# My GF likes “bad boys”--what's up with that?it' **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 10, 2009, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-gf-likes-bad-boys-whats-up-with-that-it/520720 "2009-12-10T13:44:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2009, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-gf-likes-bad-boys-whats-up-with-that-it/520720/61 "2009-12-11T19:24:02Z")
When a woman says she wants a “bad boy”, she is attracted to the excitement of a strong dominant man who somehow manages to do whatever the hell he wants and live life on his own terms. And lets face it, being the jerk or the bully or the asshole is generally sexier than being the dork or the chump or the loser. It’s actually a pretty simple pychology. If you constantly berate someone and make them feel like shit, they will be that much more appreciative when you do something less shitty. If you are nice and perfect all the time, they learn to expect it and take it for granted. Basically these sort of women suffer from an “any guy willing to date me and treat me with respect is not good enough for me” mentality. ---
**Author:** ![Argent\_Towers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e8c25b/32.png) [@Argent\_Towers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Argent_Towers)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2009, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-gf-likes-bad-boys-whats-up-with-that-it/520720/62 "2009-12-11T19:39:03Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > It’s actually a pretty simple pychology. If you constantly berate someone and make them feel like shit, they will be that much more appreciative when you do something less shitty. If you are nice and perfect all the time, they learn to expect it and take it for granted. Quite true. A good coach, for instance, will be a real hardass all the time. He’ll constantly berate everyone during practice, really tell them how slow, sloppy, weak they are at every opportunity. He’ll make you run wind sprints and “killers” until you puke, and then when you’re done, make you run some more. And then finally, when he decides he wants to, he’ll give you a compliment. Maybe nothing more than a nod of the head and “good job.” And, by God, that one compliment will mean _so_ much. You will be fiercely loyal to that coach because you’ll know that you have _earned_ his respect. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2009, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-gf-likes-bad-boys-whats-up-with-that-it/520720/63 "2009-12-11T19:41:49Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > When a woman says she wants a “bad boy”, she is attracted to the excitement of a strong dominant man who somehow manages to do whatever the hell he wants and live life on his own terms. And lets face it, being the jerk or the bully or the asshole is generally sexier than being the dork or the chump or the loser. > > It’s actually a pretty simple pychology. If you constantly berate someone and make them feel like shit, they will be that much more appreciative when you do something less shitty. If you are nice and perfect all the time, they learn to expect it and take it for granted. > > Basically these sort of women suffer from an “any guy willing to date me and treat me with respect is not good enough for me” mentality. Damn. Maybe we better define ‘bad boy’. Maybe I should break down and actually read this thread. ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Hedonia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ann_hedonia/32/319_2.png) [@Ann\_Hedonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Hedonia)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2009, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-gf-likes-bad-boys-whats-up-with-that-it/520720/64 "2009-12-11T19:45:02Z")
Stop overanalyzing it. She’s just not that into you. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2009, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-gf-likes-bad-boys-whats-up-with-that-it/520720/65 "2009-12-11T20:13:49Z")
Yall go too far by illustrating the appeal in terms of sadistic coaches and drill seagents. Being mean is literally what a “bad boy” is about, and few women are trying to find a guy that berates them and makes them feel bad about themselves. Think cats. Women like cats, right? But why? Let’s take a stereotypical cat. It isn’t abusive or mean. But it’s solitary, aloof, independent, and a bit more feral-like than your stereotypical dog. You let cats out at night to play, and sometimes they’ll come home all scratched up from fighting with strange animals. But you take care of them, just pleased that they are alive and came home to the place where they knew they can get care. They could have gone to someone else’s house, but they chose yours. Cats reciprocate their love with a gentle purr; they don’t smother you with kisses like a dog does. Cats give you plenty of space so that you are able to miss them. Dogs are always by your side. Most importantly, cats act like they don’t _need_ you, while dogs act the complete opposite. Cats are attractive animals precisely because they hang around you even though they don’t need to (at least that’s how they act). Speaking for myself, I don’t have a strong urge to feel needed by a man. Getting needy vibes from someone puts me in nurturing, mama mode, which is incompatible with me having romantic feelings for them. Occasional vulnerability (i.e. cat getting scratched up and running home to be fixed) is different than neediness; women can be attracted to the former while fearing the latter. But a needy man makes women feel like mothers, not sexual partners. Doting behavior combined with other tendencies (frequent calling, texting, emailing, requests to hang out, constant availability, being too agreeable to everything) spells dog-like need, not cat-like autonomy. ---
**Author:** ![Argent\_Towers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e8c25b/32.png) [@Argent\_Towers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Argent_Towers)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2009, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-gf-likes-bad-boys-whats-up-with-that-it/520720/66 "2009-12-11T20:27:18Z")
I think that is truly one of the best summaries of this whole issue I have _ever_ seen, and with an excellent metaphor to illustrate the point. A+! ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2009, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-gf-likes-bad-boys-whats-up-with-that-it/520720/67 "2009-12-11T20:33:31Z")
Thanks! Can you tell I really really like cats? ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2009, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-gf-likes-bad-boys-whats-up-with-that-it/520720/68 "2009-12-11T20:39:14Z")
Face, that was freakin’ perfection. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2009, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-gf-likes-bad-boys-whats-up-with-that-it/520720/69 "2009-12-11T20:47:39Z")
That was truly spot on. Brava! Though I would have chenged this sentence: “You let cats out at night to play, and sometimes they’ll come home all scratched up from fighting with strange animals.” To this: “You let cats out at night to play, and sometimes they’ll come home all scratched up from fighting with strange animals and smelling like pussy.” ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2009, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-gf-likes-bad-boys-whats-up-with-that-it/520720/70 "2009-12-11T20:49:22Z")
Oh, and I’ve also heard the comparison of women to cats. Chase them and they run away. Ignore them and they hop up on your lap. Tease them with a little bit of string… ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2009, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-gf-likes-bad-boys-whats-up-with-that-it/520720/71 "2009-12-11T20:50:53Z")
Meeee-yow! ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2009, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-gf-likes-bad-boys-whats-up-with-that-it/520720/72 "2009-12-11T23:30:14Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Yall go too far by illustrating the appeal in terms of sadistic coaches and drill seagents. Being mean is literally what a “bad boy” is about, and few women are trying to find a guy that berates them and makes them feel bad about themselves. A bad boy doesn’t have to treat YOU badly. If he treats other people poorly, then he’s a bad boy, regardless of how much he appears to respect you personally. ---
**Author:** ![Tamerlane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tamerlane/32/7602_2.png) [@Tamerlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tamerlane)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2009, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-gf-likes-bad-boys-whats-up-with-that-it/520720/73 "2009-12-12T00:00:18Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Let’s take a stereotypical cat. > > But it’s solitary, aloof, independent, > > Cats reciprocate their love with a gentle purr; they don’t smother you with kisses like a dog does. Cats give you plenty of space so that you are able to miss them. Dogs are always by your side. Most importantly, cats act like they don’t _need_ you, while dogs act the complete opposite. Cats are attractive animals precisely because they hang around you even though they don’t need to (at least that’s how they act). > [@Argent\_Towers](#): > > with an excellent metaphor to illustrate the point. A+! > [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > Face, that was freakin’ perfection. > [@tdn](#): > > That was truly spot on. Brava! Meanwhile, I’m thinking your stereotype of cats is overbroad - or so sez my very dog-like cat :D. But I may just be biased because my two cats were really annoying last night with their persistent and clingy demands for attention. Of course _they are_ neutered males and maybe that ties right back into this thread :p. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2009, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-gf-likes-bad-boys-whats-up-with-that-it/520720/74 "2009-12-12T00:14:53Z")
> [@JThunder](#): > > A bad boy doesn’t have to treat YOU badly. If he treats other people poorly, then he’s a bad boy, regardless of how much he appears to respect you personally. This is a good point and further muddles the definition of ‘bad boy’ (as I stated previously, I don’t see them at all as alpha males – more like lone wolves). The OP’s girlfriend seems to be into abusive jerks and feels better giving them a cutesy nickname. IMHO, bad boys may cut class and drive motorcycles but that doesn’t mean they’re not good boyfriends and giving lovers. But again, it’s a broad category. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2009, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-gf-likes-bad-boys-whats-up-with-that-it/520720/75 "2009-12-12T00:56:35Z")
> [@JThunder](#): > > A bad boy doesn’t have to treat YOU badly. If he treats other people poorly, then he’s a bad boy, regardless of how much he appears to respect you personally. Okay, but that’s not usually what people are talking about when they refer to “bad boys”. Usually the idea is that he’s a jerk to her. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2009, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-gf-likes-bad-boys-whats-up-with-that-it/520720/76 "2009-12-12T01:24:22Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > It’s not that she wants to be mistreated. But she wants to feel that gut-level, shaky in the knees, wet in the panties attraction. > > A bad boy doesn’t care. He doesn’t suck up to women, and he doesn’t care about society’s rules. He’s on his own path and nothing can shake him from it. That’s a very masculine trait, and it brings out the feminine in her. He makes it safe for her to dance naked in the moonlight. She can count on his strength. A nice guy who obeys her every whim doesn’t have that strength. He has no masculinity, so he doesn’t excite her femininity. > > Seriously, wouldn’t you trust [this guy](http://www.romancebookcovers.com/photos01/photoPage10.html) to have your back when the shit goes down? The tricky thing is, though, the bad boys are the _least_ likely to have your back when shit goes down. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Bith\_Shuffle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce73a5/32.png) [@The\_Bith\_Shuffle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Bith_Shuffle)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2009, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-gf-likes-bad-boys-whats-up-with-that-it/520720/77 "2009-12-12T02:17:58Z")
The fact that you should break up with this woman is clear. _Crystal_. Women are not fundamentally affection-seeking bags of compassion. Many of them want the man from the cover of the romance novel. Many of them want a tough guy with sex appeal. You’re being emotionally abused. You have a grenade in your hand right now. She threw herself in your direction as you walked down the road of life and you caught her. You probably held on to her because you were walking through a boring part of town and thought it might make the trip more interesting. If you hold onto her, she will blow up in your face and you won’t know what hit you. Show her that you _are_ tough - tell her you’re through with her and let her abuse some other “nice guy”. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2009, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-gf-likes-bad-boys-whats-up-with-that-it/520720/78 "2009-12-12T03:47:16Z")
> [@JThunder](#): > > I can see how some would view it that way, but to me, it simply sounds like he’s being considerate and accommodating. I don’t get the sense that he’s turning himself into a doormat and sacrificing all of his desires for her sake. Maybe he is being pathetic and weak, but I think it would be unfair to draw that conclusion based on his words. > > Therein lies one big problem with these diatribes against “nice guys,” IMO. Far too often, people look at a guy who’s willing to make sacrifices for a woman and conclude that he lacks a backbone. I think that’s just plain unfair. Well, there’s considerate and accommodating, and then there’s considerate and accommodating, if you see what I mean. It’s one thing to be cheerful and agreeable if someone needs to move things around last minute once in a while, and something else entirely to be cheerful and agreeable when it happens on a regular basis, which is what the OP makes it sound like he’s doing. He may not be sacrificing all his desires for her, but it really does sound like he’s being rather a doormat. I mean, he’s letting her unilaterally dictate terms he’s not comfortable with about the relationship as a whole without a murmur. He’s “finding a way to work things out” rather than saying no or expressing annoyance. He’s willing to do just about whatever it takes to avoid conflict with her. Doormat. Mind you, I’m not saying he should be picking fights about stupid shit he doesn’t care about or unilaterally laying down the rules himself. But it really ought to be a two way street, and this relationship just plain isn’t that. It’s not that he’s willing to make sacrifices, it’s that he’s willing to make rather large ones _and be the only one doing so_ that makes people conclude he doesn’t have a spine. ---
**Author:** ![Stan\_Shmenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/94ad74/32.png) [@Stan\_Shmenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stan_Shmenge)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2009, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-gf-likes-bad-boys-whats-up-with-that-it/520720/79 "2009-12-12T05:32:51Z")
> [@Strainger](#): > > Time to be a “bad boy” yourself and kick her ass to the curb. I agree. Time to show her your pimp hand. ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2009, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-gf-likes-bad-boys-whats-up-with-that-it/520720/80 "2009-12-12T15:29:37Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Okay, but that’s not usually what people are talking about when they refer to “bad boys”. Usually the idea is that he’s a jerk to her. I’ve got to disagree with that, but YMMV. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-gf-likes-bad-boys-whats-up-with-that-it/520720.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-gf-likes-bad-boys-whats-up-with-that-it/520720.md?page=5)