# My Life is Not What I Thought It Would Be **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 15, 2008, 11:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-life-is-not-what-i-thought-it-would-be/472846 "2008-11-15T11:37:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-life-is-not-what-i-thought-it-would-be/472846/21 "2008-11-15T17:15:33Z")
I don’t really know what to think about this thread. I don’t know you or your life, but to be frank your expectations re sex and babies are somewhat irrational. Other than very well to do men with substantial financial resources and huge egos, I can’t think of any 61 year old I have even known who would want a new baby at that age, and I can’t wrap my head around what thought process you have going on that makes you think that they would. I’m 50, active and in good health, and the very last thing I would want is to take on a new baby at my age. Children need active parents, making a decision that would give a 10 year old a 71 year old father is not something reasonable people would normally want to do. If a baby comes along by accident you handle it, but _choosing_ a baby at 61 is not something 99.99% of men would consider to be a rational lifestyle choice at that age. In addition to this you need to realize that undergoing bypass surgery changes many people very fundamentally well beyond the physical issues. There’s often a fundamental (and sometimes permanent) shift in mental states and attitudes after undergoing major cardiac surgery. The bottom line line is that you are unlikely to get either a baby or high quality mad monkey sex in the near or long term in your current circumstance. You need to be married to a mid to late 30 year old man who wants kids for your dreams to come true and that is not where you are. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-life-is-not-what-i-thought-it-would-be/472846/22 "2008-11-15T17:18:24Z")
Ouch! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I just want to add a slightly different perspective. My grandfather’s step-brother was 72 years old when he married his second wife who was 28 (he was a widower). They had a lovely son together, and J. made it to J. Jr’s high school grad and died just shy of his 90th birthday. He and S. were very happy the whole 19 years they were married. I think she would have loved it if he could have lived longer, but accepted that he had a good run. So, a large age disparity does not mean that your marriage cannot be a success, and does not mean that you can’t have a baby. However, every time I saw J. and S. together they were holding hands. Smiling at each other. Being warm and generous to each other. I think that really has to be the minimum of any relationship. I’ve been in situations observing other couples who are cold, or uninvolved, or downright hostile and it’s very sad to watch. That being said, not every man (or woman) is an effusive, eloquent poet. Your husband may be trying to express to you how much you mean to him in a way that you’re not recognizing. Another couple I know dated on and off for years before they finally got married. The ‘off’ portions were always because she was upset with him for not communicating well. She would complain to me about how her ex was so much more talkative and poetic, and would tell her she was beautiful and wonderful, whereas D. just really wasn’t much of a talker. I told her to go and look through all of D’s. photo albums (he’s an amateur photographer). 90% of the pictures in those albums were of her, and in every single one she looked beautiful. Even in the nasty camping shots when she hadn’t had a shower in 4 days, had been sleeping in a tent and eating Alphagetti out of a can, she still looked beautiful. So, D. WAS communicating to S. about his love for her, but he was doing it in a way that she didn’t recognize until it was pointed out to her. (They’ve been very happily married for 10 years now). Before you totally write your husband off, look around carefully - it’s possible that he’s trying to tell you how important and special you are to him - just not in a way that you’re seeing right now. Anyhow, it’s very tough where you are. You certainly deserve to feel loved and cherished every day. You certainly deserve to have a baby, and as you mentioned, many, many women in their 40s have healthy, happy babies (I know about 8 personally). And you certainly deserve to go through life feeling as though your husband thinks that you’re the best person in the whole world. Finally, don’t stay with your husband only because you want a baby and you’re afraid if you leave him you won’t meet another man in time. Babies are a funny thing - you can have them in more than one way and even if you don’t push one out of your body, an adopted baby would appreciate your love and caring just as much as a biological one. I hope your nap will give you some clarity. ---
**Author:** ![Key\_Lime\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/48db29/32.png) [@Key\_Lime\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Key_Lime_Guy)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-life-is-not-what-i-thought-it-would-be/472846/23 "2008-11-15T17:21:04Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Children need active parents, making a decision that would give a 10 year old a 71 year old father is not something reasonable people would normally want to do. Complete agreement. ---
**Author:** ![askeptic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/eb9ed0/32.png) [@askeptic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/askeptic)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-life-is-not-what-i-thought-it-would-be/472846/24 "2008-11-15T17:22:02Z")
> [@FriarTed](#): > > I wonder when we’ll see a “My Baby Is Not What I Thought It Would Be” thread. > > Sorry if I’m less than convinced by your total amazingness. WWJD? I am sure it would not be to post something like that here. Best of Luck Hazel, no advice just warm wishes. ---
**Author:** ![An\_Arky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/87869e/32.png) [@An\_Arky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Arky)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-life-is-not-what-i-thought-it-would-be/472846/25 "2008-11-15T17:25:56Z")
I don’t have anything to add other than my sympathies for you, **Hazle** , and that your post should be a Public Service Announcement to women who are thinking of marrying a man that many years their senior. Yes, there are exceptions, and yes, it may seem like a good thing to have a man that is financially secure and emotionally mature, but more often than not, this is going to be the result, eventually. And Third Time’s The Charm is the exception rather than the rule, as well. ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-life-is-not-what-i-thought-it-would-be/472846/26 "2008-11-15T17:30:40Z")
> [@askeptic](#): > > WWJD? I am sure it would not be to post something like that here. > > Best of Luck Hazel, no advice just warm wishes. I do wish Hazle the best. But all she has said about herself was how wonderful everyone thinks she is & how she’s being cheated out of the life she expected. She can’t understand why a man twenty years her senior isn’t jumping her four months after triple bypass surgery (“the Dr cleared him for sex after two weeks so it CAN’T be that”:dubious::dubious::dubious:) And when she’s in a state of uncertainty about her marriage and everything else but how fantabulous she is, she wants to bring a new human life into it. I don’t know if J would post something like I did, but I wouldn’t be so quick to assume that He wouldn’t. He’d probably be a little nicer about it. Though I totally stand by my “If a 41 year old man complained…” statement. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-life-is-not-what-i-thought-it-would-be/472846/27 "2008-11-15T17:38:34Z")
She also said that she wasn’t getting much sex \*before \*the surgery. So yeah, it might be the surgery, or it might just be that he isn’t that into sex. Is she wrong to want to clarify that? I have to say that I wouldn’t have married a 60 year old man if I wanted babies, but I assume that Hazle had her reasons. And to wave off her concerns as though she’s just being silly and whimsical is kind of jerkish, IMO. ---
**Author:** ![askeptic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/eb9ed0/32.png) [@askeptic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/askeptic)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-life-is-not-what-i-thought-it-would-be/472846/28 "2008-11-15T17:40:09Z")
> [@FriarTed](#): > > He’d probably be a little nicer about it. Gee, ya think? He supposedly wasn’t in to the whole kicking people when they are down thing. One would think his followers would know that… ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-life-is-not-what-i-thought-it-would-be/472846/29 "2008-11-15T17:53:36Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > She also said that she wasn’t getting much sex \*before \*the surgery. So yeah, it might be the surgery, or it might just be that he isn’t that into sex. Is she wrong to want to clarify that? > > I have to say that I wouldn’t have married a 60 year old man if I wanted babies, but I assume that Hazle had her reasons. And to wave off her concerns as though she’s just being silly and whimsical is kind of jerkish, IMO. I don’t see how its in any way jerkish to call her on her completely unreasonable expectations. Marrying a 61 year old and complaining about the lack of sex is like moving to florida and complaining about the heat. Its simply ridiculous to expect the kind of sex life she wants in her situation, and a baby is down right irresponsible. ---
**Author:** ![FriarTed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/friarted/32/1052_2.png) [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-life-is-not-what-i-thought-it-would-be/472846/30 "2008-11-15T17:53:41Z")
> [@askeptic](#): > > Gee, ya think? He supposedly wasn’t in to the whole kicking people when they are down thing. One would think his followers would know that… No, but He also wasn’t a cheerleader and enabler to those who only complained about others & showed no sympathy for their problems and no self-awareness as to their own limitations. Kevin Smith actually debuted the Buddy Christ concept as a parody of the shallowness of Happy Happy Joy Joy Religion. Granted, it’s kinda taken on an different meaning since DOGMA. I do feel for Hazle and I expressed sympathy for the parts where she really is being done wrong (the lack of respect, support and affection). The whole self-promoting, surgery-dismissive, baby-fetish thing is where she lost me. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-life-is-not-what-i-thought-it-would-be/472846/31 "2008-11-15T17:59:11Z")
> [@DigitalC](#): > > Marrying a 61 year old and complaining about the lack of sex is like moving to florida and complaining about the heat. I know some people who’d be shocked to hear that, although I’ll grant you that none of them have had recent bypass surgery. Whether or not her expectations are unreasonble depend on a lot of things, many, if not most of which neither of us are privvy to at the moment. ---
**Author:** ![Rascal\_s\_Mom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a698b9/32.png) [@Rascal\_s\_Mom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rascal_s_Mom)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-life-is-not-what-i-thought-it-would-be/472846/32 "2008-11-15T18:19:23Z")
> [@FriarTed](#): > > TRIPLE BYPASS SURGERY FOUR MONTHS AGO CAN VERY WELL BE A DAMN VALID EXCUSE! If you were a 41 year old man complaining about how his 61 year old wife doesn’t have a valid excuse for not having sex four months after major surgery, you’d have been flamed by the second post. > > Yes, you do indeed deserve respect, support & affection. However, how much of these you’ve been giving your husband. Also, how much of these did you have from him before your surgery? Did he always withhold these or has he just started? If he has changed since the surgery, there may be some physio-emotional side effects? > > It may well be that he’s just not the husband you need nor are you the wife he needs. Best of luck to you. Best of luck to him. And most of all, best of luck to the hypothetical baby. I wonder when we’ll see a “My Baby Is Not What I Thought It Would Be” thread. > > Sorry if I’m less than convinced by your total amazingness. This was just nasty and unnecessary, especially the last two sentences. Go back and reread the OP for clarity. Affection doesn’t exist in a vacuum. If affection isn’t returned, it can’t thrive. It sounds to me like it’s been that way for a long time. And it also sounds to me like the lack of sex hasn’t ONLY been for the last four months, so, no, the bypass might only be a recent excuse. **Hazle** , I have been more or less where you are. I have found since my last relationship ended that I am deserving of more also and won’t compromise any more. You do what is right for you. I echo what has been mentioned about this being a third marriage. In my experience, by the time they have had a couple marriages, the topic bears close scrutiny. I wish you the best of luck. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-life-is-not-what-i-thought-it-would-be/472846/33 "2008-11-15T18:28:58Z")
No, this isn’t how marriage is. Well, some marriages. But not truly happy ones. I have some questions, if you don’t mind. How long did you date before you married him? How did his other marriages end? Does he want children at his age? What does he say when you mention the lack of affection? You need to realize, **he’s 61**. He ain’t gonna change. This is who he is. If that isn’t enough for you, then you have a decision to make. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-life-is-not-what-i-thought-it-would-be/472846/34 "2008-11-15T18:45:23Z")
I gotta concur with **FriarTed** - he’s twenty years older than you, on his third marriage, and you are surprised he isn’t the ideal husband? And you want to have a baby? :rolleyes: What did he say when you discussed having children before you married him? ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-life-is-not-what-i-thought-it-would-be/472846/35 "2008-11-15T19:04:12Z")
I’m not getting this. Objectively the scenario the OP describes is almost a modernist parody of absurd expectations re sex and children with a somewhat physically compromised man in his 60’s, and yet many of the respondents in this thread are engaging in a “you go girl” hug fest and encouraging her to be strong, and to hold onto her dreams etc. While there are many 60 year olds who can nail it all night (and I’d like to be one of them) 60 is not the new 50 or 40… _it’s fucking 60_, and for a 60 something who’s undergone a heart bypass it might as well be the new 70 or 80 re how they might feel mentally regardless of how well their physical healing process is going. The OP has made some pretty silly decisions, and now has borderline absurd expectations based on her lifestyle and partner choices. Is this one of those “Mars and Venus” moments where we’re supposed to listen to complaints about an insoluble, self created problem, and offer tea and sympathy vs 'WTF were you thinking?" If it is we need to know that upfront. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-life-is-not-what-i-thought-it-would-be/472846/36 "2008-11-15T19:14:51Z")
> [@Hazle\_Weatherfield](#): > > Is this really too much to ask? I’ve only been married four years. I’m the third wife. Maybe this is how marriage is and I just don’t know it. Hey, Hazle. I couldn’t have written your OP, but I could have written the title. My life isn’t what I thought it would be. Mine changed, like yours, when I chose to marry someone who would be considered unconventional relative to my place. He was 10 years older and in bad health. It’s been hard. I won’t lie about that. I’ve missed out on things that other women get to take for granted (though luckily neither of us wanted children). I’ve been incredibly frustrated with my life at times, and have really had to come to grips with the fact that I’m not going to get the life I thought I would get if I stay married to this man. So, believe me when I say that I understand. Here’s where the potential difference is: I decided that the life I thought I would or could get didn’t mean as much to me as he does. That’s a decision no one can make for you, and that no one with a lick of sense should judge you for making, no matter which you choose. I do want to address the bypass surgery, though. Some people seem to sail through that surgery and some, like my husband, are never the same again. No one here can say if your husband’s issues after that surgery are real or imagined, or if he’s just using it as an excuse, but I did want to say that it may be real, physical, and not under his control. If you ever need an understanding ear, I’ve got two. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-life-is-not-what-i-thought-it-would-be/472846/37 "2008-11-15T19:17:23Z")
> [@astro](#): > > The OP has made some pretty silly decisions, and now has borderline absurd expectations based on her lifestyle and partner choices. > > Is this one of those “Mars and Venus” moments where we’re supposed to listen to complaints about an insoluble, self created problem, and offer tea and sympathy vs 'WTF were you thinking?" If it is we need to know that upfront. The problem may well be self-created, but it is not insoluble. As for “you go girl, and hold onto your dreams”, I haven’t seen anyone shaking their pompoms here congratulating her on what were clearly some ill-considered decisions. What I’ve seen is people telling her that she needs to figure out what she really wants, and act accordingly. Should she be encouraged to give up and resign herself to being an old man’s caretaker for the next howevermany years, until it really IS too late for her to try to have the life she wants? Frig that. Life is short, and we only get one. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-life-is-not-what-i-thought-it-would-be/472846/38 "2008-11-15T19:54:06Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > I know some people who’d be shocked to hear that, although I’ll grant you that none of them have had recent bypass surgery. > > Whether or not her expectations are unreasonble depend on a lot of things, many, if not most of which neither of us are privvy to at the moment. I am one of those who is officially shocked to hear that. My husband is 63 and hasn’t lost interest at all. ---
**Author:** ![askeptic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/eb9ed0/32.png) [@askeptic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/askeptic)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-life-is-not-what-i-thought-it-would-be/472846/39 "2008-11-15T20:06:43Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Is this one of those “Mars and Venus” moments where we’re supposed to listen to complaints about an insoluble, self created problem, and offer tea and sympathy vs 'WTF were you thinking?" If it is we need to know that upfront. It is MPSIMS. Mundane and pointless sharing not critique my relationship. Especially when someone is already so clearly in pain. Why pile on? Sometimes people just need sympathy not judgment. There is a time and place for things and this just didn’t seem like the time or place for the type of criticism some people want to offer. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2008, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-life-is-not-what-i-thought-it-would-be/472846/40 "2008-11-15T20:12:48Z")
Whatever happens, you need to tell your husband how you feel directly. Nothing is going to change without a lot of mature and loving communication. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-life-is-not-what-i-thought-it-would-be/472846.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-life-is-not-what-i-thought-it-would-be/472846.md?page=3)