# My girlfriend is spending a lot of time with her new guy friend. Help me out here. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 27, 2013, 10:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-with-her-new-guy-friend-help-me-out-here/672366 "2013-10-27T10:58:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Doggo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/87869e/32.png) [@Doggo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doggo)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2013, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-with-her-new-guy-friend-help-me-out-here/672366/41 "2013-10-29T02:57:23Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > Your relationship is over, move on. Agreed. If the OP is REALLY as good as he thinks he is, won’t have a problem finding another. ---
**Author:** ![Doggo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/87869e/32.png) [@Doggo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doggo)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2013, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-with-her-new-guy-friend-help-me-out-here/672366/42 "2013-10-29T03:02:22Z")
> [@JerrySTL](#): > > Been there. Done that. I had to move about 1,000 miles from my girlfriend for a couple of years. She had this new guy friend. Just platonic. And so on… > > If you want to extract a little revenge, act like everything is just fine. Make her do the breaking up. Some people have a lot of problems doing that. If I, and others, are wrong, when she comes back to you, all will be fine. > > You have to decide if you want to start looking for a new girl while this is all going on. I like your style. It took me years to work that out, but now I do indeed let it be other people that have to be actually unpleasant, rather than making it easy for them. I recently had a problem with a friend of 30 + years, and it is clear that the relationship is over from his side, but I will pretend to still be his friend in the hope that it makes him feel guilty. ---
**Author:** ![Stringbean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Stringbean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stringbean)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2013, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-with-her-new-guy-friend-help-me-out-here/672366/43 "2013-10-29T03:51:06Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > Your relationship is over, move on. +1 ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2013, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-with-her-new-guy-friend-help-me-out-here/672366/44 "2013-10-29T03:52:42Z")
> [@A Scanner Darkly](#): > > The world is full of guys. Be a man. Don’t be a guy. The OP is the distraction that’s going with her to India, sir. > [@RaftPeople](#): > > Thinking that you are “better” than him is kind of weird. > > “Better” is relative to the person making the judgement, only she can say whether you are “better” for her or not. > > And MBA’s and going to Harvard have nothing to do with it. Yeah, but he’ll have a degree. And you’ll be servin’ his kids fries at a drive-thru on their way to a skiing trip! > [@Stringbean](#): > > +1 Actually…no +1. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2013, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-with-her-new-guy-friend-help-me-out-here/672366/45 "2013-10-29T04:42:03Z")
> [@kambuckta](#): > > You mention that she is studying in the US at the moment: is she going to be returning to India upon completion or is she intending to apply for permanent residency (or whatever it’s called over there)? > > If it’s the former, then all is not _necessarily_ lost for your relationship. She may be just sowing some ‘wild oats’ as the saying goes, enjoying the relative freedom to hang out with whomever she wants, date guys without disapproving families watching over her shoulder, and generally having the time of her life **KNOWING THAT THIS EXPERIENCE WILL BE SHORTLIVED** and she will be returning to India to marry you and live your lives together. > > If she’s not intending to return in the shorter term, your relationship is over. You’re dumped man, and no matter how handsome, smart and a good catch you are, she’s got her eye on someone else now. > > Good luck. And even if she went there with the intent to return, she would be neither the first nor the last person to fall in love with someone they met during what was supposed to be a short stay. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2013, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-with-her-new-guy-friend-help-me-out-here/672366/46 "2013-10-29T15:44:03Z")
> [@kambuckta](#): > > You mention that she is studying in the US at the moment: is she going to be returning to India upon completion or is she intending to apply for permanent residency (or whatever it’s called over there)? > > If it’s the former, then all is not _necessarily_ lost for your relationship. She may be just sowing some ‘wild oats’ as the saying goes, enjoying the relative freedom to hang out with whomever she wants, date guys without disapproving families watching over her shoulder, and generally having the time of her life **KNOWING THAT THIS EXPERIENCE WILL BE SHORTLIVED** and she will be returning to India to marry you and live your lives together. > > If she’s not intending to return in the shorter term, your relationship is over. You’re dumped man, and no matter how handsome, smart and a good catch you are, she’s got her eye on someone else now. > > Good luck. I agree with this, OP if you can forgive her having this relationship (and it does seem like a relationship!) in the USA she may come back to India missing you. If you can’t forgive her, move on now. If you can forgive her, unfortunately you have to let her do whatever it is she is doing. Long distance relationships usually don’t work that well. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2013, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-with-her-new-guy-friend-help-me-out-here/672366/47 "2013-10-29T16:07:34Z")
The song [\*See You in September \*](http://www.oldielyrics.com/lyrics/the_happenings/see_you_in_september.html) is an oldie about this subject in general. It’s a very common situation, and it’s commonly considered that physical separation will lead to emotional separation. If you think things may be lost I’d suggest finding a female friend to spend time with and tell your absent GF all about how wonderful this new friend is. It is just retaliatory, so not really a good thing to do, but if you go down that route don’t believe her if she says she’s happy for you, she’ll actually turn to the custom of American women staying up all night eating ice cream. ---
**Author:** ![This\_Just\_In\_2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@This\_Just\_In\_2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/This_Just_In_2)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2013, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-with-her-new-guy-friend-help-me-out-here/672366/48 "2013-10-29T16:16:31Z")
Sounds bad. She is young and probably has no or few friends in a new foreign place except for Mr. Friend. > [@rahul23021991](#): > > She also tells me everything about that guy. She said they go out for movies, dinner and stuff. She tells you that by (most) definition they are dating. I would assume it is only the most benign parts of what they are up to. > [@rahul23021991](#): > > Also she said that when she is with him, she dosen’t pick my call because that guy feels weird if she talks to me in front of him. It is generally considered impolite to talk to the ‘other’ guy during a date. If she is coming back in a few months or less than perhaps she is just having some fun and might really intend to want to be back with you. It is up to you whether you’d want her back. ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2013, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-with-her-new-guy-friend-help-me-out-here/672366/49 "2013-10-29T16:19:25Z")
The only hope I see for you is that she might tire of the other guy and rethink how she feels about you. But my honest opinion is that you are now her ex-boyfriend and the odds of her coming back to you are remote at best. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2013, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-with-her-new-guy-friend-help-me-out-here/672366/50 "2013-10-29T17:02:59Z")
So many people in these situations forget the option of an open relationship. You’re in India, she’s in the US. Just let her have sex with the guy. You get her back later ---
**Author:** ![JBDivmstr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b4bc9f/32.png) [@JBDivmstr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JBDivmstr)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2013, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-with-her-new-guy-friend-help-me-out-here/672366/51 "2013-10-29T18:43:29Z")
“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it is a love that was meant to be. If they don’t, hunt them down and kill them!” :mad: Just kidding. 😛 Man up and move on, dude! Sitting around worrying about it and posting on message boards to complete strangers is definitely _ **NOT** _ the best way to deal with the situation. ---
**Author:** ![Sahirrnee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sahirrnee/32/13937_2.png) [@Sahirrnee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sahirrnee)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2013, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-with-her-new-guy-friend-help-me-out-here/672366/52 "2013-10-29T18:54:06Z")
I haven’t read the whole thread and no time to finish it now however I have male platonic friends and I have no problem whatsoever talking to them in front of an SO, and I have no problem talking to an SO in front of them. I will keep the call short out of politeness to whichever one I am with but nothing is hidden. Even if I haven’t met their wives/SOs I know who they are, they know who I am and my male friends don’t hide me from them or them from me. I would be quite comfortable with the platonic friends and SO being together because there are no secrets and I have nothing to hide. If she is hiding you from him or hiding him from you something is going on is about to. Hanging out with the opposite gender should not be a problem. Hiding it is. It sounds to me like she told him about you but is downplaying the relationship or has told him it is over. She is making herself available to him and/or trying to keep her options open. That is being disrespectful to all three people. She’s young and may not know exactly how to handle the situation, but the deceit is a huge red flag. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2013, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-with-her-new-guy-friend-help-me-out-here/672366/53 "2013-10-29T20:41:48Z")
Dude, you aren’t being paranoid. She’s dating this other guy, but hoping to keep you on the string in case she needs you if she comes back to India or when the other guy dumps her. Get yourself another girlfriend. It sounds like you have a lot going for you. That way, if your girlfriend doesn’t want to get back together, you have someone to date. If she does, then you have made it clear that you are available to come back with a snap of her fingers. Regards, Sho-damned ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2013, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-with-her-new-guy-friend-help-me-out-here/672366/54 "2013-10-29T21:11:43Z")
> [@Sho-damned](#): > > Get yourself another girlfriend. Hell, get two, they’re small. ---
**Author:** ![pancakes3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ba9def/32.png) [@pancakes3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pancakes3)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2013, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-with-her-new-guy-friend-help-me-out-here/672366/55 "2013-10-29T21:34:55Z")
Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you anyway? Potentially good news for you if you are indeed Harvard-bound. Top-tier business schools are probably the best place for a young, single, successful, driven man to find an equally single, successful, and driven partner. Some (mostly men) are already financially secure and just go because the dating pool at Harvard, Penn, etc. is just much more attractive than the regular world. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2013, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-with-her-new-guy-friend-help-me-out-here/672366/56 "2013-10-31T07:10:22Z")
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**Author:** ![Neo-Calredic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/96bed5/32.png) [@Neo-Calredic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Neo-Calredic)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2013, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-with-her-new-guy-friend-help-me-out-here/672366/57 "2013-10-31T21:59:20Z")
I’ve been through a similar situation to what you describe, and I have to agree with most of the other posters here: What you think is going on is probably correct. Her not wanting to talk to you on the phone in front of him and blowing off your calls in favor of him really leaves very little room for any other possibility here. In my case, I confronted my girlfriend about what was going on, and she admitted that she was in love with the other guy. Shortly thereafter, she moved a thousand miles across the country to be with him. She regretted the decision almost immediately, and within six weeks we were back together. We are now married and very happy together. At the time I had no choice but to give her up, but I think I dealt with it well, despite being utterly heartbroken. Before she even moved out, I was already going out on dates with other girls. She now admits that this drove her crazy, and forced her to really think about what she was giving up by leaving me. The point is, your girlfriend probably does have something going with this other guy. That being the case, you have nothing to gain by letting the situation drag on. Confront her about it – as calmly as possible – and be prepared to face the fact that you are no longer a couple. The longer you wait, the worse it’s going to be when the moment comes. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Bird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Little\_Bird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Bird)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2013, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-with-her-new-guy-friend-help-me-out-here/672366/58 "2013-10-31T23:23:19Z")
Nah, don’t confront her. Just don’t contact her. If she’s still into you, you will hear from her. If not, well, you can find yourself a new lady. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-is-spending-a-lot-of-time-with-her-new-guy-friend-help-me-out-here/672366.md?page=2)