# My husband was arrested for domestic violence today **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 14, 2013, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716 "2013-04-14T21:20:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![LavenderBlue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e95f7d/32.png) [@LavenderBlue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LavenderBlue)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/81 "2013-04-15T18:44:38Z")
> [@Palo\_Verde](#): > > OP checking in. I’m making an appointment to visit a divorce lawyer today. The thing I’m most scared of is financial. I don’t have a job and since I haven’t had any ‘real’ employment for a long time (stayed home raising the kids), it’s very hard to find one. Good for you! Send me a pm. I have legitimate work at home job leads that might be able to help you find a way to earn some income and keep you afloat. Are your kids in school right now? ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/82 "2013-04-15T18:49:12Z")
> [@Palo\_Verde](#): > > OP checking in. I’m making an appointment to visit a divorce lawyer today. The thing I’m most scared of is financial. I don’t have a job and since I haven’t had any ‘real’ employment for a long time (stayed home raising the kids), it’s very hard to find one. Based on your OP re your financial concerns about not being employed I’m assuming he is not making more than a more of less middle class income for your area and there are no huge liquid assets in play. If so you need to be making plans based on what you anticipate the real world cash flow from him will be. Alimony these days is mostly short term and transitory and designed to let the alimony receiving spouse get on thier feet and find a job. Most states provide a website where you can calculate child support. If you spend some time with a calculator and use the numbers provided you can probably calculate with 90% certainty what your financial position will be post divorce. In the short run his income will have to support two households. This may or may not be possible and still maintain a decent standard of living. You may have to leave your house. You will have to go back to work so you need to start planning what kinds of jobs you qualify for. Look into food stamps and food banks and how you can handle day care. Financially your life is going to get very hard, very fast. You need to make plans. ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/83 "2013-04-15T19:09:25Z")
**Palo Verde** , it’s not really possible to take an accurate read of your marriage based on a few postings on the internet, but I do want to say this: my dad was an abusive piece of shit and my mom was not doing anyone any favors by putting up with the status quo. ---
**Author:** ![Haunted\_Pasta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/94ad74/32.png) [@Haunted\_Pasta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Haunted_Pasta)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/84 "2013-04-15T19:52:50Z")
OP, I’m terribly sorry you’re having to go through this. It’s heartbreaking. But, the odds are good that by the time you come out the other side, you’ll have concluded that leaving was the right decision for you and your kids. Having been a call-taker at the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) for five years, I wanted to address a couple of common misconceptions that have come up in this thread. 1. “Domestic violence = mental illness.” Somtimes, but not usually. The choice to act threateningly, or violently, in order to compel a partner to do as the abuser desires is a learned behavior. It was learned somewhere along the way (often the childhood home) and has been practiced because it often works and it hasn’t (yet) resulted in consequences serious enough to motivate a desire to change. The silver lining to this unhappy fact is that because it has been learned, it can also be unlearned. (Not to say it WILL be, but it CAN be.) This is what Batterer’s Intervention and Prevention Programs are for. Experience has shown that it is very unlikely that an abuser will, on his own, be able to genuinely commit to taking full responsibility for his actions and attitudes and making the fundamental changes in his view of relationship dynamics required to give up the deep-seated belief that threats and violence are an acceptable tactic. All abusers are contrite and apologetic after a violent episode, often swearing they won’t do it again. The ones who seriously want to change will go to a BIPP. 2. “They need to work out the argument dynamics.” This is pretty much contrary to all of the advice given by the anti-DV establishment. It’s not that there isn’t a place for couples’ counseling sometime in the future, but it is very much NOT recommended coming off of recent abuse. One reason is that couples’ counseling usually focuses on what BOTH parties are doing that lead to problems. This is a tacit endorsement of the abuser’s erroneous belief that part of the responsibility for the abuse lies with the victim. It gives him an out for future episodes- “If she hadn’t \_\_\_\_\_\_, I wouldn’t have gotten so mad that I hit her!” One respondent above correctly noted that the victim is not complicit in the abuse- if there is ever going to be a change, the abuser must realize and accept that he is solely and fully responsible for the abuse. Another reason is that if there’s any potential for future violent retribution back at home for things said during the session, neither party will be honest with the counselor about the way things really are. Once the abuser completes a BIPP and accepts the fact that he can no longer threaten or use violence, even when he’s angry, THEN there may value in couples’ counseling. 3. “He should go to anger management counseling.” Better than nothing, but not as good as a BIPP. Learning how to deal with anger does not address the abuser’s underlying need to control the victim or his belief that he somehow has the right to do so. Back to the OP: I hope you find peace. Call NDVH at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for help, or just to talk with a friendly, knowledgable, non-judgmental listener. They try hard to recognize that YOU are the expert on your family’s specific situation. They recognize that you’re feeling conflicted and won’t cheerlead against your husband. They also won’t press you to take any particular course of action, but they will tell you things like the above about domestic violence in general so you can be as informed as possible. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/85 "2013-04-15T20:32:11Z")
> [@Missy2U](#): > > [Drunkard - A Hard Drinking Life by Neil Steinberg?](http://www.amazon.com/Drunkard-Hard-Drinking-Life-Neil-Steinberg/dp/0452295432/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1366035759&sr=8-2&keywords=steinberg%2C+neil) Thanks, **Missy**. That’s it. Thought it an interesting discussion of an average guy’s failings, and the implications on his entire family. Not excusing him in the least. Just saying that I doubt I am the only hard drinking average guy who thought, “Wow, that could have been me.” Best of luck **palo**. Investigating divorce will be scary, and being divorced will be tough. But the goal is to get yourself and your kids into a better situation that you’ve been in til now. Whatever role your husband may or may not play in your future, only you can determine over time. ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2013, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/86 "2013-04-15T22:37:53Z")
> [@Palo\_Verde](#): > > I’ve made the appointment with a divorce attny for tomorrow at 10. Just seeing this thread. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through **Palo Verde**. I wish you and your children strength. ---
**Author:** ![Duckster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duckster/32/1244_2.png) [@Duckster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duckster)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2013, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/87 "2013-04-16T03:33:00Z")
> [@WordMan](#): > > Just seeing this thread. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through **Palo Verde**. I wish you and your children strength. This. Contact your local women’s shelter. They can help. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![flatlined](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb9ed0/32.png) [@flatlined](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flatlined)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2013, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/88 "2013-04-16T04:26:39Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > I drive, and it never occurred to me that shutting off the engine while driving would be exceptionally dangerous, except in heavy traffic. I’d have assumed that the car would coast to a stop, but otherwise handle normally. > > If that makes me an idiot, I’ll own it. > [@Frylock](#): > > Seems like someone who’d never shut a car off while it was driving would not know how it would react if shut off while driving. > > Take me, for example. I drive every day. Yet until reading this thread, I would have assumed the car would simply glide to a stop. Now, if you’d asked me to think about it a second time, I would have then been like “Oh yeah, no power to the engine, it’d probably stop pretty fast.” But that would have been my second thought. My first thought was definitely to think it would just glide down to a stop relatively slowly. I’m sorry. I’m a motorhead and I forget that many people are not interested in the same things as I am. I have shut my car off while driving it, just to see what would happen. I’ve also read about cars suddenly speeding up and the driver can’t stop, so I have practiced shifting into neutral while driving. Of course I have done that stuff at slow speeds where I won’t chance hitting anyone. > [@WordMan](#): > > Just seeing this thread. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through **Palo Verde**. I wish you and your children strength. This, a hundred times this. I’m so sorry for what you are dealing with, **Palo**. This is going to be really bad. Its already bad, but it will get worse. And then it will get much better. Gives you more supportive hugs and thanks you for making the calls. ---
**Author:** ![Becky2844](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Becky2844](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Becky2844)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2013, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/89 "2013-04-16T05:17:39Z")
> [@Palo\_Verde](#): > > I’ve made the appointment with a divorce attny for tomorrow at 10. Since you’ll probably be paying the lawyer by the hour: 1. He/she is not a psychogist or your friend. Keep the emotions to a minimum and provide facts (or at least info) they can work with. 2. Don’t worry right now about abuse/financial proof you’re going to need. Take notes on what you’re told to compile. 3. Do overestimate the cost of your needs in the first meeting. After looking over documents you might be surprised how much you really will need. 4. Take along a friend or family member if you can. Later you can get a court advocate for other type appearances if needed. They’ll remember things later that you didn’t. 5. A restraining order is part of the paper trail you want and will keep him out of the house leaving it safe for you and the kids. Having him gone will also give you an emotional respite, maybe even help strenghten your resolve. Change is scary but doable. Posters suggestions about contacting your local women’s shelter are excellent. They can help you now and they can help later insofar as getting a job, day care and other programs that offer help. _hugz_ ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2013, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/90 "2013-04-16T06:47:47Z")
> [@Haunted\_Pasta](#): > > 1. “He should go to anger management counseling.” Better than nothing, but not as good as a BIPP. Learning how to deal with anger does not address the abuser’s underlying need to control the victim or his belief that he somehow has the right to do so. > . However, it seems to me that usually, DV is a “chronic” issue. In this case, the OP has been married for 13 or 16 years (can’t remember), and there has been only two isolated incidents. It doesn’t seem to point to a behavioral pattern. So, why would you assume that there’s an “underlying need to control the victim”? ETA : count me amongst the people who had no clue about what would happen when you shut down a car while driving. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2013, 7:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/91 "2013-04-16T07:05:27Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > However, it seems to me that usually, DV is a “chronic” issue. In this case, the OP has been married for 13 or 16 years (can’t remember), and there has been only two isolated incidents. It doesn’t seem to point to a behavioral pattern. > > So, why would you assume that there’s an “underlying need to control the victim”? Because it’s extremely unlikely that he’s not emotionally abusive on a regular basis. Unless he has developed a brain tumor or something, people just don’t make drastic, sudden changes in personality like that. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2013, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/92 "2013-04-16T17:48:38Z")
> [@Becky2844](#): > > Since you’ll probably be paying the lawyer by the hour: I saved a lot of money by restricting discussion to electronic means. Emailing a question and getting an email replay would cost $20, while a similar question done on the phone was charged a higher per-minute rate and took longer, averaging $55. ---
**Author:** ![Palo\_Verde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/65b543/32.png) [@Palo\_Verde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Palo_Verde)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2013, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/93 "2013-04-16T18:05:13Z")
I’m back from meeting with the divorce attorney. I think we are going to do this by mediation, instead of litigation. It will save a ton of money and hopefully keep things more civil. Any words of advice? ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2013, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/94 "2013-04-16T18:37:56Z")
> [@Palo\_Verde](#): > > I’m back from meeting with the divorce attorney. I think we are going to do this by mediation, instead of litigation. It will save a ton of money and hopefully keep things more civil. Any words of advice? Be the cooler head in any negotiation. It’s not easy to do, especially in something so emotionally charged, but the benefit is your well-being and that of your kids. Did the lawyer say why mediation is better in this case? ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2013, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/95 "2013-04-16T18:48:09Z")
> [@Palo\_Verde](#): > > I’m back from meeting with the divorce attorney. I think we are going to do this by mediation, instead of litigation. It will save a ton of money and hopefully keep things more civil. Any words of advice? I initially went with mediation as a money saving tool, but my ex did not negotiate in good faith. Ended up wasting a year and $800. ---
**Author:** ![Palo\_Verde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/65b543/32.png) [@Palo\_Verde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Palo_Verde)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2013, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/96 "2013-04-16T18:53:27Z")
Mediation can be much less expenisve (1/5 the cost) and tends to keep the people on a more cordial footing, if they both negotiate in good faith. ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2013, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/97 "2013-04-16T19:35:49Z")
Gotta nip that shit in the bud before it escalates [couple argues in car late at night she gets out in desolate area, disappears…](http://www.woodtv.com/dpp/news/local/kent_county/grandville-police-search-for-missing-woman-mary-tornga) ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2013, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/98 "2013-04-16T19:46:40Z")
From what little I know, mediation is often a good option so long as both parties are committed to splitting amicably, and the property settlement, support, and custody issues are not too complicated. Things can get quite contentious when there is a significant difference in the spouses’ historic and future earning power. In such cases, it is not uncommon for the spouses to differ greatly as to what they consider reasonable support. By all means, give mediation a shot. But as **kayaker** said, don’t let it drag on if it isn’t working. Also, in my jurisdiction, if an attorney handles a mediation, he/she is prohibited from repping either party in a subsequent contested divorce. Just be aware of that possibility, in case this particular lawyer is who you would want should mediation go south. Best of luck. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2013, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/99 "2013-04-16T19:57:52Z")
> [@Dinsdale](#): > > Also, in my jurisdiction, if an attorney handles a mediation, he/she is prohibited from repping either party in a subsequent contested divorce. Just be aware of that possibility, in case this particular lawyer is who you would want should mediation go south. That’s how it is here in PA as well. My ex used it as a strategic move. She agreed to using one attorney for both of us, knowing that my buddy would take the case. Then, when it became apparent she was not participating, I had to find a new lawyer. ---
**Author:** ![Septima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@Septima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Septima)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2013, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/100 "2013-04-16T20:05:00Z")
Yeah, someone who has already demonstrated a willingness to completely set aside his childrens best interest (and physical safety, for pete’s sake) just to throw a tantrum is not a good candidate for an amicable divorce. Sounds like the kind of guy who’ll drag the kids through hell just to spite you. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716.md?page=6)