# My girlfriend still lives with her ex... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 30, 2005, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761 "2005-12-30T20:11:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![nuke8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbce88/32.png) [@nuke8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nuke8)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/1 "2005-12-30T20:11:28Z")
How long do I wait before I give up on her moving out? She has been attempting to get out for months now and run into some challenges but am I wrong in insisting she stop living with a man she professes not to love, doesn’t have any feelings for any longer and actively despises? We have been serious for about 8 months now and I don’t want to sacrifice what amounts to the best love of my life but I just can’t get past the fact that she goes home to another man. Ultimatums don’t work and I am now hoping to let faith guide me. I love this woman with all my heart and can’t stand the thought of loosing her but this is becoming unbearable. ---
**Author:** ![dolphinboy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dolphinboy/32/330_2.png) [@dolphinboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dolphinboy)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/2 "2005-12-30T20:13:00Z")
Perpare to move over to IMHO… there is no factual answer possible here. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/3 "2005-12-30T20:17:58Z")
Hmmm…are they challenges or excuses? What are some of the problems she’s come up against that have prevented her from moving out? ---
**Author:** ![Debaser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3da27b/32.png) [@Debaser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Debaser)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/4 "2005-12-30T20:18:24Z")
You’ve been serious for eight months now? IMHO, you should giver her an ultimatum: stop living with the ex or end the relationship. Either she should kick him out or she should move out, but there isn’t any excuse to keep living with someone that you no longer have a relationship with. ---
**Author:** ![CynicalGabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3e96dc/32.png) [@CynicalGabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CynicalGabe)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/5 "2005-12-30T20:20:02Z")
There is an important distinction here. Is she living with him, or “living” with him? ---
**Author:** ![nuke8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbce88/32.png) [@nuke8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nuke8)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/6 "2005-12-30T20:20:17Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > Hmmm…are they challenges or excuses? What are some of the problems she’s come up against that have prevented her from moving out? She had plans to move in with a friend fall through at the last minute. I think she is scared of him to a degree and am trying to allay those fears by telling her that she can count on me to protect her. ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/7 "2005-12-30T20:23:44Z")
I would say you have already waited long enough. You need to have a talk with her, and lay out she has to make up her mind. If you’ve been serious for 8 months, how long were you just screwing around? ---
**Author:** ![malkavia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malkavia/32/5621_2.png) [@malkavia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/malkavia)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/8 "2005-12-30T20:24:00Z")
Is he aware that she is in a relationship with you? Have you met him? Does he make you uncomfortable? There are reasons that two adults who are no longer in a relationship would continue to live together as roomates (financial, usually), but ultimately if it’s affecting your relationship something has got to give. ---
**Author:** ![nuke8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbce88/32.png) [@nuke8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nuke8)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/9 "2005-12-30T20:27:03Z")
> [@CynicalGabe](#): > > There is an important distinction here. Is she living with him, or “living” with him? She is not attracted to him in any way and he is more or less a domesticated pussy cat. He acts as if they are an old married couple and he there fore pays her little mind. In essence he ignores her and their relationship is relocated to roommate but it is the fact that he doesn’t know about me and somehow thinks he can still order her around that frustrates me. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![malkavia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malkavia/32/5621_2.png) [@malkavia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/malkavia)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/10 "2005-12-30T20:30:31Z")
> [@nuke8](#): > > \*\*but it is the fact that he doesn’t know about me \*\*and somehow thinks he can still order her around that frustrates me. :mad: (bolding mine) RUN! ---
**Author:** ![Susie\_Derkins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47774/32.png) [@Susie\_Derkins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Susie_Derkins)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/11 "2005-12-30T20:31:07Z")
Why doesn’t he know about you? If she is free to persue a relationship with you, then there is no need to keep it a secret. It sounds as if he doesn’t even know they’ve broken up. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/12 "2005-12-30T20:35:18Z")
> [@nuke8](#): > > She is not attracted to him in any way and he is more or less a domesticated pussy cat. He acts as if they are an old married couple and he there fore pays her little mind. In essence he ignores her and their relationship is relocated to roommate but it is the fact that he doesn’t know about me and somehow thinks he can still order her around that frustrates me. :mad: Whoa…and he doesn’t even _know_ about you? Call me a cynic, but your situation isn’t looking too favorable here. ---
**Author:** ![samclem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9a28c/32.png) [@samclem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/samclem)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/13 "2005-12-30T20:37:25Z")
General Questions is for questions which have nice, neat factual answers. You just need some input on this one, so off to MPSIMS. **samclem** GQ moderator ---
**Author:** ![nuke8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbce88/32.png) [@nuke8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nuke8)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/14 "2005-12-30T20:41:12Z")
It just seems that so much in a relationship is dependent on trust that I feel because of other extenuating circumstances in her life (financial) that I owe it to us to be patient a bit longer. I am fresh out of a 10 year dead end marriage and only a wee bit scared of being alone 😕 but don’t want to push too hard and loose her. Maybe I am just a :wally ---
**Author:** ![nuke8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbce88/32.png) [@nuke8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nuke8)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/15 "2005-12-30T20:45:01Z")
Rookie mistake. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/16 "2005-12-30T20:46:00Z")
No, you’re not a putz, but if I were you, I would have a heart-to-heart talk with her, and set a date as to when you’d expect her to be out of there. Not telling him rings major alarm bells in my mind. Either she’s a (semi-?)abused woman (mentally/emotionally, and scared of what he’ll do if she tells him) in which case it’d probably be best for her to deal with those issues pronto, or she’s using him and you, and lying to you both. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/17 "2005-12-30T20:46:36Z")
Why can’t she move in with you, then, if her problem is financial? If you are not willing to live with her right now, but you want to continue the relationship, and the only reason she won’t move out is financial then that seems to be the only way you can make it work. I dated a guy who was living with his ex when I met him, because of lease issues. I flat out told him we wouldn’t be able to see eachother other than as friends until he was able to move out because the whole situation made me feel icky. He agreed, it was cool. We picked things up when he got his own place. ---
**Author:** ![DeVena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/dec6dc/32.png) [@DeVena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeVena)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/18 "2005-12-30T20:47:00Z")
Wait a second… If he doesn’t know about you, how do you know he’s only her room mate? Because that’s what she’s telling you. She who seems to want to have her cake and eat it too. How much of the living expenses are coming out of his pocket? What makes you sure you’re not the “other man” here? ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/19 "2005-12-30T20:47:51Z")
> [@nuke8](#): > > She is not attracted to him in any way and he is more or less a domesticated pussy cat. He acts as if they are an old married couple and he there fore pays her little mind. In essence he ignores her and their relationship is relocated to roommate but it is the fact that he doesn’t know about me and somehow thinks he can still order her around that frustrates me. :mad: It sounds to me like she hasn’t dropped the bomb yet. This is definitely time for a talk. She has to live honestly or you have to say goodbye. You will not like how it ends, otherwise. You may not anyway, of course. ---
**Author:** ![spingears](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ebca7d/32.png) [@spingears](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spingears)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/20 "2005-12-30T20:50:45Z")
My girlfriend still lives with her ex… > [@nuke8](#): > > I love this woman with all my heart and can’t stand the thought of loosing her but this is becoming unbearable. Prepare to die! She’s gone. Where do you think this woman’s priorities really are. You are 2nd fiddle at best, maybe 3rd or 4th. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761.md?page=2)