# My Fiancee lied to me. Now what? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 29, 2002, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-fiancee-lied-to-me-now-what/111331 "2002-05-29T12:19:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Damascene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e19adc/32.png) [@Damascene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Damascene)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-fiancee-lied-to-me-now-what/111331/1 "2002-05-29T12:19:06Z")
Fellow Dopers, I need your help concerning a bit of a moral quandry I’m in. My fiancee and I have been engaged since October 2000 and we currently live in different countries. The big day is planned for April 2003 (long engagement, I know). While international calls are expensive, we call each other about once or twice a week, but we mostly keep in touch through email. Once in a while we send each other fairly explicit messages about what we’d like to do to each other and fantasies that we share - you know the sort of thing… Anyhoo, the last short story she’d sent me made me a bit suspicious. Her spelling and grammar are usually quite haphazard, and this story could easily have been written by a published author. The other thing is that she seemed to have written it very quickly - normally it takes a long time to come up with a fantasy and describe it in detail in the form of a short story. I asked her if she’s written it herself and she said yes. I said I loved it and that I couldn’t wait to see her again. I still had my doubts, however, so I pasted a couple of the sentences into Google and got an exact match. My finacee had basically gone to an erotic literature site for couples and lifted an entire story, then sent it to me claiming it was all her own. Now here’s my dilemma - I feel pretty low for not trusting her in the first place, but I’m also pretty disappointed that she’d lied, especially as there was no need. I know she was pretty busy at the time and probably didn’t have the time to write something herself, but she could have just said so. Maybe she just didn’t wan’t to dissapoint me, but I would rather have waited for something of hers than be lied to about something so intimate. All of the stories I’ve sent her have been my own work. I’ve put a lot of time and effort into writing something that was fun and sexy, something we could both share, something that was our little secret. So what do I do? Do I confront her about it and tell her I know that she lied? Or do I let it pass and hope she won’t lie again in the future about something more important? I don’t want her to know I didn’t trust her and actually checked up on her, but at the same time, I don’t want this to set a precedent and have her think that she can do this again whenever she wants. So what do I do? ---
**Author:** ![Crusoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/49beb7/32.png) [@Crusoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crusoe)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 12:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-fiancee-lied-to-me-now-what/111331/2 "2002-05-29T12:26:06Z")
Let it go. You gave a good reason right here: > [@](#): > > I know she was pretty busy at the time and probably didn’t have the time to write something herself, but she could have just said so. Maybe she just didn’t wan’t to dissapoint me, but I would rather have waited for something of hers than be lied to about something so intimate. It sounds as though she didn’t want to let you down. That’s a good thing. A lie isn’t necessarily a bad thing, only when it’s intended to hurt someone. Bringing this up may embarrass her or make her feel that she’s let you down – or even make her think that you doubt her. Don’t say anything. Be happy that she wanted to make you happy even when she didn’t have the time. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-fiancee-lied-to-me-now-what/111331/3 "2002-05-29T12:48:42Z")
Geez, whaddya want!!! She goes to the effort of finding something nice and cheeky to say to you, and you complain that they’re not her own words? And THEN you’re worried because she LIED to you??? How would you have felt if she’d said…“No you ungrateful sod, I was feeling particularly uncreative and thought I’d feed you some pap I googled.” Would you be happy then? Fer’ chrissakes grow up. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 12:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-fiancee-lied-to-me-now-what/111331/4 "2002-05-29T12:53:12Z")
I think I agree wiht Crusoe, though it is a heck of a situation. One thing I would do is mention that you don’t really like this one as much: say you like the more hurried “less polished” ones that she wrote before better. This will reassure her. The other thing you need to consider is that she may not enjoy writing these things as much as you do: she may very well think that this is “your thing” that she humors you on. If right now you have a “tit-for-tat” system where you write on and then she owes you one, and you only write another after she writes it, tt might be a good idea to switch a more free-form approach: tell her she doesn’t have ot write one every time you do, just whenever she feels like it, and you will right them for her whenever you feel like it. For something like this, there is no point in being “fair” and writing equal numbers of them. Give her the freedom to not write them at all if she dosen’t want to. You should be writing yours because you want to and it gives you pleasure, and not in order to get fanatasies from her. ---
**Author:** ![Venoma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/c4cdca/32.png) [@Venoma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Venoma)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-fiancee-lied-to-me-now-what/111331/5 "2002-05-29T12:55:17Z")
I would bring it up, and just let her know that you’re not mad at her for not writing a story, that if she enjoyed it you’re glad she shared it with you (assuming you feel that way) However, obviously you are pissed off at her for lying. I am in a similar situation and have gotten pissed off because he lied to me about something similarly trivial. When you start lying about small things and pass them off as unimportant, it starts becoming easier to lie about big ones. Do. Not. Lie. to your partner, especially about something so stupidly trivial. ---
**Author:** ![Spritle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Spritle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spritle)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-fiancee-lied-to-me-now-what/111331/6 "2002-05-29T13:00:37Z")
As usual, I agree with **Manda JO**. I think she see’s this as “homework” and may soon regret “having” to do it. Take a break for a while. ---
**Author:** ![Damascene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e19adc/32.png) [@Damascene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Damascene)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-fiancee-lied-to-me-now-what/111331/7 "2002-05-29T13:14:52Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by kambuckta \* > \*\*Geez, whaddya want!!! She goes to the effort of finding something nice and cheeky to say to you, and you complain that they’re not her own words? > > And THEN you’re worried because she LIED to you??? > > How would you have felt if she’d said…“No you ungrateful sod, I was feeling particularly uncreative and thought I’d feed you some pap I googled.” > > Would you be happy then? > > Fer’ chrissakes grow up. \*\* **kambuckta** - My point is that she _didn’t_ make any effort, she just cut and pasted someone else’s story. Actually my point is that she flat-out lied to my face when I asked her. It’s like **Venoma** says, she lied to me about something trivial > [@](#): > > When you start lying about small things and pass them off as unimportant, it starts becoming easier to lie about big ones That’s exactly what I’m worried about - that she’ll start lying about the important stuff too. Anyway, I think I will let this one slide. Although it started off as mutual titillation, perhaps she has started to see it as “homework”. I’ll give it a rest for a while and focus more on the important stuff… ---
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-fiancee-lied-to-me-now-what/111331/8 "2002-05-29T13:49:05Z")
You’re on a computer. I would just suggest you check out microsoft netmeeting or other ways you and your love muffin can talk on a more regular basis without busting the bank. I’ve been in long distance relationships before, and it is tough to keep in touch. ---
**Author:** ![Tiburon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e36b37/32.png) [@Tiburon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tiburon)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-fiancee-lied-to-me-now-what/111331/9 "2002-05-29T17:11:06Z")
I think I’m with Manda JO, as well. I think that if you tell her you liked the other stories more, she’s probably going to get that you figured out it wasn’t hers. You know? She’ll probably feel very crummy that you know and will be embarrassed. Probably nothing needs to be said. It’s very disappointing when someone lies. I hope it does not happen again. Tibs. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-fiancee-lied-to-me-now-what/111331/10 "2002-05-29T17:21:02Z")
Me and Mrs. Z did the trading stories for a while and it can definetly lead to an ‘assingnment-erotic’ feeling. You start thinking that this new story has to top the last one and you start to worry about it, and that kills the erotic feeling. I would suggest never ‘demand’ a story. Let her know that she doesn’t have to send you a story. Always finds something to praise about what she writes to you. I was thinking don’t you and she ‘star’ in your stories. Was she _in_ the story by the other writer? That would be something to worry about. ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-fiancee-lied-to-me-now-what/111331/11 "2002-05-29T17:39:15Z")
If plagiarism is the worst bump you hit in this relationship, you are one incredibly lucky motherfucker. ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-fiancee-lied-to-me-now-what/111331/12 "2002-05-29T19:36:13Z")
I vote for “let it go.” It’s not like she was lying about something _important,_ after all. A key ingredient to a good relationship is knowing when to shut your mouth. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Torus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bcef8e/32.png) [@Torus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Torus)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-fiancee-lied-to-me-now-what/111331/13 "2002-05-29T19:49:21Z")
I’m definitely in the camp that says to let this pass. I mean you were writing each other fiction in the first place. You’re making up stories to tease each other. She just made up the part about writing the made up story. It’s a much better story that way. Of course I’ve never been lied to by a girlfriend, and they all said I was the best they’d ever had. ---
**Author:** ![wring](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/838e76/32.png) [@wring](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wring)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-fiancee-lied-to-me-now-what/111331/14 "2002-05-29T19:53:41Z")
another ‘let it go’. You mention that her writing in the past has had spelling errors, etc. Perhaps she’s not sure of her own abilities etc. For some one who doesn’t much like to write this whole thing can be quite the stressor. Is it possible, too, that she feels inferior to your writing abilities etc? OTOH - for you to seemingly be thinking of breaking up w/her because she lied to you about something as trivial as this (did you make this cheesecake yourself? why of course I did, it’s a , um, er, _French_ cheesecake), are you looking for a reason to break up? Seriously, - when I saw the title, I thought she’d lied about something like being w/some one else, number of kids she had or something major. ---
**Author:** ![robinh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b77776/32.png) [@robinh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robinh)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-fiancee-lied-to-me-now-what/111331/15 "2002-05-30T02:40:38Z")
I’ll join the **MandaJo** fan club… Really, what did your fiancee do? She plaigerized in order (I think it’s fair to assume) to please you. I get the sense that you enjoy writing your stories as much as you enjoy reading hers. It is quite possible that it is much more difficult for her to write them. While it would have been better (and more honest) for her to beg off, women very often have a strong need/desire to please our partners, even to the point of placing others’ needs above our own. Sometimes (often, perhaps), that backfires. I will strongly suggest that you let this slide. Encourage her to take care of herself and to write this fiction only if/when _she_ wants to. Ask permission to write as often as you want (with the explicit understanding that you don’t expect her to be as prolific) and let the communication between you grow. ---
**Author:** ![Damascene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e19adc/32.png) [@Damascene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Damascene)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-fiancee-lied-to-me-now-what/111331/16 "2002-05-30T12:14:04Z")
Wow! thanks a lot for all the feedback guys. I knew I could count on you all for some sensible and objective points of view. I think all of you in the **MandaJo** camp are right; I’ll let this one slide, because at the end of the day she was trying to keep me happy. And no, I wasn’t looking for an excuse to break up - especially not over something so trivial. My Fiancee is the very best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I would never dream of letting her go. I am indeed a very lucky guy. I guess my main problem is that being in a long-distance relationship amplifies all those little worries into big ones. Being so far apart means that you just can’t sit down together and talk about the everyday stuff that goes through your mind. I can’t watch the smile on her face when I tell her about my raise, I can’t give her a hug when she’s feeling stressed or low. Yes, phone calls and emails and chat rooms help a bit, but there’s just no substitute for being there. Sorry for the rambling, there, but my point is that long-distance relationships suck, and long-distance engagements both suck _and_ blow. I wish we could just hurry up and get married start living our lives together… Thanks again for the reality-check guys ---
**Author:** ![Gorgon\_Heap](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f475e1/32.png) [@Gorgon\_Heap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorgon_Heap)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-fiancee-lied-to-me-now-what/111331/17 "2002-05-30T12:41:08Z")
Actually, I completely agree with **Snooooopy**. This is one of those things that, if my wife had done to me, I would simply called her out and made fun of her. Probably would have gone ot some idiotic Star Wars fan site or something and sent her moronic fanboy dialogue as my next “story”. This is _so_ nothing to get worried about. Here I was thinking you found out it was actually written by her live-in hunkish boyfriend or something. Jeez. :rolleyes ---
**Author:** ![Pommyaussie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/45deac/32.png) [@Pommyaussie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pommyaussie)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-fiancee-lied-to-me-now-what/111331/18 "2002-05-30T13:36:20Z")
Damascene - I thinkyou guys need to look at investing in a couple of web cams! Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-fiancee-lied-to-me-now-what/111331/19 "2002-05-30T13:40:54Z")
I go with **Gorgon Heap** and **Snoooopy**. Make fun, not war (then make love not war if you’re lucky). ---
**Author:** ![MovieMogul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f08c70/32.png) [@MovieMogul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MovieMogul)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-fiancee-lied-to-me-now-what/111331/20 "2002-05-30T19:15:24Z")
Tell her you wrote a sonnet just for her and then send in one of Shakespeare’s 😃 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-fiancee-lied-to-me-now-what/111331.md?page=2)