# My long distance g/f, no bees or honey involved. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 6, 2013, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-long-distance-g-f-no-bees-or-honey-involved/657647 "2013-05-06T20:18:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2013, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-long-distance-g-f-no-bees-or-honey-involved/657647/21 "2013-05-07T16:08:46Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > I was thinking this too… somewhere in her forties would be nice. sorry shes the oldest ☹ but I will see if she has any friends or co-workers that might be looking :D. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2013, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-long-distance-g-f-no-bees-or-honey-involved/657647/22 "2013-05-07T18:58:29Z")
Sounds like you’re going about everything the right way. It sounds like you’re both contributing fairly evenly to the first meeting, which is a really good sign. She could definitely be legit, but still–stay on your guard. Don’t be tempted to shell out if an “omg emergency!” comes up at the last second, don’t start sending her an allowance after she goes home. If you end up going the marriage route, stick to your guns regarding the prenup. Make sure she’s willing to get a job here, and actually puts in efforts to look. And please, don’t jump into having kids right away. I tend to think the best of people, but there is still a slight risk that she could be a sociopath who’s planning to bilk you in the long haul. Kids would provide her with the ultimate leverage over you. Listen to your gut if something feels “off” about her. Have fun! ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2013, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-long-distance-g-f-no-bees-or-honey-involved/657647/23 "2013-05-07T19:34:30Z")
> [@Rachellelogram](#): > > Sounds like you’re going about everything the right way. It sounds like you’re both contributing fairly evenly to the first meeting, which is a really good sign. She could definitely be legit, but still–stay on your guard. Don’t be tempted to shell out if an “omg emergency!” comes up at the last second, don’t start sending her an allowance after she goes home. If you end up going the marriage route, stick to your guns regarding the prenup. Make sure she’s willing to get a job here, and actually puts in efforts to look. > > And please, don’t jump into having kids right away. I tend to think the best of people, but there is still a slight risk that she could be a sociopath who’s planning to bilk you in the long haul. Kids would provide her with the ultimate leverage over you. Listen to your gut if something feels “off” about her. > > Have fun! We already had kid discussion, she claims to be unsure about wanting kids, I said married 2 years before we consider it if it gets that far. ---
**Author:** ![Lukeinva](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lukeinva/32/17872_2.png) [@Lukeinva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lukeinva)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2013, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-long-distance-g-f-no-bees-or-honey-involved/657647/24 "2013-05-07T20:00:50Z")
After all the trouble of getting her to come here you should be more than willing to pick up most of the expenses (imo). It’s the gentlemanly thing to do and as you admitted you can afford it. ---
**Author:** ![jharvey963](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/54ee81/32.png) [@jharvey963](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jharvey963)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2013, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-long-distance-g-f-no-bees-or-honey-involved/657647/25 "2013-05-07T20:05:07Z")
American men, believe it or not, actually have a very good reputation as “good marriage material” in many parts of the world. We’re known as being respectful, honest, hardworking, patriotic, and faithful. We’re also known to have a high standard of living (which is where moderate caution is needed). Compared to the men in those same countries, we look like a catch. I’m mostly familiar with the Eastern European area, where those local women see the men as abusive alcoholics, or dishonest, or disrespectful of women, or unambitious, etc. To the OP, I wish you good luck. And as someone with applicable experience, I urge you not to get fixated on one person. Meeting women from a different country is often a numbers game. Don’t beat yourself up if this first meeting doesn’t work out, and pay attention to your intuition or doubts. It IS possible to find a compatible loving partner abroad. J. ---
**Author:** ![Lukeinva](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lukeinva/32/17872_2.png) [@Lukeinva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lukeinva)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2013, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-long-distance-g-f-no-bees-or-honey-involved/657647/26 "2013-05-07T20:23:39Z")
If it is okay by rule to post, what is the site? ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2013, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-long-distance-g-f-no-bees-or-honey-involved/657647/27 "2013-05-07T21:05:40Z")
> [@Lukeinva](#): > > After all the trouble of getting her to come here you should be more than willing to pick up most of the expenses (imo). It’s the gentlemanly thing to do and as you admitted you can afford it. The passport and visa I was not going to pay for either way…way too easy to scam a months local wages out of unsuspecting US guys and never get any actual paperwork. I am financing everything here including several small excursions that will easily run $500-600 each. She wants to go to Disneyland, I’m paying for it. Probably going to do a weekend in Las Vegas, I’m covering it. So I am still going to be financing the majority of the expenses overall plus her ticket home We will be doing a few other little “Day trip” things as well to some of the other big things to see within a few hours of me, day in yosemite, possibly an overnight in San Francisco if time/schedule permits. So its not like I’m cheaping out here. ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2013, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-long-distance-g-f-no-bees-or-honey-involved/657647/28 "2013-05-07T21:13:15Z")
> [@Lukeinva](#): > > If it is okay by rule to post, what is the site? > **[Mail order brides, Russian Brides - Rose Brides](https://www.rosebrides.com/)** > > Women from Russia seeking men online for love and marriage. Russian brides. Ukrainian brides. Belarusian brides. Find your mail order bride here. Its a pay site I paid for a month ended up hiding my profile after 2 weeks and cancelled before it would charge another month. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2013, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-long-distance-g-f-no-bees-or-honey-involved/657647/29 "2013-05-07T21:33:57Z")
I can’t in a million years imagine accepting an invitation from a stranger I met on the internet to stay in his home for an entire month. Nor would I ever entertain any financial assistance from him at all, because of the implication that sex was going to be expected. As you can imagine, your condom comment squicked me out to no end. Ah well. I guess desperate people resort to desperate measures. And therein lies my difficulty with this whole scenario: there’s an imbalance from Day 1. Yikes. ---
**Author:** ![Martin\_Hyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/47e85d/32.png) [@Martin\_Hyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martin_Hyde)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2013, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-long-distance-g-f-no-bees-or-honey-involved/657647/30 "2013-05-07T22:04:07Z")
A few sentences into the OP I was concerned but it basically looks like you’re dealing with this scenario in all the right ways. The chance of scam appears minimal, as the benefit to her would be minor at this point. It’s good you’re always keeping your eyes open, though. It’ll probably be easier to get a feel for things in person, at least it would be for me. FWIW I did read an article awhile back that while yes, international dating is a cess pool of scam artistry there are a lot of genuine women (the area I read about was specifically Russia and Eastern Europe) where the women do not feel their ideals of love/romance can be found due to large societal problems that have lead to a “substandard” crop of dating age men. (Some of these countries have extremely high rates of extreme alcohol abuse and etc.) That’s lead to genuine “non-scamming” women searching other parts of the world for mates. I should try to find the article, but it basically was making the point that “Russian brides aren’t as much of a scam operation as you might think.” ---
**Author:** ![Martin\_Hyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/47e85d/32.png) [@Martin\_Hyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martin_Hyde)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2013, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-long-distance-g-f-no-bees-or-honey-involved/657647/31 "2013-05-07T22:07:31Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > I can’t in a million years imagine accepting an invitation from a stranger I met on the internet to stay in his home for an entire month. Nor would I ever entertain any financial assistance from him at all, because of the implication that sex was going to be expected. As you can imagine, your condom comment squicked me out to no end. > > Ah well. I guess desperate people resort to desperate measures. And therein lies my difficulty with this whole scenario: there’s an imbalance from Day 1. > > Yikes. I have some experience with Vietnam/Vietnamese people (I actually dated a Vietnamese woman for a long time, but this was a person I met in the U.S.), they are generally willing to do quite a lot of stuff Americans would not. The Vietnamese woman I dated, her family made it over here basically all through association with a brother. Her brother came over, despite having a wife and five kids, right after the war and worked here for 7 years while basically living in hovels getting the resources and paperwork ready to get his family over here. During that seven year period he never once saw any of his children or his wife. While he himself never made it big in America (he worked menial jobs despite being a white collar government employee before the South fell) all of his children graduated from college and live middle class or better lives. Generally speaking I know few Americans that would ever consider a seven year exile from everyone they care about and everyone they know just to improve the life of their family, but this guy’s story is one of many similar I know about from Vietnamese immigrants. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2013, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-long-distance-g-f-no-bees-or-honey-involved/657647/32 "2013-05-07T22:48:30Z")
I thought of doing this a few years ago, looked into the Russian bride thing. The upshot was that it would cost around $20 000 to do the complete Russian experience: travel, lodging, expenses, etc, etc. This was money I simply didn’t have, so I abandoned the idea. I’m now concentrating on upgrading _myself_. Schooling, new job in the future, and so on. In a few days, I’m off to Quebec for four-plus weeks of immersion training in the French language. It occurs to me that I might meet an interesting French-speaking woman who might be interested in me, but I’m not counting on it. I’m almost fifty, which cuts my chances down a LOT. Still, if the women in Ontario have been singularly unimpressed by me (and they have been), it only makes sense to look elsewhere… ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2013, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-long-distance-g-f-no-bees-or-honey-involved/657647/33 "2013-05-07T22:49:36Z")
> [@Martin\_Hyde](#): > > I have some experience with Vietnam/Vietnamese people (I actually dated a Vietnamese woman for a long time, but this was a person I met in the U.S.), they are generally willing to do quite a lot of stuff Americans would not…(snip) Generally speaking I know few Americans that would ever consider a seven year exile from everyone they care about and everyone they know just to improve the life of their family, but this guy’s story is one of many similar I know about from Vietnamese immigrants. You’re kind of cementing home what my biggest fear would be: that this person is pursuing a relationship with me, not because of our mutual interests and natural chemistry, but because I was a means for economic advancement. That being with ME was one of those sacrifices they’d be willing to make, in order to improve their lot. Nonetheless, hope does spring eternal. If it floats the OPer’s boat, and he finds satisfaction in this relationship, then more power to both of them. ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2013, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-long-distance-g-f-no-bees-or-honey-involved/657647/34 "2013-05-07T23:07:00Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > As you can imagine, your condom comment squicked me out to no end. If we end up married I will come back expecting an apology 😛 The comment was in reference to scam issues. Getting pregnant then hitting me up for child support or aiming for anchor baby scenarios. As far as the time frame, its longer because it is a huge process, we do really like each other so far and we have dug into many of the “hard questions” before deciding to try and meet, stuff that would be 10th+ date material if we were in the same town because its a fairly expensive 19-20 hour flight and we don’t want to do this only to find out she likes the 49ers and I like the Raiders, and this would never work. Anyone can be on their best behavior for a few days, after a month staying together we have had long enough for any facades to wear thin and figure out if this is something worth pursuing long haul. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2013, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-long-distance-g-f-no-bees-or-honey-involved/657647/35 "2013-05-07T23:26:41Z")
😕 > [@drachillix](#): > > So after urgings by a friend…I go post on one of those “Meet overseas women” sites. He travels alot for work (jewelry shopper) and apparently uses such sites to meet ladies to hang out with while he is abroad. > > So I sign up figuring I would see what it looks like. I basically copy and paste my OK Cupid Profile info and post a couple pics. > > Couple heavy work days follow, didnt look at personal email. > > Finally check…WOW ok I already see why some guys like this. The response is overwhelming. Like 35 replies > > So I start looking through the replys about half scream scammer, obvious cookie cutter replies, various please send money so I can get visa, computer/internet time, check my profile at (porn site), etc. > > But the rest of them…other than occasional atypical bits of english grammar you would expect from a non primary english speaker. Nice, polite, personalized replies that referenced items in my profile and looked like well constructed personal responses. > > Ok so I read through them all. I eliminate most for one reason or another. I reply to 4 of them. After exchanging a dozen or so emails 2 more have been eliminated. I have 2 left…Both heartstopping gorgeous, both I have chatted with live on webcam, and both smart, practical, claim to have pretty good jobs. The one started asking alot of pointed financial questions and started asking for money for travel expenses to come see me. Granted I can afford it, but it put me on guard and eventually ruled her out. So one left > > 2 months pass, we talk almost every day, sometimes for hours mostly yahoo chat sometimes video sometimes not. I mention the idea of coming here. She thinks its a great idea. She says she will look into travel expenses. I ask if she requires assistance with travel expenses and she says she may need help with some of it, but thinks she can handle most of it. about a week later I get a scanned copy of her passport dates all indicate its new, and a picture of her holding it. Ok feels legit. Her visa interview was yesterday and she said it went well. She went through some kind of “travel agency” that apparently helps coach you through the interview and helps assemble all the proper documentation as well as goes along for the interview. She will know within 2 weeks if she will get the visa and if so she is coming to visit and stay with me for a month. The travel agency claims 90%+ success rates and as long as she was honest with travel place and answered as they instructed her it should be fine. The only thing she asked financially is return airfare. She is basically saying she can here if I can pay her return flight back (around $600). > > So she is willing to drop about $1K to fly here and meet me between passport, visa, and flight. Most of the time I hear about all kinds of horror stories about people sending money then never hearing back. This one looks totally on the up and up. Granted she may just be playing a long game but I am not going to pay out for any last minute “emergencies”, and last minute cancellations or cold feet really have no benefit to her…so I think 90% of the scams are off the table. > > (checks condom supply) 97.8% of the scams 😃 > > So it looks like my online lady is getting into reality. Hopefully this all goes better than Bubba and his honey. > > Bonus, I get a crash course in vietnamese cooking. 😃 Luckily she thinks balut is disgusting. If there are no honey or bees, why bother posting? ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2013, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-long-distance-g-f-no-bees-or-honey-involved/657647/36 "2013-05-07T23:31:50Z")
Oh, fer Pete’s sake. We can’t keep referencing the classic Mail-Order Bride thread without linking to it, can we? [Mail order bride & sour honey](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=212249) ---
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-long-distance-g-f-no-bees-or-honey-involved/657647/37 "2013-05-08T02:49:37Z")
What country is your lady friend from? I know some people might find it lacking a bit of romance, but there are countries where culturally people don’t necessarily put being in love as the top reason for getting married. It can end up being paradise, a good business or a trainwreck - like an awful lot of marriages I know about. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-long-distance-g-f-no-bees-or-honey-involved/657647/38 "2013-05-08T12:16:01Z")
> [@drachillix](#): > > If we end up married I will come back expecting an apology 😛 Well okay, but if she divorces you within a year of getting her citizenship, I’ll retract that apology. ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-long-distance-g-f-no-bees-or-honey-involved/657647/39 "2013-05-08T15:45:22Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > Well okay, but if she divorces you within a year of getting her citizenship, I’ll retract that apology. Fair enough 😃 ---
**Author:** ![chappachula](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d2c977/32.png) [@chappachula](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chappachula)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2013, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-long-distance-g-f-no-bees-or-honey-involved/657647/40 "2013-05-08T17:47:00Z")
Do you know anything about her family and friends? Their jobs? Their financial/social status?(not specifics, just general feel for whether they are comfortable middle class, or totally broke) Does she know anything about your family and friends? Their jobs? Their financial/social status?(again, not specific.) You say you’ve chatted a lot, including video. So the two of you know each other, and of course that’s good. But people don’t live alone in a vaccuum of two. What about the wider picture, the other sides of your lives? You say you’ll take her to Disneyland, Las Vegas, etc, (and that’s natural, of course, for any couple getting to know each other. But trips alone for the 2 of you are not enough when you’re talking about total strangers from different continents. When will you take her to your workplace? How about to meet your parents and family? And when will you meet her family? (using video chat, I suppose. It seems like a good idea to arrange this \*before \*she leaves her home…making sure that there is an internet connection with a video camera in place.) You can tell a lot about a person from his/her social circles and family ties. It sounds like a great beginning for you so far. But you’re starting from zero, and have farther to go than if you were dating somebody from your own city. (Say, somebody who , after only one or two dates, you would already know fairly well. Just from listening to her talk — about her job, her friends and family, and her apartment , how well she maintains her car, you can tell pretty quickly whether , say, she has held stable jobs, or is overly concerned about money, or has experience taking care of children, etc… ) Good luck!!! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-long-distance-g-f-no-bees-or-honey-involved/657647.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-long-distance-g-f-no-bees-or-honey-involved/657647.md?page=3)