# My friend's ex is a loose cannon- NEED ANSWER FAST! **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 27, 2015, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friends-ex-is-a-loose-cannon-need-answer-fast/718610 "2015-04-27T02:47:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2015, 7:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friends-ex-is-a-loose-cannon-need-answer-fast/718610/41 "2015-04-28T07:22:37Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > Well, in the case of the young ladies who pursued my husband, I’m pretty sure you are correct that saying “fuck off” would have worked. > > Not everyone is that callous though. Even horny guys have been known to behave like decent human beings from time to time. > [@Mijin](#): > > This. > In a thread like this, everyone is trying to sound super macho and experienced, but IRL just screwing a woman and then telling her to fuck off is something most guys would find very hard to do. Which is of course a good thing. > But the flipside of that is, you can easily find yourself snared, wishing you hadn’t banged someone. > > However, for the OP, I’m not sure that she seems that crazy yet. What did the OP say to her? In what context did she ask the personal questions…was there a conversation that led up it? Well, speaking for myself, the “fuck off” part doesn’t come until after they’ve been told politely I’m no longer interested. It has nothing to do with being “macho” and everything to do with not wanting to be someone’s emotional door mat. If being “decent” means you have to sit there and take someone’s BS with a smile, your welcome to keep your decency. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2015, 7:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friends-ex-is-a-loose-cannon-need-answer-fast/718610/42 "2015-04-28T07:42:20Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > Well, speaking for myself, the “fuck off” part doesn’t come until after they’ve been told politely I’m no longer interested. > > It has nothing to do with being “macho” and everything to do with not wanting to be someone’s emotional door mat. > > If being “decent” means you have to sit there and take someone’s BS with a smile, your welcome to keep your decency. No, “decent” means not using someone as a sexual doormat. It means not entering into a sexual relationship while thinking to yourself “this girl is a lunatic, I’m going to screw her and as soon as I tire of the sex I’ll tell her I’m not interested.” ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2015, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friends-ex-is-a-loose-cannon-need-answer-fast/718610/43 "2015-04-28T17:51:39Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > “Don’t stick your dick in the crazy” only applies to people 30 and older. A young adult most definitely _should_ stick their dick in the crazy. > > You have to stick your dick in the crazy at least once. I believe that to be a rite of passage. That’s a _negative_! Believing that sticking your dick in the crazy is a rite of passage is succumbing to peer-pressure at nearly the lowest level. “C’mon… piss on the electric fence, dude! WE ALL did it! You gotta do it too!” ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2015, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friends-ex-is-a-loose-cannon-need-answer-fast/718610/44 "2015-04-28T18:37:27Z")
> [@Cinnamon\_Imp](#): > > Some of my crazy friends would take that as a challenge, and say you’d just not met the right woman yet. I.e. them. And then stick their tongue down your throat. Then you just have to take it a step further and start having sex with men. That’ll show her! ---
**Author:** ![FuriousGeorge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecae2f/32.png) [@FuriousGeorge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FuriousGeorge)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2015, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friends-ex-is-a-loose-cannon-need-answer-fast/718610/45 "2015-04-28T18:50:34Z")
So, I think the only real answer here is to bone her and then weigh the boning factor against the crazy factor. ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2015, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friends-ex-is-a-loose-cannon-need-answer-fast/718610/46 "2015-04-28T18:51:54Z")
Thanks for the encouragement, but I already do, and even _married_ one! (This probably works better if I explain I’m female like most of my crazy f\*g-hag friends) ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2015, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friends-ex-is-a-loose-cannon-need-answer-fast/718610/47 "2015-04-28T23:14:41Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > No, “decent” means not using someone as a sexual doormat. It means not entering into a sexual relationship while thinking to yourself “this girl is a lunatic, I’m going to screw her and as soon as I tire of the sex I’ll tell her I’m not interested.” So, whatever happened to I’m supposed to respect a woman enough to take her at her word? When she says to me she’s fine with a casual relationship, am I supposed to pat her on her head and say: “No you aren’t sweetheart, as soon as I start boning you, your gonna go ape shit crazy over me, and then I’m gonna have to tell you to fuck off.” So I guess we shouldn’t hold women responsible for there own actions eh? As pretty as they are, they just can’t be expected to wrap their heads around as something as complicated as casual relationships. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2015, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friends-ex-is-a-loose-cannon-need-answer-fast/718610/48 "2015-04-28T23:43:31Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > So, whatever happened to I’m supposed to respect a woman enough to take her at her word? When she says to me she’s fine with a casual relationship, am I supposed to pat her on her head and say: “No you aren’t sweetheart, as soon as I start boning you, your gonna go ape shit crazy over me, and then I’m gonna have to tell you to fuck off.” > So I guess we shouldn’t hold women responsible for there own actions eh? As pretty as they are, they just can’t be expected to wrap their heads around as something as complicated as casual relationships. You’re changing the rules. There was nothing said earlier to define the relationship as a woman (crazy or not) saying she’s fine with a casual relationship. If the rules are set out UP FRONT and agreed to by both parties, and the rules are: “we’re going to have sex for a while then part ways with mutual respect” – then sure, go for it. Although if you sense that someone is so unstable that they don’t really mean to adhere to that agreement, proceed at your own risk. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2015, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friends-ex-is-a-loose-cannon-need-answer-fast/718610/49 "2015-04-29T00:44:37Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > You’re changing the rules. There was nothing said earlier to define the relationship as a woman (crazy or not) saying she’s fine with a casual relationship. If the rules are set out UP FRONT and agreed to by both parties, and the rules are: “we’re going to have sex for a while then part ways with mutual respect” – then sure, go for it. Although if you sense that someone is so unstable that they don’t really mean to adhere to that agreement, proceed at your own risk. I’m not changing the rules, you the one making assumptions that I’m taking advantage of these “crazy” women. Look, I’m my 44 years of life, I’ve never once laid out the ground rules like you describe above. The way it usually works is: You go out on a date and at the end of the date and maybe a few drinks, you start making out. And from there, sex. And when it happens like that, with out any conversation of exclusivity, the only default position any reasonable adult can make is: This is a casual encounter. > [@](#): > > Although if you sense that someone is so unstable that they don’t really mean to adhere to that agreement, proceed at your own risk. No, like I said, I’m going to respect women and take them at their word. By this logic, if I “sense” a woman wants to go out with me, even after she’s told me she’s not interested, then it’s okay for me to keep badgering her until she realizes that deep down, she really wants to go out with me. I mean, come on, doesn’t it make more sense to just take people at their word? Instead of playing all these Jedi mind games? ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2015, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friends-ex-is-a-loose-cannon-need-answer-fast/718610/50 "2015-04-29T01:23:15Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > I’m not changing the rules, you the one making assumptions that I’m taking advantage of these “crazy” women. I think it’s a reasonable assumption when your initial statement on the matter, without the qualifications that came later, was “Crazies can’t have a whole lot of effect on your life if you tell them to ‘fuck off’ after you’ve had your way with them.” If that’s not the whole story, that’s nice … but don’t blame me for coming up with a reasonable interpretation of what you yourself said. > [@Shakes](#): > > I mean, come on, doesn’t it make more sense to just take people at their word? Instead of playing all these Jedi mind games? Who said anything about playing Jedi mind games? “Proceed at your own risk” sounds like good advice to me. Don’t follow it if you disagree. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2015, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friends-ex-is-a-loose-cannon-need-answer-fast/718610/51 "2015-04-29T01:48:18Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > I think it’s a reasonable assumption when your initial statement on the matter, without the qualifications that came later, was “Crazies can’t have a whole lot of effect on your life if you tell them to ‘fuck off’ after you’ve had your way with them.” If that’s not the whole story, that’s nice … but don’t blame me for coming up with a reasonable interpretation of what you yourself said. I was being flippant towards your “Don’t stick your dick in the crazy” comment. FTR: I don’t really think SYDITC is really a rite of passage, nor do I actually tell them to “fuck off” two seconds after I’ve dumped my man goo in them. ---
**Author:** ![JackieLikesVariety](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackielikesvariety/32/296_2.png) [@JackieLikesVariety](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JackieLikesVariety)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2015, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friends-ex-is-a-loose-cannon-need-answer-fast/718610/52 "2015-04-29T02:04:06Z")
> [@](#): > > I think it’s a reasonable assumption when your initial statement on the matter, without the qualifications that came later, was “Crazies can’t have a whole lot of effect on your life if you tell them to ‘fuck off’ after you’ve had your way with them.” If that’s not the whole story, that’s nice … but don’t blame me for coming up with a reasonable interpretation of what you yourself said. exactly ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2015, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friends-ex-is-a-loose-cannon-need-answer-fast/718610/53 "2015-04-29T02:30:05Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > Well, if she’s attractive, bone her. > [@TriPolar](#): > > There’s no way to know what to do until you bang her. These comments are offensive and misogynistic. The OP should make sweet beautiful love to her before he tells her to fuck off. > [@Shakes](#): > > I mean heck, all a woman has to do is be opinionated, strong willed, aggressive, or have a bit of a temper, and she gets the honor of being labeled crazy. In all seriousness, this is the real misogyny. There are so many subtle ways that women are “kept in their place,” and one of them is fear of being labeled a psycho. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2015, 9:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friends-ex-is-a-loose-cannon-need-answer-fast/718610/54 "2015-04-29T09:08:17Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > In all seriousness, this is the real misogyny. There are so many subtle ways that women are “kept in their place,” and one of them is fear of being labeled a psycho. I’m sure you have a point, but it’s not one that addresses anything that’s been said in this thread. No one is trying to label the woman pursuing the OP as “psycho” because Hillary Clinton is her role model. On the other hand, the fact that she got a new cell phone number to circumvent the fact her number was blocked does suggest that she is unbalanced with respect to **boffking**. If she barely knows the guy and he has given her zero encouragement, that behavior isn’t “strong-willed,” it’s markedly lacking in the ability to observe boundaries. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2015, 10:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friends-ex-is-a-loose-cannon-need-answer-fast/718610/55 "2015-04-29T10:37:44Z")
Expressing strong interest? Fine. Dumping a current partner because they’re now interested in you? Fine. Messaging you constantly? Annoying, but could potentially just be down to a crush. It might pass. Changing their number because you blocked their last one because they were driving you crazy, and then continuing to do the thing you blocked their last number for? **RUN.** ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2015, 10:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friends-ex-is-a-loose-cannon-need-answer-fast/718610/56 "2015-04-29T10:50:32Z")
Do we know for a fact that she actually changed her phone number? Or did she just use a different phone? BOTH are bad, but one is way worse than the other. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2015, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friends-ex-is-a-loose-cannon-need-answer-fast/718610/57 "2015-04-29T13:24:34Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > In all seriousness, this is the real misogyny. There are so many subtle ways that women are “kept in their place,” and one of them is fear of being labeled a psycho. I have no problem labeling anyone of _either_ gender who engages in stalking “a psycho.” If anything, I’m more apt to apply the term to men because they are generally more physically threatening. I suppose that’s slightly misogynistic in itself. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2015, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friends-ex-is-a-loose-cannon-need-answer-fast/718610/58 "2015-04-29T14:50:46Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > Do we know for a fact that she actually changed her phone number? Or did she just use a different phone? > > BOTH are bad, but one is way worse than the other. Good question. The OP said “I blocked her number, and she \*\*immediately got a new one \*\*to call me from.” So that sounds to me like she acquired a new phone number expressly to call him. But, some people do maintain more than one phone number. If she just switched to a different number she already had, that isn’t all _that_ bad. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2015, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friends-ex-is-a-loose-cannon-need-answer-fast/718610/59 "2015-04-29T21:16:35Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > And if your NOT hooking up with this girl because of some stupid “Bros before Hos” code; I laugh at you. I can’t improve upon perfection. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2015, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friends-ex-is-a-loose-cannon-need-answer-fast/718610/60 "2015-04-30T04:44:46Z")
Contrary to what seems to be the popular opinion here, I’d recommend that the OP NOT bone the woman. Look, you want to discourage the woman. Oddly enough, some women consider a man having sex with them as a non-verbal way of the man saying “I’d like to see you some more.” And I don’t believe that is the message you want to give her. I suppose you could try reasoning with her, especially if she keeps changing her phone number or borrowing phones to contact you. I was once in a somewhat similar situation myself, where the woman wanted to stay with me instead of leaving with her boyfriend. I told her the following: \*Last night we said a great many things. You said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well, I’ve done a lot of it since then, and it all adds up to one thing: you’re getting on that plane with Victor where you belong. I’m saying this because it’s true. Inside of us, we both know you belong with Victor. You’re part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you’re not with him, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life. I’ve got a job to do, too. Where I’m going, you can’t follow. What I’ve got to do, you can’t be any part of. Ilsa, I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you’ll understand that. Here’s looking at you, kid.\* [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-friends-ex-is-a-loose-cannon-need-answer-fast/718610.md?page=2)