Why she wants a first fight:
Make up sex!
My pop-psych guess is that this goes all the way back: She had a largely absent, emotionally unavailable father, and she learned that she had to chase him and put up with crappy and demeaning interactions with him in order to get some attention that she dould tell herself was his love. And she’s replicated that pattern with the men in her romantic life.
And what about you? Do you have a history of relationships that shy away from intimacy, or is this an aberration? Just a rhetorical question for you to think about; not trying to pry, and not actually asking for an answer.
It’s a pretty poor design without a control group. What you need is another girlfriend who doesn’t know about this one. Now it’s win-win-win.
prr, is it possible that you’re drawn to her for the same reason she’s drawn to “bad boys”? Perhaps her emotional unavailability has a lot to do with your attraction to her. You guys just might be incompatible because you’re too much alike.
Oh please. She probably just wants someone who is really aggressive and dominant in the sack.
Yup.
And if she doesn’t think you’re bad boy enough, you should direct her to some of your threads here on the Dope. Couldn’t resist!
I’m one of those girls (well, I used to be). Both you with the face and **tdn **have it pretty much spot on. I don’t know why I liked them, just that I did and it was an incredible rush to be chasing the love. I say “used to be” because now I am actually dating someone that is not a “bad boy” and is, in fact, a perfect gentleman and treats me in a way I have not experienced before. It’s wonderful and amazing.
Please don’t plan on her changing her “type” anytime soon, though. The only reason I did was because I made a conscious decision that I didn’t want to raise my boys (that I raise alone because of the bad boy fathers) to think that was the way they should treat women. It’s a very hard habit to break. Cat Fight’s advice is right, though, as is what Green Bean said above.
Personally, I think it would be a mistake here to go with generalizations. Your girlfriend likes a different personality type than you have. Some women like your personality type. Some women like to eat Twix bars with hot sauce*. Etc. Extrapolating to thinking about “types” isn’t very constructive or accurate, IMO.
*not an innuendo.
More accurately IMO, they exude the illusion of confidence.
As for charisma… I don’t know what to say. If they have charisma, it’s the kind of charisma that makes them unlikeable.
You deserve better. Dump her.
Sounds to me like what you see as “respect” and “consideration,” she sees as “signs of weakness.”
Trying to woo her by being considerate and accommodating is likely to be counterproductive. You’d be better off being less accommodating. Stand up to her, don’t let her push you around, stick to your plans, assert contrary views when you disagree with her, display annoyance—or just refuse to take it—when she does annoying things, and for God’s sake, fight about something—to her, that you don’t fight means you have no opinions, no preferences, no principles, and no spine.
Or, write her off and find someone who better appreciates and meshes with your style of relating.
You know, ever since I decided I would rather die alone and be eaten by my cat than endure the kind of relationship you describe, I’ve been a much, much happier person.
DTMFA.
I’ve never been happier in my life.
I second/third/fourth/489534th DTMFA. If you wait for her to end it, it won’t be pretty.
Time to be a “bad boy” yourself and kick her ass to the curb.
Another vote for this.
Bad boy is just one version of the alpha masculinity. The key word that tdn used is lead. Currently, you are behaving as a follower. She is more attracted to a leader. It could be that, deep down, she doesn’t want the responsibility of being the leader in the relationship - at least not most of the time.
Consider this spectrum:
-
Follower
He - Let’s go out to dinner! Where would you like to go?
She - Um…I-du-know, anythings good. (Yawn) -
Leader
He - Let me take you to my favorite sushi place!
She - Cool! (Cool!) -
Bad Boy
He - I’m going out.
She - 'k (Hm, why isn’t he taking me? I want to go too! Please take me too! Ooo he’s so hot!)
Exactly.
Although the example I’d use is:
Him: Where do you want to go to dinner?
Her: I don’t know, you decide.
Him: No, honey, whatever you want is fine. You pick. I worship you and want to put my balls in your purse.
Her: Um, we have to talk.
From that part of your paragraph, it sounds like you’re preparing to get out and it’s only a matter of time before she does the same to you.
If you enjoy the sex and can separate the physical enjoyment of it from your feelings towards her (I myself cannot), then maybe you can stick around a little while longer and enjoy the thrills.
I’d personally get out now because a) I’d never be able to enjoy having sex with someone who cared less about me and could leave me at any moment, b) someone who cared less about me and talked about not being attracted to me would be a constant drain on my confidence and well-being, c) I’d feel a lot more free severing the ties and not having to deal with being treated this way anymore , and d) the “relationship” would be too much of a distraction from my overall goal of trying to find someone that I actually deserved.
EDIT: By “actually deserved”, I mean you deserve better, not worse
No.
“Bad boy” doesn’t mean she wants to be treated like shit, it means she wants some excitement from a man who demands respect. It sounds like you’re the archetypical “nice guy.” Being considerate, of course, is a good thing to do, but doing it when it’s not being reciprocated is a big warning sign. I’m sure that she views you as not having any self-respect, which makes it impossible for her to respect you.
It sounds like she’s only with you until something better comes along. If you’re not cool with that, you need to lay out what you want in a relationship and if she doesn’t bring it, dump her and move on. It’s entirely possible that demonstrating self-respect may be the missing thing that will give you what you need.
I like to think of myself as a nice guy, but I’m amazed when I hear the archetypical “nice guy” think that the sole quality women need in a relationship is “being nice.” Stimulate her funny bone, stimulate her mind, stimulate her nether regions — be stimulating. If it’s true that the “bad boy” is truly a abusive, neglectful person — which ain’t always the case, but it’s the stereotype we fall into using — why wouldn’t you man up and demonstrate the stimulating qualities she’s craving? You’ll save her grief from a bad relationship and feel a whole lot better about yourself to boot.
I can’t help but think that by making her little confession, she’s not so much expressing disappointment but rather trying to give you a road map on how to act. My guess (and it’s just a guess) is that she wants that deep intimacy with you, but she can’t just make herself more attracted to you just by wishing for it. She needs more masculine/feminine polarity, but at this point it’s up to you to create that, and this is her way of telling you. In her mind she might think that she’s giving you explicit instructions on what to do to make things better, and you’re not just getting it. And she’s really frustrated.
Maybe that’s the case and maybe it’s not, but I’d bet on it.
Why not try nutting up a little and see if she responds? It sounds like you have little to lose at this point.
Excellent post. But you forgot stimulate her heart.