# My girlfriend still lives with her ex... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 30, 2005, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761 "2005-12-30T20:11:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/21 "2005-12-30T20:50:47Z")
There are issues here that you cannot control. There are also some big fat red flags for you; don’t ignore them. If she fears the ex, they have an abusive relationship. You can find out where the local sources are for domestic violence help, **but you cannot make her go.** If she’s afraid of a new commitment with you, there’s not much you can do about that. You can wait for her to commit, or you can leave her alone. Now, the flags. :eek: If she’s in an abusive relationship, it might be a pattern with her. If so, and you’re not that kinda guy, you may not offer enough chaos to satisfy that part of her psyche. Until she gets it together, she might not ever be happy with you or any decent man. She’s living with one man and seriously fooling around with another now. How’s it going to be when you’re the guy she’s living with? ---
**Author:** ![nuke8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbce88/32.png) [@nuke8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nuke8)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/22 "2005-12-30T20:55:52Z")
> [@Ferret Herder](#): > > Either she’s a (semi-?)abused woman (mentally/emotionally, and scared of what he’ll do if she tells him) in which case it’d probably be best for her to deal with those issues pronto, or she’s using him and you, and lying to you both. Most definitely the first option. She is scared and been hurt in the past so an aggressive front from me has an ill effect on her. I feel like I need to support her because we both have so much riding on this relationship. ---
**Author:** ![nuke8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbce88/32.png) [@nuke8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nuke8)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/23 "2005-12-30T20:58:25Z")
I have 3 kids. She has none. Nuff said methinks. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/24 "2005-12-30T21:00:21Z")
> [@nuke8](#): > > I am fresh out of a 10 year dead end marriage and only a wee bit scared of being alone… If you’re coming out of a bad marriage, you owe it to yourself, and to anyone you might want to hook up with in the future, to learn how to live alone for a while. Any relationship that begins within a year of a major previous relationship ending is doomed to failure. ---
**Author:** ![nuke8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbce88/32.png) [@nuke8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nuke8)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/25 "2005-12-30T21:01:06Z")
> [@DeVena](#): > > What makes you sure you’re not the “other man” here? Blind faith in love. I would rather charge headlong into disaster than stand by and be run over by contempt. If I can’t trust the word of a woman I love than I deserve to be played but in reality she isn’t that kind of person. I have been around the block before, been played like a two-bit fiddle but I don’t see that in her. She is too pure of heart. ---
**Author:** ![nuke8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbce88/32.png) [@nuke8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nuke8)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/26 "2005-12-30T21:02:19Z")
> [@spingears](#): > > My girlfriend still lives with her ex… > Prepare to die! She’s gone. > Where do you think this woman’s priorities really are. > You are 2nd fiddle at best, maybe 3rd or 4th. Ouch! ☹ ---
**Author:** ![nuke8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbce88/32.png) [@nuke8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nuke8)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/27 "2005-12-30T21:15:40Z")
> [@AskNott](#): > > She’s living with one man and seriously fooling around with another now. How’s it going to be when you’re the guy she’s living with? That is my fear…that of the unknown truth. I can only have faith and pray. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/28 "2005-12-30T21:20:33Z")
> [@nuke8](#): > > Blind faith in love. Well, then, your solution is obvious. First, you go to a jeweller and buy a nice ring… ---
**Author:** ![nuke8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbce88/32.png) [@nuke8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nuke8)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/29 "2005-12-30T21:30:33Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > learn how to live alone for a while. Any relationship that begins within a year of a major previous relationship ending is doomed to failure. I wonder where I can learn that? Do you think they offer courses on the internet? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Translucent\_Daydream](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/translucent_daydream/32/16170_2.png) [@Translucent\_Daydream](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Translucent_Daydream)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/30 "2005-12-30T21:36:21Z")
I hope I am wrong **nuke8** , but it seems that you are going to get hosed in this relationship bro. Sounds like this is a setting sun… ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Translucent\_Daydream](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/translucent_daydream/32/16170_2.png) [@Translucent\_Daydream](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Translucent_Daydream)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/31 "2005-12-30T21:38:43Z")
I didn’t mean to post that yet. It really seems like you are needing the _idea_ of her, not needing her as she is. I learned that if there is a void in your life, trying to find/keep someone to fill it up never works out. You have to fill your own voids. [Pink Floyd] Was it love, or was it the idea of being in love? [/Pink Floyd] ---
**Author:** ![nuke8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbce88/32.png) [@nuke8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nuke8)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/32 "2005-12-30T21:43:04Z")
[QUOTE=Translucent Daydream] Was it love, or was it the idea of being in love? What is the difference? How do you know? ---
**Author:** ![Caffeine.addict](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f475e1/32.png) [@Caffeine.addict](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caffeine.addict)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/33 "2005-12-30T21:49:57Z")
> [@nuke8](#): > > Blind faith in love. I would rather charge headlong into disaster than stand by and be run over by contempt. If I can’t trust the word of a woman I love than I deserve to be played but in reality she isn’t that kind of person. I have been around the block before, been played like a two-bit fiddle but I don’t see that in her. She is too pure of heart. So why hasn’t she told the fellow that she is living with that she is seeing you? Why hasn’t she moved out yet? ---
**Author:** ![Translucent\_Daydream](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/translucent_daydream/32/16170_2.png) [@Translucent\_Daydream](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Translucent_Daydream)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/34 "2005-12-30T21:53:00Z")
You don’t! That is what makes it such a pain in the ass! But seriously, you can tell if you really think/talk to someone (maybe professional) if you are trying to fill some void instead. I know becuase it happened to me. It sucks really really bad when I finally had to come to terms that the lady wouldn’t meet me in the middle, which for you I would suppose is for her to move out of her hopefully-real-ex’s pad. If she won’t… If she is as serious about you as you are about her, she should be able to do SOMETHING. And if she was/is being abused, it isn’t your job to come in and fix everything. I used to try to do that too. I would put on the SuperDan cape and try to fix everyone. Abusing someone is learned behavior. Being repeatedly abused is learned as well. You can’t make the right decisions for people unfortunately. You already have three children, right? You don’t need to have a fourth. Maybe it is time for her to pony up? You are the only one that knows the rumblings in your heart, but I would stress to you like I would one of my running buddies here in North Texas: Make sure you aren’t using the idea of her to fill some absence in your life. Absences in your life are always caused by you, so other people can’t fix them and they will always remain. The best of luck to you, I really hope this works out exactly how you want it to. It never did for me. ---
**Author:** ![nuke8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbce88/32.png) [@nuke8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nuke8)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/35 "2005-12-30T21:55:55Z")
> [@brujo](#): > > So why hasn’t she told the fellow that she is living with that she is seeing you? Why hasn’t she moved out yet? Fear of the unknown. Here check out my LJ post for my perspective on this puzzling affliction. [Fear](http://www.livejournal.com/users/nucleus88/) ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/36 "2005-12-30T22:02:31Z")
> [@nuke8](#): > > I wonder where I can learn that? Do you think they offer courses on the internet? 😃 You learn to live alone by living alone. ---
**Author:** ![nuke8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbce88/32.png) [@nuke8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nuke8)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/37 "2005-12-30T22:06:53Z")
Aptly put my friend. I must confess I was skeptical about airing dirty laundry to the world but herein lies some useful dope for sure! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![imthjckaz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/imthjckaz/32/3223_2.png) [@imthjckaz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/imthjckaz)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/38 "2005-12-30T22:09:48Z")
> [@nuke8](#): > > Blind faith in love. I would rather charge headlong into disaster than stand by and be run over by contempt. If I can’t trust the word of a woman I love than I deserve to be played but in reality she isn’t that kind of person. I have been around the block before, been played like a two-bit fiddle but I don’t see that in her. She is too pure of heart. Man, you are setting yourself up for some serious heartbreak. The fact that her _ex_ doesn’t even know that you exist should be sounding bells and whisltes in your head. Take this advice: > [@malkavia](#): > > RUN! ---
**Author:** ![Caffeine.addict](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f475e1/32.png) [@Caffeine.addict](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caffeine.addict)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/39 "2005-12-30T22:10:42Z")
> [@](#): > > Fear of the unknown. Here check out my LJ post for my perspective on this puzzling affliction. Fear of the unknown is not a good reason for living with someone whom you don’t love, especially when you are in a relationship with someone else. Do you love her or the idea of her? What is the longest time, you have spent not in a relationship? ---
**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/40 "2005-12-30T23:20:02Z")
Some serious question you have to ask yourself: –Is she still romantically involved with her “ex”? As in, is she sleeping with both of you? If no, are you SURE? If yes, this is not a safe situation for you, health-wise or emotionally. Run. –Why can’t she afford her own place? Doesn’t she work? If not, who’s going to pay the bills when she moves out? If he’s paying for everything right now, this could be a big motivating factor in why she’s staying with him. –What makes you think she’s in an abusive relationship with her ex? If he’s just a “domesticated pussy cat” who ignores her, then why is she so scared of him? Something’s not jibing here. Is it possible that she’s telling you she’s scared of him to justify not moving out? –Don’t kid yourself about purity of heart. Living with a man who doesn’t know that she’s seeing another man is, by definition, in complete opposition to the concept of purity of heart. Think about it for a second. Not really kosher, and you wouldn’t like it if it was done to you. You don’t have to like her ex, but it would be nice to treat him as you’d like to be treated if the roles were reversed. I hate to say this, but I think you’re in for some heart break, man. I could be wrong, and I often am, but there are too many red flags here. Try living alone for a while. It’s quite good for you, once you get past the fear. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761.md?page=3)