# My friend is cheating. Advice? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 1, 2019, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998 "2019-08-01T14:30:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2019, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/81 "2019-08-02T03:12:37Z")
He is 50 and still in a travelling band? I’m guessing if hes really been doing it this long him and his wife might have some sort of understanding of his away from home relationships. ---
**Author:** ![Mallard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Mallard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mallard)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2019, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/82 "2019-08-02T03:15:33Z")
While it is quite possible he’s banging home wrecker it appears you don’t know for sure. Just me perhaps but I say but out. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2019, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/83 "2019-08-02T03:19:39Z")
> [@lingyi](#): > > Band members said not to mention that they talked to the OP. > Just dawned on me. I smell a troll. Well played Kayaker! > > [https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/search.php?searchid=16035096](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/search.php?searchid=16035096) Search has no results. What are you trying to say? ---
**Author:** ![lingyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@lingyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lingyi)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2019, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/84 "2019-08-02T03:34:06Z")
Link works for me. It’s the OP’s posting history. Too many details that have to drawn out of the OP, the details changes slightly with each post, too much detail like how do the bandmates know Homewreaker is 22 and gets a motel room whenever they are? Doesn’t she have friends or relatives in what presumably one of her home states? ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2019, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/85 "2019-08-02T03:39:44Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Agree, not my business, but inn a way it is the band’s business. They are a 3 piece band that is currently enjoying some measure of success. They see the likelihood that the current situation will tear the band apart.☹ And that’s their problem, not yours. STAY. OUT. OF. IT. ---
**Author:** ![lingyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@lingyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lingyi)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2019, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/86 "2019-08-02T05:40:25Z")
Oops…sorry Mods, forgot we’re not supposed to accuse posters of trolling outside the pit! Self warning! ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2019, 7:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/87 "2019-08-02T07:19:02Z")
My best friends husband was cheating on her. It was with a few women. Every one in our mutual circle knew or suspected strongly. I was out of the loop. No one was telling me either. She found out on her own. As wives often do. She was mad at me for a month or so because she thought I knew as well. She wondered why I hadn’t come and told her. I did assure her I hadn’t been in the know. And we made up. It’s been years ago and she’s still mad at a couple of women who knew and didn’t come tell her. I thought at the time I would tell any close friend if I knew their mate was cheating. OP, because you’re privy to the information you now have an obligation, I believe, to your friend. You need to tell him what you’ve heard. If it’s not true, no foul, no harm. If he owns up to it, give him advice. Tell him you’re going to his wife if he doesn’t. You, OP are the loser here. Some one is gonna be pissed either way you go. I’m sorry this happened to you. You’re between a rock and a hard place. (IMHO) ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2019, 10:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/88 "2019-08-02T10:22:28Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Tell him you’re going to his wife if he doesn’t. This is so wrong. It’s nobody’s business to enforce someone else’s relationship obligations like this. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2019, 11:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/89 "2019-08-02T11:34:29Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > He is 50 and still in a travelling band? Not “still”. The band formed in high school, then broke up. They got back together when they were in their 30s, did well, but broke up again over various dramas that unfolded (not involving Jim). Got together again for a series of a few reunion shows and drew huge crowds, but they were too busy to keep it up. Now they’re older, settled down, and are working hard and taking the music seriously. > [@lingyi](#): > > Oops…sorry Mods, forgot we’re not supposed to accuse posters of trolling outside the pit! Self warning! I have no idea what your going on about. CT much? ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2019, 11:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/90 "2019-08-02T11:38:46Z")
> [@Ann\_Hedonia](#): > > That year when the only or last kid leaves for college is an interesting one for many couples. A lot of couples have just been hanging onto the marriage for the sake of the kids. Some of them may have made this decision explicitly, some of them have an implicit understanding and sometimes it’s still percolating in the minds of one or both of them. > > Remember, you REALLY don’t know what’s been going on. Sue’s been spending a lot of nights alone as well. Even if they split tomorrow, it may very well be for other reasons. The affair - if it is happening - may just be a symptom of other things happening in the marriage. My gf and I were talking about the situation over dinner last night. She told me she’d been thinking about the situation, then said pretty much what Ann wrote here. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2019, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/91 "2019-08-02T17:51:44Z")
> [@lingyi](#): > > Band members said not to mention that they talked to the OP. > Just dawned on me. I smell a troll. Well played Kayaker! > > [https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/search.php?searchid=16035096](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/search.php?searchid=16035096) You can’t link to searches – it doesn’t work. And **Kayaker** has been here for a long time – dude’s anything but a troll. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2019, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/92 "2019-08-02T17:58:51Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > …And **Kayaker** has been here for a long time – dude’s anything but a troll. Anything? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Lamoral](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lamoral/32/16078_2.png) [@Lamoral](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamoral)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2019, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/93 "2019-08-02T20:46:16Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > I am also friends with the other two guys in the band. Recently they approached me and told me that months ago a “groupie”, let’s call her Homewrecker (22F) has been following the band, specifically to flirt/talk with Jim. They suspect more than casual conversation has been going on. Homewrecker has driven considerable distances to see the band and she has gotten a motel room for after the show. The band also will get a room and the last couple shows Jim has spent the night somewhere other than the band’s room. When asked “WTF?” Jim tells them it’s none of their business. The other guys in the band are tools for talking about this. ---
**Author:** ![Ashtura](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ashtura/32/2963_2.png) [@Ashtura](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ashtura)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2019, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/94 "2019-08-02T20:47:02Z")
If you’re smart, you’ll stay out of it, completely. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2019, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/95 "2019-08-02T20:58:12Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > He is 50 and still in a travelling band? > > I’m guessing if hes really been doing it this long him and his wife might have some sort of understanding of his away from home relationships. 😕 If you’re in a band and it’s not traveling, then it’s not successful and should be thought of as merely a hobby. Unless you have a dedicated theater in Vegas. And now I realize that I’m disappointed because there’s no way in hell kayaker is going to name the band so I can see what they’re ike. Lol. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2019, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/96 "2019-08-02T23:30:42Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > He is 50 and still in a travelling band? It works for Phil Dirt & The Dozers. Oops. ---
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2019, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/97 "2019-08-02T23:56:36Z")
A guy in a rock band has a side chick on the road. If his wife doesn’t know, she likely doesn’t care. ---
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2019, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/98 "2019-08-03T03:35:01Z")
FWIW, my wife has strayed. Had I known earlier, like her sister or some or her friends did, maybe we could have salvaged the marriage. Certainly not at this juncture. Sucks all around with no good answers. But I would have appreciated a head’s up and an opportunity. Y’all have to make your own decision on a case like this. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2019, 8:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/99 "2019-08-03T08:27:42Z")
I asked my Taiwanese students what they would do. Jim is lucky to be an American. All the students in Taiwan say that they would probably tell Sue. Or they would tell their wife who would tell Sue. This type of situation really sucks. I don’t think there are any good answers. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2019, 11:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998/100 "2019-08-03T11:54:50Z")
> [@Lamoral](#): > > The other guys in the band are tools for talking about this. The other two guys are shaken up seeing their best friend trashing a great life and there’s nothing they can do about it. They came to me hoping I’d have a magic fix, just as I started this thread hoping for a magic fix.☹ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-advice/837998.md?page=6)