# My girlfriend isn't enjoying D&D. Is this fix a wretched thing to do? **URL:** \ **Category:** The Game Room\ **Created:** [August 20, 2010, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877 "2010-08-20T15:25:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Khaki\_Campbell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9de053/32.png) [@Khaki\_Campbell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khaki_Campbell)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/21 "2010-08-20T17:40:15Z")
> [@miss\_elizabeth](#): > > Yeah, maybe the reason she is acting like an immature child is because you treat her like one. Try talking to her as an adult and a partner. She’s acting immature ? No surprise. After all, they play childish, make-believe games. ---
**Author:** ![Elysian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c77e96/32.png) [@Elysian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elysian)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/22 "2010-08-20T17:57:14Z")
What I think you should do: stop treating the game as more important than spending time with your friends and girlfriend. You all want to hang out? Do something else. D&D is not the only way you can hang out with these people. Why I think that: I spent YEARS trying and failing to fit into my ex’s gaming. Gaming bored me to tears, I like computer games, I even like computer games based on D&D, but sitting around at a table with people making funny voices for hours and hours (until 4 am sometimes!) was such a soul draining experience I cannot adequately describe it. So I eventually accepted I’d never like it. Partially because it all seemed like a silly and useless waste of time, and partially because the group never tried to help me fit in as a gamer. What did that leave me? My ex would sit around with his friends, two or three times a week sometimes, until the wee hours of the morning when I had work the next day. Sometimes we would all go out to a movie and then they would all talk about the stupid game the entire time! Truly, I was second place, and that was a large reason why I’m remarried. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/23 "2010-08-20T18:17:51Z")
> [@Agent\_Foxtrot](#): > > She’s bored and frustrated, and part of her frustration is that she doesn’t really understand the rules. I’ve tried to get her to read the PHB, but she says it’s dry and boring. It’s also been taking some fun out for everyone else because we have to show her how to add up her attack rating and damage every time her round comes up, plus remind her to roll Sneak Attack damage. Rulebooks _are_ boring, unless you’re specifically interested in game mechanics, or are a very experienced player who automatically begins envisioning possible game situations when reading rules. My feeling is that no player should have to operate more of the game mechanics than they enjoy. Game mechanics are not the game. Let the GM track her numbers, if necessary. Some people play campaigns in which the GM does _all_ the numbers work. If you want to get her into the role-playing aspect, bugging her with adding up numbers and making dice rolls doesn’t seem to be moving in the right direction. > [@Agent\_Foxtrot](#): > > If she doesn’t take the hook, I suggested to the DM that he just kill character her off in combat. She goes into negative HP pretty much every fight, and he’s avoided killing her off every time (at one point she should have been dead, but he let her live, unbeknownst to her). Is this a nasty thing to do to my girlfriend? I think letting her character _survive_, for reasons outside the scope of the game, wasn’t a nice thing to do, and counterproductive. How seriously can anyone take the game if there are no consequences to character actions? No wonder she’s bored. I would be. > [@aruvqan](#): > > dude, let her hang out and sit at the table and schmooze. She doesnt have to play to socialize … Very true, and maybe a good idea. If I was running the campaign, I’d try to have some non-player characters involved in the plot line so that if her interest is ever really sparked, she can take over playing one of them. ---
**Author:** ![pohjonen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pohjonen/32/423_2.png) [@pohjonen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pohjonen)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/24 "2010-08-20T18:38:32Z")
Am I the only one that misread the thread title as “My girlfriend doesn’t enjoy B&D”? I was dreading reading about the “fix”… ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/25 "2010-08-20T18:41:52Z")
I’m going to echo what a lot of other people have already said. She wants to hang out with the group but doesn’t really seem interested, enough for you guys, in the game. So how about arranging another night of the week/month for you all to hang out but do something else. Then during the D&D nights she can just hang out and chit-chat with you guys or go and do something else. I’ve never played D&D so I don’t know the rules. But maybe you and her could team up and play one character. You can do the stuff she finds boring like roleplaying or whatever and then she can do the combat stuf. ---
**Author:** ![miss\_elizabeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/838e76/32.png) [@miss\_elizabeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/miss_elizabeth)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/26 "2010-08-20T18:45:24Z")
> [@Khaki\_Campbell](#): > > > [@miss\_elizabeth](#): > > > > Yeah, maybe the reason she is acting like an immature child is because you treat her like one. Try talking to her as an adult and a partner. > > She’s acting immature ? No surprise. After all, they play childish, make-believe games. This is really mean, and wrong. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/27 "2010-08-20T18:46:02Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > So, your girlfriend really wants to spend time with the friends, to the point where she participates in an activiy which obviously bores her and in which the other participants obviously distain her, so your big master plan is to kill her off? In the hopes that she will quietly slink away, leaving you and the bros free to demonstrate your leet skillz unburdened by her newb-itude? And who said D&D boys are bad with chicks, amirite? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Hawkeyeop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/958977/32.png) [@Hawkeyeop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hawkeyeop)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/28 "2010-08-20T18:51:17Z")
Sounds like she is more interested in the game part than the role playing part. So why don’t you try some board/card games, and she won’t have to worry about the make believe part. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/29 "2010-08-20T18:56:50Z")
> [@Khaki\_Campbell](#): > > > [@miss\_elizabeth](#): > > > > Yeah, maybe the reason she is acting like an immature child is because you treat her like one. Try talking to her as an adult and a partner. > > She’s acting immature ? No surprise. After all, they play childish, make-believe games. Threadshit much? ---
**Author:** ![Death\_of\_Rats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a6a055/32.png) [@Death\_of\_Rats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Death_of_Rats)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/30 "2010-08-20T19:26:39Z")
I am still trying to wrap my head around a D&D campaign that is only 25% combat. As for the OP, i am going to join the "killing off her character is a bad idea’ bandwagon. If she is that bored, talk to her about it and see if you can find a solution that works for both of you. If she still wants to play, work the trait into her character. Let her be a brusier who doesn’t talk much and just comes out for the fights. That way she is not expected to be heavily involved in the roleplaying parts that she is not interested in. ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/31 "2010-08-20T19:29:04Z")
> [@Khaki\_Campbell](#): > > > [@miss\_elizabeth](#): > > > > Yeah, maybe the reason she is acting like an immature child is because you treat her like one. Try talking to her as an adult and a partner. > > She’s acting immature ? No surprise. After all, they play childish, make-believe games. **Khaki Campbell** please do not enter a thread solely to post a nasty comment; we call that threadshitting. Don’t do it again. **Ellen Cherry IMHO Moderator** ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/32 "2010-08-20T19:30:00Z")
> [@Hawkeyeop](#): > > Sounds like she is more interested in the game part than the role playing part. So why don’t you try some board/card games, and she won’t have to worry about the make believe part. This. alternate D&D nights with MUNCHKIN nights, or something like that. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/33 "2010-08-20T19:30:24Z")
> [@Death\_of\_Rats](#): > > I am still trying to wrap my head around a D&D campaign that is only 25% combat. Not sure what the problem is. I’ve DM’d quite a few campaigns across many different systems and it always seems to be a lot of intrigue and role play punctuated by short bursts of violence. Some gaming groups prefer that. > [@Death](#): > > As for the OP, i am going to join the "killing off her character is a bad idea’ bandwagon. If she is that bored, talk to her about it and see if you can find a solution that works for both of you. If she still wants to play, work the trait into her character. Let her be a brusier who doesn’t talk much and just comes out for the fights. That way she is not expected to be heavily involved in the roleplaying parts that she is not interested in. This is exactly how they’re doing it already. In the OP he said that she falls asleep whenever they’re not in combat. ---
**Author:** ![Reply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reply/32/15952_2.png) [@Reply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reply)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/34 "2010-08-20T19:30:37Z")
Why would you force someone to play D&D who obviously isn’t that into it? That’s girlfriend abuse, man… just sayin’. She “very much enjoys combat”, but can’t be bothered to even read the manual to the extent necessary to understand attack rolls? Maybe it isn’t the right game for her. It sounds like she tolerates it at best (with combat being the rare highlight that keeps her awake), not wanting to be left out of the group entirely. Wouldn’t she be happier if you all did something else for a change? > [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > [@Khaki\_Campbell](#): > > > > She’s acting immature ? No surprise. After all, they play childish, make-believe games. > > Threadshit much? Truthful or not, that is the common perception of D&D. That perception can play a role in the casual person’s enjoyment (or lack thereof) of the game. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/35 "2010-08-20T19:49:53Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > [@Death\_of\_Rats](#): > > > > I am still trying to wrap my head around a D&D campaign that is only 25% combat. > > Not sure what the problem is. I’ve DM’d quite a few campaigns across many different systems and it always seems to be a lot of intrigue and role play punctuated by short bursts of violence. Some gaming groups prefer that. The best and longest-running D&D campaign I ever participated in was probably less than 25% combat. Some individual sessions of that campaign involved no combat at all. ---
**Author:** ![Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/angel_of_the_lord/32/2949_2.png) [@Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angel_of_the_Lord)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/36 "2010-08-20T20:10:14Z")
Roleplaying–as opposed to dice-rolling–takes a lot longer to get into, and it isn’t for everyone (as I’m sure you know). However, I’ve experienced first-hand some of the problems that gaming + relationships can bring. My two cents are as follows: [ul] [li]She might not enjoy role-playing. . .or she might not enjoy D&D. I really enjoy role-playing, but if it’s a setting I don’t like, my interest tends to quickly wane, and all I end up caring about is stats. Is she typically into those sort of fantasy settings? Are there aspects you could add to the world to make it more interesting? Is there a genre of books that she likes? Could those themes be incorporated into the plot?[/li][li]The game is weekly. I haven’t been in a consistent weekly game since college. If you aren’t really into the game, going every week is a hell of a grind. That she’s been doing it at all is testament to the fact that she really likes you. That being said, since it’s weekly, try mixing it up a bit, either with board games or another role-playing game. If there’s one night a month where she can go and hang out, she might decide that the three nights aren’t really worth the hassle.[/li][li]Offer her the chance to roll a new character with her current XP. Slightly unfair? Yes. But if she didn’t really understand D&D going in, she might have made a character that she’s not interested in playing. My very first structured RP was a World of Darkness LARP. I made a Changeling character–an eshu with a long and detailed backstory who ended up being boring as hell to actually play. I think I would have ended up having more fun if I’d been allowed to make something new without having to start over from scratch.[/li][li]Sometimes, players can be subtly nudged in a direction. Other times, the GM needs to scream, “go _here_, dammit!” Try that second approach.[/li][li]Don’t kill her off. Seriously. First off, it’ll probably make her just hate the combat part of it, too. This means that you’re going to have a major hobby that she doesn’t share. And, I mean, that’s something that’s definitely workable, but don’t _create_ the situation. Also, having the GM kill her off with your blessing is seriously passive-aggressive. If you want her to leave the group, talk with her. Hell; talk with her anyway. That’s how relationships work.[/li][/ul] ---
**Author:** ![Meatros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Meatros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meatros)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/37 "2010-08-20T20:12:43Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > So, your girlfriend really wants to spend time with the friends, to the point where she participates in an activiy which obviously bores her and in which the other participants obviously distain her, so your big master plan is to kill her off? In the hopes that she will quietly slink away, leaving you and the bros free to demonstrate your leet skillz unburdened by her newb-itude? > > I know its a crazy thought, but have you considered talking honestly with her about the fact that she isn’t a good fit for the group? Perhaps if you addressed the issue by making some plans to include her and the friends in some non-D&D activity, she wouldn’t feel pressure to participate. This is exactly what I was thinking. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/38 "2010-08-20T20:15:10Z")
> [@Reply](#): > > > [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > > Threadshit much? > > Truthful or not, that is the common perception of D&D. That perception can play a role in the casual person’s enjoyment (or lack thereof) of the game. There’s a difference between coming into the thread to say “She might not enjoy it because she sees it as a childish make-believe game” and coming into the thread to say “She’s acting immature ? No surprise. After all, they play childish, make-believe games.” ---
**Author:** ![Baron\_Greenback](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/baron_greenback/32/48_2.png) [@Baron\_Greenback](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baron_Greenback)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/39 "2010-08-20T20:24:35Z")
> [@Agent\_Foxtrot](#): > > Me, my girlfriend, and a group of our mutual friends have been running an awesome D&D campaign weekly since March. Three of the guys are very experienced players. I’m less experienced, but holding my own well. My girlfriend has no D&D experience and has been, for lack of a nicer term, dead weight on the party. > [@](#): > > She very much enjoys combat, however, combat only comprises about 20-25% of the entire campaign. She’s very bored while we do the roleplaying and planning stuff, to the point that she falls asleep. While the rest of our characters have individual goals we’re pursuing, she pretty much just goes with whatever the party’s doing. > [@](#): > > She’s bored and frustrated, and part of her frustration is that she doesn’t really understand the rules. I’ve tried to get her to read the PHB, but she says it’s dry and boring. It’s also been taking some fun out for everyone else because we have to show her how to add up her attack rating and damage every time her round comes up, plus remind her to roll Sneak Attack damage. She feels like no one in the group listens to her, but when we ask her opinion, she gives the standard answer, “Let me think about it a little bit.” She also doesn’t really understand how to roleplay. She’s not putting herself in the plot situations. > [@](#): > > She doesn’t want to admit to the rest of the group that she’s bored and quit because she feels she doesn’t get to see our friends enough. > [@](#): > > We’ve tried to give her several plot hooks to engage her even more, even setting up some personal side-quests for her. She hasn’t bitten any of them yet. The DM and I are going to make one last attempt to engage her. I am writing her a custom prestige class based on what she’s interested in (combat, strength, and leadership) and we are adjusting the plot slightly to give her a leadership task, earning her the prestige class if she completes it successfully. All that revolves around her taking the plot hook, though. > [@](#): > > Here’s my question: If she doesn’t take the hook, I suggested to the DM that he just kill character her off in combat. She goes into negative HP pretty much every fight, and he’s avoided killing her off every time (at one point she should have been dead, but he let her live, unbeknownst to her). Is this a nasty thing to do to my girlfriend? If the DM kills her off and gives her the option to reroll, chances are she’ll decline. This’ll save her from having to admit she’s bored, and will save the rest of the group from asking her to bow out, which they’re getting closer and closer to doing. We can always store her spirit in the outer planes for resurrection later if she reads the books and gets more engaged. I was just going to quote bits, but reading the whole lot, I am lost for words. Fucking hell. _Fucking hell_. You know that real people shouldn’t be judged by the throw of a die? Here’s a recap: > [@](#): > > She’s bored and frustrated, and part of her frustration is that she doesn’t really understand the rules. I’ve tried to get her to read the PHB, but she says it’s dry and boring. It’s also been taking some fun out for everyone else because we have to show her how to add up her attack rating and damage every time her round comes up, plus remind her to roll Sneak Attack damage. She feels like no one in the group listens to her, but when we ask her opinion, she gives the standard answer, “Let me think about it a little bit.” She also doesn’t really understand how to roleplay. She’s not putting herself in the plot situations. Yeah, she’s your girlfriend all right. ---
**Author:** ![Khaki\_Campbell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9de053/32.png) [@Khaki\_Campbell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khaki_Campbell)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/40 "2010-08-20T20:31:50Z")
> [@Ellen\_Cherry](#): > > > [@Khaki\_Campbell](#): > > > > She’s acting immature ? No surprise. After all, they play childish, make-believe games. > > **Khaki Campbell** please do not enter a thread solely to post a nasty comment; we call that threadshitting. Don’t do it again. > > **Ellen Cherry > IMHO Moderator** Meh. Being appalled at immaturity in a D&D game is like being shocked at burps and vomit and wooohooos at a frat party. But anyway. My apologies to the geek/nerd sturmstaffel. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877.md?page=3)