# My friend is cheating. Advice? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 1, 2019, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998 "2019-08-01T14:30:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![lingyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@lingyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lingyi)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/61 "2019-08-01T19:55:47Z")
Yeah! Let’s string him up! How dare he do that! Oops, no one but Jim (and possibly Sue if he called/told her) knows what actually happened or didn’t happen! ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/62 "2019-08-01T20:24:00Z")
Another vote here for biting your tongue, painfully difficult though that always is. There is \*no \*good that can result from your saying anything to anybody about it. All you can do is make yourself look like a bad guy. Besides, it’s likely Wifey suspects it herself anyway. Let her deal with it in a way she’s most comfortable with. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/63 "2019-08-01T20:42:16Z")
> [@ElvisL1ves](#): > > Besides, it’s likely Wifey suspects it herself anyway. Let her deal with it in a way she’s most comfortable with. She can write a country and western song about it. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/46a35a/32.png) [@Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tim_T-Bonham.net)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/64 "2019-08-01T20:51:42Z")
Suggest to Sue that she & their son Mike should drive to the last location on the band’s tour, for a surprise night with their husband/daddy. If Jim isn’t in the band’s motel room when his family arrives, they can send them to the other room, where the 22-yo is. The other band member can have reserved another room for the happy couple. 17-yo Mike can take the extra bed in the band room (or maybe in the 22-yo’s room). Should be an exciting time for all. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/65 "2019-08-01T20:59:26Z")
I wish I was in a band. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/46a35a/32.png) [@Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tim_T-Bonham.net)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/66 "2019-08-01T21:29:02Z")
> [@Gatopescado](#): > > I wish I was in a band. ☹ Sounds more like the band is in her. Or at least the band leader is. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/67 "2019-08-01T21:33:06Z")
First, don’t get more involved. Second, gee, this must be the first time in the history of music that a guy in a band cheated. Unless Sue is incredibly naive she knows the risks. Perhaps she’s aware of this and is ignoring it? Perhaps she doesn’t pop in to see the band because she’s aware? ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/68 "2019-08-01T21:34:50Z")
> [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](#): > > Look that one up under “Ono, Yoko”. John and Yoko weren’t exactly a secret. If Homewrecker wants to play bass or sing or something, then there could be a problem. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/69 "2019-08-01T21:34:57Z")
There’s one thing the band mates–and maybe you–can do. They can make clear to Jim, obliquely if need be, that they aren’t going to carry tales, but they aren’t going to cover for him–if wife gets suspicious and, say, calls the hotel room, they won’t lie and say he’s in the shower or his phone is dead; they will answer any question she asks openly and honestly. Deciding for themselves that that is their “line” and making it clear may make them all feel better. Of course, you have to decide your own line. Like it or not, you know some stuff now. What are you going to do if she asks you if you’ve heard anything? ---
**Author:** ![lingyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@lingyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lingyi)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/70 "2019-08-01T21:42:05Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > John and Yoko weren’t exactly a secret. > If Homewrecker wants to play bass or sing or something, then there could be a problem. Maybe he’s working on her finger technique. Errr…guitar or bass that is! :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![asahi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asahi/32/8693_2.png) [@asahi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asahi)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/71 "2019-08-01T22:46:39Z")
> [@Jasmine](#): > > I’ve had two different guys who are policemen tell me that the calls they hate the most are domestic disputes because they are extremely unpredictable. My former boss at one of my first jobs was an ex-policeman, and responding to a domestic dispute is what convinced him to quit the force. As he told it, he responded to a dispute and arrived with the wife having been obviously physically assaulted. They were still yelling at each other in the kitchen when he got there, and the man was still roughing her up a bit. My former boss got in between and tried to separate them and told the guy, “If you so much as touch her again right now, I’m taking you in handcuffs” (or something to that affect). Hardly a moment passed when he lunged at her and slapped her in the face, at which point my former boss started to wrestle him to the kitchen floor. He had the cuffs out when he feels the sharp pain of a knife slashing his hand – it was the wife who slashed him while screaming “NO! NO! NO! You can’t take him away!!!” Fortunately my old boss’s partner was also present and they both ended up going to the clink. But to your point, he said domestic disputes were the worst. Nobody knew what was going to happen. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/72 "2019-08-01T22:54:46Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > A good friend of mine, I’ll call him Jim (53M) is in a band that has achieved some level of fame in the Ohio/Pennsylvania/West Virginia/Maryland area. I go to any shows nearby. Because Jim and his wife, I’ll call her Sue (50F) have a son Mike (17M), Sue rarely can make it to a show. > > I am also friends with the other two guys in the band. Recently they approached me and told me that months ago a “groupie”, let’s call her Homewrecker (22F) has been following the band, specifically to flirt/talk with Jim. They suspect more than casual conversation has been going on. Homewrecker has driven considerable distances to see the band and she has gotten a motel room for after the show. The band also will get a room and the last couple shows Jim has spent the night somewhere other than the band’s room. When asked “WTF?” Jim tells them it’s none of their business. > > I’m now in an an awkward situation. The band guys have shared their info but only to see if I had any suggestions on what they should do. They do not want Jim to know that they’ve come to me. My gf and I will be attending a graduation party for Mike in a few weeks, and Jim and Sue (Mike’s parents) will, of course, be there. At this time, as far as I know, Sue does not know that anything is going on. > > Suggestions? It is a really sad situation. When I told my gf about it she actually shed some tears. If I were you, I’d get high and forget about getting involved in any way. ---
**Author:** ![lingyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@lingyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lingyi)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/73 "2019-08-01T23:28:25Z")
> [@asahi](#): > > My former boss at one of my first jobs was an ex-policeman, and responding to a domestic dispute is what convinced him to quit the force. As he told it, he responded to a dispute and arrived with the wife having been obviously physically assaulted. They were still yelling at each other in the kitchen when he got there, and the man was still roughing her up a bit. My former boss got in between and tried to separate them and told the guy, “If you so much as touch her again right now, I’m taking you in handcuffs” (or something to that affect). Hardly a moment passed when he lunged at her and slapped her in the face, at which point my former boss started to wrestle him to the kitchen floor. He had the cuffs out when he feels the sharp pain of a knife slashing his hand – it was the wife who slashed him while screaming “NO! NO! NO! You can’t take him away!!!” Fortunately my old boss’s partner was also present and they both ended up going to the clink. But to your point, he said domestic disputes were the worst. Nobody knew what was going to happen. Off-topic but waiting for Bijou Drains next post about the situation between him and his (ex?) girlfriend! I didn’t think anything about visiting my friend’s wife (she always called me) when he was having his affair. I didn’t think anything about sitting next to her and holding her hand while she told me about what was going on in her head, until the last time I talked to the two of them together. As soon as she heard the door being unlocked, she let go of my hand said said he was home. A brief image of him beating the crap out of me flashed through head, but I trusted him like a brother (though he was an utter jerk about his and other things). The next time I talked to either one of them (probably was a few weeks, not months), they had both moved to separate places (he hadn’t paid the rent for over two months). Whenever I’d see one of them separately, they’d ask about the other and I would just say he/she was doing okay and nothing more and it was left at that. He remarried and I think he told me she did too. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/74 "2019-08-01T23:32:36Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > If I were you, I’d get high and forget about getting involved in any way. _He was gonna set his buddy straight before he got high He was gonna save him some trouble and strife, but he got high Now his buddy’s livin’ out of his car and we all all know why (why man?), Because he got high, because he got high, Because he got high_ ---
**Author:** ![tuesdayweld](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ccd318/32.png) [@tuesdayweld](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tuesdayweld)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2019, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/75 "2019-08-01T23:58:42Z")
I disagree with the advice not to get involved. You & your wife are already involved. You guys are emotionally invested in your friendships with Jim & Sue and having been given this distressing news is challenging your own integrity & and your ethical responsibility to the relationships. If/when Sue finds out and it comes to light that you sat on info, my guess is she’ll feel doubly betrayed (which is a really awful feeling that I wish I knew nothing about). My 2 cents: why don’t you & your SO catch the bands next show. Do your own observing. Your SO made no promises to the band mates that she wouldn’t address the issue with Jim and/or Sue. ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Hedonia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ann_hedonia/32/319_2.png) [@Ann\_Hedonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Hedonia)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2019, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/76 "2019-08-02T00:42:02Z")
That year when the only or last kid leaves for college is an interesting one for many couples. A lot of couples have just been hanging onto the marriage for the sake of the kids. Some of them may have made this decision explicitly, some of them have an implicit understanding and sometimes it’s still percolating in the minds of one or both of them. Remember, you REALLY don’t know what’s been going on. Sue’s been spending a lot of nights alone as well. Even if they split tomorrow, it may very well be for other reasons. The affair - if it is happening - may just be a symptom of other things happening in the marriage. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2019, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/77 "2019-08-02T00:42:06Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > I can’t out the guys who told me about the situation, I promised them that before they told me. Ok, stopped reading the thread here so I can share my secret technique for spilling secrets: Pretend you’re really intuitive. Assuming you really do want to talk with him about this: go to a show, during breaks make sure you’re in spitting distance to groupie and buddy, then later you can say “that didn’t look like how you normally interact with groupies, wtf is going on there?” ---
**Author:** ![Melbourne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5e925/32.png) [@Melbourne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Melbourne)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2019, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/78 "2019-08-02T00:45:58Z")
Lean on the guy. I don’t say you will fix it, but you’ve got just as much right to express an opinion as he does. ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2019, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/79 "2019-08-02T01:09:55Z")
> [@DCnDC](#): > > OP doesn’t KNOW anything. It’s just rumor and hearsay at this point. It’s not OP’s job, or anyone’s, to referee other people’s relationships. I meant he should ask Jim. That’s his friend. ---
**Author:** ![lingyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@lingyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lingyi)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2019, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/80 "2019-08-02T03:06:30Z")
> [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](#): > > I meant he should ask Jim. That’s his friend. Band members said not to mention that they talked to the OP. Just dawned on me. I smell a troll. Well played Kayaker! [https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/search.php?searchid=16035096](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/search.php?searchid=16035096) Band members open up to the OP, but don’t want to be outed and just need advice. This has been stated multiple times. Too many details on those involved, names, ages, particularly the 22 y/o groupie called "Homewrecker? 17 y/o son with undisclosed issues that keeps Mom at home, but will magically be resolved when he goes to college next year. Groupie is following the band and gets a motel room after show(s). ??? How do the bandmates know? The band in popular in a very specific multi-state area. It goes from they suspect Jim is sneaking into her room to, he was seen entering the room WITH her Jim tells the bandmates it’s none of the business, then later acts shy and embarrassed in the car the next day The OP wants our similar stories, for what? The bandmates are positively not hooking up with groupies because they’ve “already sown their wild oats” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998.md?page=5)