# my guidelines for the perfect man **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 25, 2003, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920 "2003-07-25T17:11:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Greenback](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/2bfe46/32.png) [@Greenback](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greenback)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/41 "2003-07-25T20:42:29Z")
And I was so close. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Merla \* > \*\* > Be an excellent cook- every man can stand to take a page out of Remington Steele’s book. > \*\* I can cook anything you want as long as it is on a barbeque or an open flame. > [@](#): > > \*\* > Be a good writer. Write me stories that are fabulous > > \*\* I don’t write. I do monologues and some rants. Other than that, I’m golden…and taken 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Inky\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7feea3/32.png) [@Inky\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inky_1)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/42 "2003-07-25T20:54:32Z")
Oddly, I fit your criteria pretty much to the letter. Not only do I enjoy rock climbing and horseback riding, I have a horse that enjoys rock climbing). The killing point is that anybody so demanding would drive me 'round the bend. Oh, and I refuse to relinquish my sequined thong… ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/43 "2003-07-25T21:09:49Z")
Hi **Merla**! Nice to meetcha. I’m Dogzilla and I’m originally from your area. I wanted to tell you that, when I was around your age, I had a list too. I’ve since used it to line the litterbox and developed a new list. Now that I’m 34 and still single (probably because of the previously mentioned list), here’s my list now: •\_Breathe without the aid of a ventilator or other medical devices •\_Be gainfully employed •\_Do not live with any of your parental units. Siblings, cousins and roommates are okay. •\_Try to learn to walk and chew gum at the same time. I believe, as you circulate in the dating world… if you find yourself dating for more than 15 years without finding The One… I’m betting your list will get way shorter as the years go by and your standards evolve to fit in with reality. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/44 "2003-07-25T21:13:28Z")
I might have had a list like this when I was young. Now I have one like this: Guidelines for the Perfect Man: Breathing Ambulatory Mine Bonus points for knowing, or being willing to learn to waltz. Sequined thong optional. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/45 "2003-07-25T22:13:57Z")
I don’t know how old you are, but I probably don’t come close to meeting your requirement. Other than that, I might have been your perfect man until you threw in that roller coaster requirement. I’ve never been on one and never will, so I guess we will just be ships that pass in the night. Ah, the things that might have been-------- ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/46 "2003-07-25T23:12:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SirRay \* > **So, what would your euphanistic preferences be?** My guess is “hoo-hoo” and “noodle”. ---
**Author:** ![nahtanoj](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71c47a/32.png) [@nahtanoj](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nahtanoj)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2003, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/47 "2003-07-26T00:04:18Z")
Wow. I score very well in both catagories. BUT: Sorry **Merla** , someone got to me before you did. Nahtanoj ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2003, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/48 "2003-07-26T00:10:12Z")
I want to meet **Inky** ’s horse – _he_ sounds like the stud I’ve been looking for. ---
**Author:** ![Danalan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/76d3ee/32.png) [@Danalan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Danalan)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2003, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/49 "2003-07-26T00:41:22Z")
I think I can meet all but 5 on the first list (sorry, I like watermelon, but I don’t love it), and all but 2 on the second. Which, if any, of the guidelines are complete deal-breakers? Say someone meets all of those, except he’s bald. Deal-breaker? How about if he can’t spell? (Neither applies to me, BTW) I don’t see anything about being single in there… (Which applies to me – Mrs. danalan wouldn’t even want me posting in here. Her list is similar, but longer, I’m sure). ---
**Author:** ![tolyri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7c8e57/32.png) [@tolyri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tolyri)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2003, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/50 "2003-07-26T01:52:12Z")
I’m with Merla… Truth is we all have a list, whether we admit it or not. Mine was rather short. I wanted a tall, skinny guy with a goofy smile, preferably a drummer. Hubby smiles. That’s all I got, but I love him. And yes, he puts up with my obsession with Tommy Lee. ---
**Author:** ![Mercury](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e95f7d/32.png) [@Mercury](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mercury)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2003, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/51 "2003-07-26T02:11:58Z")
I’ve never made a list before, but I’ll give it a shot. This isn’t a list of what I want, but a list of what I already have, I guess. \*Has to be funny. \*Has to be able to have a good phone conversation. \*Swearing and crude humour are ok, but nothing misogynistic. \*Do not be a racist, homophobe or anything like that. Ageist is ok. (Joke!) \*Be an excellent driver. And now, for the superficial bits… \*Be taller than I. I’m 5’2", it’s not difficult. \*Nice eyes. \*Don’t wear jeans too often. Once in a while is ok, but I am a fan of khakis. ---
**Author:** ![Merla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de0a6/32.png) [@Merla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merla)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2003, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/52 "2003-07-26T04:04:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by tolyri \* > \*\*I’m with Merla… > > Truth is we all have a list, whether we admit it or not. \*\* Thank you!! My list is stupid and fantastical, and I don’t ever make people follow it, but I’m glad someone else can admit they have one! Merla ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2003, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/53 "2003-07-26T05:00:34Z")
My man must not require me to cook or clean. He must be willing to do the grocery shopping for the frozen microwavable food we will eat. He must not express dismay if I don’t get dressed all day. He must bring me cold towels when I’m sick and not leave me to scream by myself. My must give me my turn on the computer when I start to glare at him from the hallway. He should be handsome with Perry Mason eyes and soft lips. He must have children that I don’t have to raise and grandchildren that are the brightest and sweetest and funniest and cutest. He must not hide his tears when he sees _Schindler’s List_ and the final homerun in _The Natural_. This man must be willing to read book after book after book aloud to me – all of them of my choosing. He must be willing to buy me a six foot long wicker swing for my birthday. He must not whine when I sleep all day. He must like Henry Mancini and Tom Jobim. He must be a genius with a fantastic sense of the absurd. He has to like rainbows and trees and the coast of Maine. He must give me money to sock away for a solo trip to Paris. He must play bossa nova rhythms on a guitar and buy me a piano. He must find me amazingly amusing and talented. He must be able to discern exactly where the itchy spot on my back is and then scratch it with frenzied abandon. He must be a little like a comfortable pair of old shoes. He must love me back and always kiss me goodnight. _sigh_ Incredibly, I found him… ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2003, 5:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/54 "2003-07-26T05:49:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Merla \* > \*\* > So that’s it. I know I’m being too demanding, but oh well. These are the guidelines for the perfect man, not a satisfactory man. I doubt I’ll ever find him. But here are the rules. > Merla \*\* Regarding another rule of life, why do girls with gigantic lists like these always wind up with drug dealer boyfriends who cheat on them, smack them around and dump them at the first pregnancy scare? Umm… life is strange. ---
**Author:** ![Super\_Gnat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@Super\_Gnat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Super_Gnat)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2003, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/55 "2003-07-26T06:00:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Guinastasia \* > \*\*[Mary, is that you?](http://marygentle.com) > \*\* Man, that letter is unreal. Should I post my list? I’m only 18, so I know it’ll change as I get older and wiser and stuff. Non-Negotiables: Must be a Christian and trying to live like it Someone I’m attracted to Someone I can chill with Kind and sweet Someone who’s either debt-free or committed to getting that way (good debt doesn’t count, though I’m nowhere near old enough to date people with mortgages and stuff) As a corollary, someone who knows how to manage their money reasonably well Somewhat ambitious (not moneygrubbing, but not willing to eat out of a paper bag forever) Loyal and trustworthy A better rememberer than I Non-smoker Non-any kind of drug (exceptions for moderate alcohol and caffeine) Not a lot of cussing Any -ism is right out (if we’re talking husband, I’d add want kids, agree generally about childraising, someone I can live with) (Also, I hesitate to put it here, but no long hair unless it’s locked, cornrowed, or braided. I put it under non-negotiables because normally it cancels out all attraction. But I suppose it’s _possible_ I could meet a guy with long hair that I liked… but not likely… hmmm…) Negotiables (what I would prefer): Black Nice eyes (though I don’t think I’ve ever met a guy who didn’t have nice eyes) Virgin (don’t insist, but would prefer) Nice hands Sense of humor Can play either guitar or piano (or both) Owns a pool table Sense of fashion, but not too uptight about it Outgoing Slightly more computer literate than I No cussing atall No drugs of any kind A voracious reader like myself That’s all I can think of for now. So what makes me scary, and what am I likely to change my mind about in the upcoming years? ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2003, 7:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/56 "2003-07-26T07:32:12Z")
Hi, **Super Gnat**. Not black, but blue eyes, play piano and guitar, teach computer programming, love to read, and would seriously **like** a pool table (but won’t happen until I have a bigger house, with room for one…)… just to name a few things… (And probably too old, having reached the ripe old age of 32. ;)) ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2003, 7:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/57 "2003-07-26T07:38:52Z")
You lost me right here: > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Merla \* > \*\* > Love me unconditionally_\* I’m sorry, but the itrony of a woman with a HUGE list for her man to adhere to while expecting unconditional love for _herself_ was just a bit to much. Oddly enough though, it does ring a bell. I’ve certainly seen it before. ---
**Author:** ![Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Satisfying\_Andy\_Licious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satisfying_Andy_Licious)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2003, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/58 "2003-07-26T07:39:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Merla \* > **Love me unconditionally** Bwa-haaaa-haaa-haaaa! > [@](#): > > I enjoy my red meat I love it when she talks dirty to me. > [@](#): > > But I’m tired of guys that … dump me for other women. Clue No. 1: Check to see if the other women make such stupid lists. You want success, shorten the list. Mine: [ul] [li]Big tits.[/ul][/li] See how easy that is? > [@](#): > > Don’t be a wimp. Know how to take charge Yep. Go look for that other woman! > [@](#): > > Don’t tell me my entire town and state is full of shallow, stupid materialistic people (this HAS happened to me) It’s not your town. It’s just your post. > [@](#): > > When I say “nothing” is wrong, it usually means something is. Realize this and inquire further Better yet, just accept that “something is wrong with her” as standard operating procedure. > [@](#): > > Love to travel as much as I do That’d be easy. If I were around a woman like this, I’d absolutely want to travel. > [@](#): > > Love me unconditionally Bwa-haaaa-haaa-haaaa! ---
**Author:** ![Optihut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/edb3f5/32.png) [@Optihut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Optihut)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2003, 11:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/59 "2003-07-26T11:05:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Merla \* > **Love watermelon** Love Watermelon? You mean [Like this?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&postid=3732205) Sorry, couldn’t resist 😛 ---
**Author:** ![handy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5a626/32.png) [@handy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handy)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2003, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920/60 "2003-07-26T15:38:57Z")
I like that list, but even if I could meet all of it, that doesn’t mean I would date the person. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-guidelines-for-the-perfect-man/190920.md?page=4)