# My father came out to me. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 6, 2009, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602 "2009-11-06T17:12:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2009, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/41 "2009-11-08T02:36:55Z")
Well, my family is going through this now, and it’s not a lot of fun for the wife of a man who comes out. They are still married. My brother-in-law is off “exploring his sexuality” most nights and drinking way more than he ever has and treating my sister like a maid. The kids are both over 20, and he’s sort of told them…actually, it was his daughter who pretty much outed him. My kids and I know…I’m the shoulder my sister cries on while she tries to figure out how to conduct her life as a wife/not wife…and his new friends know…but not his work or his church or his family. We would be fine with this if he wasn’t being such a jerk. We don’t care if he’s gay or bi or whatever. We just want him to grow up and act like a man. He’s 52. My sister and he have been married for over 25 years, and all this had started in the last two years. My sister is the one who is trapped now…she’s not the kind to ask for a divorce…not yet…and he feels free to go do what he pleases, while she puts her life on hold. I hope she’ll be able to find the strength to insist that she be treated better. And I hope I never have to tell my mother about this. She truly wouldn’t care that he’s gay, but at 84 her heart will be breaking for her daughter. ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2009, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/42 "2009-11-08T03:13:20Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > No, no. His name was Aloysius. He just called him Tom. o/`Her name was Magill, and she called herself Lil But everyone knew her as Nancy o/` > [@kittenblue](#): > > Well, my family is going through this now, and it’s not a lot of fun for the wife of a man who comes out. They are still married. My brother-in-law is off “exploring his sexuality” most nights and drinking way more than he ever has and treating my sister like a maid. The kids are both over 20, and he’s sort of told them…actually, it was his daughter who pretty much outed him. My kids and I know…I’m the shoulder my sister cries on while she tries to figure out how to conduct her life as a wife/not wife…and his new friends know…but not his work or his church or his family. We would be fine with this if he wasn’t being such a jerk. We don’t care if he’s gay or bi or whatever. We just want him to grow up and act like a man. He’s 52. My sister and he have been married for over 25 years, and all this had started in the last two years. My sister is the one who is trapped now…she’s not the kind to ask for a divorce…not yet…and he feels free to go do what he pleases, while she puts her life on hold. I hope she’ll be able to find the strength to insist that she be treated better. > > And I hope I never have to tell my mother about this. She truly wouldn’t care that he’s gay, but at 84 her heart will be breaking for her daughter. Unfortunately, gay men can still be self-centered jerks. ☹ Trust me…I have experience… ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2009, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/43 "2009-11-08T04:14:40Z")
I’m pretty sure my ex-husband is so deep in the closet that he’s practically in Narnia. I don’t think he’s admitted to himself, even. It’s very sad. I’m really looking forward to the day when he comes to terms with himself. If that day ever comes. I can only hope, for my ex-husband’s sake, that there is an uncomfortable conversation in my son’s future.\* > [@Sampiro](#): > > If you don’t mind my asking, had you ever suspected this? Or did it make any elements of his life or friendships make more sense? In my situation, certain patterns emerged over time. There were so many little things that were just odd about him. And some big things. And these weren’t anomalies. They were things that remained constant over time. I’m not just talking about things that were obviously sexual. I tried out various hypotheses to account for the strange behavior, and the only one that fit was “he’s gay and he’s miserable because he’s living a lie.” As I went back through time and analyzed some of the things that had happened over the years, my confidence in that conclusion became stronger. There could have been some confirmation bias there, but I can assure you that I _really_ didn’t want my husband to be gay. - My son is 7, but has shown a remarkable level of perceptiveness with regard to reading people. So I can totally imagine the ex sitting my son down to lay this big bombshell on him, and my son saying “Er, yeah. And the sky is blue. Wanna order some pizza?” ---
**Author:** ![ToeJam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dfb087/32.png) [@ToeJam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ToeJam)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2009, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/44 "2009-11-08T06:37:41Z")
> [@Chessic\_Sense](#): > > But he’s a nurse. So pretty much the only manly thing he did was have sex with women. Because helping to save lives and helping take care of people in some of their worst times of illness isn’t manly? 😕 And women have sex with women all the time. That’s not really all that “manly” either. The World is so confusing! ---
**Author:** ![AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2009, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/45 "2009-11-08T06:49:08Z")
> [@](#): > > so deep in the closet that he’s practically in Narnia . AWESOME phrase! ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2009, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/46 "2009-11-08T16:32:37Z")
> [@matt\_mcl](#): > > Well, I came out to my dad’s family on Thanksgiving mostly because they live in Ontario and we don’t see them at other times. It was a real Hallmark moment: my cousin had just gotten married, and my aunt went, “I think we should take this moment to recognize that this is Wade and Leslie’s first Thanksgiving at the cottage as a married couple!” and everyone went “Aaawwww!” So I blurted out, “Well, as long as we’re talking long-term relationships, I’m dating a boy called Tom!” > > And there was complete silence. > > And then my aunt went, “Okay! Who wants pie?” Hey, you can’t just give us half the story and expect us to be satisfied! What happened after that? Did they accept that your revelation was real? Or does the whole family just ignore it like it never happened? ---
**Author:** ![kittenblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ba8739/32.png) [@kittenblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kittenblue)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2009, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/47 "2009-11-09T05:34:58Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > I’m pretty sure my ex-husband is so deep in the closet that he’s practically in Narnia. … > In my situation, certain patterns emerged over time. There were so many little things that were just odd about him. And some big things. And these weren’t anomalies. They were things that remained constant over time. I’m not just talking about things that were obviously sexual. > > I tried out various hypotheses to account for the strange behavior, and the only one that fit was “he’s gay and he’s miserable because he’s living a lie.” Could you give us an example of the little things you mean? Not that it would be terribly helpful to my sister at this point, but it would be nice to know if there were similar instances. Though I really think she should have had a clue when they didn’t have sex for 20 years. She did complain about him having a low sex drive…sigh. ---
**Author:** ![Crawlspace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Crawlspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crawlspace)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2009, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/48 "2009-11-09T06:08:42Z")
I’m sorry if this distressed you. Revealing one’s sexuality can be one one of the hardest things that needs to be said. But . . . > [@The\_Bith\_Shuffle](#): > > The day after Thanksgiving, my father came to my apartment unannounced. He does not do this, ever. He suggested we have coffee. I hadn’t showered yet and didn’t want to go out in public. I asked him if he’d like to come in, and he did. > > He came out to me as a homosexual. > > I was not expecting this. I had never suspected anything. He acted as though his coming out might tarnish my memories of him (untrue). He wasn’t apologetic, but he seemed worried that this might significantly change my image of him (not true). He was sixty-two years old at the time. > > Has this happened to anyone else? So . . . So Blith, . . . does this mean you’re Canadian? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Bith\_Shuffle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce73a5/32.png) [@The\_Bith\_Shuffle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Bith_Shuffle)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2009, 8:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/49 "2009-11-09T08:16:30Z")
> [@Crawlspace](#): > > I’m sorry if this distressed you. Revealing one’s sexuality can be one one of the hardest things that needs to be said. But . . . So . . . So Blith, . . . does this mean you’re Canadian? This happened last year. I like the question, though. =) ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2009, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/50 "2009-11-09T15:38:09Z")
> [@The\_Bith\_Shuffle](#): > > Me and my dad used to have extensive arguments over politics. He was a stern conservative and has grown even more conservative over the years. \*\*He once asked me whether I thought I was as smart as an Asian. \*\* He didn’t support gay marriage, although I did. Did he specify _which asian_? Shirley Who is barely smarter than her 6th grader ( who isn’t Asian.) ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2009, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/51 "2009-11-09T15:56:36Z")
> [@Chessic\_Sense](#): > > I mean, this was the guy I looked to as an example of manliness. Now, that image is entirely destroyed. I add my eyeroll to the others. :rolleyes: > [@RickJay](#): > > You have to admit it would be pretty freaking scary no matter how well you’d raised your children. Well, it’s not like she called me and told me she was going to start _voting Republican_. 😃 > [@kittenblue](#): > > Well, my family is going through this now, and it’s not a lot of fun for the wife of a man who comes out. They are still married. My brother-in-law is off “exploring his sexuality” most nights and drinking way more than he ever has and treating my sister like a maid. This is not “coming out.” This is “being an asshole.” Gay or not, he made a commitment to his wife. He can’t have his cake and eat it, too–the options are (1) come out and get a divorce, (2) come out and stay married but celibate, or (3) come out, stay married, and you and your spouse both have people on the side but you’re both okay with having an open relationship (and there are very few people who can really have a stable one, and a recently-out gay man and his wife are probably not them). The wife needs to grow a pair and kick him to the curb. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2009, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/52 "2009-11-09T18:13:36Z")
> [@kittenblue](#): > > Could you give us an example of the little things you mean? Not that it would be terribly helpful to my sister at this point, but it would be nice to know if there were similar instances. Feel free to PM me if you like, but I’d rather not give details here. I’d get nitpicked to death. Every example does have a perfectly legitimate alternate explanation, but as I said, the pattern really adds up. Occam’s razor and all that. I’ve discussed it with a few people who really seemed to want to prove me wrong–after all, how could a guy who was married and has a kid be gay? :rolleyes: And he doesn’t _seem_ gay! :rolleyes: :rolleyes: I’m finding this thread very comforting, because it’s nice to hear from people who accept that many gay men are perfectly capable of having sex with women. And aren’t necessarily flitting around in a feather boa singing Liza Minnelli tunes. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2009, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/53 "2009-11-09T19:58:23Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > And aren’t necessarily flitting around in a feather boa singing Liza Minnelli tunes. _What?!_ ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2009, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/54 "2009-11-09T20:34:40Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > _What?!_ Yes, sometimes it’s Cher. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2009, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/55 "2009-11-09T21:13:28Z")
There is nothing more tragic to me than a closeted homosexual. I have known too many, and it breaks my heart. I’m really glad your Dad felt comfortable sharing this with you. It means he loves you. My favorite ‘‘coming out’’ story was when my best friend came out to her Dad. She was sooo nervous. She said, ‘‘Dad, you know my friend Kim? I love her. As in, I kiss her and stuff.’’ His gruff reply? ‘‘Well, just don’t let it affect your schoolwork.’’ ---
**Author:** ![JR\_Brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d6d6ee/32.png) [@JR\_Brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JR_Brown)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2009, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/56 "2009-11-09T23:50:02Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > That’s why my mother had to write > > I’ll be glad > when you’re > de ad > you > bas tar d > you > > on her Christmas card to her brother around that same time.😛 (True story.) _Well._ The -ard is an “agent noun” suffix (drunkard, coward), so it should properly be bast ard. Obviously your mother is a person of inadequate education. _Sniff._ ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2009, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/57 "2009-11-10T13:58:41Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > There is nothing more tragic to me than a closeted homosexual. I have known too many, and it breaks my heart. I’m really glad your Dad felt comfortable sharing this with you. It means he loves you. > > My favorite ‘‘coming out’’ story was when my best friend came out to her Dad. She was sooo nervous. > > She said, ‘‘Dad, you know my friend Kim? I love her. As in, I kiss her and stuff.’’ > > His gruff reply? ‘‘Well, just don’t let it affect your schoolwork.’’ This is awesome. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Bith\_Shuffle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce73a5/32.png) [@The\_Bith\_Shuffle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Bith_Shuffle)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2009, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/58 "2009-11-10T17:06:46Z")
> [@Shirley\_Ujest](#): > > Did he specify _which asian_? > > Shirley > > Who is barely smarter than her 6th grader ( who isn’t Asian.) No, he was talking about a generic Asian here. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2009, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/59 "2009-11-10T19:13:12Z")
> [@The\_Bith\_Shuffle](#): > > No, he was talking about a generic Asian here. You mean a guy in a white shirt that says “ASIAN” across the front in big black letters? ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2009, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602/60 "2009-11-10T19:15:20Z")
To the OP: You and your father are very lucky to have each other. I mean that as a sincere compliment. . [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-came-out-to-me/516602.md?page=4)