# My husband was arrested for domestic violence today **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 14, 2013, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716 "2013-04-14T21:20:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/41 "2013-04-15T03:27:07Z")
**Blackberry,** please consider the possibility that this has nothing to do with gender. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/42 "2013-04-15T03:32:20Z")
> [@astro](#): > > “Argument” vs “assault” is a distinction without a difference if one is going to lead to the other. If he’s really just a sociopath then you have point, but most scenarios like this are not some crazy person looking for a violent fight, but an argument dynamic between frustrated people that escalates to shouting and potentially physical violence. You need to change the argument dynamic or nothing else will change. The guy turned the key off in a car traveling down the highway. Even if he didn’t know the power was cut to the brakes and steering, he knew it was potentially deadly to his family. You’re sadly mistaken if you think any argument dynamic was the source of his action. ---
**Author:** ![Samantha\_Leigh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b38774/32.png) [@Samantha\_Leigh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Samantha_Leigh)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/43 "2013-04-15T05:01:48Z")
Palo Verde, I also recommend the book Blackberry mentioned. It might seem really harsh to you to think of your husband as abusive, but verbal and emotional abuse lead up to physical abuse. If you are regularly trying to figure out why stupid misunderstandings lead to an out of control argument or if you are constantly looking inside yourself for reasons that would explain why your husband is so disrespectful, you need to give serious thought to the fact that you are in an abusive relationship. My ex-husband had “anger management” issues, too. I made up a lot of excuses for his treatment of me. He had many of his own. His dad didn’t respect women and raised him the same way. He just can’t control himself. He doesn’t mean to. I am the one who instigates the problems. I am crazy. If only I were x, y and z he wouldn’t be so mad. Typically, things escalated until he hit me, then after too many incidents I finally called the cops. Back then, in my state, I could still opt to press charges or not. I opted not to. Turns out he could control his anger and he never hit me again. The verbal and mental abuse never stopped, though. After trying to understand why he was the way he was, I decided it didn’t matter. I didn’t deserve to be treated that way nor did my kids deserve to be a party to that sort of relationship. It has been 13 years and he still behaves the same way with his new wife. Think about what your kids are learning about how to treat their spouses and how their spouses should treat them. I think the more excuses you make and the more you endure, the worse he will behave. Read the book. Be open-minded. It isn’t your fault that you make him mad. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/44 "2013-04-15T05:42:24Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > The guy turned the key off in a car traveling down the highway. Even if he didn’t know the power was cut to the brakes and steering, he knew it was potentially deadly to his family. You’re sadly mistaken if you think any argument dynamic was the source of his action. The question at issue was whether he was actually looking to kill everyone or was he simply an angry tard. Maybe he is a sociopath that was looking to off everyone, I was offering an alternative explanation based on ignorance and stupidity of what happens when you turn off a car as it’s moving, assuming he did not intend to kill his whole family. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/45 "2013-04-15T05:52:01Z")
> [@Blackberry](#): > > I don’t think you really understand much about abusive men. They do intentionally, calculatingly pick fights for fun and sport and they don’t have to be sociopaths to do it. > > The solution to a man who thinks he has the right to assault his wife because they’re arguing is not to make sure they don’t argue. First and foremost he needs to realize he doesn’t have that right, then other relationship issues can be addressed. You can’t work on them in an environment of abuse. > > One thing it explains in the book I linked to earlier is that anger doesn’t cause abuse; an abusive/entitled mentality causes anger. An example he gave was a women whose child from a previous relationship was missing for a couple days and the woman was frantic of course. The husband felt his needs were being neglected during that time, so he blew up at his wife. > > That man didn’t need to find better ways to cope with his anger, he needed to realize he shouldn’t have been angry in the first place. Even if he had been just silently seething and didn’t let on to his wife, he’s still a selfish asshole with a very fucked up outlook. If he is deranged enough that he is unilaterally picking fights deliberately then she needs to get away from him as soon as possible. If they are both pushing each others buttons then they need to decide if they are willing to change or otherwise get divorced. In my experience women will start arguments just as often (if not more often) than men. The bottom line is if it is leading to violence they need to do something about it together or get divorced. IMO the chances this confrontation dynamic is a unilateral persecution of the OP vs a mutual dance they have developed over time based on unresolved issues is fairly slim. ---
**Author:** ![chacoguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/50afbb/32.png) [@chacoguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chacoguy)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/46 "2013-04-15T06:06:43Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > No one who gives a shit about their family, no matter how sophisticated or rudimentary their knowledge of cars is, would turn off the engine as they and their family are speeding down a road. What other possible explanation is there? Was he trying to save gas? Make it quieter? He knew damned well what he was doing. Make a plan and flee. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/47 "2013-04-15T06:21:57Z")
> [@astro](#): > > In my experience women will start arguments just as often (if not more often) than men. This thread, remarkably enough, is not about your experience. It is about the OP’s experience. Which sucks, because she is married to someone who willfully and knowingly endangered his entire family in order to make a point in an argument. OP, I think you need to start devising an exit strategy like, yesterday. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 7:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/48 "2013-04-15T07:05:01Z")
This thread is strange. My own reaction to the incident in the OP would be a few jokes to lighten up the embarrassed silence when the husband would come home. And then not talking about it anymore. I’m not saying that is a correct explanation. I just don’t see the distinction between words, that can be very cutting, and a shove. As long as one partner doesn’t walk on eggshells around the other for fear of retaliation (either by shoving, hitting, or the gender neutral weapons of preaching. contempt, ridicule, or the traditionally more female weapons of tears, victimhood…)I say as long as the use of any of those weapons hasn’t gotten to the point where one partner is afraid of the other, then things are just… normal, I guess. Strange to see this my POV so different from the thread. ---
**Author:** ![\_Olive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/_/4af34b/32.png) [@\_Olive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/_Olive)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 8:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/49 "2013-04-15T08:22:53Z")
no message ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 9:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/50 "2013-04-15T09:47:39Z")
To the OP. You have to decide what is the best for your family, especially your kids. You have to make a cold, calm and rational decision. That is best done when you have calmed down a bit and the present passions are not raging. You alone know your husband and yourself and whether or not its in the best interests of you to dump or stay. Do not listen to the idiots on this board telling you one thing or the other (and that BTW includes me). It would be a good idea to prevent him from coming to your house for a few days. This has gone far far beyond a domestic spat and even if your husband is worth taking back, he is going to be mad for several days at least. Moreoever, this space will allow you to at least acertain whether or not he is so worthy. ---
**Author:** ![RyJae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9d8465/32.png) [@RyJae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RyJae)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 10:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/51 "2013-04-15T10:32:56Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > This thread is strange. > > My own reaction to the incident in the OP would be a few jokes to lighten up the embarrassed silence when the husband would come home. And then not talking about it anymore. > > I’m not saying that is a correct explanation. I just don’t see the distinction between words, that can be very cutting, and a shove. > > As long as one partner doesn’t walk on eggshells around the other for fear of retaliation (either by shoving, hitting, or the gender neutral weapons of preaching. contempt, ridicule, or the traditionally more female weapons of tears, victimhood…)I say as long as the use of any of those weapons hasn’t gotten to the point where one partner is afraid of the other, then things are just… normal, I guess. > > Strange to see this my POV so different from the thread. I was in agreement with this until the shutting off the car on the highway statement. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 10:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/52 "2013-04-15T10:55:11Z")
> [@chacoguy](#): > > What other possible explanation is there? Was he trying to save gas? Make it quieter? He knew damned well what he was doing. > Make a plan and flee. That’s what I’m saying too. I was responding to someone who said the guy just didnt get how cars work. I was saying it doesn’t matter if you don’t get cars- rational people don’t do this. ---
**Author:** ![Samantha\_Leigh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b38774/32.png) [@Samantha\_Leigh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Samantha_Leigh)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 12:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/53 "2013-04-15T12:29:59Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > This thread is strange. > > My own reaction to the incident in the OP would be a few jokes to lighten up the embarrassed silence when the husband would come home. And then not talking about it anymore. > > I’m not saying that is a correct explanation. I just don’t see the distinction between words, that can be very cutting, and a shove. > > As long as one partner doesn’t walk on eggshells around the other for fear of retaliation (either by shoving, hitting, or the gender neutral weapons of preaching. contempt, ridicule, or the traditionally more female weapons of tears, victimhood…)I say as long as the use of any of those weapons hasn’t gotten to the point where one partner is afraid of the other, then things are just… normal, I guess. > > Strange to see this my POV so different from the thread. Turning off the car while she is driving down the highway, then preventing her from going where she wants to go then kicking and shoving her, these are serious events. Nothing to laugh together about later. When my ex “accidentally” moved the car while I was getting out, causing me to fall on my ass, and after a stupid argument, when he tried to prevent me from leaving by manhandling me, I knew deep down that our relationship was not healthy. It was years before I left. Years before I called the cops. In fact, it wasn’t until he bashed my head against the dash of the car and someone saw it that I actually called the cops. I can see why you think some are overreacting, and if Palo’s two incidents are isolated over the course of a many-year relationship, perhaps some are being hasty. But kicking and shoving your wife and the mother of your children is never a laughing matter. Right? ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/54 "2013-04-15T12:51:07Z")
Get firmly in your mind that what happened over the weekend will change many aspects of your lives. Once you called in the authorities re: spousal abuse, some aspects are out of your hands. I’m just stating this fact. I’m not for a second suggesting you ought not have called the cops, or that your husband ought to have kicked/pushed you (or done that thing in the car.) Just want to make sure you don’t slip into hoping things would just go back to the way they were before, as tho this had never happened. Even if you wanted that to happen, it might now be beyond your control. I’m unsuccessfully trying to recall a book I read a while back by a man who was charged with spousal abuse. I think he had drinking issues, and he pushed or hit his wife during an argument. I think he was a reporter or lawyer in Chicago… Again, I’m not excusing any aspect of violence against women, but recall that book having an interesting discussion of the legal and social implications upon someone following a situation such as you experienced. You have a lot of hard work in front of you - wherever you want to end up. First you are going to have to put forth some effort to figure out where you want your life to go from here, and then you have to do the heavy lifting to get there. Best of luck. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/55 "2013-04-15T12:58:26Z")
If you let him back into your life, you are sending the message to both him _and your children_ that it’s okay to physically abuse people. I don’t care how sorry he says he is or how much he says it was your fault, DO NOT let him back into your house. If he tries to come in, call the police immediately. ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/56 "2013-04-15T13:17:30Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > If you let him back into your life, you are sending the message to both him _and your children_ that it’s okay to physically abuse people. I don’t care how sorry he says he is or how much he says it was your fault, DO NOT let him back into your house. If he tries to come in, call the police immediately. Yeah, please ignore this. [QUOTE=Dinsdale] Get firmly in your mind that what happened over the weekend will change many aspects of your lives. Once you called in the authorities re: spousal abuse, some aspects are out of your hands. [/QUOTE] This. A 100 times this. Once the authorities are involved its a massive change. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/57 "2013-04-15T13:20:28Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > If you let him back into your life, you are sending the message to both him _and your children_ that it’s okay to physically abuse people. I don’t care how sorry he says he is or how much he says it was your fault, DO NOT let him back into your house. If he tries to come in, call the police immediately. Do you mean now - or ever? I fully agree there is no excuse for physically abusing people. And I strongly suspect some amount of time is needed in any case. But are the described incidents unforgiveable transgressions incapable of rehabilitation over time? ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/58 "2013-04-15T13:43:23Z")
Okay, let him back into the house after he has some counselling and accepts the fact that people are not to be physically abused. And if he abuses you after that, leave for good. For the good of both you and your children. ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/59 "2013-04-15T14:26:16Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > I’m unsuccessfully trying to recall a book I read a while back by a man who was charged with spousal abuse. I think he had drinking issues, and he pushed or hit his wife during an argument. I think he was a reporter or lawyer in Chicago… Again, I’m not excusing any aspect of violence against women, but recall that book having an interesting discussion of the legal and social implications upon someone following a situation such as you experienced. [Drunkard - A Hard Drinking Life by Neil Steinberg?](http://www.amazon.com/Drunkard-Hard-Drinking-Life-Neil-Steinberg/dp/0452295432/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1366035759&sr=8-2&keywords=steinberg%2C+neil) Palo - I’ve been here and done this - the other posters are right - this is not going to get better. You need to find a place to go and get away from this situation. I wish you the best of luck - truly, I do. It isn’t going to be easy, but it needs to be done. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/60 "2013-04-15T14:35:25Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > If you let him back into your life, you are sending the message to both him _and your children_ that it’s okay to physically abuse people. I don’t care how sorry he says he is or how much he says it was your fault, DO NOT let him back into your house. If he tries to come in, call the police immediately. There is no “let”. If there is no restraining order all the police will say is that you can’t bar him from entering his own house. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716.md?page=4)