# my ever caring girlfriend III **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 20, 2003, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-ever-caring-girlfriend-iii/214292 "2003-11-20T12:44:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Mr\_Friendly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f05b48/32.png) [@Mr\_Friendly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr_Friendly)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2003, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-ever-caring-girlfriend-iii/214292/1 "2003-11-20T12:44:11Z")
So…a little update to set the scene. I’ve stayed with her despite all the cheating, she quit uni and came home and has started to sort herself out in some ways. I’ve still been quite unhappy though because she simply isnt giving me the love I need to feel happy again and I didnt know why. A week or so ago I realised there was more she wasnt telling me, she’d often go very quiet and withdrawn at seemingly random times and the more I pushed her on the subject the less she’d say, she didnt or couldnt want to talk about it so she claimed. Eventually it all got too much and I gave her an ultimatum, tell me what’s the matter or get lost. She wouldnt tell me and said I’d have to dump her, but I didnt, I said I wouldnt make that choice straight away. Yesterday I got a letter which changed everything. She was drug raped When her and her friend went back to those guys’ house that time I first got pissed off, she has no memory after calling me and then waking up paralysed with this guy on top of her fucking her (without a condom), she cried but he carried on and she couldnt move. Then he came on her face. The same thing happened to her friend and they left at 4 when they could move again. The later incidents were obviously related to this as she felt completely messed up about her body and her control over it in relation to men. I cant even begin what to think about it all. I feel helpless because there’s nothing I can really do about it. All I want is to find these guys and fucking beat the living shit out of them because at this point the police wouldnt be able to do anything. More than anything I know she needs me in her life because I love her and treat her right and make her feel safe, but how can I? I’ve been through so much crap with her that it hurts to even think about it, now I have to continue being strong for her sake and I dont know if I can. ---
**Author:** ![Bibliovore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Bibliovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bibliovore)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2003, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-ever-caring-girlfriend-iii/214292/2 "2003-11-20T12:52:03Z")
I haven’t seen any of your previous threads, so I don’t know the whole background, but when you say “drug raped”, do you mean she was drugged without her knowledge, or did she get high on her own and then have sex with this guy? And I know this may sound harsh, but if she’s deceived you before, are you sure you believe her this time? Are you 100% certain her story is true, because it’s just possible that she cheated on you again and came up with this story to cover her tracks. One way to help ascertain the facts woul be to get her to a hospital ASAP. Medical tests would be able to recover traces of the drug in her blood, and that sort of evidence would be invaluable in prosecuting the guy if her story is in fact true. And you have my sympathies - it’s a tough situation to be in no matter which way you look at it. ---
**Author:** ![Mr\_Friendly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f05b48/32.png) [@Mr\_Friendly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr_Friendly)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2003, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-ever-caring-girlfriend-iii/214292/3 "2003-11-20T13:01:30Z")
Her drink was spiked causing her to black out and be unconscious while he raped her is what I mean. Yes I do believe her 100% about this, its too cruel a lie for her to make up and whats more she didnt want to send me the letter because she thought I’d break up with her when I found out. There’s no question of blood tests as it happened way back in july. She wouldnt make something like this up I can absolutely guarantee that. I feel very angry at her for leaving it though, she should have gone to the police straight away and then these bastards might have been held to account but now there’s no chance really so the only way they could be punished would be by me taking the law into my own hands which is something I’m loath to do. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2003, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-ever-caring-girlfriend-iii/214292/4 "2003-11-20T13:39:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mr\_Friendly \* > \*\* Yes I do believe her 100% about this, its too cruel a lie for her to make up and whats more she didnt want to send me the letter because she thought I’d break up with her when I found out. > > . \*\* Which is what would make it such a good lie, and one that would guarantee sympathy. I have read you’re other threads, and if she told me the sky was blue, I wouldn’t believe her. But that’s neither here no there. Here is where it’s at: > [@](#): > > I’ve still been quite unhappy though because she simply isnt giving me the love I need to feel happy again You are not happy with her. And the hard truth is you are never going to be happy with her. She cannot give YOU what YOU need. She doesn’t have it to give. All she can give you is pain. Wish her all the best, and walk away as fast as you can. ---
**Author:** ![DogMom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9c0ed/32.png) [@DogMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DogMom)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2003, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-ever-caring-girlfriend-iii/214292/5 "2003-11-20T13:54:13Z")
This > [@](#): > > I’ve still been quite unhappy though because she simply isnt giving me the love I need to feel happy again rather bothers me as well, but for a different reason. If you’re looking TO SOMEONE ELSE to make you happy, you’re never going to find it. Based on what I’ve seen in this thread and others, I have to wonder if you’re “rescuing” her to somehow “win her undying adoration” or something, and you think it’ll make you happy. It won’t. I’m thinking you really might want to get YOURSELF a little straightened out first, before you go hanging all your past, present and future happiness on someone else. Nobody can “make” you happy but you. I wish you all the best in finding it within yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2003, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-ever-caring-girlfriend-iii/214292/6 "2003-11-20T13:57:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by DogMom \* > \*\* . Nobody can “make” you happy but you. > \*\* True. Someone can enhance your life, but still true. But somebody else _can_ make your existence a nightmare. If you continue to allow them in your life, that is. ---
**Author:** ![SentientMeat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/43a26b/32.png) [@SentientMeat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SentientMeat)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2003, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-ever-caring-girlfriend-iii/214292/7 "2003-11-20T13:57:30Z")
You tell the police. You tell the police NOW. RIGHT NOW. You cannot allow these men to get away with this. They must be investigated. Her and her friend must be questioned by the police, gently but firmly, to ensure their story checks out. At the very least, this will rattle the perpetrators so much that they will not do the same to someone else (which they may otherwise have done had you not reported it). At most, she will provide a clue which somehow nails them to a _different_ rape case and they will go to prison for rape. I find it inconceivable that this might be a lie. However, if it is, the gentle but firm questioning will likely expose this, and your girlfiend herself can be charged with a contemptible offence. But until this is shown to be the case, you assume her innocence, and you go to the police _for her own good, whether she wants to or not_. ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2003, 2:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-ever-caring-girlfriend-iii/214292/8 "2003-11-20T14:05:05Z")
Just as a note, I’ve had a person I trusted lie to me about being molested by her father, and I’ve had a person I trusted lie to me about having gotten an abortion. I mean, she came to my house to recover immediately after having it…and then, months later, I found out she’d lied about it to get attention. So while the first impulse is to say “I can’t believe anyone would lie about something that horrible happening to them”…it happens. I couldn’t believe it either. But they did. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2003, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-ever-caring-girlfriend-iii/214292/9 "2003-11-20T14:19:00Z")
I’ve read your other posts, too. How to say this nicely… Don’t get sucked back into the maelstrom. Please! This girl is danger for you. Physically and emotionally. You are allowing this woman to rob you of your life. Yes, I feel bad for what has (and will continue to ) happen(ed) to her. But, you can’t help her right now. If you really want to help her in some substantial way, remove yourself from involvement with her. Find a way to get back your identity as a person. Then, in good mental and emotional help, you can decide whether or not to involve yourself in her well being. Please don’t take this as a harsh criticism of you as a person. But, I’ve been in a similar (though not as extreme) situation. And the only way that I see to make anything better is to remove yourself from the bad situation. This advice is not based on any professional training or special revelation from God or anything like that. It’s just my opinion. But, I am in pain for you right now. I sincerely hope something gets better… ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2003, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-ever-caring-girlfriend-iii/214292/10 "2003-11-20T14:27:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SentientMeat \* > \*\* You cannot allow these men to get away with this. They must be investigated. \*\* I don’t see what the police could do at this time. Is there an element of the crime(assuming there was one) that could now even be verified? No rape kit. No examination. No blood tests. Months have passed. And to top it off, an alleged victim with a serious credibility problem. This woman says the same thing happened to her friend. Has **Mr. Friendly** actually talked to this friend? Or is he taking the GF’s word on it? ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2003, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-ever-caring-girlfriend-iii/214292/11 "2003-11-20T14:27:45Z")
Give her the number of your local sexual assault hotline or whatever . . . and then run like hell before she poisons you any further. ---
**Author:** ![SentientMeat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/43a26b/32.png) [@SentientMeat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SentientMeat)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2003, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-ever-caring-girlfriend-iii/214292/12 "2003-11-20T14:28:13Z")
\*What the hell is going on here? **Why is nobody presuming her innocence until any guilt is proven by questioning her friend???** ---
**Author:** ![SentientMeat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/43a26b/32.png) [@SentientMeat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SentientMeat)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2003, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-ever-caring-girlfriend-iii/214292/13 "2003-11-20T14:32:24Z")
> [@](#): > > I don’t see what the police could do at this time. Is there an element of the crime(assuming there was one) that could now even be verified? A search warrant to seek illegal date-rape drugs on the alleged premises _at the very least_! If crimes are commited, _especially serious crimes_, **you report them to the police and let them assess the likelihood of conviction**. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2003, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-ever-caring-girlfriend-iii/214292/14 "2003-11-20T14:57:43Z")
Ftr, we are not being harsh or uncaring to the girl. We _are_ quite concerned for **Frindly** ’s mental health. Some background info: [Thing One](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=201570) [Thing Two](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=214328) ---
**Author:** ![stick\_monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@stick\_monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stick_monkey)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2003, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-ever-caring-girlfriend-iii/214292/15 "2003-11-20T15:00:28Z")
> [@](#): > > Yes I do believe her 100% about this, its too cruel a lie for her to make up and whats more she didnt want to send me the letter because she thought I’d break up with her when I found out. As others have said, but I sadly know must be reiterated, there is no lie too cruel for someone to make up. Especially when you are talking about with an unstable (and appearently unhealthy) relationship where both members could use some therapy. This could be the truth (and if so, I hope something is done about it) or it could be a desperate attempt at a coverup, a ploy for attention, a delusion, or a dozen other things. She has cheated on you before (multiple times, if I remember your other threads correctly), you both have some weird co-dependency issues, for the love of all that is decent and holy, MAKE SURE SHE IS TELLING THE TRUTH. You don’t have to assume she is lieing, but make sure she isn’t before you do anything else. > [@](#): > > I’ve still been quite unhappy though because she simply isnt giving me the love I need to feel happy again and I didnt know why. This is going to sound harsh, but get help. This is unhealthy, and will only make your life worse. If you cannot be happy without someone, then you cannot be happy with them, no matter how much you want to believe it, period. If you don’t do that, now, you have no one to blame but yourself for all the pain that is coming down the pike for you, and all the crap you are going to have to deal with in your life, now and in the future. I am usually the type that feels people can handle their problems themselves, but you don’t seem like you can, so please, see a therapist. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2003, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-ever-caring-girlfriend-iii/214292/16 "2003-11-20T15:11:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SentientMeat \* > \*\*A search warrant to seek illegal date-rape drugs on the alleged premises _at the very least_! \*\* Would the word of woman with a history of lying and binge drinking count as probable cause for such a warrant? Serious question. Would her word alone be enough probable cause for search **6 months** after the alleged incident? ---
**Author:** ![SentientMeat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/43a26b/32.png) [@SentientMeat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SentientMeat)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2003, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-ever-caring-girlfriend-iii/214292/17 "2003-11-20T15:15:08Z")
So we have: A) She got drunk with a friend known to **Mr F** and the barmen at a rugby club. She phoned **Mr F** up at 4am in a drunken state. She has now claimed that the barmen raped her and a friend under the paralysing influence of a date-rape drug. B) A friend of **Mr F** intimates that she thereafter had sex with someone in the toilets. **B has no import on the veracity of the claim in A, people, and raping someone who is drunk is still rape.** A crime has been committed here. Either it is on the part of the barmen, who should be questioned about the incident and have their premises searched for said drugs, or it is on the part of the girl who has knowingly made a false accusation of a serious offence. The police are the _only_ authority here. **Mr F** must tell the police. NOW. ---
**Author:** ![SentientMeat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/43a26b/32.png) [@SentientMeat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SentientMeat)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2003, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-ever-caring-girlfriend-iii/214292/18 "2003-11-20T15:18:21Z")
**spooje** , the answer to both your questions here in Britain is a resounding “YES”. I assume **Mr F** is also in Britain given that he speaks of rugby and “uni”. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2003, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-ever-caring-girlfriend-iii/214292/19 "2003-11-20T15:25:06Z")
Frtom the OP, it seems they are not at a bar but at the private residence of at least one suspect. All I’m saying is that, even if we assume everything she said is true, would harder than hell to prove. And it would pretty much have to be **Mr F** ’s GF that told the police. **Mr F** has no evidence of anything to offer. And if GF should happen to what the police call a reluctant witness, well, it’s that much harder. I agree, the cops should question everybody. But I would be really surprised if anything happened. BTW, we have not yet been able to establish that a crime has been commited. It is still VERY possible that GF is yanking **Mr F** ’s chain about the whole ordeal. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2003, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-ever-caring-girlfriend-iii/214292/20 "2003-11-20T15:26:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SentientMeat \* > \*\ ***spooje** , the answer to both your questions here in Britain is a resounding “YES”. I assume **Mr F** is also in Britain given that he speaks of rugby and “uni”. \*\* Sorry, I was assuming this was happening in the States. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-ever-caring-girlfriend-iii/214292.md?page=2)