# My husband NEVER hears anything I say **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 26, 2004, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-never-hears-anything-i-say/271303 "2004-10-26T21:17:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Brainiac4](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/brainiac4/32/3534_2.png) [@Brainiac4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brainiac4)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2004, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-never-hears-anything-i-say/271303/21 "2004-10-27T04:01:41Z")
I’m with **Fuji** – let’s see if I can make a reasonably useful contribution. I try to listen to **Dangerosa** , but I have a real problem with resisting visual cues, especially television – when we go out to dinner, if we’re eating at a sports bar or someplace with a TV, I need to sit where I can’t see it or I will be unable to hold a conversation. \*\*Dangerosa \*\*doesn’t have this issue – she will turn the TV on to keep her company and then ignore it. She can read with the TV on, which I find odd. I attribute this to her childhood having lots of TV in it, while mine had relatively little, so I have no acquired immunity to the Idiot Box. In your ATM example, was there a TV or other distracting thing nearby? ---
**Author:** ![Lissa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lissa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissa)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2004, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-never-hears-anything-i-say/271303/22 "2004-10-27T04:49:49Z")
Threads like these make me realize just how lucky I am. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if my husband treated me in such a disrespectful, indifferent manner. I don’t know all of the particulars, but the situation may call for marriage counseling. It may be a symptom of a deeper problem which should be explored before it becomes something which jeopardizes your marriage. ---
**Author:** ![Brainiac4](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/brainiac4/32/3534_2.png) [@Brainiac4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brainiac4)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2004, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-never-hears-anything-i-say/271303/23 "2004-10-27T04:54:07Z")
**Lissa** , am I being whooshed? I didn’t get the feeling that **hillbilly queen** was deeply upset about the behavior. At least, not to the level of needing marriage counseling. I read it as a request for assistance in understanding this behavior, and some amount of letting off steam. Apart from use of the rolleyes smiley, she doesn’t seem that upset. Or am I missing something? ---
**Author:** ![Cardinal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cardinal/32/4000_2.png) [@Cardinal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cardinal)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2004, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-never-hears-anything-i-say/271303/24 "2004-10-27T05:25:43Z")
> [@Eats\_Crayons](#): > > Oh, puh-lease! I know guys who can prattle on at great length about the texture of housepaint. Or worse, baseball stats! 😛 Take that back!!! Let’s see, if Rod Carew would have had 20 more hits in 1983, his career average would have been… ---
**Author:** ![Batsinma\_Belfry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea5d25/32.png) [@Batsinma\_Belfry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Batsinma_Belfry)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2004, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-never-hears-anything-i-say/271303/25 "2004-10-27T05:50:48Z")
No, I’m not upset about it. I used to be, because I thought it was because he didn’t think me or what I had to say important. I just find it odd that you can completely tune someone out like that. Especially, if the other person is telling you something important. ---
**Author:** ![Brainiac4](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/brainiac4/32/3534_2.png) [@Brainiac4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brainiac4)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2004, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-never-hears-anything-i-say/271303/26 "2004-10-27T06:12:48Z")
Is it possible that he’s not so much tuning you out as being distracted? There is a not-so-subtle difference between the two, although the end result is pretty similar. As I mentioned, I can get in trouble at times when \*\*Dangerosa \*\*is talking to me but there is a TV behind her. Note that I’m not necessarily defending the behavior, just wondering if there is a basis for it that you can diagnose and deal with (if you want to). ---
**Author:** ![Batsinma\_Belfry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea5d25/32.png) [@Batsinma\_Belfry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Batsinma_Belfry)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2004, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-never-hears-anything-i-say/271303/27 "2004-10-27T06:27:10Z")
There usually is the distraction of the tv, but not always. And sometimes he’ll respond as if he were taking in everything I said. Then later, refuse to believe we had the conversation. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2004, 7:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-never-hears-anything-i-say/271303/28 "2004-10-27T07:42:13Z")
Usually, when I zone out on a woman, it’s because I’m thinking about sex. I ain’t proud. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2004, 7:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-never-hears-anything-i-say/271303/29 "2004-10-27T07:51:59Z")
> [@hillbilly queen](#): > > There usually is the distraction of the tv, but not always. And sometimes he’ll respond as if he were taking in everything I said. Then later, refuse to believe we had the conversation. I used to do this with my ex. She would yammer oh about this and that while I’m trying to watch tv. I got to the point whereI conditioned myself to throw in a couple of “Yeah” “Uh-huh” or “Oh Really” to whatever it was she was talking about. I even got so good at it; that the few times she would become suspicious of me not listening to her, she would say “Are you listening to me?” to which I would respond with “Yeah honey; you said…” then I’d repeat the last three or four words of what ever it was she said. And I STILL had no idea what the hell she was talking about!! On a more scientific note. It has been documented that women are better at multitasking than men. Which is why women have no trouble reading the newspaper and knowing what there children are doing in the adjacent room. Where as a father would have no clue. ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2004, 9:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-never-hears-anything-i-say/271303/30 "2004-10-27T09:52:30Z")
> [@SHAKES](#): > > On a more scientific note. It has been documented that women are better at multitasking than men. Which is why women have no trouble reading the newspaper and knowing what there children are doing in the adjacent room. Where as a father would have no clue. Middlecase hears all. Middlecase sees all. Middlecase just pretends not to sometimes. ---
**Author:** ![Anonymous\_Coward](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/94ad74/32.png) [@Anonymous\_Coward](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anonymous_Coward)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2004, 11:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-never-hears-anything-i-say/271303/31 "2004-10-27T11:33:45Z")
I also agree with **Fuji**. I get hyperfocused as well, especially when on the computer, and it can take 3 or 4 attempts by my wife to crack the shell and get a lucid response from me. ---
**Author:** ![Tiggrkitty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tiggrkitty/32/17966_2.png) [@Tiggrkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tiggrkitty)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2004, 11:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-never-hears-anything-i-say/271303/32 "2004-10-27T11:52:06Z")
I know Cardsfan hears every single word I say, and he process that information. Even if I think he isn’t listening or paying attention, if I ask, he can repeat back every single word. Now if it has something to do with picking up the dry cleaning or something at the grocery store I have a 50/50 chance he will remember it. Not because he didn’t hear me, but because he is just forgetful that way. He remembers my birthday and our anniversary, but if you ask him to pick up toothpaste on his way home from the bowling alley the man will forget. I can live with that. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Low\_Key\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@Low\_Key\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Low_Key_1)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2004, 11:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-never-hears-anything-i-say/271303/33 "2004-10-27T11:54:55Z")
I don’t really fall into the “attention deficit/hyperfocus pattern of behaviour” explained by **Fuji** , but can certainly be one of these terrible men that don’t really listen always. I just find that I completely zone out from time to time, but do manage to keep up a discussion. There is really no logic behind it. Sometimes I am thinking about something (could be anything - including sex obviously), but sometimes I really am thinking about nothing. My ex used to ask me what I was thinking about a lot - apparantly the answer nothing is unacceptable. Eventually I had to start making stuff up. Sometimes, I would think about what I would tell her if she asked me - how ridiculous is that? Anyway, I really don’t think it should be taken in a bad way. I understand that it could certainly be considered annoying, but it probably is not meant in a mean way. Sometimes, I don’t even realize until much later that I have no idea I have not been listening to a conversation (with a friend, girlfriend, whoever). Why this seems to be a predominantly male phenomenon, I have no idea. ---
**Author:** ![EllisDee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellisdee/32/4531_2.png) [@EllisDee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EllisDee)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2004, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-never-hears-anything-i-say/271303/34 "2004-10-27T11:55:47Z")
> [@hillbilly queen](#): > > Just now, I went to give him my ATM card so he could get the money to pay for a perscription. The perscription is $35. I told him to go ahead and get $50, since it has to be in $10 incriments, plus I’d have some extra for spending money. > [@hillbilly queen](#): > > I just find it odd that you can completely tune someone out like that. Especially, if the other person is telling you something **important**. hehheh, that’s funny. I assume that the original example is not an example of the important stuff he doesn’t hear. No offense, I’m just funnin’ with you. But let’s look at the original example: “The perscription is $35. I told him to go ahead and get $50, since it has to be in $10 incriments, plus I’d have some extra for spending money.” That’s a whole lotta words. Reasons and whatnot are, in general, not very important to a guy. This is a very simple request you made, but you made it with about 25 too many words, and due to verbage overload, he tuned out basically everything. If you had tried… [hands hubby her ATM card] “Get me 50 bucks” …I’d wager that he would have had a much easier time remembering your request. If you feel a _need_ to describe in minute detail all the intricacies that brought you to the conclusion that $50 would be the correct amount, perhaps that could be saved for a later conversation? ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2004, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-never-hears-anything-i-say/271303/35 "2004-10-27T12:09:14Z")
Actually, **Fuji** sounds an _awful_ lot like my husband, who, because he is a computer geek and ADD, _does_ hyperfocus. I can joke about it alot, like in my first post, but I really have figured out how to get him to hear what I’m saying when it’s important. The first way is to tell him over the phone. You see, the phone in and of itself is a “hyperfocus” thing; when he’s on the phone, he’s _on the phone_, and hears nothing else. Therefore, if he’s on the phone with me, he’s completely focused on me. If he’s home, I have to get in between him and whatever he’s focused on (book, TV, computer, something shiny in the corner 😉 ) and say something like " Can I talk to you for a few minutes?" Once I _have his attention_, I say what I need to say, wait for his response; if it’s _really_ important, I’ll repeat it a couple of times, just for good measure. This method is almost always successful. ---
**Author:** ![Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helen_s_Eidolon)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2004, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-never-hears-anything-i-say/271303/36 "2004-10-27T12:20:41Z")
I’ll say a few things to my guy, usually when he’s at the computer. He’ll not say anything in reply. I’ll wait impatiently. Sometimes I need to prompt him. Then he will reply with full knowledge of the subject matter. I’ve come to the conclusion that he listens to what I say, but he queues me. Stupid computer geek types! ---
**Author:** ![DeVena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/dec6dc/32.png) [@DeVena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeVena)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2004, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-never-hears-anything-i-say/271303/37 "2004-10-27T12:49:20Z")
DeHusband does this too and to compensate, I’ve taken to only telling him things once. For example, on Monday, I told him that we were going to my mom’s this weekend, to which he agreed, saying he would nap on the couch while I talked to Mom. This morning I asked, “What time should we leave here on Saturday in order to get there by noon?” “Where? We don’t have to do anything on Saturday.” “Umm, we’re going to my mom’s???” “AGAIN! We just went! You didn’t tell me about this! I don’t see why I have to go.” He hears everything. He just conveniently forgets everything that isn’t important to him. Basically he only retains conversations about food, sex, or sci-fi. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![fishbicycle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aeb1de/32.png) [@fishbicycle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fishbicycle)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2004, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-never-hears-anything-i-say/271303/38 "2004-10-27T13:44:04Z")
Wow, I had no idea men were so dense! And I’m one of 'em! My wife and I had this conversation, once, early in our marriage. She asked if I was listening to her. I replied, “You know, I get the impression that when you’re talking, you think that I’m hearing that noise the adults make in Charlie Brown cartoons!” Of course it helps that she is not talking to me all the time, or I guess I would have to had to develop some tuning-out method. But that’s not the kind of person she is. Lucky me, eh? ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2004, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-never-hears-anything-i-say/271303/39 "2004-10-27T14:10:16Z")
> [@Ellis Dee](#): > > “The perscription is $35. I told him to go ahead and get $50, since it has to be in $10 incriments, plus I’d have some extra for spending money.” > > That’s a whole lotta words. Reasons and whatnot are, in general, not very important to a guy. This is a very simple request you made, but you made it with about 25 too many words, and due to verbage overload, he tuned out basically everything. If you had tried… > > [hands hubby her ATM card] “Get me 50 bucks” > > …I’d wager that he would have had a much easier time remembering your request. If you feel a _need_ to describe in minute detail all the intricacies that brought you to the conclusion that $50 would be the correct amount, perhaps that could be saved for a later conversation? Right on the mark. Deal with us like you’re talking to a five-year old and you’ll have greater success. You wouldn’t (or shouldn’t) go into agonizing detail with a child as to the the reasons why he shouldn’t make so much noise because mommy has a headache that was caused by the garbage truck being so loud because it came at seven o’clock instead of 10 o’clock and you know how mommy can’t stand noise that early, so please be considerate. No, you say “KNOCK IT OFF!” or some such to get the point accross. Now, men hate being treated like children, regardless of how much we act like them, but in the case of conversation, less is much better. ---
**Author:** ![Caricci](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Caricci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caricci)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2004, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-never-hears-anything-i-say/271303/40 "2004-10-27T14:27:26Z")
It’s not just husbands, it’s fathers and sons too! And it’s just a fact of life. Years ago, when I was a pre-teen, my dad and I drove to KFC to pick up a quick dinner. I said, “Okay, Daddy, I’ll wait in the car. Just don’t get the extra crispy. I don’t like the extra crispy. Just get the one that isn’t extra crispy.” Do I really need to tell you what happened? And just the other night, I was reading a story to my five year old son. It was a lovely story, requested by him, called Amos and Boris. It’s not about Nazis, just FYI. So my son is humming to himself, talking to himself, talking to my husband, looking around the room. So, I said, in the same voice that I use to read stories, “And then Hitler told his generals it was time to invade Poland. The End.” My son said, “Hug, Mommy! Good night!” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-never-hears-anything-i-say/271303.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-never-hears-anything-i-say/271303.md?page=3)