# My Magic 8-Ball now dictates Air Force policy. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 1, 2007, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-magic-8-ball-now-dictates-air-force-policy/394239 "2007-03-01T23:32:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Tripler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripler/32/21807_2.png) [@Tripler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tripler)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2007, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-magic-8-ball-now-dictates-air-force-policy/394239/1 "2007-03-01T23:32:17Z")
Yesterday after work, I was at Toys-R-Us with the SIGO (SIGnificant Other) picking up some assorted doo-dads for care packages going overseas. I was in an aisle, when I looked, and said to myself, “Holy crap! I’ve never had my own Magic 8-Ball before! Man, wouldn’t that be cool to take to work! I could have so much fun with that “making decisions.” It’s sure to be the comic relief everyone’s looking for!” So, I brought it in today and set it on my desk. A few people noticed it, asked what it was, and I showed them. One lady asked, “Alright **Trip** , will our TPS reports be signed on time this week?” – _”YES DEFINITELY”_ We all got a good chuckle. Just after that, another fellow I work with came in and asked, “Hey! Is that a Magic 8-Ball? Let me ask a question! ‘Will my Congressional report come back from the Staff with no errors?” – _”OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD”_. Again, everyone gets a smirk and a laugh. . . I set the Magic 8-Ball back down on the desk and go back to work. I answered a few e-mails, read a few memos, typed up some more cover sheets until the phone rang: “Capt **Trip** , this is Joleen up front. Your TPS reports are back already with the boss’ signature. Oh, and Ray’s Congressional report also came back with a few corrections. . . would you mind picking both up and bringing them back?” :eek: Amazed at the apparent coincidence, I looked over at the shiny plastic li’l globe and wondered just how cool this thing is. I head over to the division’s front office, pick up the stuff, and head back to my cubicle. Getting back into business, I was looking for numbers for a manpower study on another division. I place a call to our Manpower folks and talk to Jim. As the phone is ringing, I recline back in my comfy AssMaster 3000 chair, grab the Magic 8-Ball, and toss it back and forth between my hands. Jim answers and we start with the usual chit-chat. “. . . good to hear from you too! Hey, I was wondering if you guys had validated those manpower numbers just yet. We’ve got a deadline of this afternoon. . . Have you got them ready?” Out of curiosity, I glance at the little window – _”ASK AGAIN LATER”_. “No, not yet **Trip**. But if you call back later, I’ll go talk to Doug over lunch and make sure we e-mail them to you.” :eek: So I head to lunch and grab a salad to bring back to my desk. I start filling out spreadsheets for an incoming team when my boss comes e-mails me with a question, “ **Trip** , what’s the status on Ray’s Congressional reports?” – _”BETTER NOT TELL YOU NOW”_. I e-mail him back saying, “Sir, I don’t know. I’ll have Ray give you a call when he gets back in from lunch. . .” I finish a working lunch and head over to a quick staff ‘git-together’, and am keen to grab the spherical marvel on my desk. The boss is there, Ray, myself, and a few others. There are some nitnoid questions, the boss asks about Ray’s package (which he indicates has “come back with changes to be made”), and then blindsides me with a question I don’t have much background on: “ **Trip** , Denise was working on the A-13 package, and I know you were looking over her shoulder [sub]I hadn’t—she’s a ‘work hog’ and doesn’t share[/sub]. Do you think ‘K.I. Sawyer’ will be ready to execute the $2.6M project in 2008?” :glances down: – _”CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN”_ :eek: “Um, Sir, I’m really not too optimistic. . .” :glances again: _”DON’T COUNT ON IT”_ “. . . and to be honest, they’ve got way too much work to execute in ’07 anyway. I don’t see them getting to it.” “Fair enough, **Trip**. Ray, put a footnote in your Congressional report that they are pretty overloaded with work as it is; we can use that $2.6M to fund a few other projects. Also, does anyone have any info on expanding the manpower slots at Plattsburgh?” – _”CANNOT PREDICT NOW”_ “Um, no Sir, we’re going to have to wait until Denise gets back. . .” “Good point. Thanks, **Trip** ” The meeting breaks up, and Ray comes over to me and mentions, “Yeah, they do have way too much on their plate. I’ll make a note. . .”. I head back, and get back to work. About an hour later, my cubicle neighbor—Phil–pops up and asks, “Yo **Trip** , if I sneak this TPS report into the server a little late, do you think the front office will notice?” – _”MY REPLY IS NO”_. “Naw, go for it man! They seemed a little busy up there today anyways. . .” Sure enough, at 3:PM the front office sends out an e-mail with a list of deadlines: _’We’re still waiting on TPS reports from Judy, Zack, and Mike. Thanks to everyone else that got them in on time!’_ I am so glad I have this newfound power. But I have to remember that I must use this power only for good. Obviously, the Magic 8-Ball’s prowess is limited, and cannot tell me next week’s Lotto numbers—for if it could, I would surely win the next few PowerBalls and buy a Magic 8-Ball for every commander in the field: “Should we fund this boondoggle project?” – _”MY SOURCES SAY NO”_ “Will this bulldozer on board unbalance the C-17 cargo load for this mission?” – _”SIGNS POINT TO YES”_. “If I cut the F-22, will I be able to save all of the other aging aircraft, buy new tankers, and keep the 14,000 Airmen we’re trying to ‘Force Shape’?” – _“YES”_ My God. We could have won the war by now. :smack: Tripler Names, bases, and titles of reports have been changed to protect the innocent. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2007, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-magic-8-ball-now-dictates-air-force-policy/394239/2 "2007-03-01T23:51:57Z")
Brilliant story, but be careful it’s not just leading you on. The 8-ball I mean. It might give you a few weeks of correct answers, in an attempt to earn your trust. Then you start asking it personal questions, only to get screwed over. Should I go out tonight and pay a visit to that hooker: _DEFINITELY_ Should I sell all my belongings and join the circus: _OUTLOOK GOOD_ You just never know with those things 😉 ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2007, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-magic-8-ball-now-dictates-air-force-policy/394239/3 "2007-03-02T00:00:51Z")
Please don’t ask it any questions about the Hockey Dopefest. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2007, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-magic-8-ball-now-dictates-air-force-policy/394239/4 "2007-03-02T00:02:37Z")
How will you describe \*\*this \*\* item in your reimbursement report? ---
**Author:** ![Tripler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripler/32/21807_2.png) [@Tripler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tripler)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2007, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-magic-8-ball-now-dictates-air-force-policy/394239/5 "2007-03-02T00:40:34Z")
[QUOTE=Nawth Chucka] How will you describe \*\*this \*\* item in your reimbursement report? [/QUOTE] I won’t get reimbursed for it. I paid for it out of my own pocket. **SCL** , don’t worry. I left it locked up at work. Power like that is far too dangerous to be brought home. Tripler Far, far too dangerous and tempting. ---
**Author:** ![SCSimmons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e495f1/32.png) [@SCSimmons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SCSimmons)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2007, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-magic-8-ball-now-dictates-air-force-policy/394239/6 "2007-03-02T02:36:24Z")
[QUOTE=Tripler] _”OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD”_. [/QUOTE] Wow, it really does know everything! Ask it about Microsoft Exchange Server next. ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2007, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-magic-8-ball-now-dictates-air-force-policy/394239/7 "2007-03-02T02:50:49Z")
Ask it if attempting to teach myself XML, Python, and Lua all at the same time is a good idea. ---
**Author:** ![Cowgirl\_Jules](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4af34b/32.png) [@Cowgirl\_Jules](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cowgirl_Jules)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2007, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-magic-8-ball-now-dictates-air-force-policy/394239/8 "2007-03-02T02:56:07Z")
Cool, **Trip** , ask it if my friend Jeff will come home safely, wouldya? ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2007, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-magic-8-ball-now-dictates-air-force-policy/394239/9 "2007-03-02T03:01:18Z")
Your Magic 8-Ball probably does better than most of the Air Force upper echelon, at least if my experience with the PA Air National Guard is any indication. Robin ---
**Author:** ![Alpine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alpine/32/17813_2.png) [@Alpine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alpine)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2007, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-magic-8-ball-now-dictates-air-force-policy/394239/10 "2007-03-02T03:09:28Z")
Just think what kind of shape the Air Force would be if you bought the [Sarcastic Ball](http://www.mcphee.com/goodies/sarcastic.html) instead! “Should I work through lunch to finish this project?” – “Why bother?” “Is it okay to turn in this report late?” – “In your dreams” “Will the higher-ups fund this program?” – “As if” ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2007, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-magic-8-ball-now-dictates-air-force-policy/394239/11 "2007-03-02T03:11:39Z")
It’s really scary when the Air Force does things the way they do it in a Spongebob Squarepants cartoon. ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2007, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-magic-8-ball-now-dictates-air-force-policy/394239/12 "2007-03-02T03:20:20Z")
[QUOTE=Alpine] Just think what kind of shape the Air Force would be if you bought the [Sarcastic Ball](http://www.mcphee.com/goodies/sarcastic.html) instead! “Should I work through lunch to finish this project?” – “Why bother?” “Is it okay to turn in this report late?” – “In your dreams” “Will the higher-ups fund this program?” – “As if” [/QUOTE] At Dope the Halls a few years back, I received the Simpsons Magic 8-Ball. Same questions. “Should I work through lunch to finish this project?” – “Go away, eating.” “Is it okay to turn in this TPS report late?” – “Right on dude!” “Will the higher-ups fund this program?” – “Excellent!” ---
**Author:** ![mrklutz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ebca7d/32.png) [@mrklutz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mrklutz)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2007, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-magic-8-ball-now-dictates-air-force-policy/394239/13 "2007-03-02T15:30:58Z")
I prefer the magic 8-ball from [Wapsi Square](http://www.wapsisquare.com/d/20020125.html). ---
**Author:** ![Pushkin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ee59a6/32.png) [@Pushkin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pushkin)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2007, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-magic-8-ball-now-dictates-air-force-policy/394239/14 "2007-03-02T15:43:18Z")
Tripler, don’t you know the little 8-balls are hooked up to the great big 8-ball in the Cheyenne Mountains, right beside the Stargate via the ether? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2007, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-magic-8-ball-now-dictates-air-force-policy/394239/15 "2007-03-03T01:01:46Z")
Don’t kid yourself. It ain’t the 8 Ball. It’s the Midi-chlorians ---
**Author:** ![Tripler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripler/32/21807_2.png) [@Tripler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tripler)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2007, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-magic-8-ball-now-dictates-air-force-policy/394239/16 "2007-03-03T04:20:09Z")
I had to compose this at work and e-mail myself the answers. If TPTB got wind I was sharing the secrets of the Magic Air Force 8-Ball, I’d be in a heap ‘o’ shit. Anyway, as I recorded my answers earlier today: > [@](#): > > **SCSimmons** : Ask it about Microsoft Exchange Server next. ::shake shake:: – _”DON’T COUNT ON IT”_ I’m assuming it means _my_ mail server here. > [@](#): > > **sturmhauke** : “Ask it if attempting to teach myself XML, Python, and Lua all at the same time is a good idea.” ::shake shake:: – _”IT IS CERTAIN”_ > [@](#): > > **Cowgirl Jules** : “ . . . ask it if my friend Jeff will come home safely, wouldya?” ::shake shake:: – _”YOU MAY RELY ON IT”_ Tripler There you have it. ---
**Author:** ![Cowgirl\_Jules](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4af34b/32.png) [@Cowgirl\_Jules](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cowgirl_Jules)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2007, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-magic-8-ball-now-dictates-air-force-policy/394239/17 "2007-03-03T16:11:55Z")
Well, thank you dear; who am I to doubt the power of the 8-ball? ---
**Author:** ![Scruloose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e68b1a/32.png) [@Scruloose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scruloose)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2007, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-magic-8-ball-now-dictates-air-force-policy/394239/18 "2007-03-03T17:23:03Z")
“Should I reveal the method of my adept decision making skills on my next OPR?” _‘MY SOURCES SAY NO’_ ---
**Author:** ![Tripler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripler/32/21807_2.png) [@Tripler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tripler)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2007, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-magic-8-ball-now-dictates-air-force-policy/394239/19 "2007-03-03T20:04:36Z")
[QUOTE=Scruloose] “Should I reveal the method of my adept decision making skills on my next OPR?” _‘MY SOURCES SAY NO’_ [/QUOTE] Shoot, I could have told you that! 😃 Tripler My secret is safe. . . with me! ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2007, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-magic-8-ball-now-dictates-air-force-policy/394239/20 "2007-03-03T21:02:30Z")
“Would bombing Iran only strengthen the theocrats in Tehran, piss off the whole world and quite possibly trigger World War III?” ::shake shake:: IT IS CERTAIN. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-magic-8-ball-now-dictates-air-force-policy/394239.md?page=2)