# My girlfriend still lives with her ex... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 30, 2005, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761 "2005-12-30T20:11:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![nuke8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbce88/32.png) [@nuke8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nuke8)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/41 "2005-12-30T23:35:15Z")
> [@brujo](#): > > Fear of the unknown is not a good reason for living with someone whom you don’t love, especially when you are in a relationship with someone else. > > Do you love her or the idea of her? What is the longest time, you have spent not in a relationship? Apparently not long enough but IMHO life without love may be like life without oxygen. While there are scientific ways to exist without it I am not sure I want to give it a try. ---
**Author:** ![nuke8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbce88/32.png) [@nuke8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nuke8)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/42 "2005-12-30T23:37:29Z")
> [@imthjckaz](#): > > Man, you are setting yourself up for some serious heartbreak. > The fact that her _ex_ doesn’t even know that you exist should be sounding bells and whisltes in your head. > Take this advice: Yeah but aren’t we always? I think the difference in my situation is that I have to source of the potential heartbreak identified versus the poor schlubs that get blind sided. Or is ignorance truly bliss? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![nuke8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbce88/32.png) [@nuke8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nuke8)\ **Post date:** [December 30, 2005, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/43 "2005-12-30T23:47:17Z")
> [@Rubystreak](#): > > Some serious question you have to ask yourself: > > –Is she still romantically involved with her “ex”? As in, is she sleeping with both of you? If no, are you SURE? If yes, this is not a safe situation for you, health-wise or emotionally. Run. > > –Why can’t she afford her own place? Doesn’t she work? If not, who’s going to pay the bills when she moves out? If he’s paying for everything right now, this could be a big motivating factor in why she’s staying with him. > > –What makes you think she’s in an abusive relationship with her ex? If he’s just a “domesticated pussy cat” who ignores her, then why is she so scared of him? Something’s not jibing here. Is it possible that she’s telling you she’s scared of him to justify not moving out? > > –Don’t kid yourself about purity of heart. Living with a man who doesn’t know that she’s seeing another man is, by definition, in complete opposition to the concept of purity of heart. Think about it for a second. Not really kosher, and you wouldn’t like it if it was done to you. You don’t have to like her ex, but it would be nice to treat him as you’d like to be treated if the roles were reversed. > > I hate to say this, but I think you’re in for some heart break, man. I could be wrong, and I often am, but there are too many red flags here. Try living alone for a while. It’s quite good for you, once you get past the fear. You are right on a number of points and I think I may have misspoke on the domesticated pussy cat thing. What I meant was he is playing meat and potatoes Ward Cleaver and expecting her to succumb to his whim. He is mostly verbally abusive but has gone so far as to get physical (luckily for him not within the past 8 months). The funny thing is I think she weaned herself out of the relationship emotionally over a few years than because of some financial difficulty just resigned herself to playing along. She vows to me that she has not been intimate with him and I believe her. Their living arraignment is largely benign but it is the fact that she hasn’t been able to out the truth that looms heavy over my trusting heart. ---
**Author:** ![A.R.Cane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ee7513/32.png) [@A.R.Cane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/A.R.Cane)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2005, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/44 "2005-12-31T00:00:07Z")
Twixter is exactly right. You apparently believe that you are incomplete w/o a SO. That’s very immature, but you have lots of company. The world is full of people who endure bad relationships, because they think they can’t bear to be alone. There are others who go through a long series of bad relationships for the same reason. You learn to live alone by living alone, unless you obsess about someone while you do it, it doesn’t take long getting used to. You will quickly learn a lot about yourself and it is very rewarding. You’ll also stop falling for people who show a passing interest in you. Grow up, think about yourself and your relationship w/ your kids. Find other interests and don’t make yourself available when this woman chooses to need you. She may decide she really wants to be w/ you and do what it takes, or she may lose interest when she realizes that your not going to be at her beck and call. Either way you’ll be much better of. ---
**Author:** ![Caffeine.addict](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f475e1/32.png) [@Caffeine.addict](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caffeine.addict)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2005, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/45 "2005-12-31T04:55:42Z")
I got to tell you that there are far worse things than being alone. Being trapped in a relationship which isn’t healthy is a lot worse. Just out of curiousity, how old are all the parties involved? Also, does she work? Are there children involved? ---
**Author:** ![Caffeine.addict](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f475e1/32.png) [@Caffeine.addict](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caffeine.addict)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2005, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/46 "2005-12-31T04:57:59Z")
Sorry, I missed your answer where you said that you have three kids and she has none? ---
**Author:** ![Good\_Egg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/96bed5/32.png) [@Good\_Egg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Good_Egg)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2005, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/47 "2005-12-31T05:09:02Z")
> [@nuke8](#): > > It just seems that so much in a relationship is dependent on trust that I feel because of other extenuating circumstances in her life (financial) that I owe it to us to be patient a bit longer. I am fresh out of a 10 year dead end marriage and only a wee bit scared of being alone 😕 but don’t want to push too hard and loose her. Maybe I am just a :wally Hold on. Your OP states you have been serious with her for 8 months. How fresh out of that marriage are you? it sounds like you started seeing her immediately after your marriage broke up. Not good. You need at least a year (usually) to get right with yourself before embarking on another relationship. We all don’t know her, but something smells fishy to me if she hasn’t told him about her having a love. Does she not have any relatives to live with? ---
**Author:** ![Canadiangirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Canadiangirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Canadiangirl)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2005, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/48 "2005-12-31T18:32:11Z")
Count me in on the “run” comment. Not worth it, for your safety, sanity and, plus, you just plain old deserve better. Like my mom used to say “put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel?” Doesn’t matter what’s going on, or for that matter, isn’t however there are waaayy too many people in this relationship for you. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2005, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/49 "2005-12-31T19:15:17Z")
> [@nuke8](#): > > I think the difference in my situation is that I have to source of the potential heartbreak identified versus the poor schlubs that get blind sided. You’re never really prepared for how much it will hurt and devastate you when the house of cards collapses. “Nuke, I’m pregnant and it’s his.” “Nuke, I’m moving out, but it’s with a[nother] guy who I didn’t tell **you** about.” “Nuke, I finally told him about you and he’s coming over here with a tire iron.” Or even if it’s just, “Nuke, I’m sorry but I’m going to give him another chance,” you won’t have been prepared. ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2005, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/50 "2005-12-31T19:57:10Z")
So, what happens when, a few years down the road, after she’s finally moved in with you and the other fellow is left in the dust, and she decides she’s no longer in love with _you_? Then you will be the guy she’s “still living with”, who doesn’t yet realise he’s been dumped, and she’s off with some new guy in her spare time. “Oh,” you might say. “That won’t happen to me. She’s in love with me. I treat her better than that last guy.” Whatever helps you sleep at night. But just remember, at one point in time, she was head over heels for this last guy, too, enough to move in with him. She could be convincing herself that it wasn’t really that great, even if it was, to help ease her guilt over what she’s doing. You only know what she’s telling you, and you claim that she’s pure, but if she was, she would have told the other guy by now. You’re only seeing in her what you _want_ to see. And that’s not fair to anybody in this situation. I’m very, very sorry. I’m telling you this because _I was that girl once_. And **nobody** wins. Even when you think things are finally going your way, they won’t be. My advice is to run now, before things get even more complicated. Because, you see, in a situation like this, when everyone keeps holding on to what they want the most, it doesn’t end until everybody, and I mean _everybody_, loses. Everybody is left with a broken heart - him, her, and you. She won’t be able to grow up until the whole house of cards she built falls down. When it falls down, and you’re in it, she’s not going to want anything to do with you. You will save yourself a lot of heartbreak if you run now. If you choose not to heed my advice, which, you’re an adult, you can make your own decisions, you may gleefully rub my face in your happy marriage of 10/20/30 years to your lovely wife. But if I were the betting type, I’d feel pretty safe in betting against that happening. I’m so sorry. ☹ I hope whatever happens is for the best of everyone involved, even your girl. I don’t think she’s bad, but she does have a lot to learn. And it’s going to be a very painful lesson when she does. I hope the best for her. I survived mine and came out great in the end, as did the other two. But there is no life with either of them now - even friendship is out of the question. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![nuke8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbce88/32.png) [@nuke8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nuke8)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2005, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/51 "2005-12-31T21:48:47Z")
> [@Anastasaeon](#): > > So, what happens when, a few years down the road, after she’s finally moved in with you and the other fellow is left in the dust, and she decides she’s no longer in love with _you_? Then you will be the guy she’s “still living with”, who doesn’t yet realise he’s been dumped, and she’s off with some new guy in her spare time. Don’t think that thought hasn’t crossed my mind, it has. However I lead with my heart because that is all I know. If that means I am liable to have it broken harder than that is the risk I seem compelled to take. _“Now I know I have a heart, because it’s breaking”_ - The Tin Man. ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2005, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/52 "2005-12-31T21:57:39Z")
Naturally, you have every right to do as you please. I’m just a little confused as to why you would ask for advice, and then try to tell us why you aren’t going to listen to any of it. I _do_ wish you luck. I do hope what you want works out for you. But if it does, indeed, blow up in your face, which I hope it doesn’t but feel it may, I hope you are stronger and better for it. Please take good care of yourself, no matter what happens. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![nuke8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbce88/32.png) [@nuke8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nuke8)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2005, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/53 "2005-12-31T22:17:47Z")
> [@Anastasaeon](#): > > Naturally, you have every right to do as you please. I’m just a little confused as to why you would ask for advice, and then try to tell us why you aren’t going to listen to any of it. > > I _do_ wish you luck. I do hope what you want works out for you. But if it does, indeed, blow up in your face, which I hope it doesn’t but feel it may, I hope you are stronger and better for it. Please take good care of yourself, no matter what happens. 🙂 Please don’t misread my fortitude as dismissal of the advice. I am still trying to digest it all. I do appreciate everyone’s candor and diverse experiences. I think that is what makes this message board and others of its kind so useful. I wouldn’t have posted my question if I wasn’t debating these issues myself and if I wanted people to just pat me on the back and say don’t worry than I would have just paid someone to be my yes man for the day. I DO value your input. I am just not sure how to proceed. ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2005, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/54 "2005-12-31T22:41:24Z")
> [@nuke8](#): > > Please don’t misread my fortitude as dismissal of the advice. I am still trying to digest it all. I do appreciate everyone’s candor and diverse experiences. I think that is what makes this message board and others of its kind so useful. I wouldn’t have posted my question if I wasn’t debating these issues myself and if I wanted people to just pat me on the back and say don’t worry than I would have just paid someone to be my yes man for the day. > I DO value your input. I am just not sure how to proceed. Ah, then I did originally misunderstand. Again, my original good wishes remain - it’s not an easy situation no matter how you cut it. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![dietmountaindewster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/eb9ed0/32.png) [@dietmountaindewster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dietmountaindewster)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2005, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/55 "2005-12-31T22:48:13Z")
> [@nuke8](#): > > Don’t think that thought hasn’t crossed my mind, it has. However I lead with my heart because that is all I know. If that means I am liable to have it broken harder than that is the risk I seem compelled to take. > > _“Now I know I have a heart, because it’s breaking”_ - The Tin Man. With all due respect, then prepare to have it torn out, spit on, and thrown on the floor. If she REALLY wanted out of living with her ex-boyfriend, then she would have gotten out a long time ago. ---
**Author:** ![Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/46a35a/32.png) [@Tim\_T-Bonham.net](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tim_T-Bonham.net)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2006, 9:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/56 "2006-01-01T09:16:16Z")
Maybe you just haven’t thought to mention it in this thread, but one thing jumps out at me: **What about the kids** in this situation? I’d be a lot more concerned about my own kids than some woman who seems to be two-timing and lying to _both_ you and the other man. ---
**Author:** ![A.R.Cane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ee7513/32.png) [@A.R.Cane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/A.R.Cane)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2006, 10:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/57 "2006-01-01T10:28:26Z")
> [@t-bonham@scc.net](#): > > Maybe you just haven’t thought to mention it in this thread, but one thing jumps out at me: > **What about the kids** in this situation? > > I’d be a lot more concerned about my own kids than some woman who seems to be two-timing and lying to _both_ you and the other man. Exactly! Nuke8 needs to step back and seriously reevaluate his priorities. Do what is right for yourself and the children, quit obsessing over this love affair. If it happens as you think you want, good, but if it doesn’t you still need to take care of yourself and your children. You are the one who has made this the end all and be all of your life, you need a serious attitude check. If you begin to move away from this woman, emotionally and physically, she will either realize it’s time to make a decision, or she will continue to equivocate and you will eventually end it. ---
**Author:** ![nuke8](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbce88/32.png) [@nuke8](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nuke8)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2006, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/58 "2006-01-01T14:08:40Z")
> [@A.R. Cane](#): > > Exactly! Nuke8 needs to step back and seriously reevaluate his priorities. Do what is > right for yourself and the children, quit obsessing over this love affair. If it happens as > you think you want, good, but if it doesn’t you still need to take care of yourself and > your children. You are the one who has made this the end all and be all of your life, > you need a serious attitude check. > If you begin to move away from this woman, emotionally and physically, she will > either realize it’s time to make a decision, or she will continue to equivocate and you > will eventually end it. While there is a little truth in what you and T-Bonham wrote and while I do truly appreciate your sentiment it is clear that I have failed to explain that they are my highest priority. They fulfill my life with such joy and wonder however the emotional level that craves companionship with a woman is not (nor ever could be) satisfied by that interaction. I have my kids every other week and during that time they are all I am worried about. This thread is about what to do with my girlfriend situation. I have the children thing under as much control as my STBX wife will allow. …but thanks again for your concern, it is a fair point to raise. ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2006, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/59 "2006-01-01T14:51:41Z")
> [@nuke8](#): > > What I meant was he is playing meat and potatoes Ward Cleaver and expecting her to succumb to his whim. He is mostly verbally abusive but has gone so far as to get physical (luckily for him not within the past 8 months). I was going to state a reason why this co-habitation, and her ex doens’t know about you _might_ be OK (under certain circumstances), but your post above changes that. After reading that you have to consider not only is he a abuser, but **she is a abusee**. These people somewho seem to find each other. I know this is going to sound like blame the victom, but for whatever reason she may have a tendency to seak out such relationships, which mean that you may not be able to give her everything that she needs and she will seak it elsewhere. > [@](#): > > man she professes not to love, doesn’t have any feelings for any longer and actively despises? Another red flag, actively despises does not equal ‘no longer any feelings for’ The opposite of love is closer to appathy then anger. My suggestion is try to get a councler, hopefully she will agree to go, and this will be the big test if you can work things out. Good luck ---
**Author:** ![A.R.Cane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ee7513/32.png) [@A.R.Cane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/A.R.Cane)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2006, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761/60 "2006-01-01T15:08:05Z")
I agree w/ kanicbird, I believe that the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. Nuke8, I wasn’t trying to imply that you are neglecting your children. Your posts imply that your thoughts, and your daily life, pretty much revolve around wanting this woman. That’s a big mistake. Rather than focusing on her and thinking about ultimatums, or other ways of forcing her to make a choice, get involved in things that have nothing to do w/ her or dating, or romance. These little dramas tend to take on a life of their own and when they do come to a conclusion it’s often very anticlimactic. That’s especially true if you win the day. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-girlfriend-still-lives-with-her-ex/337761.md?page=4)