# My father died today. I'm not in mourning. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 14, 2015, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582 "2015-11-14T18:18:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2015, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/41 "2015-11-15T16:23:49Z")
> [@jem\_1](#): > > I’m sorry your father wasn’t a decent dad. > > My FIL was horribly physically and emotionally abusive to his wife and children, though he mellowed out in his 60’s. I hated him for what he did to my husband as he was growing up. I had a hard time at his funeral, trying to appear appropriately solemn. (his children had mostly forgiven him.) My father was also abusive but in a different way and I wonder how I will react when he dies. I do know that from that day on, I will finally be able to walk past the Father’s Day greeting cards displayed every June, and (hopefully) not give them a second thought. I dread picking out a card every year. I stand there and want to cry. I’m sorry about your father, too. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2015, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/42 "2015-11-15T16:26:49Z")
> [@grude](#): > > I get you 100% Alice, I had threads here about issues with my mom and her passing but I wasn’t sad she died because everyone dies. I was sad even to the end she never showed any bit of love for me, she had money and asked me to abandon my wife and son to come be her minion and give her money. I’m not even sure she felt love or understood it, instead she employed a sort of crass attempted manipulation. > > If I mourned anything it was a lifetime of lack of love from her. I’ve read many of your threads about her. I mourn that for you, too. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2015, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/43 "2015-11-15T16:29:38Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > (Bolding mine.) Hell yeah, we do. At least, I do. Keeping things “dark secrets” is what allows them to thrive and continue on. I say expose that shit and hold it up to the light. Because 1)I’m not going to be like my mother and put on a fake smile and pretend that this craziness is all normal and there’s nothing wrong and 2)my children need to know the truth about why that set of grandparents aren’t in their lives and that it’s not because I’m a bad daughter or that they are bad kids that don’t deserve grandparental love. > > And no one that knew or even knew of my father will ever forget how bad he was. His horridness is legendary throughout the land. People that I’ve never even met recoil in horror at the mention of his name. He was truly an awful person, you don’t even understand. Makes you wonder if a certain poster might not be worried about his own dark secrets being passed down. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2015, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/44 "2015-11-15T16:34:11Z")
I’m bookmarking this thread for the day when my mother passes. I love her, but she is the most toxic person I’ve ever known and has wreaked havoc on everything in our lives. I’ll miss her terribly when she’s gone because she does have her occasional stand alone moments of normal (even wonderful) mom-ness. But all the love and missing will be tempered with relief, hurt and guilt over not being the daughter she apparently wanted. So, I feel for you, **Alice**. I can imagine what a difficult and odd road this is to walk. I’m sorry for all that you’ve had to go through. > [@Siam\_Sam](#): > > I’ve taken care of that by not having any children. My mother never tired of telling me how it wasn’t worth it to have children. Seeing how miserable she was, I figured she was right. So I don’t have any, and I’m pretty darned happy. This is also me. Mental illness aside, there was no way I was subjecting a child of mine to her, so there’s no concerns there. It just is what it is. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2015, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/45 "2015-11-15T16:53:09Z")
> [@faithfool](#): > > I’m bookmarking this thread for the day when my mother passes. I love her, but she is the most toxic person I’ve ever known and has wreaked havoc on everything in our lives. I’ll miss her terribly when she’s gone because she does have her occasional stand alone moments of normal (even wonderful) mom-ness. But all the love and missing will be tempered with relief, hurt and guilt over not being the daughter she apparently wanted. So, I feel for you, **Alice**. I can imagine what a difficult and odd road this is to walk. I’m sorry for all that you’ve had to go through. That’s the thing, though- it’s not difficult. I feel nothing over his death except relief. It is odd, though, to not have the “normal” feelings that one has with the death of a parent. If I don’t keep in mind what kind of person he was, it would be easy to question whether _I’m_ a horrible person for not being in mourning. Most people that haven’t been there would say, “But he’s _your father_!” If he’d been like your mother, it would be a lot more difficult. But he wasn’t, he was 100% toxic, it had been almost 20 years since I’d last dealt with him, and I’ve gone through a lot of therapy in that time. So it’s okay. Any difficult feelings I’m having right now have to do with my reconciliation with my mother, who, although not mean or abusive, is still, I feel, culpable for the abuse of my childhood due to her willful negligence. And that’s hard for me to deal with. ---
**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2015, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/46 "2015-11-15T16:57:02Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Even if I do call her, how am I going to sound sad? I can’t, but I don’t want to sound callous, either. What am I going to say? > > I hope I don’t sound like a cold-hearted person and I wonder if anybody else has gone through this. No, you’re not a cold hearted person. You don’t have to sound sad, just call up your mom and say sorry for your loss mom. It’s for your mom, not him. Then take it from there. My father wasn’t quite the person yours was, but he went to prison when I was a kid and never really got his shit together ever since. I made attempts to foster some sort of relationship with him later on but him behaving like a perpetual adolescent made it difficult, and just reserve myself to the fact that it was a lost cause. I don’t know how I’ll feel when he passes, but I do know whatever it is it won’t take me long to get over it and move on. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2015, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/47 "2015-11-15T17:00:44Z")
Ah, sorry, **Alice**. I meant difficult in it being a different reaction than most people expect or anticipate. I’m fubarring language right and left these days. Mea culpa. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2015, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/48 "2015-11-15T19:38:28Z")
> [@faithfool](#): > > Ah, sorry, **Alice**. I meant difficult in it being a different reaction than most people expect or anticipate. I’m fubarring language right and left these days. Mea culpa. Oh, no, I misunderstood, then. Be gentle with yourself- you are actually experiencing real grief these days! ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2015, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/49 "2015-11-15T20:36:30Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > That’s the thing, though- it’s not difficult. I feel nothing over his death except relief. It is odd, though, to not have the “normal” feelings that one has with the death of a parent. If I don’t keep in mind what kind of person he was, it would be easy to question whether _I’m_ a horrible person for not being in mourning. Most people that haven’t been there would say, “But he’s _your father_!” If he’d been like your mother, it would be a lot more difficult. But he wasn’t, he was 100% toxic, it had been almost 20 years since I’d last dealt with him, and I’ve gone through a lot of therapy in that time. So it’s okay. Any difficult feelings I’m having right now have to do with my reconciliation with my mother, who, although not mean or abusive, is still, I feel, culpable for the abuse of my childhood due to her willful negligence. And that’s hard for me to deal with. I can totally see not mourning, and actually being pissed that you didn’t have the kind of father who you would mourn in a normal way. Feeling relief seems perfectly reasonable to me! > [@GrumpyBunny](#): > > I haven’t gone through it personally, but a good friend has a similar situation with her father. Unfortunately, her mom (who she was close to) died first, so now dad is kind of on her hands. And she wants to be a “good” person and help, but the fact is, dad’s still a drunken asshat. My father isn’t that bad, but yeah, I hoped he would die first so I could be with mom and take care of her as an old lady. She died relatively young and now I live with him because I wasn’t doing anything else, he probably needs the company, and he’s not as scary and domineering as he was when I was a kid. But if he dies first my reactions will be: Shit, now I have to figure out how to file his paperwork and taxes, and fix up and sell this house. and after that: I’M FREE!!! ---
**Author:** ![outlierrn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/outlierrn/32/3005_2.png) [@outlierrn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/outlierrn)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2015, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/50 "2015-11-15T21:29:35Z")
I get you, Alice, my mother passed this spring, and the hardest part was being gracious to peoples well intentioned sympathy. Best wishes. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2015, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/51 "2015-11-15T23:41:47Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Fortunately, there will be no funeral or memorial service- nobody would go, anyway. I’m kind of sad that there will be no grave. That ruins a very special plan that I’ve had for a long time. I can imagine what that “plan” was and I’d bet many others would join you. So what exactly are they doing with the body? Just cremation and having the ashes scattered? ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2015, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/52 "2015-11-15T23:48:34Z")
Cremation, but I don’t know about the ashes. When I called my mother last night, we really didn’t discuss him, as odd as that may seem- the only time I mentioned him was when I remarked that I’d heard that her husband had died. I really didn’t want the first conversation I had with her in 10 years to be dominated by him in death the way he’d dominated everything between us in life, if that makes sense. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2015, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/53 "2015-11-15T23:57:05Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Cremation, but I don’t know about the ashes. When I called my mother last night, we really didn’t discuss him, as odd as that may seem- the only time I mentioned him was when I remarked that I’d heard that her husband had died. I really didn’t want the first conversation I had with her in 10 years to be dominated by him in death the way he’d dominated everything between us in life, if that makes sense. Wow, I cannot imagine the relief you have now that he is gone. And your probably right exposing his bad behavior to future generations so years from now they forget and he becomes someone they honor. ---
**Author:** ![Spud](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spud/32/347_2.png) [@Spud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spud)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2015, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/54 "2015-11-16T01:27:51Z")
This has to be the saddest and most depressing thread ever. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2015, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/55 "2015-11-16T01:45:44Z")
> [@Spud](#): > > This has to be the saddest and most depressing thread ever. I don’t think so. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2015, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/56 "2015-11-16T01:53:21Z")
> [@Spud](#): > > This has to be the saddest and most depressing thread ever. why? The notion that The Cleavers are the Ideal American Family is what is sad. I turned out more-or-less OK but I won’t lie and say every day growing up was “Hi honey, I’m home!” and “golly gee whiz, Wally!” and “Oh he was real sore on account of me forgetting to take the trash out.” There is no perfect family. Growing up poor with one parent in the inner city might help you turn into a gang member and kill someone. Or become a [multimillionaire.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LeBron_James) Growing up in a wealthy family with everything you could want or need might see you [kill four people.](http://www.cnn.com/2013/12/11/us/texas-teen-dwi-wreck/) Your parent(s) might have done things right by you but you were a sociopath who felt [you were entitled to decide who deserved to live and die.](http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/assessment/2004/04/the_depressive_and_the_psychopath.html) there are 7+ billion people on this planet. there are shitty parents, and shitty kids. it’s not “sad” to acknowledge that. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2015, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/57 "2015-11-16T02:13:21Z")
Yeah, there are actually very sad and depressing threads current right now- there’s one where a poster has terminal colon cancer, one where another poster’s beloved husband just passed away, and numerous threads where actual loving and nice parents have recently died. This thread is about feeling relief and not-grief, and how odd it can be to feel that when your parent dies, but it’s not sad and depressing. To me, anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Spud](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spud/32/347_2.png) [@Spud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spud)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2015, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/58 "2015-11-16T03:23:39Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Yeah, there are actually very sad and depressing threads current right now- there’s one where a poster has terminal colon cancer, one where another poster’s beloved husband just passed away, and numerous threads where actual loving and nice parents have recently died. This thread is about feeling relief and not-grief, and how odd it can be to feel that when your parent dies, but it’s not sad and depressing. To me, anyway. I intended no offence and I apologize if I caused any. I am a father of three and I’m nowhere near perfect, but I’ve tried hard. The reason this is sad and depressing to me is the number of posters who say they have no positive feelings for their parents. I can fail at a lot of things and still recover, but if I fail at being a parent I don’t know what I would do. My father passed away a year and a half ago, and I miss him every day. I’m sad that you didn’t get to have that kind of a relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2015, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/59 "2015-11-16T04:16:32Z")
> [@Spud](#): > > I intended no offence and I apologize if I caused any. I am a father of three and I’m nowhere near perfect, but I’ve tried hard. The reason this is sad and depressing to me is the number of posters who say they have no positive feelings for their parents. I can fail at a lot of things and still recover, but if I fail at being a parent I don’t know what I would do. > > My father passed away a year and a half ago, and I miss him every day. I’m sad that you didn’t get to have that kind of a relationship. No offense taken. I’m sorry for your grief. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2015, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/60 "2015-11-16T05:17:42Z")
This is why I brought up in #31 above if we should tell future generations about the bad ancestors and #35, if people in their later years could ever have some positive closure with the people who have harmed them in the past. Turns out yes on 1 and no on 2. All we can do is learn from our past and go on. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582.md?page=4)