# My husband and I are going to live apart. I'm seeking tons of practical advice. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 5, 2015, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-and-i-are-going-to-live-apart-im-seeking-tons-of-practical-advice/736706 "2015-11-05T14:14:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2015, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-and-i-are-going-to-live-apart-im-seeking-tons-of-practical-advice/736706/21 "2015-11-05T18:09:18Z")
> [@xizor](#): > > Two things I encountered that put me in the “get the divorce” camp > > 1. I changed jobs and wanted to move my 401k, they wouldn’t let me touch it unless I had her signature as well. I’d forgotten about this. I had the same issue when I wanted to take a small 401k loan out. I didn’t want her involved in my business at all, at that point, but I basically had to have her permission to do it. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2015, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-and-i-are-going-to-live-apart-im-seeking-tons-of-practical-advice/736706/22 "2015-11-05T18:41:59Z")
You can do it but as others have noted not being officially divorced comes with a whole series of complications and risks down the line as the IRS, the state, banks, etc. look at you as a team. ---
**Author:** ![Hedda\_Rosa](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hedda_rosa/32/1204_2.png) [@Hedda\_Rosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hedda_Rosa)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2015, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-and-i-are-going-to-live-apart-im-seeking-tons-of-practical-advice/736706/23 "2015-11-05T18:55:45Z")
My husband and I filed a month ago, after 15 years of marriage. We have kids and property and it is going to be very complicated, though we also are amicable. I cannot recommend the mediator route highly enough. You can still have a consulting atty to look over the paperwork and give you advice, but a mediator is much much cheaper, and you get to choose what you want the outcome to be, rather than having to follow formulas mandated by the courts. Also, the debt thing - in my state until you file for divorce and state your date of seperation, you are liable for all debts incurred by your spouse. You really don’t want that hanging over your head even if you get along just fine and have lots of trust now. Trust doesn’t control for medical debt, for example. Good luck and hang in there, it is a scary process but one that will let in so much light and air and space to your life eventually, I hope. I believe it will for mine, someday. ---
**Author:** ![herman\_and\_bill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f1d935/32.png) [@herman\_and\_bill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/herman_and_bill)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2015, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-and-i-are-going-to-live-apart-im-seeking-tons-of-practical-advice/736706/24 "2015-11-05T19:40:56Z")
Together, talk to an impartial financial advisor, together, talk to an impartial lawyer. My amicable separation, divorce, turned into an all out war. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2015, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-and-i-are-going-to-live-apart-im-seeking-tons-of-practical-advice/736706/25 "2015-11-05T21:03:16Z")
This may not effect you in particular but taking a while for the divorce to go through really screwed me when it came to alimony. All the money I paid her while we were separated didn’t count. The timer started when the divorce was completed. ---
**Author:** ![Crazy\_Canuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crazy_canuck/32/5282_2.png) [@Crazy\_Canuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crazy_Canuck)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2015, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-and-i-are-going-to-live-apart-im-seeking-tons-of-practical-advice/736706/26 "2015-11-05T21:04:38Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > This, this, this!!! > > When my wife and I separated I was only concerned with my kids happiness. My wife suggested holding off on the divorce until the kids grew up, then she’d happily sign whatever. > > So, for ten years we lived apart and I gave her what my take-home pay was. I worked overtime to support myself and eventually bought a house. We shared custody. I never saw my wife, and I was happy. > > When the time came for doing the paperwork, she hired an attorney and went for my fucking throat. This, this, so much this. IME, the goodwill between you and your partner has a tendency to fade as real life wears you down and you drift apart. I strongly recommend talking to a lawyer and getting everything on paper with an enforceable separation agreement as soon as possible, while that goodwill is still around. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. My second recommendation is to familiarize yourself with the process. Learn what the process is for your state, what a likely timeline is, that sort of thing. It can be an overwhelming experience, and knowing what the process is can help a lot with that. And my last advice is to keep the whole thing off of the internet. Don’t post anything to facebook or anywhere else online for the next year that you wouldn’t be willing to explain to a judge. Don’t do it even at a semi-anonymous message board somewhere, trust me, you’re not as anonymous as you think. ---
**Author:** ![octopus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/octopus/32/3716_2.png) [@octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/octopus)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2015, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-and-i-are-going-to-live-apart-im-seeking-tons-of-practical-advice/736706/27 "2015-11-05T21:22:43Z")
> [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](#): > > Hello all. > > My husband and I have amicably agreed to part. We realize that we no longer want the same things in life. It will likely take quite some time for everything to happen, but I have a lot to consider. > > I do not think either of us is in any hurry to remarry, so should we even bother to actually get a divorce? I’m not sure how that affects social security survivor benefits, payroll tax filings, medical health care costs, etc. > > We will split whatever money we have once we sell the house and stuff, so I have to decide whether to buy or rent. Do I want a house or a condo or what? I don’t want to do any yard maintenance. I don’t think I want to climb any stairs or live in a two story building at all. > > We’ve been a couple since 1985, so this is a big change. I’m excited and frightened. > > So, please offer me your opinions. What should I keep in mind as I plan my future? If things between the two of you aren’t reconcilable then you and your husband are exposing yourselves to far too much risk as other posters have posted. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2015, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-and-i-are-going-to-live-apart-im-seeking-tons-of-practical-advice/736706/28 "2015-11-05T21:55:45Z")
At the least get a legal separation. Have your name taken off any joint credit cards. Sorry to hear about this. Thirty years is a long time. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2015, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-and-i-are-going-to-live-apart-im-seeking-tons-of-practical-advice/736706/29 "2015-11-05T22:00:03Z")
I’m so very sorry. This is going to hurt. ---
**Author:** ![not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_what_you_d_expect/32/3246_2.png) [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_what_you_d_expect)\ **Post date:** [November 6, 2015, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-and-i-are-going-to-live-apart-im-seeking-tons-of-practical-advice/736706/30 "2015-11-06T00:38:40Z")
Thanks everyone for all the input. We each have one child, but they are grown and living on their own. It sounds like a divorce is the smarter option, so I guess we’ll start there. Crossing my fingers that things stay friendly. So far so good, but he knows nothing can happen until we get this house sold and he has a lot of work to do first. He won’t like it if I start nagging him to stop procrastinating, but I’m eager to move this along. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-and-i-are-going-to-live-apart-im-seeking-tons-of-practical-advice/736706.md?page=1)