# My father has died, long, sorry **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 13, 2014, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397 "2014-09-13T17:17:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Grrlbrarian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrlbrarian/32/4048_2.png) [@Grrlbrarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrlbrarian)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2014, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/101 "2014-09-17T19:13:20Z")
{{{ **Baker** }}} So sorry you lost your dad. Thoughts and prayers to you and your mom and fam as you endure the loss of such a beloved man. It is clear from your stories how much he loves you and your mom also. Thank you for the caution about the CD and driving distracted. Such an important reminder and so vital to keeping other riders safe. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2014, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/102 "2014-09-17T19:48:19Z")
Okay, now I’m officially pissed. I was at my mother’s house today, and a FedEx truck pulls up. The package delivered said “legal documents” so we opened it. Huh, it was from a firm of personal injury lawyers, a book of theirs on “Winning a lawsuit with dignity” Yeah, right. My dad hasn’t even been dead for a frakking week, and the vultures send her something like this. Probably got his name out of the newspaper articles, or from the television news story. My inclination is to burn the book and mail them the ashes, but Mom wouldn’t like it. However, I think my Dad may have appreciated it. I won’t do it of course, but just thinking about it makes me feel better. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2014, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/103 "2014-09-17T20:35:06Z")
> [@Baker](#): > > My inclination is to burn the book and mail them the ashes, but Mom wouldn’t like it. However, I think my Dad may have appreciated it. I won’t do it of course, but just thinking about it makes me feel better. I’d do it. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2014, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/104 "2014-09-18T02:56:40Z")
Condolences, **Baker**. My father died 15 years ago. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![flatlined](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb9ed0/32.png) [@flatlined](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flatlined)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2014, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/105 "2014-09-18T03:48:12Z")
> [@faithfool](#): > > **Baker** , I’m also so very, very sorry you’ve lost your dad. Just from that brief description (still motorcycle riding at his age, a long marriage, a great daughter and an appreciation for reverse psychology), he did sound awesome. Maybe when you feel up to it, you could share more? In the meantime, please take care of yourself and know that we’re all here for you. If you need to talk, reminisce, vent, whatever. My heart breaks for you, as well as the rest of his loved ones. Sending prayers your way. \<3 +1 Your dad sounds totally awesome. > [@Baker](#): > > I’ll tell you all about my Dad and the real estate manager. See, Dad raised three girls, and always tried to be proper in front of us, no swearing, and so on. > > I used to wonder where **MY** ornery impulses came from. > > Well, at one point my dad had to sell the house we did most of our growing up in. I don’t know exactly how it was handled, but at the closing my Dad had to have about $2000 dollars, to cover some gap in prices. He was going to write a personal check, but the manager said he to have a certified check, not a personal one. Dad took this as a slight, implying that his signature wasn’t good enough. > > So at the time of closing, when the office manager asked for the money, Dad produced a sack and upended it on the guy’s desk. It was full of ones and fives Dad had got at the bank, and taken out of their sleeves. We were told by Dad that his one mistake was not taking the money back when the guy got red in the face and screamed he wouldn’t take it like that. He’d refused legal tender, after all. > > So then I learned why I am like I am.😛 I’m sorry, I laughed at this. What a guy 🙂 > [@Baker](#): > > My inclination is to burn the book and mail them the ashes, but Mom wouldn’t like it. However, I think my Dad may have appreciated it. I won’t do it of course, but just thinking about it makes me feel better. Do it! Or send it to one of us and we’ll do it! I totally volunteer. Seriously, I’m so sorry about your loss and pain. I’m sorry for your mother, she must be hurting so much. I’m really ticked at the idiot who killed your beloved father. Many people don’t watch the road as much as occupy their lane and then injure or kill bikers, bike riders and pedestrians. Their excuse is always “I didn’t see them”. If you would open your fucking eyes and pay attention to your driving, you would have! I hope you get to a point where you feel safe crying soon. Grief is real and painful. Punching it down when it starts to overflow isn’t really that good for you. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss. ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2014, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/106 "2014-09-18T13:19:01Z")
I’m so very, very sorry, Baker. You and your family are in my thoughts. I really don’t know what else to say. Just {{{{Baker}}}}. ---
**Author:** ![JackieLikesVariety](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackielikesvariety/32/296_2.png) [@JackieLikesVariety](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JackieLikesVariety)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2014, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/107 "2014-09-19T01:11:02Z")
I’m so sorry. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2014, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/108 "2014-09-20T14:45:26Z")
The visitation was Thursday evening. The funeral director said he’d seldom seen so many people at such an event. Almost two hundred fifty people signed the book and at times the line was out the door not of just the chapel, but the front door of the funeral home. I held up well for the most part, greeting people and chatting, but twice I finally did break down and cry hard. Yesterday, Friday, was the funeral at the church. It’s a fairly large church, and was completely filled. Some people had to be put into the choir’s balcony, as there was no more room in the sanctuary. My mother, who has been a member there for all her eightly two years, said she’d never seen such a packed funeral gathering. I didn’t cry there, except for a few leaked tears. As the oldest child I had to escort my mother in behind the coffin, and I just told myself I was acting a part in a movie or a play. That way I didn’t break up on Mom. A lot of people came to the committal at the cemetery as well, and over a hundred to the lunch at the church. Dad had tons of friends and lives he’d touched. A veteran’s group planted flags. There were people from the car and motorcycle clubs he belonged to, and the car auction he’d driven for. A lot of relatives of course, with the death of his brother earlier in the year he was the oldest male on both sides of my family. Lots of people from the church, he’d been a member of the choir since 1947, with just a two year hiatus for his military service from 1951 to 1953. Sometimes I still think it’s a bad dream, but for now I will help Mom concentrate on her affairs. ---
**Author:** ![Salem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8c91f0/32.png) [@Salem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Salem)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2014, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/109 "2014-09-20T23:28:44Z")
What a great honor to your dad and how nice for your mom and you and your family to get that kind of support and see how much your dad meant to everyone. What a shock this must be to all of you. Death is never easy, but when it’s also a shock, you are dealing with more than just the loss. I hope you are able to eventually find comfort in your memories and acceptance of this “new normal” that you are forced to get used to. My sympathies and empathy. ---
**Author:** ![btthegreat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f4b2a3/32.png) [@btthegreat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/btthegreat)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2014, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/110 "2014-09-20T23:47:02Z")
I discovered over the years since I lost my Dad, that the loss lingered when I thought of him to this very day, but the warmth of the memories and the blessing, seemed to wrap around that loss, and escort it to a back pew when I thought of him. My best wishes. ---
**Author:** ![SkipMagic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skipmagic/32/20706_2.png) [@SkipMagic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkipMagic)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2014, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/111 "2014-09-22T20:14:05Z")
I just read about this in the paper, **Baker**. I’m so sorry. You and your family are in our thoughts. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2014, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/112 "2014-09-27T12:14:48Z")
I’m sorry about the loss if your father, neighbor. While you and I (and other NE Kansas Dopers) never did manage to meet IRL, I feel like I know you, and perhaps you will find that a bit of a sense of shared loss and reflection passing across this internet community, while diffuse and incomplete, is nevertheless very much real. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2014, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/113 "2014-09-28T14:33:38Z")
I would use pages from the book as tp. Then mail it back to them. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2014, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/114 "2014-09-28T15:04:59Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > I would use pages from the book as tp. Then mail it back to them. The thing is, I wouldn’t put it past folks like that to go to the expense of a DNA test. I don’t think I’m in any databases, but still. I will admit I thought of your proposal, but my mother wouldn’t approve, and if she heard about it it would make her feel bad. I’ll do anything, even pass on this sort of satisfaction, rather than make her feel bad. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2014, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/115 "2014-09-28T15:11:45Z")
I’m sure the book will make a good doorstop. As long as you remember him, you won’t miss him. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2014, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/116 "2014-11-30T00:40:49Z")
Sorry to bump this, but I need some help. Please, tell me it stops hurting some day. I was out shopping, and drove by the local bowling alley. Dad used to bowl, and although I’m not so good I like to bowl. Before the accident I’d been meaning to ask Dad if he wanted to go bowling, just for fun. Kept putting it off and then I can’t because he’s dead. I burst out crying. I want to go bowling with my Dad and I can’t. Will this kind of thing ever go away? Does the pain get better. I keep feeling it’s not fair the other guy is fine, but the rest of my family is in pain. Who do I go to? My mom hurts worse than anyone. My sisters hurt too. Anyone I call to whine to would just end up feeling depressed too. Hell, I feel guilty moaning to you folks. Maybe I should ask for help from my priest, he’s heard it all before I’m sure. So sorry to belike this, forgive me. ---
**Author:** ![not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_what_you_d_expect/32/3246_2.png) [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_what_you_d_expect)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2014, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/117 "2014-11-30T00:51:17Z")
I’m so sorry hon. I felt like I was going to lose my mind after my mom died. I used to go out to the car and just scream. But yes, it does get easier. It just takes time. More time than you think you can stand, but eventually, it won’t hurt quite so much. Please don’t feel like you need to ask for forgiveness. We’re here to listen. Talk about this as much as you need to. And cry as much as you need to. Feel better soon. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2014, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/118 "2014-11-30T00:53:23Z")
> [@Baker](#): > > Sorry to bump this, but I need some help. > > Please, tell me it stops hurting some day. > > I was out shopping, and drove by the local bowling alley. Dad used to bowl, and although I’m not so good I like to bowl. Before the accident I’d been meaning to ask Dad if he wanted to go bowling, just for fun. Kept putting it off and then I can’t because he’s dead. > > I burst out crying. I want to go bowling with my Dad and I can’t. Will this kind of thing ever go away? Does the pain get better. I keep feeling it’s not fair the other guy is fine, but the rest of my family is in pain. > > Who do I go to? My mom hurts worse than anyone. My sisters hurt too. Anyone I call to whine to would just end up feeling depressed too. Hell, I feel guilty moaning to you folks. Maybe I should ask for help from my priest, he’s heard it all before I’m sure. > > So sorry to belike this, forgive me. Don’t be. I’ve lost both my parents, & the family is all alienated from each other. So I know holiday hurt. Don’t apologize. The loss of a Dad is worth mourning, & anybody who gets evil with you over it is trollish, & deserves a punch inna nose. It can hurt. It will hurt, & the only way to deal with it is one day at a time. Get out of the house. Long walks help. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2014, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/119 "2014-11-30T01:21:59Z")
**Baker** , it gets easier. The fact that you loved him means you will always feel some sorrow for the loss. My dad died 8 years ago and I still miss him dearly. He was a very good man and meant more to me than I ever told him. I wish I could go back in time and tell him how much he meant to me, but I can’t. Time takes care of it eventually, but you’d be a robot if you didn’t feel the way you feel. Take care. I know exactly how you feel. Hugs. ---
**Author:** ![johnpost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f17d59/32.png) [@johnpost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/johnpost)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2014, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/120 "2014-11-30T02:50:12Z")
> [@Baker](#): > > Sorry to bump this, but I need some help. > > Please, tell me it stops hurting some day. > > … > > So sorry to belike this, forgive me. it gets less but it will still happen. types of books, events or conversations that you had will all trigger memories. it’s inevitable, you developed from all of that. having some sadness is likely too. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397.md?page=7)