# My daughter (teen) is lesbian or bi, but she hasn't told me. Should I bring it up? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 20, 2017, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-daughter-teen-is-lesbian-or-bi-but-she-hasnt-told-me-should-i-bring-it-up/782657 "2017-03-20T22:48:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2017, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-daughter-teen-is-lesbian-or-bi-but-she-hasnt-told-me-should-i-bring-it-up/782657/41 "2017-03-21T16:40:43Z")
> [@Sunny\_Daze](#): > > I have now cleverly figured out that I have used most of the wrong ways to spell this. :smack: It still throws me sometimes; especially since around here (like with the GLCC) the first two are usually reversed. ---
**Author:** ![Sunny\_Daze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunny_daze/32/438_2.png) [@Sunny\_Daze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunny_Daze)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2017, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-daughter-teen-is-lesbian-or-bi-but-she-hasnt-told-me-should-i-bring-it-up/782657/42 "2017-03-21T17:38:59Z")
> [@purplehearingaid](#): > > Of course as a parent you have to use your best judgment too and you know your daughter better than anyone here. How children do you have is your daughter the oldest one I was wondering if she had an older sister that she was close to and could talk to. She has a younger brother. They may eventually have a relationship where they confide in each other. They definitely don’t have one now. Now they are the bickersons. They insist they aren’t bickering, and it seems to amuse them, but I don’t think they are having long heartfelt conversations either. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2017, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-daughter-teen-is-lesbian-or-bi-but-she-hasnt-told-me-should-i-bring-it-up/782657/43 "2017-03-21T17:48:24Z")
> [@AK84](#): > > To the OP. She is thirteen. A brand new teenager. At that age they cannot be sure of their clothes size week to week and you are worried about sexuality. Doubt she knows or frankly even wants her [parents within 300 miles of the topic. You need to keep a wary eye on her, generally (cause she is you know; a teen) and be prepared to come down hard on any unsavoury or dangerous business; like entering into an age inappropriate relationship or a sudden like for very fast and dangerous motor vehicles. Did you know you were straight at 13? ---
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2017, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-daughter-teen-is-lesbian-or-bi-but-she-hasnt-told-me-should-i-bring-it-up/782657/44 "2017-03-21T17:48:43Z")
If you suspected she was straight, would you feel compelled to discuss that fact with her? ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2017, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-daughter-teen-is-lesbian-or-bi-but-she-hasnt-told-me-should-i-bring-it-up/782657/45 "2017-03-21T17:51:12Z")
> [@corkboard](#): > > If you suspected she was straight, would you feel compelled to discuss that fact with her? I would assume she wouldn’t. Straight is the “default setting.” People don’t have to come out as straight. ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2017, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-daughter-teen-is-lesbian-or-bi-but-she-hasnt-told-me-should-i-bring-it-up/782657/46 "2017-03-21T18:05:52Z")
Your daughter may be still figuring stuff out, she may know exactly how she feels and will feel for the foreseeable future- and i know as her mom you want to be a safe space for her. She may be a lesbian, she may be bi, she may be genderqueer or questioning or whatever, or she may be an ally with friends going through it. I would look into lgbtq events near you and ask if she wants to attend with you. Show your support and that if she needs an ally you are there. Or just wants to talk. She may not, of course, but showing your support goes a lot farther than saying you would be supportive. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2017, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-daughter-teen-is-lesbian-or-bi-but-she-hasnt-told-me-should-i-bring-it-up/782657/47 "2017-03-21T18:10:27Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > I would assume she wouldn’t. Straight is the “default setting.” People don’t have to come out as straight. No, but sometimes just coming out to parents as a daughter/son interested in sex can be as hard or even harder. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2017, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-daughter-teen-is-lesbian-or-bi-but-she-hasnt-told-me-should-i-bring-it-up/782657/48 "2017-03-21T18:59:20Z")
My folks said this to me, as I was starting to date: “I wanted to say this, just to make sure you know it: When and if you have a sweetheart, we don’t care if they’re black or white or Asian or what. They can be male or female, or whatever religion. As long as they treat you well, that’s all we care about.” My reaction at the time was :rolleyes: “Yes Mom” but I never forgot it, and knowing it for sure helped prevent a lot of angst. ---
**Author:** ![Sunny\_Daze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunny_daze/32/438_2.png) [@Sunny\_Daze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunny_Daze)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2017, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-daughter-teen-is-lesbian-or-bi-but-she-hasnt-told-me-should-i-bring-it-up/782657/49 "2017-03-21T19:36:52Z")
> [@corkboard](#): > > If you suspected she was straight, would you feel compelled to discuss that fact with her? Well, yes. Not so much in the “hey, you’re straight” but in two ways, “we support you no matter what” and I suspect in years of conversations about choosing good partners. I think both of things happen regardless of her orientation. The added complexity of a non-straight orientation is that society is still not always accepting, so parental/familial support is important. ---
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2017, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-daughter-teen-is-lesbian-or-bi-but-she-hasnt-told-me-should-i-bring-it-up/782657/50 "2017-03-21T19:38:13Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > I would assume she wouldn’t. Straight is the “default setting.” People don’t have to come out as straight. But it’s just a different sexual preference. Why shouldn’t her approach as a parent be the same? ---
**Author:** ![CosmicManiac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85e7bf/32.png) [@CosmicManiac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CosmicManiac)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2017, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-daughter-teen-is-lesbian-or-bi-but-she-hasnt-told-me-should-i-bring-it-up/782657/51 "2017-03-21T19:42:26Z")
Firstly, you need to make sure that this isn’t a big panic about nothing, as your daughter might not be gay. You have already indicated that you are a supporter of gay causes, and the like. I’m assuming that if your daughter is gay then she has no reason to automatically assume that you’re going to reject her for her sexual preferences, given your open social liberalism. It’s entirely probable that your daughter is just a heterosexual girl with an interest in some LGBT topics, just like there were even some men who were huge fans of the _Twilight_ novel series, or _Grey’s Anatomy_. But yeah, it’s better you deal with this quickly so that you won’t have to worry about it at your next family dinner. We all know how bad awkward silences are. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2017, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-daughter-teen-is-lesbian-or-bi-but-she-hasnt-told-me-should-i-bring-it-up/782657/52 "2017-03-21T19:55:35Z")
> [@corkboard](#): > > But it’s just a different sexual preference. Why shouldn’t her approach as a parent be the same? Well in a perfect world it would be the same. And luckily this girl has a great mom. But for many kids, it’s much harder to make it known you are anything besides the norm. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2017, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-daughter-teen-is-lesbian-or-bi-but-she-hasnt-told-me-should-i-bring-it-up/782657/53 "2017-03-21T20:21:51Z")
> [@corkboard](#): > > If you suspected she was straight, would you feel compelled to discuss that fact with her? If the world’s population were 50% straight and 50% non-straight then you’d have a point, but it is not. Being LGBT is by far the minority. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2017, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-daughter-teen-is-lesbian-or-bi-but-she-hasnt-told-me-should-i-bring-it-up/782657/54 "2017-03-22T00:44:45Z")
> [@Sunny\_Daze](#): > > We try to be very supportive. My cousin and her wife married a few years ago and now have a beautiful son. My son, naturally, wanted to have a talk about how _that_ was possible, which we handled as matter of factly as possible. So, how did you explain the birds and the birds\*? > [@Sunny\_Daze](#): > > Follow up question: > > Should I tell my husband or just let him find out later? Is he the type to make dad jokes? - Would be even more à propos if you were British but oh well. ---
**Author:** ![JerrySTL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e274bd/32.png) [@JerrySTL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JerrySTL)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2017, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-daughter-teen-is-lesbian-or-bi-but-she-hasnt-told-me-should-i-bring-it-up/782657/55 "2017-03-22T01:07:49Z")
My wife and I didn’t bring it up first even though it was pretty obvious at a young age. When she was 21 YO she finally came out to us. I think that it surprised her that we took it so well. Many in our family are devout Catholics but that didn’t even matter all that much. Now she’s married to a lawyer and her wife had a child 10 months ago. He’s our grandchild as much as the other 4. I like my daughter-in-law a lot and we’ve been to baseball and football games together - just her and I. (Lawyers can score some great tickets!). In retrospect maybe we should have brought up the issue sooner. My daughter may have been much happier at an earlier age. I think that the OP may want to talk to her husband first to make sure that they are on the same page. ---
**Author:** ![Sunny\_Daze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunny_daze/32/438_2.png) [@Sunny\_Daze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunny_Daze)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2017, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-daughter-teen-is-lesbian-or-bi-but-she-hasnt-told-me-should-i-bring-it-up/782657/56 "2017-03-22T01:55:41Z")
[quote=“MichaelEmouse, post:54, topic:782657”] So, how did you explain the birds and the birds\*? [/quotes] We went with they needed to get some help from a sperm bank and some doctors. > [@](#): > > - Would be even more à propos if you were British but oh well. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2017, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-daughter-teen-is-lesbian-or-bi-but-she-hasnt-told-me-should-i-bring-it-up/782657/57 "2017-03-22T02:19:54Z")
> [@corkboard](#): > > If you suspected she was straight, would you feel compelled to discuss that fact with her? Actually, most parents feel compelled to give their kids The Talk… ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Gay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/3ab097/32.png) [@Enola\_Gay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Gay)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2017, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-daughter-teen-is-lesbian-or-bi-but-she-hasnt-told-me-should-i-bring-it-up/782657/58 "2017-03-22T02:44:39Z")
> [@Sunny\_Daze](#): > > Well, yes. Not so much in the “hey, you’re straight” but in two ways, “we support you no matter what” and I suspect in years of conversations about choosing good partners. I think both of things happen regardless of her orientation. > > The added complexity of a non-straight orientation is that society is still not always accepting, so parental/familial support is important. You seem like a terrific parent. After reading all the various responses, I am not sure what the “right” answer is here, but I am certain that you, as her mother, will do what is best for her. She is lucky to have you. ---
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2017, 8:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-daughter-teen-is-lesbian-or-bi-but-she-hasnt-told-me-should-i-bring-it-up/782657/59 "2017-03-22T08:05:18Z")
FWIW, my daughter was 15 and I had long suspected it was certainly possible and probably likely that she was gay. One day driving her to school, I said something like “you’re a good kid, you’re responsible, I know you will probably want to start dating. I really don’t care if you like boys, girls or both”. “awkward” “how about those Seahawks?” 6 months later she came out as bi to my wife and I. My wife has some serious issues with it, but my daughter and I are cool. I don’t think you have to say much or make it a big deal. I would tell hubby what you suspect so at least he doesn’t say something that wouldn’t make your daughter comfortable… ---
**Author:** ![Budget\_Player\_Cadet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/budget_player_cadet/32/205_2.png) [@Budget\_Player\_Cadet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Budget_Player_Cadet)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2017, 8:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-daughter-teen-is-lesbian-or-bi-but-she-hasnt-told-me-should-i-bring-it-up/782657/60 "2017-03-22T08:30:27Z")
> [@JerrySTL](#): > > My wife and I didn’t bring it up first even though it was pretty obvious at a young age. When she was 21 YO she finally came out to us. I think that it surprised her that we took it so well. Many in our family are devout Catholics but that didn’t even matter all that much. > > Now she’s married to a lawyer and her wife had a child 10 months ago. He’s our grandchild as much as the other 4. I like my daughter-in-law a lot and we’ve been to baseball and football games together - just her and I. (Lawyers can score some great tickets!). > > **In retrospect maybe we should have brought up the issue sooner. My daughter may have been much happier at an earlier age.** I think that the OP may want to talk to her husband first to make sure that they are on the same page. (Bolding mine.) _This_. If your kid actually is LGBT (and as others have pointed out, that may very well not be the case), then they may be worried about coming out to you, because they don’t know how you’ll react. And this is a justifiable fear, given the many horror stories one hears about coming out, even to parents who seemed cool with it. And if they’re worried about that, they’re likely to feel more socially isolated by their sexuality, which is a dangerous place to be. The best way to dispense with both of these problems is to make it clear, early and often, that you are an ally to the LGBTQ community, and make it clear, early and often, that you will love and support your kid, no matter what her sexual or gender identity is. Not just being cool with other gay folks in your family, actively sitting down and telling your kid these things. Honestly, all parents should do this, regardless of whether they suspect their kids to be LGBT or not. And yeah, it is important - family support is one of the key factors in preventing negative mental health outcomes among LGBT kids, LGBT kids often have particular health concerns which probably aren’t going to be covered well in sex education, and these are things that need to be talked about and dealt with. Plus, knowing that your parents aren’t gonna get their hate on just because you’re gay makes it a lot easier to ask for help in iffy situations (for example, if one’s daughter’s date with a girlfriend goes south, or if one’s son notices that his butt is bleeding). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-daughter-teen-is-lesbian-or-bi-but-she-hasnt-told-me-should-i-bring-it-up/782657.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-daughter-teen-is-lesbian-or-bi-but-she-hasnt-told-me-should-i-bring-it-up/782657.md?page=4)