# My first year at The Home with a question about living in community **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 21, 2024, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-year-at-the-home-with-a-question-about-living-in-community/1006010 "2024-08-21T19:09:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 1\ **Showing post:** 44
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2024, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-year-at-the-home-with-a-question-about-living-in-community/1006010/44 "2024-08-30T15:30:26Z")
> [@aceplace57](#): > > I know weekly exercise is mentioned in the OP. I do my 5,000 steps at least 6 days per week without fail. I listen to audiobooks and that makes it fun and interesting. * * * @puzzlegal quoted me indirectly: > [@ThelmaLou](#): > > The hardest thing for me-- **and it’s not just here, it’s in the world in general** – is that I can’t find people who will have deep conversations about intellectual subjects. I added the bolding. It’s everywhere. Finding intelligent, articulate, well-read, thoughtful people to talk to is an ongoing, lifelong problem for most of us. Not just at The Home. I have found a couple of people here, and occasionally a deeper convo will develop with several people. But you have to seek this out, whatever your living circumstances. See my footnote at the bottom of this reply. > [@puzzlegal](#): > > Assisted living is tough, as a decent fraction of the people are there due to mild dementia. Assisted Living and Independent Living are two different animals. Here in Independent Living, we are, well, _independent._ There’s no medical care and everyone is compos mentis enough to live alone, which is what we do in our own apartments (just like any apartment complex). Assisted Living means help from another person with some basic life tasks, like dressing, bathing, moving around, walking, transferring to wheelchair or shower bench. AND it often includes support for mental deficiencies like confusion, getting lost in the building, walking off the premises and getting lost, etc. My mother was in assisted living (with the same organization where I now live, but-- obviously-- at a different property). @puzzlegal Has your friend found a suitable living arrangement yet? * * * > [@aceplace57](#): > > Staying home and using home health is a popular option. But the social isolation can be overwhelming. I think this is a mistake, unless you have lots friends or family who visit. Seeing one caregiver a few times a week isn’t enough social contact. The isolation is a killer. The idea of staying in your own home is appealing, but the reality of dealing with the upkeep, chores, maintenance, and just _stuff_ is challenging when you’re _young and in your prime_ and daunting when you’re past that point. More on that in a bit. * * * > [@Al128](#): > > if given (miraculously) the chance to go back to your former living arrangement or staying where you are right now … which would you choose (and why) … I saved your question for last because it is positively brilliant, and I thank you for it. At breakfast this morning I sat with my closest friend here and we talked about this. She would absolutely not go back. In fact, after losing her partner of 27 years five years ago, she realized that the isolation was killing her and she pro-actively and voluntarily moved herself here one year ago almost to the day. She loves it and wouldn’t change a thing. I moved here against my will one year ago almost to the day. And although I do like The Home, I’m still angry and resentful about the circumstances of the move. Your question has caused me to reflect… _Would I go back…?_ No, I wouldn’t. I have to admit that. This is a better place for me to be. And, unlike my neighbor, I wouldn’t have done this on my own. I needed to be made to do it virtually at gunpoint. I moved to my former address after living waaaay out in the country for 20 years-- 45 minutes south of town. Lived there eight years with my late husband and after he died, then 12 years alone. Talk about isolation! I worked in town three days per week, but was on my own the rest of the time. And you really do have to WORK at creating your own in-person social life. I have no kids, no siblings, no family at all. Yeah, friends, but they had family obligations and commitments, which always took precedence. I had a ladies lunch group and a book club, but those were only once a month. I moved into town in 2012 and found that not much changed regarding my social life. I was in a friendly neighborhood, and at least I wasn’t spending a fortune on gas and putting 50K+ miles on the car every year. I’m an introvert, so maybe that’s why creating a modest social life didn’t come easily to me. \<_shrug_\> But the life I thought would materialize didn’t happen. I dunno. Here, I can socialize, chat, eat with people in the dining room _if I want to_ and isolate _if I want to._ I do both on different days. But I have the options. This is a friendly community, which I am free to take or leave depending on my mood. I’m safer here and my cats are safer. If (When) something happens to me, there are people who will help, including feeding my cats or finding homes for them if – you know. There is a safety net here that I didn’t have at the house. Financially, it makes sense. I’m not going to be kicked out by a landlord. An upside is that there are always people around, and a downside is that _there are always people around_, but all in all, it’s a better place to be than where I was. I’ve told people that one of the hardest things about moving here is acknowledging to yourself that at your age, this is the right place for you. Many of us have admitted that this is likely going to be our last address. That’s hard. “Do not go gentle”…etc. So no, I wouldn’t go back. Your question has really helped bring me some peace. Thank you so much. * * * FOOTNOTE: Apropos of finding a retirement home where there would be interesting people to talk to, I started this fun thread in 2015 little realizing that eight years later I’d be moving into The Home: > [@The Old Dopers Retirement Home](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/the-old-dopers-retirement-home/725101): > > Spinning off from the thread about being sick and living alone… I think Cecil Adams and the Straight Dope organization should open a retirement facility for Old Dopers. It could be run as a non-profit or a co-op. Think of how great it would be to be guaranteed great conversation any time, games, recipes, people to rant to/with, humor, movie nights, field trips…what a fine crew to spend your golden years with! The care standards would have to be high, because we’re a smart and picky bunch. Mayb… --- _[View the full topic](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-first-year-at-the-home-with-a-question-about-living-in-community/1006010)._