# My Divorce Saga **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 1, 2010, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-divorce-saga/552327 "2010-09-01T23:41:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2010, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-divorce-saga/552327/21 "2010-09-02T05:16:49Z")
> [@Euphonious\_Polemic](#): > > Note that the guy did not actually hit anyone; he confesses to fantasizing about it in retrospect. Not exactly. He said he “still regrets” not hitting her. Sorry for what you are going through, **Cell Guy.** ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2010, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-divorce-saga/552327/22 "2010-09-02T05:27:14Z")
> [@Miss\_Woodhouse](#): > > From my experience, the more someone is in the wrong, the harder they are to deal with. She knows how she’s behaving. She knows she hasn’t done this the right way. And that guilt is what’s making all of this harder for you. > > I’m sorry for your loss. I wish you the best in getting all of this settled. Yeah, something like this. And self-justification tells her that she’s a good person, she’s got good reasons for her actions, so you must deserve to get treated like this or else she wouldn’t have done it. ---
**Author:** ![SeaDragonTattoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@SeaDragonTattoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeaDragonTattoo)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2010, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-divorce-saga/552327/23 "2010-09-02T06:05:32Z")
I love that she actually wants this to go before a judge. She will be raked over the coals. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2010, 6:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-divorce-saga/552327/24 "2010-09-02T06:50:23Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I don’t think it takes a feminist to not want men to hit women. Men hitting men is still okay, though? ---
**Author:** ![palacheck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a88e57/32.png) [@palacheck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/palacheck)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2010, 9:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-divorce-saga/552327/25 "2010-09-02T09:27:30Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I don’t think it takes a feminist to not want men to hit women. _That_ man wanted to hit _that_ woman. Not just any woman would do. I hope the OP’s ex hasn’t spent any of the savings on her new “The One”. A person that treats a decent spouse that way always ends up finding the next perfect match once the current relationship gets boring. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2010, 10:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-divorce-saga/552327/26 "2010-09-02T10:20:19Z")
Re the delays I think you had best make sure there is no hanky panky going on with the house title re second mortages, liens etc. Also, do a credit check on yourself and her (if possible) to see what debts are recorded . When women crush on men they meet online, esp. men in other countries, there’s a least half a chance they are being played in some fashion. If he’s a con artist he might have her doing things that are going to rape your credit. You really need to be on top of this. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2010, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-divorce-saga/552327/27 "2010-09-02T12:24:18Z")
So…wait. She cleans out the bank accounts, locks you out of the house, refuses you access to your possessions and only allows a third party to come in and get some of your clothing…and you have this DELUSION that this is going to be _amicable_??? Wake up and smell the coffee. There is no “amicable” on her side and there never will be. Stop playing the fool, get a clue and get your shit back now. Then start getting tough and forcing this into court, where a Judge will look less than kindly on her antics. Seriously, do what you can to get your shit NOW, without advanced warning, or odds are high that she will destroy everything that was yours just to spite you. ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2010, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-divorce-saga/552327/28 "2010-09-02T14:23:46Z")
Concur with **Chimera** : This is no longer amicable, and hasn’t been since day one. You are perfectly justified and encouraged to go for the jugular. As for the whole other issue, yeah, he doesn’t want to “hit women”, he wants to hit “another human being who he caught in an act of betrayal”. Not at all the same thing. ---
**Author:** ![mcgato](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac8455/32.png) [@mcgato](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mcgato)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2010, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-divorce-saga/552327/29 "2010-09-02T14:40:58Z")
Sounds to me like the guy is handling things correctly. Reminds me of the exchange in Chinatown. Jake Gittes: There’s no point in getting tough with me. I’m just… Evelyn Mulwray: I don’t get tough with anyone, Mr. Gittes. My lawyer does. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2010, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-divorce-saga/552327/30 "2010-09-02T15:30:42Z")
**Cell Guy** , you’d probably be doing yourself a favor if you got some counseling. It could help you figure out why this came as such a surprise to you. Or, alternatively, whether there are any reasons to think about why you were attracted to the sort of person who could spring this so suddenly. ---
**Author:** ![GiantRat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47c2d/32.png) [@GiantRat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GiantRat)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2010, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-divorce-saga/552327/31 "2010-09-02T15:39:50Z")
Alright, I’m going to clarify the “hitting her” thing. I was pissed and you can blame testosterone, rage, pain, or whatever. The fact is I _didn’t_ hit her. And wouldn’t. And, as for still sometimes wishing that I did/still could - well, **Euphonious Polemic** is right on. In fact, during the “let’s try and fix this” period, she even said that she wished I’d hit her because it would have been demonstrative of how hurt I was. I don’t hit women. I don’t condone it. I’m a supporter of the Lautenberg Amendment when judiciously applied (ie, not just based on “he said/she said”). What I was attempting to convey was that I support and can relate to **Cell Guy** ’s passivity, when he has every right to be outraged and feel deceived. Emotions are a tricky thing, and things like what he has experienced are traumatic. I was sympathizing. His responses to the situation from the account provided have been appropriate and perhaps excessively altruistic. **Cell Guy** , I want to be clear that I’m in your corner. And (as though this needs repeating) working it out in court is the right way. Anyone who has been in this situation probably cannot help but think about a measure of retribution. At the end of the day, you get your shit back, and you turn the page. Just don’t let it interfere with the rest of your life - you’ll always be on the lookout for deception in the future, but that just means you’ve got a more accurate mental measuring tool. I think I showed restraint by not kicking the guy’s ass BTW, but the GiantRat-haters haven’t even considered the evilness of a man-on-man fight. FTR - that guy got told (in my best attempt at his language) to get the f\*ck out. Apologies for sounding defensive here but, well, I’ve been put on the defensive. In another context, would it be okay if a homosexual partner caught their SO cheating to hit him/her? Is gender really the issue? ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2010, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-divorce-saga/552327/32 "2010-09-02T15:44:06Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > > [@GiantRat](#): > > > > I walked in on the affair and (at the risk of inspiring feminist ire) I still regret not slapping the hell out of her - it’s that instinctive primal justice thing. > > That’s disgusting. You should probably keep thoughts like this to yourself. And work on your desire to hit women with therapy. I think anyone walking in on their partner having an affair that DOESN’T feel like smacking the shit out of them probably need a lot more therapy than someone who does, that shit is just not normal. Must be nice to live in a world were nobody ever deserves to get their ass kicked, wish i lived there too. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2010, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-divorce-saga/552327/33 "2010-09-02T16:09:30Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I don’t think it takes a feminist to not want men to hit women. There you go bringing gender into it. That’s sexist. People should avoid hitting other people whenever possible. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2010, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-divorce-saga/552327/34 "2010-09-02T16:12:03Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > > [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > > > I don’t think it takes a feminist to not want men to hit women. > > There you go bringing gender into it. That’s sexist. > > People should avoid hitting other people whenever possible. Speciesist! ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2010, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-divorce-saga/552327/35 "2010-09-02T17:17:59Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > So…wait. She cleans out the bank accounts, locks you out of the house, refuses you access to your possessions and only allows a third party to come in and get some of your clothing…and you have this DELUSION that this is going to be _amicable_??? > > Wake up and smell the coffee. There is no “amicable” on her side and there never will be. Stop playing the fool, get a clue and get your shit back now. Then start getting tough and forcing this into court, where a Judge will look less than kindly on her antics. > > Seriously, do what you can to get your shit NOW, without advanced warning, or odds are high that she will destroy everything that was yours just to spite you. That’s what I meant to say, too - it stopped being amicable when the locks were changed and bank accounts cleaned out. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2010, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-divorce-saga/552327/36 "2010-09-02T17:34:09Z")
Cell Guy, good for you taking the high road. IMO, you wife has misplaced anger. She is unable to confront the truth about herself – that she drove away a good and decent and honorable guy for some idiot she met on the internet. So she’s lashing out at you because your an easy target. If it’s any consolation, I’ve seen this behavior many, many times from spouses and know that in a few years, you’ll be back on the road to happiness and stability while she’ll be still suffering the consequences of her poor choices. So Cell Guy, I appreciate the fact that you remain good and decent and honorable even in the face of such senselessness. The good news is that you will always be able to hold your head up high, knowing that when push came to shove, you didn’t retaliate. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2010, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-divorce-saga/552327/37 "2010-09-02T17:41:03Z")
She’ll either realize what she did wrong and regret it, or she won’t realize it, and be doomed to repeat it. I don’t think you need to tell her how foolish she is; she’ll experience the consequences of her actions one way or another. ---
**Author:** ![elninost0rm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ed655f/32.png) [@elninost0rm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elninost0rm)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2010, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-divorce-saga/552327/38 "2010-09-02T17:45:53Z")
> [@SeaDragonTattoo](#): > > I love that she actually wants this to go before a judge. She will be raked over the coals. Agreed, not too often will a Judge approve of her childish behavior. Go for it. ---
**Author:** ![pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@pseudotriton\_ruber\_ruber](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pseudotriton_ruber_ruber)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2010, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-divorce-saga/552327/39 "2010-09-02T17:48:33Z")
But be prepared. Some judges consider themselves to be the shining knight for any weepy damsel, and give a surprising amount of sympathy for their tearful (if improbable) allegations. Being right doesn’t necessarily mean getting a satisfying result in the courts. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2010, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-divorce-saga/552327/40 "2010-09-02T18:03:21Z")
> [@DigitalC](#): > > > [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > > > That’s disgusting. You should probably keep thoughts like this to yourself. And work on your desire to hit women with therapy. > > I think anyone walking in on their partner having an affair that DOESN’T feel like smacking the shit out of them probably need a lot more therapy than someone who does, that shit is just not normal. Must be nice to live in a world were nobody ever deserves to get their ass kicked, wish i lived there too. Exactly. **Cell Guy** , you’re handling this admirably. I think I’d have lost my shit when she locked me out of the house. You’re lucky to have friends you can stay with as well. I just hope she doesn’t drown you in legal fees. I hope you get most of your assets. Good luck. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-divorce-saga/552327.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-divorce-saga/552327.md?page=3)