# My father has died, long, sorry

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397>\
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\
**Created:** [September 13, 2014, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397 "2014-09-13T17:17:40Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 10\
**Page:** 7

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**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\
**Post date:** [November 30, 2014, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/121 "2014-11-30T02:59:27Z")

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Yes, it gets better.  
My Wife and I dated in 1982, some ten years after my Father died, went our separate ways and married three years ago. She finally felt safe in telling me how crazy I acted about his death.

I was nuts for a while. Now I have a renewed interest in WWII airplanes he worked on, and wish I had asked him questions about them. Now I am only sad, not psychotic. 🙂

It took me about twenty years, but it got better.

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**Author:** ![usedtobe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ec9cab/32.png) [@usedtobe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/usedtobe)\
**Post date:** [November 30, 2014, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/122 "2014-11-30T04:01:51Z")

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TTT

Things take time.

Yes, the pain will go away, and you’ll be able to pass places Dad used to frequent and think NOT about how much you miss him, but how much he enjoyed that place.

Both my parents died about 10 months apart - I racked up quite a few frequent flyer points that year. It does get easier, but not overnight - especially when you had no warning.  
Hold onto the fond memories, but know they belong to the past now.

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**Author:** ![Digital\_is\_the\_new\_Analog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a88e4f/32.png) [@Digital\_is\_the\_new\_Analog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Digital_is_the_new_Analog)\
**Post date:** [November 30, 2014, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/123 "2014-11-30T04:05:02Z")

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> [@Baker](#):
>
> Who do I go to? My mom hurts worse than anyone. My sisters hurt too. Anyone I call to whine to would just end up feeling depressed too. Hell, I feel guilty moaning to you folks. Maybe I should ask for help from my priest, he’s heard it all before I’m sure.
> 
> So sorry to belike this, forgive me.

I’ll tell you the same thing I told a good friend of mine when he was depressed and needed support - “We’re your friends, and we’re here for you. Especially now.”  
This is when you lean on your friends. Your neighbors. Your priest, as you suggest. Us.  
This is your support system. Use them…or us…even if only talk. We’re good listeners.

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**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\
**Post date:** [November 30, 2014, 12:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/124 "2014-11-30T12:32:24Z")

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I said my father died 15 years ago, but it’s been just about 16 years now since he had the aneurysm that did him in. He had it right about now in 1998, during the weekend following Thanksgiving, so as much as I love Thanksgiving, it’s still wrapped up with what happened to my father. Sudden too, he’d been healthy as could be for a 69-year-old man. It had been my mother who’d had all the health problems. The aneurysm was sudden, but after that, we knew he would die soon, and he did five months later, but it wasn’t a shock by that point.

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**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\
**Post date:** [December 1, 2014, 7:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/125 "2014-12-01T07:38:00Z")

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After my son died, I thought it would never get better. It does, though, with time.

I think a lot of people expect the “grief process” to be a simple checklist and you’re all better a week later, but it doesn’t work that way.

I’m really sorry. You’re in our thoughts.

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**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\
**Post date:** [December 1, 2014, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/126 "2014-12-01T15:51:53Z")

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I’m sorry, **Baker**.

It does get better, but I don’t think anybody’s on a particular timetable.

I lost my dad last year (on Christmas Day) after finding out he had cancer early in the same month. I lost my mom two years before that, the same way–one day her friends called to let me know she was sick, several days later she was gone (and we’d spoken fairly recently, too).

I still get twinges out of the blue–when somebody mentions something they’re doing with their parents, when I see something I think my mom or dad would have liked–and sometimes I’ll just tear up right there in my chair.

Like everyone else said–talk to us if you don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone else. I’m thinking about you.

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**Author:** ![Grrlbrarian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrlbrarian/32/4048_2.png) [@Grrlbrarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrlbrarian)\
**Post date:** [December 1, 2014, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/127 "2014-12-01T18:56:36Z")

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So sorry, **Baker**. ☹

Those sudden moments of grief are the emotional equivalent to a low tackle to the back of the knees: they drop you in no time. Very hard.

I find it does help to visit the grave sometimes - if you have a grave to visit - and if you don’t, to go to a place that you set aside to sit and remember your dad. Maybe you talk out loud to him, or bring 2 beers for the both of you and drink yours and his, or whatever. That can be useful. Most of all, it’s a good time to be gentle with yourself, because it HURTS.

Hang in there, girl. {{{hugs}}}

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**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\
**Post date:** [December 5, 2014, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/128 "2014-12-05T15:55:30Z")

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Forty two years later, I still think of asking him things about a WWII model airplane, but it no longer makes me weep.

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**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\
**Post date:** [December 5, 2014, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/129 "2014-12-05T16:14:11Z")

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I’m sorry. Here’s a wish for peace for you.

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**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\
**Post date:** [December 5, 2014, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-father-has-died-long-sorry/698397/130 "2014-12-05T19:13:38Z")

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> [@Siam\_Sam](#):
>
> I said my father died 15 years ago, but it’s been just about 16 years now since he had the aneurysm that did him in. He had it right about now in 1998, during the weekend following Thanksgiving, so as much as I love Thanksgiving, it’s still wrapped up with what happened to my father. Sudden too, he’d been healthy as could be for a 69-year-old man. It had been my mother who’d had all the health problems. The aneurysm was sudden, but after that, we knew he would die soon, and he did five months later, but it wasn’t a shock by that point.

That’s sort of what it was like with Mom. She hadn’t been “Mom” for about four years when she died Labor Day weekend, 2010. I think the Alzheimer’s made her forget how to breathe.

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