# My friend is cheating. Advice? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 1, 2019, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998 "2019-08-01T14:30:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/21 "2019-08-01T15:56:19Z")
> [@MrDibble](#): > > I have to ask - is the son handicapped in some way? Because he’s fucking _seventeen_ - why does he need his mother? I thought that, too. It made me wonder if there’s a lot more to this story. Also, **kayaker** , why is the young woman the “homewrecker”? If Jim’s cheating, he’s the one with the family and is the homewrecker. I agree with staying out of it. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/22 "2019-08-01T15:56:45Z")
> [@MrDibble](#): > > I have to ask - is the son handicapped in some way? Because he’s fucking _seventeen_ - why does he need his mother? Not handicapped, he’s a really smart kid, but has recently gotten into the kind of trouble kids get into. Jim & Sue are a bit strict as parents, but the kid has given them (small) reason to be concerned. He’s leaving for college soon, so that will improve. > [@Calatin](#): > > At this point, despite the number of people who are telling you that you should stay out of it, it seems like you’re looking for the one person who tells you that you should get involved. My gf and I _love_ Jim & Sue. I’m just hoping some miraculous suggestion comes up that I can then discuss with our two other friends. I _will not_ be getting involved, as I am Mr MYOB. ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/23 "2019-08-01T15:58:02Z")
Meanwhile, Jim continues sleeping in his own room on the other end of the motel. But how can he tell the guys they both snore like hibernating bears? They would be so embarrassed … ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/24 "2019-08-01T15:58:47Z")
> [@Helena330](#): > > Also, **kayaker** , why is the young woman the “homewrecker”? If Jim’s cheating, he’s the one with the family and is the homewrecker. Artistic license. The other two band-mates described her “hunting” Jim, with Jim at first just treating her the same as any other fan. She persisted. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/25 "2019-08-01T15:59:51Z")
> [@MrDibble](#): > > Meanwhile, Jim continues sleeping in his own room on the other end of the motel. But how can he tell the guys they both snore like hibernating bears? They would be so embarrassed … No, they know what’s going on. The day after the show, during the drive home, he acts embarrassed, etc. ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/26 "2019-08-01T16:00:01Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Not handicapped, he’s a really smart kid, but has recently gotten into the kind of trouble kids get into. Jim & Sue are a bit strict as parents, but the kid has given them (small) reason to be concerned. He’s leaving for college soon, so that will improve. _Narrator: It did not improve._ Errm, do they think sending a troubled kid to an unsupervised dorm living situation is going to _improve_ things? Or did you mean for them, only? ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/27 "2019-08-01T16:08:41Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Artistic license. The other two band-mates described her “hunting” Jim, with Jim at first just treating her the same as any other fan. She persisted. It’s still on him. She’s a groupie. He’s a husband and father. ---
**Author:** ![Sunny\_Daze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunny_daze/32/438_2.png) [@Sunny\_Daze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunny_Daze)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/28 "2019-08-01T16:10:56Z")
At this point, unless you’re willing to talk to Jim, I don’t see much you can do. You don’t have any direct knowledge about this. If you do at some point, then you can talk to him (and/or to her). ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/29 "2019-08-01T16:13:32Z")
> [@MrDibble](#): > > _Narrator: It did not improve._ > Errm, do they think sending a troubled kid to an unsupervised dorm living situation is going to _improve_ things? Or did you mean for them, only? Whoa, kid isn’t troubled! I think the parents maybe hover a bit too much and that on his own he will be fine. By “improve” I meant the kid’s situation. > [@Helena330](#): > > It’s still on him. She’s a groupie. He’s a husband and father. I realize it is on him. Being a good friend, I’d like to shift some blame to the 22 year old who is chasing him. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/30 "2019-08-01T16:15:13Z")
> [@Sunny\_Daze](#): > > At this point, unless you’re willing to talk to Jim, I don’t see much you can do. You don’t have any direct knowledge about this. If you do at some point, then you can talk to him (and/or to her). I totally agree; I’m just grasping at straws. I cannot talk to Jim or Sue because I promised the band-mates I wouldn’t reveal that they spoke with me about this. ---
**Author:** ![bobot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bobot/32/21622_2.png) [@bobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobot)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/31 "2019-08-01T16:19:12Z")
You can dig into the psychology of why they bothered to drag you in… That’s unfair if they don’t want you to do something. ---
**Author:** ![Snarky\_Kong](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a183cd/32.png) [@Snarky\_Kong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snarky_Kong)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/32 "2019-08-01T16:31:31Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > I totally agree; I’m just grasping at straws. > > I cannot talk to Jim or Sue because I promised the band-mates I wouldn’t reveal that they spoke with me about this. So you won’t talk to the people involved, but still want to do something as opposed to nothing? You want advice on what to do. What other options do you think there are, kidnap the groupie? ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/33 "2019-08-01T16:33:36Z")
Here’s a suggestion - encourage Jim to switch to bluegrass. I can assure you, groupies are rarely an issue! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/34 "2019-08-01T16:34:18Z")
This is not the band members’ business and it certainly isn’t your business. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/35 "2019-08-01T16:37:02Z")
> [@bobot](#): > > You can dig into the psychology of why they bothered to drag you in… > That’s unfair if they don’t want you to do something. They feel powerless/sad/impotent in the situation and were hoping I’d have some great idea. Same reason I started this thread, really. > [@Snarky\_Kong](#): > > So you won’t talk to the people involved, but still want to do something as opposed to nothing? You want advice on what to do. What other options do you think there are, kidnap the groupie? I hear ya. I was hoping someone would tell about the time they were in a similar situation, so they put an ad in the local paper…if you like piña coladas… ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/36 "2019-08-01T16:37:38Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Suggestions? It is a really sad situation. When I told my gf about it she actually shed some tears. Don’t. Get. Involved. You are not directly involved in any of this drama. All you have is hearsay, and even if it’s from people you trust it’s likely they don’t have the whole story and you _certainly_ don’t have the whole story. Nothing you could say or do would have a positive effect, but it sure as hell could have a negative one. Don’t. Get. Involved. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/37 "2019-08-01T16:41:18Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > Here’s a suggestion - encourage Jim to switch to bluegrass. I can assure you, groupies are rarely an issue! 😃 😃 Now I feel silly. There’s a local bluegrass band that we like and follow. > [@Acsenray](#): > > This is not the band members’ business and it certainly isn’t your business. Agree, not my business, but inn a way it is the band’s business. They are a 3 piece band that is currently enjoying some measure of success. They see the likelihood that the current situation will tear the band apart.☹ ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/38 "2019-08-01T16:42:27Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > Don’t. Get. Involved. I will not (indeed can not). Guess I want a “go back in time” option. ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/39 "2019-08-01T16:54:40Z")
Ok, a little unconventional, but hear me out here… What if you go to Jim and tell him that you met some girl half your age that is really into you? You still love your girlfriend and all, but, come on, this girl is only 22! See how he reacts. Does he approve of your thoughts? Does he immediately recognize that you would be making a huge mistake? Maybe you can gauge his reaction that way? (Of course, you want to end the conversation by making it clear that you were just joking…otherwise, what if he tells your girlfriend that he’s thinking that you are cheating on her while you secretly suspect that he is the cheater, even though everybody is actually on the up and up? Now you have a sitcom episode on your hands.) ---
**Author:** ![asahi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asahi/32/8693_2.png) [@asahi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asahi)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/40 "2019-08-01T16:55:07Z")
I would say don’t get involved, but guess what…you’re involved. You didn’t choose to get involved, but your band members approached you. They didn’t choose to get involved in Jim’s private life, but Jim made it obvious that he’s recklessly jeopardizing his family life, and he made it so obvious that they couldn’t help but notice. The question now is how much more involved do you all want to be? I see no harm in not asking questions and minding your own business, but there may come a point where you end up seeing it play out right in front of you. I suspect in time you all will. Affairs often get pretty far out of hand, usually because one or both just let their guard down. So then what? Do you all lie by omission to cover his ass? Keep in mind he’s the one putting you all in this position, not the other way around. I mean, look, if Jim doesn’t want anyone else to get involved, he shouldn’t be piping someone other than his wife - he could stop doing that. And then it’s just a matter of whether anyone talks about the past. But regardless, people have opinions about people who betray their wedding vows. I say that totally understanding that people have affairs for all kinds of complex reasons and I don’t judge someone who strays as though I’m some sort of puritan. But it’s naive to believe that you can betray people and have others who know the person being betrayed not to have some sort of negative personal reaction to it. I can’t really say get more involved or not, but confronting him isn’t necessarily wrong. Nor is minding your own business. Do whatever you can live with. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998.md?page=3)