# My husband was arrested for domestic violence today **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 14, 2013, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716 "2013-04-14T21:20:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2013, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/101 "2013-04-16T21:29:45Z")
> [@AK84](#): > > I am sorry and I am sure you heard it that way, but that last bit sounds like bullshit. It goes smack against everything I know about police procedure. I’ve read [The Burning Bed](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Burning_Bed). The Hughes home was known to the cops as a hotbed of domestic violence. They would only go there with backup. But they told Francine they could not arrest her husband because they did not see him hit her. Judges at the time would often tell the wives of first time battering offenders to “gie the guy another chance.” Then if he was arrested again, she would be told “Well, if you stay with a batterer, it must be because you enjoy it!” Quincy, Massachusetts is creditedwith creating the first sensible program for dealing with batterers. If the police came and saw any evidence of battering, the man was taken out of the house and the woman was given a restraining order. If the guy contacted her in any way, he was arrested and jailed. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2013, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/102 "2013-04-16T22:58:05Z")
> [@Palo\_Verde](#): > > I’m back from meeting with the divorce attorney. I think we are going to do this by mediation, instead of litigation. It will save a ton of money and hopefully keep things more civil. Any words of advice? Mediation will usually \*only \*work if both of you are both onboard with the realistic range of expected outcomes. It’s going to be big waste of time and money if you are poles apart on asset division, support levels, and visitation. You can gauge expected realistic outcome ranges by visiting the state websites that let you calculate child support based on income, number of kids etc. The only issues at that point are dividing household assets and any support you expect beyond child support. These days alimony (if granted at all) is mostly quite short term to allow the non-working spouse to get a job. Some less scrupulous attorneys try to generate extra billing hours in divorce settlements by promising bigger than rational payouts and churning over details. Assuming typical middle class incomes and assets when the rubber meets the road in court the Judge will follow the state formulas, and all these pie in the sky expectations disappear and you are left (in most cases) with approximately what the state website told you you could expect, but you now have a $20,000 legal bill instead of a $5,000 legal bill. With a little work you can pretty much nail where your CS income is going to be. In a middle class divorce there should not be a lot of drama over assets. The formulas are cut and dried. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2013, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/103 "2013-04-17T01:45:30Z")
> [@astro](#): > > These days alimony (if granted at all) is mostly quite short term to allow the non-working spouse to get a job. HAH! ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2013, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/104 "2013-04-17T01:59:34Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > I’ve read [The Burning Bed](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Burning_Bed). The Hughes home was known to the cops as a hotbed of domestic violence. They would only go there with backup. But they told Francine they could not arrest her husband because they did not see him hit her. > > Judges at the time would often tell the wives of first time battering offenders to “gie the guy another chance.” Then if he was arrested again, she would be told “Well, if you stay with a batterer, it must be because you enjoy it!” > > Quincy, Massachusetts is creditedwith creating the first sensible program for dealing with batterers. If the police came and saw any evidence of battering, the man was taken out of the house and the woman was given a restraining order. If the guy contacted her in any way, he was arrested and jailed. I can tell you that cops in the 70s didn’t think a husband smacking a wife around was that big a deal. They were out at our house quit a bit. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2013, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/105 "2013-04-17T02:06:41Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > HAH! So, do tell, how many states permit lifetime alimony anymore? I thought it was around 10? ---
**Author:** ![Fotheringay-Phipps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d9b06d/32.png) [@Fotheringay-Phipps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fotheringay-Phipps)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2013, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/106 "2013-04-17T18:31:07Z")
My advice is to be very very careful about basing important life decisions on the advice of people on internet message boards. The people advising you have for the most part no expertise at what they’re talking about, and also no real in-depth knowledge of your situation. It’s very easy for people to toss off advice to people on the net. Then, they go on to the next thread. You’re the one who has to live with the situation and with the decisions that you make. That doesn’t mean that there’s no purpose of such threads. People can tell you things that ring true or that make sense on careful consideration. But sometimes you can just get influenced by the weight of “everyone thinks X”, and in this regard I would caution that when “everyone” is just a bunch of random drive-by strangers, this consensus is not worth much, if anything. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2013, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/107 "2013-04-18T22:42:34Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > I drive, and it never occurred to me that shutting off the engine while driving would be exceptionally dangerous, except in heavy traffic. I’d have assumed that the car would coast to a stop, but otherwise handle normally. > > If that makes me an idiot, I’ll own it. Uh, what about the people behind you on the interstate? ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2013, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/108 "2013-04-18T23:44:11Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Uh, what about the people behind you on the interstate? Uh, the main danger people are referring to here involves a sudden stop. Uh, if you coast to a stop in a controlled manner, uh that gives you time to get to the shoulder. Uh, he specified he was talking about non-heavy-traffic situations. Uh. Uhhhhh. Uh. Uh. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2013, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/109 "2013-04-19T02:36:19Z")
What kind of interstate do you drive on where the unexpected “coasting to a stop” of a car would not be of any concern to traffic? ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2013, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/110 "2013-04-19T02:44:09Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > What kind of interstate do you drive on where the unexpected “coasting to a stop” of a car would not be of any concern to traffic? The Interstate of Love. ---
**Author:** ![levdrakon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2013, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/111 "2013-04-19T03:13:51Z")
There goes that marriage and family. Hope your husband doesn’t get fired 'cause no job and no alimony ain’t fun. Probably shouldn’t take advice about something like this from the internet. ---
**Author:** ![Baal\_Houtham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/baal_houtham/32/13604_2.png) [@Baal\_Houtham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baal_Houtham)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2013, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/112 "2013-04-19T03:18:27Z")
> [@levdrakon](#): > > There goes that marriage and family. Hope your husband doesn’t get fired 'cause no job and no alimony ain’t fun. Yeah, but no job isn’t fun even if everyone is living in the same house (that they can no longer afford), so I’m not sure that’s an important consideration here. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2013, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/113 "2013-04-19T03:18:39Z")
That must be in Oregon or something. The kind we have in South Carolina, behave predictably or close down the highway for a day so they can hose it off. ---
**Author:** ![actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e79b87/32.png) [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/actualliberalnotoneofthose)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2013, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/114 "2013-04-19T23:51:18Z")
I thought turning the car off was part of some driving technique I read about on a message board somewhere… That said, I’m just going to go with the whole “don’t make life decisions based on internet advice from strangers thing.” I don’t want to go into it too much, but I’m a husband and father. Don’t think I’ve ever abused anyone, but I’ve made mistakes like everyone- and had isolated mistakes held against me for life. I’ve also been a victim of abuse, including at the hands of my wife. I know what it’s like to be abused regularly, but also what it’s like to be hurt by a person in a very isolated incident. If I took my kids away from my wife over what happened, I doubt I would get all the “You go girl (boy?)” type of encouragement to break-up the family. it would probably even make ME look like the aggressor and some type of “controlling” guy. ---
**Author:** ![Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker_for_the_Dead)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2013, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/115 "2013-04-20T00:27:25Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > Uh, the main danger people are referring to here involves a sudden stop. Uh, if you coast to a stop in a controlled manner, uh that gives you time to get to the shoulder. Uh, he specified he was talking about non-heavy-traffic situations. Uh. Uhhhhh. Uh. > > Uh. You ruined what was already a poor point with unnecessary sarcasm. Slowing rapidly (which cars tend to do when turned off, relative to highway speeds) with no brake lights on is not something I’d consider safe. ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2013, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/116 "2013-04-20T00:54:50Z")
> [@levdrakon](#): > > There goes that marriage and family. Hope your husband doesn’t get fired 'cause no job and no alimony ain’t fun. > > Probably shouldn’t take advice about something like this from the internet. Well, hopefully Palo Verde’s decisions were made because of her own assessment of her own life, not because of people on here, though that may have been part of the decision-making process. I doubt many people start divorce proceedings because a few, not all or even the majority, of people on a messageboard suggested it. ---
**Author:** ![Carl\_Corey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Carl\_Corey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carl_Corey)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2013, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/117 "2013-04-20T01:53:17Z")
That would be one hell of a poll. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2013, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716/118 "2013-04-20T02:14:21Z")
> [@SciFiSam](#): > > Well, hopefully Palo Verde’s decisions were made because of her own assessment of her own life, not because of people on here, though that may have been part of the decision-making process. I doubt many people start divorce proceedings because a few, not all or even the majority, of people on a messageboard suggested it. That’s what I was thinking, too - I’m assuming that **Palo Verde** is not stupid, and she’s making this decision based on everything in her life, not just the little bit we’re commenting on here. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-husband-was-arrested-for-domestic-violence-today/655716.md?page=5)