# my guidelines for the perfect man
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [July 25, 2003, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920 "2003-07-25T17:11:57Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Merla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merla)
#### Post date: [July 25, 2003, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/1 "2003-07-25T17:11:57Z")
I’m fairly new at this game called love- or at least the game called dating. But I’m tired of guys that annoy me, are rude to me, are morons, or dump me for other women. I decided to do something completely pointless and sit down and write all the things that would make a man perfect. So I wrote- and wrote- a little too much, I kept writing until I had more than a page. I figured out that if a man would follow all the guidelines on this list, he would be ideal. I know I’m asking WAY too much for anyone to follow all of these- but I think some guys could at least try to follow at least HALF of them. Men- if any of you comply to all of these guidelines, I’m the woman for you!
Men dopers, take the time to read these. They might benefit you.
Women dopers: do any of you agree with my guidelines?
Love me unconditionally
Be sensitive- but not TOO sensitive. I want a man who understands my needs, but is macho in emergencies
Don’t be a wimp. Know how to take charge
Be within 3 years of my age. I’m tired of men who are 20 years older than me hitting on me (this has indeed happened)
Don’t be homophobic
Don’t be misogynistic
No druggies
No excessive drinkers. I get along fine without being one, and you can too
Understand that some people have alternative lifestyles
Don’t be a religious extremist- both atheists and evangelists are too extreme
Swear only sparingly
Know how to spell correctly- and know how to take corrections when you are wrong
Never confuse “your” and “you’re” as in, don’t tell me online “your so funny”. It grinds on my nerves.
Have a sense of humor- but not crude humor. In fact, don’t even find crude humor funny
Don’t spit in my presence
If you burp, excuse yourself
Try not to emit so many aromas
Hold open doors for me
Don’t wear your pants down around your knees with your boxers showing
Don’t wear thong underwear. At least not when I’m around
Dress wisely- every girl’s crazy about a sharp dressed man
Never use words like “dick” or “pussy” in my presence. They are rude and gross. Call things what they are, but only if you MUST talk about them
Don’t cringe or grimace whenever I mention a gynocologist appt.
If I am being crabby, I have my reasons. NEVER, EVER ask “is it that time of the month again?”
When I say “nothing” is wrong, it usually means something is. Realize this and inquire further
If you prefer to be vegan or remain Kosher, I’ll respect that. Just don’t try to convert me, I enjoy my red meat and Italian food
Must have a full head of hair. Length doesn’t matter, but it must be lush so I can run my fingers through it
Must have good teeth. There have been astounding advances in the dentistry field
Must be taller than me- since I’m 5’3”, I don’t think this is asking too much
Shower or bathe regularly
Don’t walk around smelling like an old spice truck overturned
No pit stains- deodorant and anti-perspirant are wonderful inventions.
Be understanding when I don’t want to be physical
Know the power of a wink- and use them
Be a good kisser- nothing worse than gagging on someone’s tongue thrust down your throat
But kiss creatively
A peck on the cheek doesn’t mean I want to sleep with you right then and there
Don’t call people “niggers” (excuse the usage here) or “fags”. Doing so is cause for immediate break-uppage
Don’t talk in “gangsta rap”
Don’t watch porn in my presence
Don’t tell me one of your main interests is porn
Don’t try to buy my love
NEVER compare me to another woman. Especially movie stars or someone you have dated before
Don’t tell me my entire town and state is full of shallow, stupid materialistic people (this HAS happened to me)
Love roller coasters as much as I do
Love to travel as much as I do
Must be in good shape. Enjoy going rock climbing and white water rafting with me
Love watermelon
Enjoy just being with me.
Then I figured that while I’ve gone this far, I may as well add some complete fantasy ones:
Know how to ride a horse. It’s romantic- especially the idea of a rescue on horseback
Know the power of simply listening to each other’s heartbeats
Prefer cats to dogs
Be an excellent cook- every man can stand to take a page out of Remington Steele’s book.
Be aware of the environment, but not to the point of extremism
Play a musical instrument- preferably not something weird like the digiridoo or the kazoo
Understand my need for 12 hour beauty sleep
Understand my undying love for Pierce Brosnan, as strange as that is
Like the music I like
Be a good writer. Write me stories that are fabulous
Understand me as a writer. Give me constructive criticism on my pieces
Have a wonderful voice- something I can bask in. Be able to make it both soothing and arousing
Love the ocean as I do
I may as well say it again- love me unconditionally.
So that’s it. I know I’m being too demanding, but oh well. These are the guidelines for the perfect man, not a satisfactory man. I doubt I’ll ever find him. But here are the rules.
Merla
---
### Author:  [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)
#### Post date: [July 25, 2003, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/2 "2003-07-25T17:28:18Z")
What will he get in return? Which ones are deal breakers? Which ones can you negotiate on when he finds you lacking in an area?
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### Author:  [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)
#### Post date: [July 25, 2003, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/3 "2003-07-25T17:33:38Z")
Here I am, love!😃 Come and get me!
I look like a cross between Pierce Brosnan, Alex Baldwin and that kid Demi Moore is shagging.
* * *
_“Lets get them meek bastards **NOW!** ”_
---
### Author:  [@ace22](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ace22)
#### Post date: [July 25, 2003, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/4 "2003-07-25T17:44:11Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Merla \*
> **Have a sense of humor- but not crude humor. In fact, don’t even find crude humor funny
> Don’t spit in my presence**
What do you consider crude? Like, in my opinion early Southpark had its redeeming qualities and would often get a laugh out of me, but I avoid Jackass like the plague.
And hon, if I can’t spit then no dice. It’s my faaaaaaavorite thing to do.
I’m also not a great cook.
And your music sucks! (Just kidding 😛 )
---
### Author:  [@Necros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Necros)
#### Post date: [July 25, 2003, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/5 "2003-07-25T17:45:28Z")
What are you, 12 years old?
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### Author:  [@Jessity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jessity)
#### Post date: [July 25, 2003, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/6 "2003-07-25T17:46:22Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Merla \*
> \*\*
> Have a sense of humor- but not crude humor. In fact, don’t even find crude humor funny
> Never use words like “dick” or “pussy” in my presence. They are rude and gross. Call things what they are, but only if you MUST talk about them
> Don’t watch porn in my presence
> Don’t tell me one of your main interests is porn
> \*\*
Jeez, just take all the fun right out of it, willya?! 😃
Okay seriously. Things like this:
> [@](#):
>
> _Originally posted by Merla_
>
> **When I say “nothing” is wrong, it usually means something is. Realize this and inquire further**
Are why men think women are psycho. Don’t be that psycho girl!
---
### Author:  [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)
#### Post date: [July 25, 2003, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/7 "2003-07-25T18:01:44Z")
I fail on 18 counts. Of course the most important one is the dog/cat thing.
Much like religious preference, smoking, and political preference are deal breakers so is choosing a cat over a dog.
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### Author:  [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)
#### Post date: [July 25, 2003, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/8 "2003-07-25T18:10:26Z")
[Mary, is that you?](http://marygentle.com)
> [@](#):
>
> When I say “nothing” is wrong, it usually means something is. Realize this and inquire further
I agree, that’s just messed up. I HATE people who do that. If someone says, “Nothing”, I’ll believe them. And I’m female.
I despise manipulative people.
> [@](#):
>
> Love me unconditionally
Did anyone else find THIS one ironic?
---
### Author:  [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)
#### Post date: [July 25, 2003, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/9 "2003-07-25T18:12:51Z")
I’m afeared many men will simply give up and go beat off somewhere around requirements #157.
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### Author:  [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)
#### Post date: [July 25, 2003, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/10 "2003-07-25T18:18:50Z")
Well, I think it’s important that you noted that these are your guidelines for a perfect man, not a satisfactory one. It’s OK to aim high, but equally important to modify if you realize that you are sacrificing companionship for ideals which may be way up there.
As for whether I agree with them, well, they’re **your** guidelines. (not **you’re** guidelines—good God, I agree with that one). Things which are dealbreakers to you might not be to others. Things which are even mildly important to you (horses, Pierce Brosnan, full head of hair) aren’t really all that important to me, but that’s why there are so many different types of people, y’know? And, frankly, it bugs the shit out of me when someone keeps asking me what’s wrong after I’ve told them nothing is.
Good luck in your search.
---
### Author:  [@Necros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Necros)
#### Post date: [July 25, 2003, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/11 "2003-07-25T18:19:33Z")
It would be amusingly ironic, **Guin** , if it wasn’t so close to how many females actually think. Really, it’s just sad. Ironic and sad.
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### Author:  [@ace22](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ace22)
#### Post date: [July 25, 2003, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/12 "2003-07-25T18:21:49Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Guinastasia \*
> **I despise manipulative people.**
Ahh, my Theory for Life[sup]TM[/sup]:
“Men are dumb, and women are manipulative.”
Words to live by. Use it, but credit me. This one sentence sums up everything that has ever happened and everything that ever will. It is all things to all people.
---
### Author:  [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)
#### Post date: [July 25, 2003, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/13 "2003-07-25T18:22:14Z")
Quick clarification question re: #22
> [@](#):
>
> Never use words like “dick” or “pussy” in my presence. They are rude and gross. Call things what they are, but only if you MUST talk about them
If we are having a conversation in which I casually say “Hey Merla, did you know that my dad, Dick, has a pussy cat named Testy?” am I in the doghouse forever, or are you willing to admit that the word never was a tad too strong?
---
### Author:  [@yoyo3500](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yoyo3500)
#### Post date: [July 25, 2003, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/14 "2003-07-25T18:26:34Z")
Any wonder why the divorce rate is so high?
My chunk of wisdom: Don’t date until you’re ready (and mature enough) to get married. You’re odds at happiness in the long run will be greatly increased.
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### Author:  [@Mtgman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mtgman)
#### Post date: [July 25, 2003, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/15 "2003-07-25T18:26:36Z")
No plan survives contact. As a wise woman once said
> [@](#):
>
> I know all about your standards
> And if you don’t mind my sayin’ so
> There’s not a man alive
> Who could hope to measure up to that blend’a
> Paul Bunyan, Saint Pat and Noah Webster
> You’ve got concocted for yourself outta your Irish imagination,
> Your Iowa stubbornness, and your liberry fulla’ books!
Enjoy,
Steven
---
### Author:  [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)
#### Post date: [July 25, 2003, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/16 "2003-07-25T18:26:47Z")
I was this young once.
(No, wait, I was never this young.)
---
### Author:  [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)
#### Post date: [July 25, 2003, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/17 "2003-07-25T18:28:23Z")
Mostly a good sensible list. But I’ll take exception to a few items:
**Be within 3 years of my age. I’m tired of men who are 20 years older than me hitting on me (this has indeed happened)**
Superficial. I married a prince who’s nearly 12 years older than I am. If I’d dismissed him as being “too old” I’d have missed out on a lot.
**Have a sense of humor- but not crude humor. In fact, don’t even find crude humor funny**
OK, I guess, if crude humor really offends you. But Mr. S can be a real sicko sometimes, and it’s one of the things I love about him.
**Never use words like “dick” or “pussy” in my presence. They are rude and gross. Call things what they are, but only if you MUST talk about them**
I don’t mind if Mr. S uses these in their proper context (crude humor, see above), but yeah, it would be a turnoff if he never used any other terms in normal usage.
**When I say “nothing” is wrong, it usually means something is. Realize this and inquire further**
I agree with others who have commented on this. Don’t make him read your mind.
**Must have a full head of hair. Length doesn’t matter, but it must be lush so I can run my fingers through it**
Superficial. There are a lot of wonderful men out there with less-than-lush hair, and balding is a natural process. Don’t penalize them for it!
**Must have good teeth. There have been astounding advances in the dentistry field**
I’ll let this one go, as it relates to hygiene, as long as you don’t expect perfect pearly whites.
**Must be taller than me- since I’m 5’3”, I don’t think this is asking too much**
Ooh, now you’ve pushed a button. Why do women insist on this? Sooo superficial. I’m 5’7", Mr. S is 5’6". Doesn’t make him any less of a fine, wonderful person. Only time it affected us was when we took ballroom dance lessons – he couldn’t spin me. Big fat hairy deal. Another wonderful guy we know is about 5’ even. You’d miss out on him too.
**Love watermelon**
Would it really diminish your own enjoyment of watermelon just because he wasn’t having any?
---
### Author:  [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)
#### Post date: [July 25, 2003, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/18 "2003-07-25T18:34:32Z")
**Merla** If you ask for too much you will allways get NOTHING.
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### Author:  [@DeVena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeVena)
#### Post date: [July 25, 2003, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/19 "2003-07-25T18:34:52Z")
This is funny…
Tired of dateing jerks, I made a list, very similar to this one, about 12 years ago. Mine was not nearly as long and detailed as this, but it kept the theme. I showed it to my best friend (who made one too) and, unbeknownst to me, she kept them.
2 years later I started dating soon-to-be Hubby. At my 1 year anniversary, Best-Friend gave me back my list. Hubby met every point, but I had forgotten about the list by the time we were dating. We’ve been married 9 years now, and yes I still have the list.
Her list? She made hers to suit the man she was dating, whom she has married. But even then, he doesn’t fit the list.
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### Author:  [@Merla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merla)
#### Post date: [July 25, 2003, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/20 "2003-07-25T18:40:25Z")
Jeez, I never meant for everyone to take these seriously. I certainly don’t expect to ever find a man that conformed or tried to conform to all of these. These are the guidelines for a man that I could create myself, like out of clay, then he would have some rules to go by. If I used these for all the men I tried to date, I would be sad and alone. I only make boyfriends comply to 3 or 4 of these.
And, I’m 18- so still a little wet around the ears. Gimme a break!
Merla
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