# My friend is cheating on his wife **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 8, 2016, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-on-his-wife/756812 "2016-06-08T06:28:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![youtwo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/b5a626/32.png) [@youtwo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/youtwo)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2016, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-on-his-wife/756812/121 "2016-06-11T20:52:35Z")
When did this poor woman forget to stop caring for her own self interested? Just because a man or woman promises to be faithful in some worded vows. Is not a guarantee anymore. Stand up and smell the coffee. The statement “This woman is being robbed of the right to protect herself”. Is another example of playing a victim role in life. Trust no one because EVERYBODY LIES. This should be tattooed on everyone, whom seems to think differently. If you haven’t experienced this in life yet, you will. Life has a way of slapping you into this idea of caring for yourself. Nobody needs to be in these so called relationships that are always changing. As individuals change over time. What is important and special to two people at age 23. Can be totally different at age 34. This OP learned information in my opinion is no different from someone telling me they robbed a bank. And confiding in me that they did so. Do I care Hell NO. This person will deal with some consequence at some point along the way. Stay out of it, say nothing. ---
**Author:** ![Reluctant\_A](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/839c29/32.png) [@Reluctant\_A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reluctant_A)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2016, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-on-his-wife/756812/122 "2016-06-11T21:18:44Z")
> [@youtwo](#): > > When did this poor woman forget to stop caring for her own self interested? > Just because a man or woman promises to be faithful in some worded vows. Is not a guarantee anymore. Stand up and smell the coffee. > The statement “This woman is being robbed of the right to protect herself”. Is another example of playing a victim role in life. > Trust no one because EVERYBODY LIES. This should be tattooed on everyone, whom seems to think differently. If you haven’t experienced this in life yet, you will. > Life has a way of slapping you into this idea of caring for yourself. > Nobody needs to be in these so called relationships that are always changing. As individuals change over time. What is important and special to two people at age 23. Can be totally different at age 34. > This OP learned information in my opinion is no different from someone telling me they robbed a bank. And confiding in me that they did so. Do I care Hell NO. This person will deal with some consequence at some point along the way. > Stay out of it, say nothing. [![]( " - YouTube") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=duefjaYdM8Q) ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2016, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-on-his-wife/756812/123 "2016-06-11T22:02:19Z")
> [@youtwo](#): > > This OP learned information in my opinion is no different from someone telling me they robbed a bank. And confiding in me that they did so. Do I care Hell NO. Wow. > [@youtwo](#): > > This person will deal with some consequence at some point along the way. > Stay out of it, say nothing. you would have been a hoot when they were rounding up Jews in Germany. Yes, eventually they had to deal with the consequences. Had Hitler been dealt with early on it wouldn’t have taken 45 million people to die. The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2016, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-on-his-wife/756812/124 "2016-06-11T22:46:41Z")
> [@youtwo](#): > > When did this poor woman forget to stop caring for her own self interested? > Just because a man or woman promises to be faithful in some worded vows. Is not a guarantee anymore. Stand up and smell the coffee. > The statement “This woman is being robbed of the right to protect herself”. Is another example of playing a victim role in life. > Trust no one because EVERYBODY LIES. This should be tattooed on everyone, whom seems to think differently. If you haven’t experienced this in life yet, you will. > Life has a way of slapping you into this idea of caring for yourself. > Nobody needs to be in these so called relationships that are always changing. As individuals change over time. What is important and special to two people at age 23. Can be totally different at age 34. > This OP learned information in my opinion is no different from someone telling me they robbed a bank. And confiding in me that they did so. Do I care Hell NO. This person will deal with some consequence at some point along the way. > Stay out of it, say nothing. Im thankful that I don’t see the world this way. ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2016, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-on-his-wife/756812/125 "2016-06-11T22:53:10Z")
> [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > So now the ‘excluded middle’ doesn’t meet your standards either? At what point do you slice that YOU AREN’T the problem? You’re up to 50% now… but now you discount the middle to boil it down to two choices. > So you are the 25% dictating to the 75%? Are you the 20% dictating to the 80%? The 10% dictating to the 90%? The 5% dictating to the 95%? You REALLY need to read on the fallacy of the excluded middle, because while it’s hard to figure out exactly what you’re trying to say, you seem to think it has something to do with what percentage of a population supports an idea. But what it actually means is that someone is treating a situation as though the only options are two extreme options instead of any middle ground. When I googled it turns out I wasn’t using most common term for it, you can feel free to read all of my mentions of “Fallacy of the Excluded middle” as “Fallacy of the False Dilemma” if it gets your blood pressure down. [https://www.logicallyfallacious.com/tools/lp/Bo/LogicalFallacies/94/False\_Dilemma](https://www.logicallyfallacious.com/tools/lp/Bo/LogicalFallacies/94/False_Dilemma) > [@](#): > > Tell us This, before I get to the point where I just don’t care about a single thing you say: Re: what You want/demand us all to do… at what small % that encompasses both you and your ego does the rest of America get to turn and tell YOU where to get off about matters that don’t concern you? Really, at this point I my ‘demand’ is that you read the link above and respond to the actual meaning of what I wrote instead of whatever misinterpretation you have. I’m not even exactly sure what you’re arguing with or why you’re so upset, what you’re posting reads as an incoherent rambling rant to me even with guesses at what you think ‘fallacy of the excluded middle’ means. And I really don’t understand where you’re getting the idea that the rest of America DOESN’T try to tell me what to do in my personal life, or why you think I’m trying to dictate how you run your life, or how the various percentages tie into that. ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2016, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-on-his-wife/756812/126 "2016-06-12T05:00:22Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > It’s not something about marriage, it’s something about HIV, herpes, gonorrhea, reproductive decisions . . . > > I suppose it is about marriage in that the vast VAST majority of marriages include the understanding that it is safe to stop worrying about these things. It is fairly safe to assume that she isn’t in the mindset of keeping herself safe from STDs anymore, she’s in a long-term marriage, which, given the friend’s “confession” to the OP, clearly included an agreement of fidelity. > > The white-hot moral outrage, at least on my part, is about leaving this poor woman ignorant of the risk in her life. Most of us single girls are carefully protecting ourselves throughout our single lives, trying to make sure none of these germs or viruses get a chance to infect us. Do condoms not exist in the US or something? Look, as an educated man of the world I know they’re not 100% effective at preventing everything - but the way people in this thread are talking, it’s like no-one uses them or they’re made of rice paper or something equally useless from a sexual health standpoint. ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2016, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-on-his-wife/756812/127 "2016-06-12T05:20:08Z")
> [@Martini\_Enfield](#): > > Do condoms not exist in the US or something? > > Look, as an educated man of the world I know they’re not 100% effective at preventing everything - but the way people in this thread are talking, it’s like no-one uses them or they’re made of rice paper or something equally useless from a sexual health standpoint. have you ever researched STD’s and the percentage of people who have them? ---
**Author:** ![octopus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/octopus/32/3716_2.png) [@octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/octopus)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2016, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-on-his-wife/756812/128 "2016-06-12T05:30:55Z")
> [@youtwo](#): > > When did this poor woman forget to stop caring for her own self interested? > Just because a man or woman promises to be faithful in some worded vows. Is not a guarantee anymore. Stand up and smell the coffee. > The statement “This woman is being robbed of the right to protect herself”. Is another example of playing a victim role in life. > Trust no one because EVERYBODY LIES. This should be tattooed on everyone, whom seems to think differently. If you haven’t experienced this in life yet, you will. > Life has a way of slapping you into this idea of caring for yourself. > Nobody needs to be in these so called relationships that are always changing. As individuals change over time. What is important and special to two people at age 23. Can be totally different at age 34. > This OP learned information in my opinion is no different from someone telling me they robbed a bank. And confiding in me that they did so. Do I care Hell NO. This person will deal with some consequence at some point along the way. > Stay out of it, say nothing. Pretty cynical. But is it true? ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2016, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-on-his-wife/756812/129 "2016-06-12T05:38:29Z")
> [@Martini\_Enfield](#): > > Do condoms not exist in the US or something? > > Look, as an educated man of the world I know they’re not 100% effective at preventing everything - but the way people in this thread are talking, it’s like no-one uses them or they’re made of rice paper or something equally useless from a sexual health standpoint. Condoms are highly effective against HIV and pregnancy if used 100% of the time. They’re fairly ineffective against HSV (herpes) and HPV. While HSV is not a big health risk for people with a healthy immune system (the CDC pretty much doesn’t care about it), it’s got a huge social stigma, and is incredibly common. Estimates are that 80% of the US has HSV 1 or 2, and while HSV2 is the one generally considered an STD, HSV1 is being found on the genitals more frequently. There are a lot of people that don’t use condoms 100% of the time for vaginal sex, that don’t use condoms or dental dams for oral sex, or don’t condoms for anal sex (since you can’t get pregnant from it). Ask some women who ‘play the field,’ they will have run into a decent number of guys who try to talk them into no condom, or ‘forget’ it, or start with it and slip it off halfway. Now think about the fact that you’re talking about someone willing to break promises to their spouse. Do you really think they’re going to be 100% honest and vigilant about condom usage? Do you really think someone already taking all of the risks of cheating is completely sexually risk averse otherwise? ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2016, 7:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-on-his-wife/756812/130 "2016-06-12T07:43:14Z")
> [@Pantastic](#): > > Now think about the fact that you’re talking about someone willing to break promises to their spouse. Do you really think they’re going to be 100% honest and vigilant about condom usage? Do you really think someone already taking all of the risks of cheating is completely sexually risk averse otherwise? We’re discussing hypotheticals, of course, but I would think possibly yes - if for no other reason than self-interest (ie they don’t want to get an STD themselves). ---
**Author:** ![mascaroni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dc4da7/32.png) [@mascaroni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mascaroni)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2016, 10:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-on-his-wife/756812/131 "2016-06-12T10:23:47Z")
> [@Magiver](#): > > Wow. > > you would have been a hoot when they were rounding up Jews in Germany. Yes, eventually they had to deal with the consequences. Had Hitler been dealt with early on it wouldn’t have taken 45 million people to die. > > The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. I cannot believe most of the stuff I’ve read in this thread, but that takes the numptyness to a new level. Comparing a bit on the side to the Holocaust? Really? ---
**Author:** ![Mijin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mijin/32/9369_2.png) [@Mijin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mijin)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2016, 11:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-on-his-wife/756812/132 "2016-06-12T11:11:15Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > Drop him. Especially if your SO is the woman he’s cheating with. But what the OP doesn’t know can’t hurt him, right? ---
**Author:** ![tuesdayweld](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ccd318/32.png) [@tuesdayweld](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tuesdayweld)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2016, 11:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-on-his-wife/756812/133 "2016-06-12T11:23:53Z")
> [@PeskiPiksi](#): > > I was a cheated-on wife, and I say tell her. Ditto here. It was horrific when I did finally find out and it was made even worse when I came to know how many people in the inner circle of our lives knew (long) before I did. At the time, I experienced it as a major humiliation. Even an anonymous letter - to plant the seed - would have been a kindness. Deception is just as awful as betrayal, IMO. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2016, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-on-his-wife/756812/134 "2016-06-12T13:24:08Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Im thankful that I don’t see the world this way. Preach. That’s some frightening stuff right there. Perhaps the writer is related to Brock Turner? Sounds a lot like the bullshit they wrote in his defense. And I’m really not understanding a lot of the replies here. The OP said right off the bat that there’s no way he could tell the wife and was solely looking at whether or not he should encourage the cheater toward a divorce. Talking up the dissolution of a marriage he doesn’t want to be in and is actively trying to destroy is worlds away from inserting yourself into the drama. As to the rest of the comments that the wife must know and she’s responsible for protecting herself against his philandering? That’s definitely victim blaming / shaming while assuming facts not in evidence. ---
**Author:** ![nicky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/f0a364/32.png) [@nicky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nicky)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2016, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-on-his-wife/756812/135 "2016-06-12T15:18:29Z")
I think the OP should tell the friend he thinks he should divorce. And if the friend brings up the subject again, OP should restate his opinion. But don’t initiate any more discussions. ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2016, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-on-his-wife/756812/136 "2016-06-12T15:22:09Z")
> [@Martini\_Enfield](#): > > We’re discussing hypotheticals, of course, but I would think possibly yes - if for no other reason than self-interest (ie they don’t want to get an STD themselves). _rolleyes_ because no one who thinks they will never get caught cheating ever thinks they will never catch an STD as long as they stick to ‘clean’ people. Or doesn’t worry about it that much because the ‘pitcher’ is less likely to contract something than the ‘catcher’. Have you ever talked to people who do casual or semi-casual sex about their experience with other people using protection? It might change your opinion about how universal and consistent condom usage is. I think it’s hilarious that people say I’m being unrealistic for not wanting to be close to people willing to cheat on their spouse, but at the same time seem to think that cheaters will go for 100% condom usage because of logic. But don’t take my word for it, take this study [Cheaters Have Higher Risk for STDs than People in 'Open' Relationships | Live Science](http://www.livescience.com/36242-cheating-unsafe-sex-open-relationship-std-risk.html) (notable stat: only about 1/3 of people cheating even talk about STD status) or this survey from cheating site Ashley Madison [10 Ways Cheaters Avoid Getting Caught, According To The Cheaters Themselves | HuffPost Life](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/22/cheating-signs_n_4646831.html) (only 5% of people said they used condoms to prevent STDs/Pregnancy). ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2016, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-on-his-wife/756812/137 "2016-06-13T03:56:56Z")
> [@tuesdayweld](#): > > Ditto here. It was horrific when I did finally find out and it was made even worse when I came to know how many people in the inner circle of our lives knew (long) before I did. At the time, I experienced it as a major humiliation. Even an anonymous letter - to plant the seed - would have been a kindness. Deception is just as awful as betrayal, IMO. This. Every single word of this. I can’t imagine anyone that was cheated on would say,“I’m glad nobody told me”. The sense of betrayal was terrible. This was both by people that knew before and people that knew after. "Friends"that told me they wanted to remain neutral in the divorce became non-friends to me. It was devistating. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2016, 9:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-on-his-wife/756812/138 "2016-06-13T09:40:51Z")
I have not been in the situation where my significant other has cheated on me, and I’m certain that affects how I see (or don’t see) the perspective of the person who has been cheated on. However, the OP has stated he is neither a friend nor a relative of the cheater’s wife. He barely knows her, and has no sort of relationship with her. Not quite a stranger, but close to it. Now, if I found out my sister’s husband was cheating on her, or my best friend’s husband was cheating on her, my answer might be different. I don’t know, I haven’t been in that situation. ---
**Author:** ![iljitsch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/77aa72/32.png) [@iljitsch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iljitsch)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2016, 10:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-on-his-wife/756812/139 "2016-06-13T10:13:37Z")
In general I lean more towards the “tell the wife” side, but I can see how people would like to avoid that. However: > [@Scougs](#): > > Tell him that - in your opinion - he should get divorced before there are children involved. This. It’s good to have this information before making any important life decisions, and they don’t get more important than this. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2016, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-on-his-wife/756812/140 "2016-06-14T05:24:43Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > I have not been in the situation where my significant other has cheated on me, and I’m certain that affects how I see (or don’t see) the perspective of the person who has been cheated on. > > However, the OP has stated he is neither a friend nor a relative of the cheater’s wife. He barely knows her, and has no sort of relationship with her. Not quite a stranger, but close to it. He knows her well enough. It’s not like she’s a random person on a bus. He knows her name, he’s been to her home. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-on-his-wife/756812.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friend-is-cheating-on-his-wife/756812.md?page=8)