# My girlfriend isn't enjoying D&D. Is this fix a wretched thing to do? **URL:** \ **Category:** The Game Room\ **Created:** [August 20, 2010, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877 "2010-08-20T15:25:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/61 "2010-08-21T00:24:36Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > > > FWIW, I understood the rules a lot better after playing _Baldur’s Gate_. Has she? > > If she dies in every encounter in a real D&D session I can’t see her lasting long in Baldur’s Gate. > > Edit: I’m also betting she isn’t a gamer and wouldn’t be terribly interested in playing a computer game. Yeah, BG2 was a bit more forgiving in the “get stomped by a random dire wolf out of fucking nowhere” department. That being said, BG 1&2 used D&D 2nd ed rules, which are hopelessly outdated at this point. If she wants to figure out the rules to modern D&D by the gentle, forgiving and patient proxy of a computer game, I’d suggest Neverwinter Nights 2 (or Icewind Dale 2 if she’s adamant on Baldur’s engine, for some reason ;)). ---
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/62 "2010-08-21T01:39:57Z")
> [@Reply](#): > > > [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > > > There are more people who don’t fit the stereotype than do. > > Really? I play D&D and I’m a girl in a D&D group that’s majority female. While I have fun and enjoy gaming, I also have a lot of interest in shoes, makeup and fashion (just to show interests that are usually the polar opposite of the typical gamer). ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/63 "2010-08-21T05:47:41Z")
> [@zweisamkeit](#): > > > [@Reply](#): > > > > Really? > > I play D&D and I’m a girl in a D&D group that’s majority female. While I have fun and enjoy gaming, I also have a lot of interest in shoes, makeup and fashion (just to show interests that are usually the polar opposite of the typical gamer). My D&D group currently consists of three girls (one high femme and two kind of butchy girls who nevertheless love, and look amazing in, busty medieval gowns) and two gay guys. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/64 "2010-08-21T07:04:07Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > If she dies in every encounter in a real D&D session I can’t see her lasting long in Baldur’s Gate. Where did the Op say that?😕 ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 7:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/65 "2010-08-21T07:07:37Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > > [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > > If she dies in every encounter in a real D&D session I can’t see her lasting long in Baldur’s Gate. > > Where did the Op say that?😕 I hope you’re not just being pedantic. He says right here that she goes down every encounter: > [@Agent\_Foxtrot](#): > > She goes into negative HP pretty much every fight, and he’s avoided killing her off every time (at one point she should have been dead, but he let her live, unbeknownst to her). ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/66 "2010-08-21T07:10:56Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > [@DrDeth](#): > > > > Where did the Op say that?😕 > > I hope you’re not just being pedantic. He says right here that she goes down every encounter: > > > [@Agent\_Foxtrot](#): > > > > She goes into negative HP pretty much every fight, and he’s avoided killing her off every time (at one point she should have been dead, but he let her live, unbeknownst to her). Negative HP ain’t death, and “at one point” does not= “every encounter”. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 7:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/67 "2010-08-21T07:15:39Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > > [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > > I hope you’re not just being pedantic. He says right here that she goes down every encounter: > > Negative HP ain’t death, and “at one point” does not= “every encounter”. Ah, so you were just being pedantic. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/68 "2010-08-21T15:59:01Z")
> [@aruvqan](#): > > dude, let her hang out and sit at the table and schmooze. She doesnt have to play to socialize … > she can hang there, eat and drink, and read a book or watch the game or watch tv. I used to have a few friends who had their GF hang out and just schmooze. This is my take on it. Also, as someone above mentioned, sheesh, why can’t you..you know ASK her? Ask to talk with her about it, and suggest what **aruvgan** says above, and talk to your friends about it. Then, it can be a much more enjoyable experience for all of you. Is there a way she can just do a few minutes of combat type stuff and then get put into hpyersleep or something? I’ve only played computer RPG games, so I don’t know how D&D works, but for computer games you can have some players on “reserve” sort of, where they’re not actively in all of the games. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/69 "2010-08-21T16:15:58Z")
I’m wondering why, “Talk to her” wasn’t the most obvious solution, too. It seems that in almost every Dear Abby/Prudence/whoever column, that’s the advice given when there’s a conflict, and how it never occurred to the writer is beyond me. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/70 "2010-08-21T17:47:56Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > [@DrDeth](#): > > > > Negative HP ain’t death, and “at one point” does not= “every encounter”. > > Ah, so you were just being pedantic. No, not at all. Going negative does not mean death at all in later D&D editions. I agree, just talk to her. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/71 "2010-08-21T18:05:48Z")
> [@](#): > > Is there a way she can just do a few minutes of combat type stuff and then get put into hpyersleep or something? I’ve only played computer RPG games, so I don’t know how D&D works, but for computer games you can have some players on “reserve” sort of, where they’re not actively in all of the games. I suppose she could play just a tank character, that’s only active in fights. But this would mean that all the other people would still be playing the game even when not fighting. However, I personally think that a great deal of the fun of D&D is the roleplaying. I think that D&D is just not a good fit for this person, if she doesn’t like the roleplaying and is unwilling to make an effort to read the manual. It’s POSSIBLE for someone to help her make a tank, that is, someone else could make up a character and outfit it and decide which feats the character should have, but in the long run, I don’t think that this would make her a better player, and I think it would only be prolonging the inevitable (her dropping out of the game). ---
**Author:** ![pepperlandgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f17d59/32.png) [@pepperlandgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pepperlandgirl)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/72 "2010-08-21T18:21:31Z")
Strangely enough, I watched the ep of the **The Sarah Silverman Program** that deals with this exact same scenario, essentially. Steve is disappointed/upset by the fact that Bryan’s friends have come over on their “date day” to play D&D. Bryan excludes him from the game, so he spends all day by himself and then sleeps by himself, and when he comes out the next morning, everybody is still there playing. He was clearly very upset, but Bryan was like “Whatever we’re playing”. Then Steve admits that he does want to play but he sucks and he doesn’t want to ruin their game (even if he thinks it’d be fun and he wants to spend time with his boyfriend). Steve says “I’d still be gay for you even if you were a level 1 thief with a level 2 charisma.” His friends all said “Aww.” The point is, the game shouldn’t be more important than her feelings or spending time with her. Especially if this is a social activity she participates in particularly because she wants to be with you and your friends. Don’t be a dick. ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/73 "2010-08-21T19:10:17Z")
A good relationship is based on communication. It seems obvious she doesn’t appreciate the game but feels left out. If it’s a weekly event that cuts heavily into the time available for a relationship. There needs to be a conversation regarding her desire to play the game versus her desire to be with you/friends. I’d think a game once a month without her would be more realistic or weekly games that are not in prime time. ---
**Author:** ![Reply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reply/32/15952_2.png) [@Reply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reply)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/74 "2010-08-21T19:17:33Z")
> [@Kobal2](#): > > > [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > > > If she dies in every encounter in a real D&D session I can’t see her lasting long in Baldur’s Gate. > > > > Edit: I’m also betting she isn’t a gamer and wouldn’t be terribly interested in playing a computer game. > > Yeah, BG2 was a bit more forgiving in the “get stomped by a random dire wolf out of fucking nowhere” department. That being said, BG 1&2 used D&D 2nd ed rules, which are hopelessly outdated at this point. > If she wants to figure out the rules to modern D&D by the gentle, forgiving and patient proxy of a computer game, I’d suggest Neverwinter Nights 2 (or Icewind Dale 2 if she’s adamant on Baldur’s engine, for some reason ;)). If she primarily enjoys combat, Dungeons & Dragons Online might be worth checking out. Heck, you can all play with her… for free. But if you’re playing 4E, switching to 3.5E games might make it even more complicated. ---
**Author:** ![Reply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reply/32/15952_2.png) [@Reply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reply)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/75 "2010-08-21T19:20:09Z")
> [@matt\_mcl](#): > > My D&D group currently consists of three girls (one high femme and two kind of butchy girls who nevertheless love, and look amazing in, busty medieval gowns) and two gay guys. > [@zweisamkeit](#): > > I play D&D and I’m a girl in a D&D group that’s majority female. While I have fun and enjoy gaming, I also have a lot of interest in shoes, makeup and fashion (just to show interests that are usually the polar opposite of the typical gamer). > [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > > [@Reply](#): > > > > Really? > > In my experience, really. However, I don’t game with teens, as a rule. I screen the group and DM before I even think of joining. My OWN kid is over 30…I don’t want to deal with teens again. So probably I should say, gamers over the age of about 22 are likely to have a girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse, just as nongamers of that age are. I’ve met a few people over that age who are obsessed with games, especially FRPGs, but then there are people who are obsessed with other things as well. > > Oh, and thirding Munchkin. It’s a lot of fun, and the rules are much, much shorter. Neat. If I can find a diverse group like that around here, I might start playing again. ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2010, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/76 "2010-08-21T23:23:48Z")
> [@Khaki\_Campbell](#): > > > [@Ellen\_Cherry](#): > > > > **Khaki Campbell** please do not enter a thread solely to post a nasty comment; we call that threadshitting. Don’t do it again. > > > > **Ellen Cherry > > IMHO Moderator** > > Meh. Being appalled at immaturity in a D&D game is like being shocked at burps and vomit and wooohooos at a frat party. > > But anyway. My apologies to the geek/nerd sturmstaffel. When you ignore a moderators instructions, you get a warning. So consider yourself officially warned. Stop it and stop it now. **Ellen Cherry IMHO Moderator** ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2010, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/77 "2010-08-23T12:51:42Z")
First, thanks to everyone who responded with their advice. One thing that I didn’t mention in my OP (and I can’t believe I left this out) was that I have talked to her about it at length. So has everyone else in the group. All talking has led to is frustration on both sides. Last Friday, I said to her, “Well, we just arrived in a major city and are free to do what we wish for a few days. Why don’t you go seek out a pit fight or some type a gladiatorial combat? You may even make some money.” Her response was, “I didn’t know I could do that.” I told her that our campaign is very roleplaying-intensive and she would probably have more fun in a campaign with heavier fighting. She agreed. We’re trying our best with her. Going on some advice in this thread, the DM and I are going to put her in a situation that she cannot waffle on or duck out of. If she doesn’t enjoy that, then it’s plainly obvious that D&D isn’t her thing and we’ll try to find another activity we all can get together and do. The DM said he can’t put any more energy into designing plot points that she’s simply not going to investigate. She lives with one of the people in our gaming group and gaming takes place either at their house or mine. It’s not like she’ll never see our friends if she drops from the campaign. By the way, we’re playing version 3.5. Version 4 never happened. NEVER HAPPENED. > [@miss\_elizabeth](#): > > Yeah, maybe the reason she is acting like an immature child is because you treat her like one. Try talking to her as an adult and a partner. Who said she’s acting like an immature child? Sounds like you’ve got an axe to grind. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2010, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/78 "2010-08-23T13:13:33Z")
> [@Tahssa](#): > > [small hi-jack] > > Ok since the OP hasn’t come back in to comment on my post and I don’t think it merits a new thread then I have a question. > > Is it ok for two people to play as one character? > > [/small hi-jack] That would depend on the GM mostly. I’ve seen people do it where it was a parent with a small child, for example. I’ve also seen “extracted” rulebooks (just the tables). And most of the games I’ve had did not involve every table and rule. One of the reasons we loved MERP when we discovered it is that, while its list of skills was a lot longer than for 1st Ed (not longer than the ones I’ve seen in newer editions of DnD), the actual mechanics were simpler. I don’t think I’d be able to immerse myself on the game if every single die roll had to be followed by checking which of six possible modifiers apply, but that’s me. I know guys who’ll manage to find decimals on a d4, they tend to be minmaxers. I’ve seen players want to “be a leader” but then not lead. We made it clear that we were happy to have them be the leader, but they had to actually lead, no “oh wait let me think about it” (one of those must be the worst waffler I’ve ever known); their choice did not have to be the best possible one or produce perfect outcomes (with our GMs, perfect outcomes Did Not Happen ever anyway), but they had to happen fast. At some point we got so tired of Waffleman taking so long for anything that we started playing with one of those 1-min hourglasses (ehr, minuteglass in this case I guess); each player had 1min to say what (s)he did, then we all rolled our rolls. Maybe the girl in question would be happy playing a bodyguard or something similar, where her character gets to kick ass but isn’t particularly required to do much else beyond look threatening. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2010, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/79 "2010-08-23T13:42:39Z")
> [@Khaki\_Campbell](#): > > > [@miss\_elizabeth](#): > > > > Yeah, maybe the reason she is acting like an immature child is because you treat her like one. Try talking to her as an adult and a partner. > > She’s acting immature ? No surprise. After all, they play childish, make-believe games. ^^^This. @ OP - realize this girl must really like you to put up with your 10 year old activities. If you care about her even in the slightest way, definitely have your friend kill her off and let her move on. She’ll be better off in the end. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2010, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877/80 "2010-08-23T19:30:18Z")
It’s odd how many stereotypes about D&D players, that I previously thought were kind of unfair are being confirmed in this thread. That someone loves or cares for a D&D player enough to try and participate, and is then criticized for insufficient attentiveness to what _most_ humans would consider a mind numbingly boring game, and an extraordinarily tedious way to pass the time, is interesting. Good for you if you love D&D, but for most people it’s the inverse of a good time. It’s entertainment kryptonite. A trip to the dentist would be more amusing. If you cared about her you’d try to structure some socializing with your buds that doesn’t involve an activity that most normal people find repellent. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-isnt-enjoying-d-d-is-this-fix-a-wretched-thing-to-do/550877.md?page=5)