# My first poem. Criticism please **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** poetry\ **Created:** [November 9, 2022, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-poem-criticism-please/974661 "2022-11-09T18:33:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![scudsucker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scudsucker/32/14101_2.png) [@scudsucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scudsucker)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2022, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-poem-criticism-please/974661/1 "2022-11-09T18:33:48Z")
I’m not an Emo kid, I am just some guy going through divorce at age 46. I have never written a poem before; and if I could have this would be a sonnet in iambic pentameter, my favourite verse form. But anyway, free-form > [@](#): > > I ate something today. > Not much, but hey - > I could have got drunk instead, > To clear the noises in my head. > I ate something today. > Is that the pain going away? > We all must eat, from time to time, > But food without love > Is not by itself enough. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2022, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-poem-criticism-please/974661/2 "2022-11-09T18:43:19Z")
Tis a good poem for a first-timer Pretty fine job for a beginner rhymer Don’t feel bad about your divorce Sometimes life has to run its course ---
**Author:** ![Mikemike2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mikemike2/32/305_2.png) [@Mikemike2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mikemike2)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2022, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-poem-criticism-please/974661/3 "2022-11-09T18:43:51Z")
I like it. Hopefully writing it was a bit cathartic. I had a divorce 25 or so years ago. Not a good time. Got through it. Have been happily married for more than 2 decades since. So best wishes to you. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Mikemike2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mikemike2/32/305_2.png) [@Mikemike2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mikemike2)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2022, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-poem-criticism-please/974661/4 "2022-11-09T18:45:28Z")
Nice 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Jasmine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jasmine/32/2964_2.png) [@Jasmine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jasmine)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2022, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-poem-criticism-please/974661/5 "2022-11-09T18:58:34Z")
I liked it! 🙂 Granted, that’s not a “critical” comment, but how many people who would read it are actually poetry critics? Not many, I bet. ---
**Author:** ![scudsucker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scudsucker/32/14101_2.png) [@scudsucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scudsucker)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2022, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-poem-criticism-please/974661/6 "2022-11-09T19:00:34Z")
I’m not entirely sure why I am sharing this on social media, but I also shared my first Python program on Stack Overflow so I could just be an over-sharer ---
**Author:** ![scudsucker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scudsucker/32/14101_2.png) [@scudsucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scudsucker)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2022, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-poem-criticism-please/974661/7 "2022-11-09T19:03:35Z")
I’m more concerned with cadence and rhythm; and not certain that “love” and “enough” are suitable half-rhymes ---
**Author:** ![Jasmine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jasmine/32/2964_2.png) [@Jasmine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jasmine)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2022, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-poem-criticism-please/974661/8 "2022-11-09T19:07:11Z")
I would substitute, “is not alone enough” in place of, “is not by itself enough”. ---
**Author:** ![scudsucker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scudsucker/32/14101_2.png) [@scudsucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scudsucker)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2022, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-poem-criticism-please/974661/9 "2022-11-09T19:10:39Z")
Probably yes, it flows better. Thanks ---
**Author:** ![scudsucker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scudsucker/32/14101_2.png) [@scudsucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scudsucker)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2022, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-poem-criticism-please/974661/10 "2022-11-09T19:22:41Z")
If the premise is not clear, one of the symptoms of severe depression is loss of appetite. ---
**Author:** ![scudsucker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scudsucker/32/14101_2.png) [@scudsucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scudsucker)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2022, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-poem-criticism-please/974661/11 "2022-11-09T19:34:44Z")
I think, perhaps, due to the syllables, “It is not itself enough” which has better poetic value. But thank you for your suggestion, it made me rethink the whole thing. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2022, 11:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-poem-criticism-please/974661/12 "2022-11-10T11:13:28Z")
Nothing wrong with free-form, and nobody writes perfect sonnets right out of the starting block. As a first poem it’s a good effort - it won’t take the poetry world by storm, but it gets the point across well. The important questions to ask yourself: 1. Do you like it? 2. Does it convey the meaning or emotion that you want it to in the way you want it to? 3. When you read it out loud, does it sound the way you want it to? 4. Are there any words or phrases that you think could be replaced by ones you like better or convey your meaning/emotion better? 5. Do you _want_ to change it in any way, or was the act of writing it the important part? 6. Now that you’ve written one, why not try writing another one? As an amateur poet myself, I find writing poetry can be cathartic, validating, distracting and/or just plain fun. I could pass on some advice on how to improve one’s poetry writing but honestly, it seems to me that your main priority here and now is to find a constructive outlet for some deeply horrible feelings you’re understandably experiencing. As such, my advice is: write what helps you, and don’t worry about whether others think it’s good or not. And remember to take care of yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2022, 11:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-poem-criticism-please/974661/13 "2022-11-10T11:24:34Z")
For those of you that _do_ want some advice on improving your poetry and “finding your voice” from a writing perspective, the best advice I’ve read is this, from Billy Collins (via Austin Kleon): > **[How to find your voice - Austin Kleon](https://austinkleon.com/2015/12/10/how-to-find-your-voice/)** > > Billy Collins on how your voice is found externally, not internally. ---
**Author:** ![scudsucker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scudsucker/32/14101_2.png) [@scudsucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scudsucker)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2022, 12:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-poem-criticism-please/974661/14 "2022-11-10T12:32:59Z")
> [@Gyrate](#): > > The important questions to ask yourself: Thank you. To me it sounds good, except that troublesome last line. > [@Gyrate](#): > > For those of you that _do_ want some advice And for this too. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2022, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-poem-criticism-please/974661/15 "2022-11-10T12:37:51Z")
Glad to help. Hang in there. ---
**Author:** ![scudsucker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scudsucker/32/14101_2.png) [@scudsucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scudsucker)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2022, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-poem-criticism-please/974661/16 "2022-11-10T13:26:19Z")
I think this is the final form, assisted by a beer I ate something today. Not much, but hey - I could have got drunk instead, Clear the noises in my head. I ate something today. Is that the pain going away? We all must eat, from time to time, But food without love, Is not near close enough. I’ll credit @Gyrate when I get the Nobel Prize for Literature… ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2022, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-poem-criticism-please/974661/17 "2022-11-10T13:57:09Z")
Ha! Nice. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2022, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-poem-criticism-please/974661/18 "2022-11-10T15:10:06Z")
Scansion as I read it: u / /u u/ u/ u/ u/ uu / u/ / u/ u/ u/ u/ u/ /u u/ u/ u/ u/ u/ u/ uu / u/ u/ u/ Rhyming poems (in my opinion) are better when they scan. You have a poem that is mostly iambic tetrameter. It’s totally okay to mix it up and reverse the unstressed-stressed iambs with stressed-unstressed trochees, but doing so calls attention to that foot, and it works best when you do it deliberately. This version regularizes the meter, just so you have a basis for comparison. I ate some food alone today Not much, not good, not hers, but hey— I could have got quite drunk instead To clear the noises in my head But still I ate some food today Is that the pain going away [← “going” is a trochee to signal the shift in tone] We all must eat, from time to time [no rhyme for this, which I think is good: really communicates something being unspoken] And eating food but without love Is just not nearly close enough My opinion is entirely based on poems that rhyme & scan. If you want a free-verse poem that happens to rhyme, ignore scansion and me! And condolences on the situation. ---
**Author:** ![scudsucker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scudsucker/32/14101_2.png) [@scudsucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scudsucker)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2022, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-poem-criticism-please/974661/19 "2022-11-10T17:38:34Z")
I quite like your adaption, but I was aiming for minimalism. I studied Thom Gunn at school, and after John Donne’s sonnets (which I also studied) he’s probably second favourite. I kind of wanted to emulate his spare style while keeping some traditional rhyme. ---
**Author:** ![Pleonast](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pleonast/32/1183_2.png) [@Pleonast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pleonast)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2022, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-poem-criticism-please/974661/20 "2022-11-10T17:50:25Z")
> [@scudsucker](#): > > 1       I ate something today. > 2       Not much, but hey - > 3       I could have got drunk instead, > 4       Clear the noises in my head. > 5       I ate something today. > 6       Is that the pain going away? > 7       We all must eat, from time to time, > 8       But food without love, > 9       Is not near close enough. (line numbers added) I feel it’s missing a verse between lines 4 and 5. That is, another “I ate something today”, a line rhyming it, then another couplet. Maybe even two verses in there. The additional verses in the same pattern would establish the beat, that then pays off with the last verse that breaks it. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-poem-criticism-please/974661.md?page=2)