# My father came out to me. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 6, 2009, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602 "2009-11-06T17:12:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![kidneyfailure](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9f8e36/32.png) [@kidneyfailure](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidneyfailure)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2009, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/21 "2009-11-07T00:54:54Z")
> [@Shirley\_Ujest](#): > > A lifetime of being who he truly was not. **I’m sure there are regrets, but you (and any other sibling of yours) are not one of them.** Exactly, hence your father’s tense expression that you mentioned in the OP. He was probably worried that you might possibly disown him or refuse to acknowledge him as your father anymore and then it was no doubt a huge relief for him to find you so accepting. ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2009, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/22 "2009-11-07T01:11:12Z")
My dad divorced my mom when I was 15. A few months later, he moved to Florida with some guy. They’re on their second house together. The kids had known for quite some time. A note to gay closeted parents: If you don’t know how to clear your browser history, don’t go to gay porn sites. You kids WILL find it. I don’t really intellectually care, but it’s certainly weird now. I mean, this was the guy I looked to as an example of manliness. Now, that image is entirely destroyed. But other than that, it’s not really an issue. > [@Shirley\_Ujest](#): > > A lifetime of being who he truly was not. I’m sure there are regrets, but you (and any other sibling of yours) are not one of them. That’s not fair. There’s no evidence that these parents regret anything they did. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2009, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/23 "2009-11-07T01:20:43Z")
> [@Scarlett67](#): > > I read just the thread title to Mr. S, and his only comment was, “Better than having your father come ON to you.” :eek: > > I’m glad for your dad. Better late than never . . . When I first saw the thread title, I read it that way. I thought, "Your father did _what_? I was quite relieved when I noticed I had misread. ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2009, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/24 "2009-11-07T06:43:50Z")
Man, wow that’s huge. I don’t really think of my parents as having any kind of sex (if you met them, you’d understand). I think if something like that happened I’d still just be standing in stunned silence. It’s good that you are close enough to your dad that he felt he could tell you. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2009, 7:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/25 "2009-11-07T07:27:31Z")
I know a few folks in your dad’s situation. I’m friends with a lovely older guy who realized that he’s gay after twenty years of marriage, two kids, and a nervous breakdown. I’m sure he can count on you to show your support. It is really a very hard thing for us to come out to the people we care for, even when we feel we can trust them to be supportive. > [@Markxxx](#): > > As a gay male I can’t understand why gay people choose holiday time to come out. Well, I came out to my dad’s family on Thanksgiving mostly because they live in Ontario and we don’t see them at other times. It was a real Hallmark moment: my cousin had just gotten married, and my aunt went, “I think we should take this moment to recognize that this is Wade and Leslie’s first Thanksgiving at the cottage as a married couple!” and everyone went “Aaawwww!” So I blurted out, “Well, as long as we’re talking long-term relationships, I’m dating a boy called Tom!” And there was complete silence. And then my aunt went, “Okay! Who wants pie?” ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2009, 8:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/26 "2009-11-07T08:50:33Z")
They were shocked and appalled by your grammar. You should have said “I’m dating a boy _named_ Tom”. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2009, 9:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/27 "2009-11-07T09:05:29Z")
> [@](#): > > Coming out to family is scary. You don’t know what they might think. For me the reason I’m not too out to my parents or most of the rest of my family (sibs and one of my gay uncles knows) is b/c coming to terms with being lesbian or bi (still trying to figure all that out) was so confusing. I’d just come to terms with being hard of hearing when I fell in love with a girl for the first time. I really think that a lot of people who come out late in life are still trying to figure it all out. ---
**Author:** ![SanVito](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sanvito/32/2805_2.png) [@SanVito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanVito)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2009, 9:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/28 "2009-11-07T09:23:16Z")
> [@AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet](#): > > I really think that a lot of people who come out late in life are still trying to figure it all out. I can vouch for that, ten years on, now that I’m really comfortable with being a lesbian, I look back and think ‘what took me so long?’. I dated men and even got married before I had my revelation at age 30. I mean, really, I played with toy soldiers, I was captain of the hockey team and was in the Sea Rangers for god’s sake! My coming out was so thoroughly British. My friend’s sister outed me to my mother and one day I had the weirdest phone call from her. Went something like this: Mum (who speaks like the Queen): ‘SanVito, are you happy?’ Me: :dubious: ‘Er, yes Mum, why?’ Mum: ‘Well, I’m not sure I understand, but as long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters’ Me: 😕‘Okaaaay’ Never spoken about it since. Stiff-upper lipped you know ---
**Author:** ![The\_Bith\_Shuffle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce73a5/32.png) [@The\_Bith\_Shuffle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Bith_Shuffle)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2009, 9:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/29 "2009-11-07T09:29:54Z")
Me and my dad used to have extensive arguments over politics. He was a stern conservative and has grown even more conservative over the years. He once asked me whether I thought I was as smart as an Asian. He didn’t support gay marriage, although I did. ---
**Author:** ![boytyperanma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4491bb/32.png) [@boytyperanma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/boytyperanma)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2009, 9:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/30 "2009-11-07T09:51:21Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > Yes. Do it in August. Its hot and there are no holidays. August sucks, might as well do something interesting during it. According to my homo handbook your supposed to come out in October. October 11th to be specific. I think Octobers pretty safe its not like any ones going to mind Columbus day being memorable for another reason. And well Halloween gives you so many more outfit options. I can’t even remember what month I came out in. I first came out to my older brother. He was very accepting and easy to deal with. I kinda used him as a shield when dealing with my parents. Coming out to a Mormon household isn’t pleasant. Ended up living with my brother for a while as my parents weren’t letting my stay with them. I came out at 18 or 19 and regret not doing so earlier I feel like I missed opportunities because of it. I think it would really suck to not to be able to come out till your much older, but it feels so much better to be honest no matter what your age. To my knowledge both my parents are straight. If one of them came out to me I’d be shocked. Not something I’d ever expect. Might find it hard not to be angry. They made my life hell when I came out, talk about revenge. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2009, 11:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/31 "2009-11-07T11:21:04Z")
> [@Chessic\_Sense](#): > > this was the guy I looked to as an example of manliness. Now, that image is entirely destroyed. How so? I don’t think there’s anything inherently unmanly about being gay. ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2009, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/32 "2009-11-07T13:04:32Z")
Bith Shuffle, this hasn’t happened to me, but my first reaction was, I wish I had your father. To show the interest in your opinion and the relationship with you, and to want to include you rather than exclude you, sounds great to me. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2009, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/33 "2009-11-07T15:03:25Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > Yes. Do it in August. Its hot and there are no holidays. August sucks, might as well do something interesting during it. Plus if the family disowns you then you don’t have to buy them Christmas presents or get an airline ticket home for the holidays. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2009, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/34 "2009-11-07T16:57:03Z")
> [@EvilTOJ](#): > > They were shocked and appalled by your grammar. You should have said “I’m dating a boy _named_ Tom”. > 😃 No, no. His name was Aloysius. He just called him Tom. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2009, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/35 "2009-11-07T17:06:40Z")
> [@](#): > > 2 a : to speak of or address by a specified name : give a name to \ - [m-w.com](http://m-w.com) Aaaaaaaaaaaanyway, coming out to family is really stressful even when you’re quite sure they’ll react well. It’s like getting married: even if you’re sure it’s the right thing to do, it’s still a Big Deal, which is something I think many straight people can underestimate sometimes, not having had to go through it themselves. ---
**Author:** ![gaffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e68b1a/32.png) [@gaffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gaffa)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2009, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/36 "2009-11-07T18:29:09Z")
> [@matt\_mcl](#): > > Well, I came out to my dad’s family on Thanksgiving mostly because they live in Ontario and we don’t see them at other times. It was a real Hallmark moment… When I was working at Hallmark Cards in the late 90s, we had “Create-A-Card” kiosks in various locations, that would allow you to choose a design and customize the text. But the software prohibited a huge number of words from being printed. I found out about this when my favorite gay couple Tommy and Greg wanted to make a card for my friend Kim with the greeting “To Our Favorite Fag-Hag!” and the kiosk wouldn’t let them. I don’t know if the Hallmark corporation has become more flexible in recent years. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [November 7, 2009, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/37 "2009-11-07T19:07:33Z")
> [@gaffa](#): > > When I was working at Hallmark Cards in the late 90s, we had “Create-A-Card” kiosks in various locations, that would allow you to choose a design and customize the text. But the software prohibited a huge number of words from being printed. I found out about this when my favorite gay couple Tommy and Greg wanted to make a card for my friend Kim with the greeting “To Our Favorite Fag-Hag!” and the kiosk wouldn’t let them. That’s why my mother had to write I’ll be glad when you’re de ad you bas tar d you on her Christmas card to her brother around that same time.😛 (True story.) ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2009, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/38 "2009-11-08T00:15:30Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#): > > How so? I don’t think there’s anything inherently unmanly about being gay. Well it sure doesn’t help. It might be different if he, I dunno, played football or fixed cars or something. But he’s a nurse. So pretty much the only manly thing he did was have sex with women. ---
**Author:** ![whiterabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/cab0a1/32.png) [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2009, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/39 "2009-11-08T01:14:23Z")
Being a nurse is unmanly? Not being into football or cars is unmanly? Why on Earth would you think that??? You have an incredibly narrow definition of “manly.” ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2009, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/40 "2009-11-08T01:21:14Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > Mom was so relieved that I didn’t freak out–apparently my brother got the same impression. I mean, c’mon, Mom, you raised us, what did you expect–we were just going to magically turn into homophobes? 😛 You have to admit it would be pretty freaking scary no matter how well you’d raised your children. I admire all those who’re cool with this stuff. I’ve never been in this situation, but it’s good to know you folks know what family’s all about. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602.md?page=3)