# My disability leads to my inability.. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 21, 2019, 7:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-disability-leads-to-my-inability/838986 "2019-08-21T07:55:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2019, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-disability-leads-to-my-inability/838986/41 "2019-08-27T02:04:26Z")
> [@SurrenderDorothy](#): > > My experience is often the opposite- people stare shamelessly at me when I’m out with my cane. It was even worse with the walker, although I didn’t do much going out in public with it. In particular, I get a lot of dirty looks from old people. Like settle down, Norma. It’s not a fashion accessory. It’s not like I knocked down a real old lady to get it. It’s not because I’m lazy. I would give almost anything to go back to being the person who always took the stairs and parked at the far end of the parking lot, but my brain is broken and that’s just the way it is. I do think some of the staring has something to do with the fact that I’m 28 and someone in their 20s walking with a cane stands out more than someone in their 60s. > > One thing is, I realize that people don’t always know how to act. They want to be helpful or good, but they don’t know what to say and don’t know what I need or want and so on. And because everyone is an individual, there’s no good guide for this. What one person might find nice, another might find condescending. Something like being told stories about how someone’s co-worker’s sister has MS and she’s mostly fine/wheelchair bound/works full time/lives in a nursing home/died at age 40 is completely no big deal- it’s someone just trying to connect. It’s sweet. But when it’s the 53rd time it’s happening and you just want to buy a coffee and be on your way to work and not have a long weirdly invasive conversation with the gas station clerk about what kind of medical testing you’ve had and then have to act gracious when they tell you they’re praying for you… you know, you still have to be understanding. Because this is their first time and just like the first person, they’re trying to connect and be kind. > > But sometimes, it really gets exhausting having to be understanding ALL THE TIME. Like, sometimes, can’t I just be annoyed? I can’t walk from my desk to the bathroom without someone practically leaping out of the ceiling tiles to check out the way I’m walking and go “YOU’RE LOOKING BETTER!” (even when I am very clearly not). What’s wrong with that? Nothing is wrong with that. How could I possibly find fault with that? But at the same time, can I please just live my life for five minutes without being scrutinized? Can I see someone I haven’t seen in a week or more and just have a regular conversation about regular things and, for once, not have to talk about my body and doctors/insurance/PT/etc.? > > But of course nobody means anything by it. People ask because they care and it’s better than not caring at all. This is relatively new for me- about 6 months now. I’m still trying to learn to navigate things- find the exact boundaries of what I can and can’t do and find ways around the can’ts. And everything is sort of All Disability All The Time still. > > And that’s the thing. I’m conspicuous. I can’t move through the world without people looking at me. But it’s not me they’re interested in- it’s the cane. Nobody has ever once asked me how I’m coping. They want to know if my legs are any stronger or if my test results have been illuminating, but not, you know, if the idea of possibly never being able to go hiking or walk a dog again might be kind of hard to deal with and the fact that I can’t clean my house by myself might be a little bit demoralizing. And when people meet me, it’s not my personality or interests or accomplishments they’re interested in, it’s what’s what’s wrong with me. And even when their impulse or response is to be kind to the cane, me the human kind of gets erased. Excellent post. It’s so interesting how the nature of the visibility of one’s disability affects the way people behave around that person. Like for me, ha! It’s the exact opposite of being invisible and being walked into. My god that would NEVER EVER happen to me. No, people can be literally 15 feet away from me as we pass each other in a corridor and as i get close to parallel with them, they suddenly leap back as if they had to make that sudden jump to avoid me just ramming full force into them. It _always_ happens. So weird. If im in a situation where it’s cramped and some sort of wheelchair to body contact is inevitable, i dont know how many times a person has banged the hell out of their bare shin on the metal “leg” of my chair and immediatedly become ridiculously effusively apologetic, as if _i_ was the one hurting. I always smile and say “it’s ok, my chair cant feel anything”. Also, people do not stare at me. But people are absolutely, overly aware of me. They steal sideways glances, as if it’s not painfully obvious. Its also painfully obvious when i pass a person and i look at them and see their eyes looking as hard as possible in the opposite direction as me. Its fucking comical. In an attempt to not make me feel stared at, they end up achieving the exact opposite. For me, i always say this: treat me just like you would treat an able bodied person. You dont have to think it, or overthink it. That _always_ results in awkward, convoluted, forced interactions. If i appear as if I need help with something, go ahead and ask me if i need a hand. The key is, respect my answer. Whether im telling you that it is actually easier on me if you dont get the door for me, or that i do not want or need a hand getting my wheelchair into my car, respect my answer. Sadly, its a regular thing to have people reinterpret my “no” to actually mean “yes” (for a few different, but equally absurd and frankly offensive, reasons) and force the “help” on me that i explicitly declined. And 99% of the time, i just shake my head and go thru that door (i _never_ let someone try to put their hands on my chair and put it in my car). And ive read studies that looked at the different responses seeing people with various visible disabilities elicited from a group of non disabled people. In line with your experiences, those with assistive devices like canes and walkers (but canes were the worst) were seen as differently than those with wheelchairs. Less helpless. Imo, a big part of the difference is due to the large height disparity in interactions between wheelchair users and the able bodied. It totally distorts the dynamic and puts the able bodied in a more authoritarian position and the disabled in a more child-like position. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2019, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-disability-leads-to-my-inability/838986/42 "2019-08-27T03:00:32Z")
Well, Ambivalid I, for one, have learned a few things from your posts. Thanks. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2019, 10:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-disability-leads-to-my-inability/838986/43 "2019-08-27T10:19:59Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > And ive read studies that looked at the different responses seeing people with various visible disabilities elicited from a group of non disabled people. In line with your experiences, those with assistive devices like canes and walkers (but canes were the worst) were seen as differently than those with wheelchairs. Less helpless. > > Imo, a big part of the difference is due to the large height disparity in interactions between wheelchair users and the able bodied. It totally distorts the dynamic and puts the able bodied in a more authoritarian position and the disabled in a more child-like position. I think another part of it is that many peoples’ experience of wheelchairs is hospitals along with dire illness/injury. Canes are what your beloved grandpa had as long as you can remember, maybe grandma had a walker with a seat and pretty basket for carrying things, and crutches are what you used for two months after breaking a bone skateboarding or something. I think those experiences also shade peoples’ attitudes. For most people there’s a lot more negativity surrounding their personal experience of wheelchairs. Canes and walkers and crutches were either temporary or not absolutely essential to the users, wheelchairs, though, scream OMG TRAGEDY even when they shouldn’t. Just a thought. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2019, 10:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-disability-leads-to-my-inability/838986/44 "2019-08-27T10:31:11Z")
I remember, almost 50 years ago, when I had my botched appendectomy at a teaching college. For two weeks, while I was recovering in a ward of 30 men, the surgeons would bring a group of students around, and introduce the various patients. I was “the appendix.” Someone else was “the gall bladder.” There even was a guy who was “the testicles.” Then they’d talk about each of us as if we weren’t there. ---
**Author:** ![nightshadea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7ba0ec/32.png) [@nightshadea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nightshadea)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2019, 10:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-disability-leads-to-my-inability/838986/45 "2019-08-27T10:31:34Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Inability to be seen. Inability to be heard. Inability to be understood. > > They look at me and see a wheelchair. > > They listen to me and they hear a failure to adjust. > > They empathize with me and they feel pity. except for a wheelchair ive been dealing with all that since i was 7 0r 8 my school record is variations of "smartest kid in the x grade now only if he could write and talk and possibly in complete sentences " ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2019, 11:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-disability-leads-to-my-inability/838986/46 "2019-08-27T11:54:14Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Wrt to interactions with the ignorant public and the insane social expectations involved, my way of describing it is this: the same negative experience happening to a person, if it happens enough, is going to _eventually_ provoke (at least the instinct for) an outsized reaction from the person. I feel like every single person can understand this phenomenon. Well, yeah; I’ve heard it called “hitting a raw spot”, “the Chinese water-drop torture”, “hammering a nail that’s already inside”… … and yeah, when the person who’s on the receiving end of it finally gets “the drop that overflows the glass”, too often they’re told it’s them who are being “too sensitive” 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Thylacine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thylacine/32/1143_2.png) [@Thylacine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thylacine)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2019, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-disability-leads-to-my-inability/838986/47 "2019-08-29T20:12:35Z")
A little to the side of the topic but I used to be twice my size and used a walking stick a lot. I was always given the designated disabled seat on public transport upon request, all was good, I figured that was just how it worked. Fast forward a few years and I am smaller, fitter, stronger but hurt my leg doing something silly in the gym so I pull out my old walking stick and get on a train, suddenly four people in disabled seats just stand up and move away over my objections (I was fine standing with the cane and a hand strap) This happened over and over like I had magical people moving powers. I can only assume that fat people deserve their disability, I deserve sympathy and assistance. It was really quite awful to realise that but I think I preferred asking over it being decided for me that I required the help. Drop the beefcaking for cheescaking Ambivalid, many of your issues with other people being overly helpful will likely disappear. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2019, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-disability-leads-to-my-inability/838986/48 "2019-08-29T21:37:55Z")
> [@Thylacine](#): > > Drop the beefcaking for cheescaking Ambivalid, many of your issues with other people being overly helpful will likely disappear. 😉 Can I ask you what you mean by this? I enjoyed the rest of your post but this part gave me pause. Chances are I’m misunderstanding you. Hopefully I am, for it would be disappointing if my intial take on this sentence was correct. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2019, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-disability-leads-to-my-inability/838986/49 "2019-08-29T21:56:13Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Can I ask you what you mean by this? I enjoyed the rest of your post but this part gave me pause. Chances are I’m misunderstanding you. Hopefully I am, for it would be disappointing if my intial take on this sentence was correct. Kind of hard to be mad when you gotta belly full of cheesecake. (That was my read of it anyway). ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2019, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-disability-leads-to-my-inability/838986/50 "2019-08-29T23:37:21Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > Kind of hard to be mad when you gotta belly full of cheesecake. (That was my read of it anyway). But wouldnt that be just as true with a belly full of beefcake? Lol. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2019, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-disability-leads-to-my-inability/838986/51 "2019-08-29T23:45:23Z")
It read to me as “just take it all in stride and smile, people are just trying to help. You’ll be better off that way.” This is a bromide I’ve heard countless times over the years, practically never coming from those who’ve walked (er, rolled?) a mile in my shoes (er, wheels?). After so many times hearing it, i just smh. And it is fundamentally wrong. First of all, I’m not angry, I just demand to be treated with the respect of a fellow non-disabled adult. By smiling and accepting anything less, I’d die a little bit inside, inch by inch. ---
**Author:** ![Thylacine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thylacine/32/1143_2.png) [@Thylacine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thylacine)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2019, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-disability-leads-to-my-inability/838986/52 "2019-08-29T23:57:43Z")
God no, sorry. I meant stop the workouts and start eating instead. I was trying to be amusing, not aggravating. I have lived and worked in the disability sector forever but of course you don’t know that and I shouldn’t have assumed my joke would make sense without that context. I am with you. Just to make it clear, as a fat disabled person nobody came near me, as a smaller one they drive me batty with unneeded attention and not listening to me. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2019, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-disability-leads-to-my-inability/838986/53 "2019-08-30T00:15:17Z")
> [@Thylacine](#): > > God no, sorry. I meant stop the workouts and start eating instead. I was trying to be amusing, not aggravating. > > I have lived and worked in the disability sector forever but of course you don’t know that and I shouldn’t have assumed my joke would make sense without that context. > > I am with you. > > Just to make it clear, as a fat disabled person nobody came near me, as a smaller one they drive me batty with unneeded attention and not listening to me. Oh geez. I am so sorry! First of all, I should have waited for your response before i said anything else. And I’m probably a bit bias to interpret slightly ambiguous messages a tad cynically. 😉 no harm no foul? ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2019, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-disability-leads-to-my-inability/838986/54 "2019-08-30T00:17:22Z")
> [@Thylacine](#): > > Just to make it clear, as a fat disabled person nobody came near me, as a smaller one they drive me batty with unneeded attention and not listening to me. This is interesting. To what do you attribute this disparity? ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2019, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-disability-leads-to-my-inability/838986/55 "2019-08-30T00:26:39Z")
> [@Thylacine](#): > > God no, sorry. I meant stop the workouts and start eating instead. And fwiw, I’m the most out of shape ive been in more than a decade. Today, for example, I went to the gym for the first time in close to a month. And i _have_ been cheesecaking. And cheeseburgerin. And Dairy Queenin’. And I’m happier than ever because more important areas of my life have finally begun to turn a profit, so to speak. (I still need to get back in the gym tho, im going stircrazy, happy or no). still ain’t rocking a dad bod tho 😉 ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2019, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-disability-leads-to-my-inability/838986/56 "2019-08-30T00:35:55Z")
> [@Thylacine](#): > > … > I can only assume that fat people deserve their disability, I deserve sympathy and assistance. It was really quite awful to realise that but I think I preferred asking over it being decided for me that I required the help… I’ve heard people say that explicitly. They were on a bus and did’t give up their seat to the fat lady with the cane. “Oh, she’s fat, it’s good for her to stand on the bus”. Um no… ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2019, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-disability-leads-to-my-inability/838986/57 "2019-08-30T00:40:06Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > … > Imo, a big part of the difference is due to the large height disparity in interactions between wheelchair users and the able bodied. It totally distorts the dynamic and puts the able bodied in a more authoritarian position and the disabled in a more child-like position. I think height makes a huge difference in how we unconsciously react to each other. I had a weird experience with my 10 year old (short) son. He asked for a costume of a tall man for Halloween. And a talented relative made him one. And I realized that I reacted differently to my own kid when he was wearing a costume with a head that towered over me rather than looking short. I try to adapt for that bias when I interact with people in wheel chairs. I try to look at their face, and see an adult person, and not be distracted by their being shorter than most children. I confess it is a challenge. And I apologize to you if I fucked up. ---
**Author:** ![Thylacine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thylacine/32/1143_2.png) [@Thylacine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thylacine)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2019, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-disability-leads-to-my-inability/838986/58 "2019-08-30T00:53:39Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > This is interesting. To what do you attribute this disparity? I can only make stuff up because I don’t know, I was fat from childhood so presumed the way the world treated me was how the world was, you ask for what you need when you need it, otherwise you get left alone to do your thing (I mean by “good folks”, there are always those who like to tell you what a waste of space you are of course). I am still getting used to “good folks” being annoying when they deem me in need of assistance and the main difference in me is size so leap to my conclusions. I was in the pool this morning, I’ll be in the gym later. Blokes often try to help the saggy old chick there too but get over it pretty fast when they see me in action. 😉 I usually have to add plates to their discarded loaded bars. I’m a fan Ambi, all cool here. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2019, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-disability-leads-to-my-inability/838986/59 "2019-08-30T00:59:08Z")
Looking up to people physically makes us look up to them emotionally; ibid for looking down. I’ve used it to get an insecure coworker to feel mighty and strong (he was the shortest person in the team, I sat on a chair with broken hydraulics so I’d be shorter) and noticed some interesting behavior in meetings: insecure person stands up for practically the whole meeting, whether they’re presenting or not, while everybody else sits down as soon as someone else stands up (simply to point at something on a poster), the insecure one either gets away from that person or gets closer in an attack position. The first one and its cousin “keeps standing up and sitting down, earns nickname Jack-in-a-chair” have been a lot more common. There might be some material for psychology studies there, but IANAInSchoolRightNow… ---
**Author:** ![Thylacine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thylacine/32/1143_2.png) [@Thylacine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thylacine)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2019, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-disability-leads-to-my-inability/838986/60 "2019-08-30T01:02:12Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > I’ve heard people say that explicitly. They were on a bus and did’t give up their seat to the fat lady with the cane. “Oh, she’s fat, it’s good for her to stand on the bus”. Um no… I hope she fell on them at the first corner! Buses are the worst for standing even for those with working parts, the rest of us really need those damned seats and not just for our safety. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-disability-leads-to-my-inability/838986.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-disability-leads-to-my-inability/838986.md?page=4)