# My father died today. I'm not in mourning. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 14, 2015, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582 "2015-11-14T18:18:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![48Willys](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/4/db5fbb/32.png) [@48Willys](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/48Willys)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2015, 6:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/61 "2015-11-16T06:05:49Z")
Alice, I can fully relate to your situation. My dad also was very abusive both physically & emotionally. I also believe that he sexually abused my sisters. I did not mourn for him at all. I did attend the funeral, but that was just so I could see him in the casket. My brother & I wanted to be very sure that he was dead. We had been estranged from him for decades. I see no need to dance on his grave or to do anything like that. Heck, I do not even remember exactly where his grave is. I am just glad that he is gone. Some of my siblings did try to figure out what caused him to be abusive. They tried to talk to him, they did talk to his siblings & no one was ever able to figure out why he was what he was. I personally did not care why, I just accepted that he was & that he was not likely to change. I have lived my life with that in mind. I do not regret that choice. He never met my kids, nor my grand kids. They did not need to endure the abuse that he would have heaped on them. My kids were told the truth when they asked about my mom & dad. I waited until I felt that they were mature enough to hear what he was like. IIRC, They were in their mid teens at the time. Twelve years later, relief is still the only emotion that I feel when his death comes to my attention. I did reconnect with my mom after his death. I am glad I did that. I recommend that you try to reconnect with her if possible. IHTH, 48. ---
**Author:** ![Aji\_de\_Gallina](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aji_de_gallina/32/260_2.png) [@Aji\_de\_Gallina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aji_de_Gallina)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2015, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/62 "2015-11-16T07:03:56Z")
When my dad (and mom) die the only thing that will make me feel sad is the fact that it won’t make me sad. Every once in a while I shed a couple of tears about them for that same reason: their being horrible people has robbed me of somethign people take for granted whichh is loving your parents. ---
**Author:** ![edwardcoast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cab0a1/32.png) [@edwardcoast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/edwardcoast)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2015, 8:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/63 "2015-11-16T08:35:43Z")
What to say…“Hi. I’m so sorry for your loss. How are you doing? Is there anything I can do for you?”. That’s what I would say to anyone. As for how you felt about your father, I’ve come to understand that people like that have a mental disorder. It doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it goes a long way to explain it. ---
**Author:** ![edwardcoast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cab0a1/32.png) [@edwardcoast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/edwardcoast)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2015, 8:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/64 "2015-11-16T08:54:22Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Thank you. I called my mother. I actually hadn’t spoken to her in about 10 years. It was okay. She didn’t seem too broken up. We ended up joking around and laughing, not about him, but just in general. I picture her going to bed tonight, both hands behind her head, smiling, like "“aaah”. And that makes me smile, because I escaped, but he was a son of a bitch to her for 50 years. Good for you for doing that. I’m sure it took courage to call and speak to her after so long and considering the circumstances. When we are children, we watch TV, movies, read books and her about how families behave in school. But the reality is, life is not Leave it to Beaver. Like is not a TV show, and as adults when I get to know someone, they too reveal their family isn’t perfect. But people in general do a pretty good job of hiding it from the outside world. Women who stand in abusive relationships keep the secret. A family member gets sent to jail, and no one else is told why or where they are. I can’t think of a single person I got to know that didn’t reveal something truly dysfunctional about their family and in-laws. And I’m not talking about something petty like they were re-gifted for their birthday, horrible stuff like child molesters, incest, heavy drug users, wife beating, child beating, parents being kept as prisoners in their own homes being forced to cut-off contact with the rest of the family to hide their shame. I know this might sound minor, but I recently overheard an elderly woman complaining about her sister who has a very negative personality. Her sister calls her on the phone and does nothing but complain about people and the world for as much as 5 hours at a strength. None of this sounds healthy. Just because someone is family, it doesn’t give them a right to abuse you and take advantage of your good nature. Those types of sick people do, because they know anyone else walks away from them. After someone dies, if you can remember them for anything they did which you felt good about, then focus on that, because you won and will be at peace. If you can’t do that, then think about something positive or someone else you really cherish having in your life. ---
**Author:** ![stolatt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5e925/32.png) [@stolatt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stolatt)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2015, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/65 "2015-11-16T14:22:16Z")
Alice, I’m glad this finally brings some peace to your family. I’m hoping you and your family can go forward together in a positive and happy way. I have been fortunate to not have an abusive father. There was a scene in the Breakfast Club where Ally Sheedy’s character is asked if things were bad at home, were her parents abusing her? She said “They ignore me”. Which is what my father does and if in the event he has to acknowledge me, it is with shame. I hope no one expected to cry at his funeral. I did all my crying already. His funeral will only be a formality. ---
**Author:** ![peedin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peedin/32/14095_2.png) [@peedin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peedin)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2015, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/66 "2015-11-16T14:25:53Z")
What I tell everyone: You are not obligated to love someone just because they are related to you. You would not choose this person as your friend if they were not family. My horrible brother died last year, and while I’m not glad he’s dead, I certainly don’t miss him. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2015, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/67 "2015-11-16T15:19:41Z")
> [@stolatt](#): > > I have been fortunate to not have an abusive father. There was a scene in the Breakfast Club where Ally Sheedy’s character is asked if things were bad at home, were her parents abusing her? She said “They ignore me”. Which is what my father does and if in the event he has to acknowledge me, it is with shame. Mine was one of those where his treatment of you depended on his mood. My mom read in The Joy Luck Club about one of the men where when he’s happy you better be happy with him whether you feel like it or not. And he’s a great guy when he’s happy so most of the time you don’t mind. But he was basically moody and when he came home from the job he hated, he didn’t acknowledge us at all, and basically cast a dark cloud over the table. When he wasn’t home, the rest of us had the best most relaxed time. No, I wasn’t abused and I had everything I needed, but I wish he had just cared enough to look outside himself. Why have kids at all if you have no real relationship with them? He and I are just alike in a lot of ways and that’s part of the reason I don’t trust myself to have children and treat them well. We get along now and a lot of his power is dissipated but I do resent his treatment of us as kids. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2015, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/68 "2015-11-16T15:26:46Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > Why have kids at all if you have no real relationship with them? because society expects everyone to, whether they want to or not. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2015, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/69 "2015-11-16T15:27:53Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > Oh, no, I misunderstood, then. Be gentle with yourself- you are actually experiencing real grief these days! Thank you. \<3 ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2015, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/70 "2015-11-16T16:15:32Z")
> [@jem\_1](#): > > I will finally be able to walk past the Father’s Day greeting cards displayed every June, and (hopefully) not give them a second thought. I dread picking out a card every year. I stand there and want to cry. Don’t pick one out. Don’t pretend. You’re setting yourself up with false hope. I heard a phrase once, “You’re petting an alligator, hoping it will purr.” Acknowledge the situation and let go. Try in next year. Don’t send a card, don’t call, don’t do anything. If you have a man (or woman) in your life who’s been a REAL father figure, take them out to dinner. ---
**Author:** ![stillownedbysetters](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/41988e/32.png) [@stillownedbysetters](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stillownedbysetters)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2015, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/71 "2015-11-16T18:59:49Z")
One of my dearest friends is the oldest of five children. His father left his mother and their children when my friend was 8 years old. (yes, the kids were stairsteps - good Catholic family, yanno) He never contributed one penny to the children’s support over the years, in fact, he never held a job again after leaving the family just so that he wouldn’t have to pay any child support. He never contacted the children again - not once. His sins were those of omission rather than commission, but they were sins all the same. Five years ago, word came to my friend’s mother through a family member of the father’s, that he had passed away. They invited the mother to the funeral. She didn’t want to go, but felt it was her duty. The poor hapless parish priest, not knowing the bad blood, when introduced to my friend’s mother, asked her to stand up and say a few words. And she did. My friend had accompanied his mother to the service, not wanting to go himself, but thinking she shouldn’t be alone. This, he told me, is what she said when she went up to the lectern. “William, you were a sorry excuse for a man and to this day I don’t know why I married you. You left me alone with five wonderful children that you never wanted the pleasure of knowing. Thankfully, none of them is anything like you, except in looks. You wanted to leave me a loser. But instead you made me a winner. God may have mercy on your soul, but it won’t be because I’m asking him to.” (Never underestimate the fury of an Irish woman) In any case, Alice. Your father wanted to make you a loser, too, but instead he made you a winner. All of us here know that to be true. ---
**Author:** ![jem\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@jem\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jem_1)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2015, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/72 "2015-11-16T19:35:20Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > Don’t pick one out. Don’t pretend. You’re setting yourself up with false hope. > > I heard a phrase once, “You’re petting an alligator, hoping it will purr.” Acknowledge the situation and let go. > > Try in next year. Don’t send a card, don’t call, don’t do anything. If you have a man (or woman) in your life who’s been a REAL father figure, take them out to dinner. Thank you. I’ll think about it, though it would be difficult to skip Father’s Day, because then I would have to skip Mother’s Day. That would upset my mom and would feel weird to me. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2015, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/73 "2015-11-16T19:38:38Z")
I feel lucky in that my dad was a total bastard for all of my youth, but in his later years he somehow learned at least something about controlling his mouth and his temper. It was rather remarkable to be able to see him about to make an ugly remark, and then suddenly swallow it and say nothing. Anyway, I had 10 or 12 “good” years of him at the end, and I’m grateful that we became at least partly reconciled. The only thing to regret is the loss of a similar chance, as unlikely as it almost certainly was. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2015, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/74 "2015-11-16T20:22:21Z")
> [@jem\_1](#): > > Thank you. I’ll think about it, though it would be difficult to skip Father’s Day, because then I would have to skip Mother’s Day. That would upset my mom and would feel weird to me. Well, if you have a good relationship with your mom then send her a Mother’s Day card. They’re married, but not Siamese twins. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2015, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/75 "2015-11-16T21:35:19Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > I feel lucky in that my dad was a total bastard for all of my youth, but in his later years he somehow learned at least something about controlling his mouth and his temper. It was rather remarkable to be able to see him about to make an ugly remark, and then suddenly swallow it and say nothing. > > Anyway, I had 10 or 12 “good” years of him at the end, and I’m grateful that we became at least partly reconciled. Similar story here. My dad wasn’t a total bastard when I was growing up, but he had a temper and was far from an ideal father even when his temper wasn’t in evidence. But like you and your dad, we did get ten or twelve good years at the end when we got past our difficulties with each other. And in my eulogy for him, I was honest about the fact that for most of our lives, our relationship had been a rocky one, but that it had finally come around. When my mother eventually passes on, I won’t be able to say the same thing. Dad and I grew past our differences. Mom, who was absolutely horrible to me when I was growing up, has always been in denial about what she did, and we basically papered over our differences. Now that she’s been overtaken by dementia, there will be no meaningful resolution. I will not be able to speak at her funeral, whenever it might be, for I will have little good to say. ---
**Author:** ![Cardigan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cardigan/32/187_2.png) [@Cardigan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cardigan)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2015, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/76 "2015-11-16T21:59:09Z")
Like many others that have posted on this thread, I too felt no sadness when my own mother died, only a sense of relief (she was emotionally abusive to my brother and I our whole lives). I never shed a tear or felt badly about her death. My spouse assured me at the funeral that I was “repressing my feelings and grief would eventually explode if I continued to keep it all bottled up.” That was nine years ago and, so far nothing remotely approaching grief or sadness over her departure has occurred to me. Unless you’re aware of trying to avoid thoughts about your deceased parent, there’s no ‘bottling’ going on. She caused a ton of grief, anger, and sadness to me while she was alive, but after her death I found I was pretty much released from ever having to experience those feelings in connection with her again. ---
**Author:** ![katpohl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b782af/32.png) [@katpohl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/katpohl)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2015, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/77 "2015-11-17T13:57:17Z")
You can’t mourn the loss of something you never had . My dad died in 1990 ( He was in the middle of his eighth divorce ) When I realized I felt nothing , not numb , just nothing , while standing there looking at his carcass in that coffin , I had a twinge of guilt because I didn’t feel anything. So at the end of the day all I could come up with was a twinge of guilt over not feeling guilty about not feeling anything. Dad wasn’t very good at being a husband ,but he sure seemed to like being a groom. Dad was an OTR truck driver. My two older brothers and myself were the products of his first wife. She left us sitting on a street corner one day and ran off with a neighbors husband. My oldest brother was three years old, I was 6 weeks old . Dad married again when I was 11 months old, if you look in the dictionary under pure uncut evil , her photo would be there . For my brothers and me it was 9 years , several broken bones and lots of blood later, that dad came home off the road to find his self divorced again . By the time I was 15 dad had been married and divorced 5 times . he wasn’t abusive until his 5 wife came along , until then the others had all been okay with doing their own damage . The 5 TH one seemed to take pleasure from making dad whip us tree kids enough to keep her happy enough to stick around and keep the home fires burning while he was on the road . After I got married, I was so scared when I first realized I was pregnant that I sought counseling . I had never been a daughter and had never had a mother , and I knew I was clueless . I was blessed , I had found the right counselor . A few years of intense counseling allowed me to leave the years spent with dad’s wives in the past , ---
**Author:** ![leftfield6](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leftfield6/32/18780_2.png) [@leftfield6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leftfield6)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2015, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/78 "2015-11-17T15:26:46Z")
My father passed away almost exactly one year ago. I was very close to him, and his death hit me hard. My mother is still alive, but suffers from Alzheimer’s, and has been in a nursing facility for about 5 years. Since my fathers funeral last November, I have not been to my hometown to visit my mother. When she dies, I’m not sure I’ll go back for a service. She was a hard, bitter, mean-spirited woman who made every day of my father’s life miserable, and mine as well. She spent her life being a selfish, self-centered bitch, and the fact the she now has Alzheimer’s does not change the fact the she has always been a despicable woman. I’ve heard that my not having paid my respects by visiting her has been noted by family members back in my hometown, and I am being harshly judged. Fuck them, they did not have to live with her. All of her final arrangements are prepaid, so there will be a funeral, a casket, burial, all the pageantry of a traditional US funeral bullshit. Fine, they can do it without me. And I am not the least bit sad about this. She lived her life how she chose. I’ve chosen to judge her by that, and move on with my life. ---
**Author:** ![Barrett\_Bonden](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5e9695/32.png) [@Barrett\_Bonden](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Barrett_Bonden)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2015, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/79 "2015-11-17T16:55:30Z")
> [@stillownedbysetters](#): > > “. . .God may have mercy on your soul, but it won’t be because I’m asking him to.” This is awesome. ---
**Author:** ![Sparky812](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eb9ed0/32.png) [@Sparky812](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sparky812)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2015, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582/80 "2015-11-17T17:53:32Z")
\*\*Alice, \*\*you have my heartfelt sympathies and know that there are some of us in similar situations who are sending our best thoughts. I often wonder how I will react when my own father finally passes. I honestly believe that it will be with a great sigh of relief that he can no longer terrorize my Mom or any of us again. He is a physically, verbally, and mentally abusive person. He’s a heavy smoker and alcoholic. He’s a perpetually pessimistic person who has nothing good to say about anyone or anything. We used to joke that if you won a million dollars, he’d give you a million reasons how it’s your fault, you did it wrong and/or he would have done it better. Although my Mom still lives with him in the same house, I have not visited nor spoken to him in several years. My Mom is welcome to visit us but he is not welcome in my home or to be around my children due to his past inappropriate behaviors. **Alice** I hope that his death will give you some closure and help you rekindle your relationships with your family, if possible. Do not apologize or feel guilty, it’s OK to be sad about the situation, even if you’re not sad he’s gone. **@ Spud** I have 3 children whom I adore more than life itself. It brings me to tears, to think someone could subject their children to the anger and cruelty we endured. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-died-today-im-not-in-mourning/737582.md?page=5)