# My mother is delusional and my father is enabling her. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 26, 2012, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-mother-is-delusional-and-my-father-is-enabling-her/629429 "2012-07-26T06:46:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-mother-is-delusional-and-my-father-is-enabling-her/629429/21 "2012-07-26T14:11:58Z")
**elbows** , may I suggest laying off the tough love approach a bit? You’re saying the same things as everybody else, but it may work better if it’s a bit less abrasive… And also that the narcissists I know are, indeed, delusional? For starters, they all believe the world revolves around them and that everybody should do what they say because they are the fonts of all wisdom (King Solomon was their kindergarten class’ dumb kid). How is that not a delusion? ---
**Author:** ![Crafter\_Man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crafter_man/32/458_2.png) [@Crafter\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crafter_Man)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-mother-is-delusional-and-my-father-is-enabling-her/629429/22 "2012-07-26T14:13:41Z")
> [@Ecamp1](#): > > I guess I am grieving the loss of parents that I wish I had. This is just something you’ll need to get over. Hate to say this, but I would forget about your parents for now, especially your mother. Your immediate family is a thousand times more important. Focus on being a good wife and mother, and don’t allow yourself to get sucked in to the craziness. ---
**Author:** ![Ecamp1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cab0a1/32.png) [@Ecamp1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ecamp1)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-mother-is-delusional-and-my-father-is-enabling-her/629429/23 "2012-07-26T14:14:01Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > It’s not going to be nearly as hard on your child, your husband or your Mom or Dad as it is on you, I’m afraid. > > I don’t really see how Mom is delusional. She seems to have a pretty good grip on how to control/manipulate her relationship with your Dad. A situation they both seem happy with. > > The delusions, I would hazard, are with you! > > How is it not self evident that you cannot, (and should not), fix any of this? This is their twisted, dysfunctional mess. You are a player in their drama only as much as you choose to be. Your husband and child are exposed to this only as much as you insist. And you are delusional to believe that, ‘a relationship with his grandparents’, somehow trumps, an ‘emotionally healthy and stable’, model of love. The, ‘need’, for such a relationship is entirely a projection from you, neither son, nor husband would miss it, if you were okay with such. > > You need to take a hard look at whether you value emotional stability, mental healthy environments, and drama free relationships more than your on going back and forth with your parents so you feel a dutiful daughter, honoring her parents. > > Your sister could see how toxic these people are. The question is, why can’t you? And why don’t you value, the mental health of your family, enough to do, as she has done, insulating herself from the Inasty? You are right! They are very old fashioned and the whole “honor your elders” is instilled in the children so it is difficult to escape that. I agree that emotional stability is much more important than catering to their toxic behaviors. And I am delusional if I think I can change it. Thank you for that:) ---
**Author:** ![Ecamp1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cab0a1/32.png) [@Ecamp1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ecamp1)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-mother-is-delusional-and-my-father-is-enabling-her/629429/24 "2012-07-26T14:18:46Z")
Nava, it’s ok. The tough love works for me:) ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-mother-is-delusional-and-my-father-is-enabling-her/629429/25 "2012-07-26T14:19:51Z")
> [@](#): > > elbows, may I suggest laying off the tough love approach a bit? You’re saying the same things as everybody else, but it may work better if it’s a bit less abrasive… Sorry it didn’t suit your tastes, and that you feel that way! > [@](#): > > You are right!..Thank you for that Glad you felt it helpful! Keep us posted how you’re doing and nothing but good luck to you! ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-mother-is-delusional-and-my-father-is-enabling-her/629429/26 "2012-07-26T14:23:45Z")
> [@Ecamp1](#): > > I guess I am grieving the loss of parents that I wish I had. They were never really “supportive” of either of us. There’s a slogan in the recovery community that covers this: “Stop going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread.” ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-mother-is-delusional-and-my-father-is-enabling-her/629429/27 "2012-07-26T14:47:45Z")
You are getting a lot of “You go girl!” responses, but to be honest without being offensive, they are biased. Yes, your mom has a problem, but your even more serious problem is how you deal with it. Mom is not going to change, but you can. You are 38 years old and stupified that your father is doing the exact same that he has always done during their 44 years of marriage, which is to take your mother’s side, no matter what. You are finding this hard to grasp, for the 279,726 time in your life. There is always tension between your mother and yourself because although you are fully aware that the situation is never going to change, you allow it to bother you and still look for ways to try and steer the situation to the way you would like it to be even though it is very clear that this is never ever going to happen, no matter what. It is not in the realm of possibility, but you still keep giving it a shot and get upset every damn time it doesn’t work. How many times does it have to not work before you catch on? - I was working late that night but when I arrived home my husband told me that my mom freaked out on my husband because he was disciplining my son and his voice raised a little. She accused him of being abusive and that she had to leave because she couldnt be in the same house watching him yell at “her grandson”. \* We are not abusive. Drop subject. _So my parents left._ Night! Have a safe ride home mom and dad! _That same night my husband called my parents to try to sort things out._ Just drop it. You guys were trying to steer the situation. Leave it alone. _My mom refused to speak to him but he spoke to my dad and told him that he apologized not for how he was disciplining but for my mon becoming so upset._ Mom’s got the control reins now, but keep stirring that pot and maybe the recipe will change! Right? Wrong. - But he said that it was his house and his son and he needs to be disciplined for bad behavior. We thought it was resolved.\* Keep wrestling mom for control! Keep talking about non-issues! Maybe today is the day it will work! _Three days later my mom calls me up and tells me that my husband was being abusive to my son and she wanted to warn me about my husband. I told her she is wrong and my husband would never do anything abusive, verbally or physically, to our son._ Mom, you are taking a normal parent child interaction and blowing it out of proportion. \*She said that she will only see “her grandson” if he wasn’t around. I told her no way! That we are a family and I’d she wants to see my son she needs to be at least cordial and respectful to both of us. She refused. I handed the phone to my husband as I was becoming enraged (my mother tends to do that to me). He tries to calmly reassure her but she screamed at him and hung up. I havent spoke to either of them since. It’s been 4 months. \* You are negotiating the terms of your life with your mother and becoming enraged? At age 38, not 16? Stop reacting to your mom. That is what is making your life miserable. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-mother-is-delusional-and-my-father-is-enabling-her/629429/28 "2012-07-26T15:01:24Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Your mom sounds cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. She doesn’t want your son exposed to his father’s abusive behavior? Maybe you should tell her that you don’t want your son exposed to his grandmother’s Borderline Personality Disorder. But I lack the tact possessed by most. Are you me? Because this sounds like what I was going to post, down to the cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs line. ---
**Author:** ![Ecamp1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cab0a1/32.png) [@Ecamp1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ecamp1)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-mother-is-delusional-and-my-father-is-enabling-her/629429/29 "2012-07-26T15:10:35Z")
LurkerInNJ, wow! You are right! I come from a very traditional, old fashioned family where you do not question your elders and you always show respect, So that is why it has taken me this long to realize that my mom does not control me and I should not feed into the craziness. Thank you for that response. Maybe all of us have been enabling her not just my dad. ---
**Author:** ![Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ce7236/32.png) [@Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mona_Lisa_Simpson)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-mother-is-delusional-and-my-father-is-enabling-her/629429/30 "2012-07-26T15:39:19Z")
Seriously if you don’t want to be dealing with your mom’s crap when you are 70 and your mom is in her 90s stop responding to her crap now. Your husband has the right idea, and your sister does too. For goodness sakes, don’t let your son get drawn into your mother’s manipulations. You know what is real and what isn’t and don’t get sucked into her pretend world. You are very fortunate to have people around you who are supportive and caring. (In the last 2 hours since I posted I got another email from my dad. More shit is going down back home. My mother is trying to get Grandma to love her some more by being there, only to get kicked in the guts emotionally later. ) ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-mother-is-delusional-and-my-father-is-enabling-her/629429/31 "2012-07-26T16:06:54Z")
It appears you’ve gotten the message for how to deal with this in a healthy way, but I want to give you one more tidbit of food for thought: Think about how your mom’s controlling, narcissistic behavior has damaged you, and it surely has. Now think about whether you want that same damage to occur to your kid. If I had kids, I wouldn’t allow them to spend much time around my parents, and I would allow no unsupervised grandparent time. I know what those assholes did to me; I would allow them to do the same thing to my (nonexistent) children over my dead, rotting body. My sister used to get frustrated because she needed childcare help and both my parents (divorced, dad remarried) pretty much refused to babysit. Once in a while, one or the other would take one or both kids for a day or two. And she had to re-program the kid(s) each time. She is now really glad our parents didn’t have much influence over her kids. I am too. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-mother-is-delusional-and-my-father-is-enabling-her/629429/32 "2012-07-26T16:26:39Z")
> [@Ecamp1](#): > > She is also spreading these horrible lies about my husband to my other relatives and I feel bad for my husband who is being made to look like some monster, which is the furthest from the truth. I would guess that your relatives know just how little credence to put into anything your mother says. > [@Ecamp1](#): > > I guess I am grieving the loss of parents that I wish I had. This is an excellent insight on your part. Take comfort, however, that it sounds like your son is getting the parents that you wish you had. For you to have been brought up in that sort of dysfunction, and then broken the cycle and created a stable family environment, is a huge and admirable accomplishment. ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_T](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Gary\_T](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_T)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-mother-is-delusional-and-my-father-is-enabling-her/629429/33 "2012-07-26T17:35:39Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > This is an excellent insight on your part. Take comfort, however, that it sounds like your son is getting the parents that you wish you had. For you to have been brought up in that sort of dysfunction, and then broken the cycle and created a stable family environment, is a huge and admirable accomplishment. Yes, it is. Brava, **Ecamp1** , for seeing the right path and choosing it. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-mother-is-delusional-and-my-father-is-enabling-her/629429/34 "2012-07-26T18:52:49Z")
> [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > Only you can answer this: were those 4 months really all that bad? Concise and to the point. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-mother-is-delusional-and-my-father-is-enabling-her/629429/35 "2012-07-26T19:45:00Z")
If mom is as controlling, crazy, and insistent on seeing the grandkid as it sounds…and thinks your husband is abusive and thinks SHE should raise him not the parents I’d be pretty worried she would eventually pull on of those “lets call child protective services” stunts. Next thing you know you and your husband are being investigated with crazy mom greatly exaggerating shit or even just making it up. And don’t count on being actually innocent of the charges to save your ass. No matter how that goes it will be a major pain in the ass and at best you’ll probably be paying for some lawyer’s vacation to Tuscany. At worst somebody has a bullshit record and you lose your kid to the crazy bitch. At the very least I would only meet them in public places to out or eat, visit the zoo, stuff like that. That would probably also force mom to tone down the crazyness as well. If you do let her back in the house, get a bunch of the hidden nanny cams. No matter what, make it clear if crazy mom wants to see the kid, its on YOUR terms. If she doesn’t like it she can just suck on it. And my condolences for having to even have to deal with shit like this. ---
**Author:** ![Ecamp1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cab0a1/32.png) [@Ecamp1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ecamp1)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-mother-is-delusional-and-my-father-is-enabling-her/629429/36 "2012-07-26T19:56:26Z")
The 4 months were definitely not bad. And to billfish678, yes the thought of her calling CPS did cross my mind. I told her she needs to see her grandchild on my terms, but she refuses to see my son with my husband around. So yes, she has chosen to not be in his life. It is sad for my son who loves her, and now I have to deal with “why can’t I visit grandma?” question. But I think I will let her “suck on it”. I just have to let go emotionally. Thanks for your response:) ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-mother-is-delusional-and-my-father-is-enabling-her/629429/37 "2012-07-26T20:13:32Z")
I think enough good advice has been given; I just want to give kudos to you for providing your son with the kind of parents you wish you had grown up with. When you’ve grown up with the “respect your elders” tradition we apparently both did, it can be hard to hold your ground with them. That little voice is always whispering in the back of your mind “But this is Mom. I have to mind Mom”. Good for you - and your husband and son - that you are finding the strength to say “No, I don’t”. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2012, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-mother-is-delusional-and-my-father-is-enabling-her/629429/38 "2012-07-26T21:50:05Z")
> [@Ecamp1](#): > > I guess I am grieving the loss of parents that I wish I had. Everybody has to do that. You are having a harder time of it than most do, but know that that’s something that everybody in the world goes through to one degree or another. And most people have to do this more than once. Even people who have wonderful, supportive parents have personality conflicts with them, or wish their parents could do something the parents can’t or won’t. ---
**Author:** ![smaje1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47774/32.png) [@smaje1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smaje1)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2012, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-mother-is-delusional-and-my-father-is-enabling-her/629429/39 "2012-07-27T00:35:25Z")
ecamp darling, I’ve spent the last year going through a very similar situation. And I turned to this board for help, just like you did. And they all (well, most) gave me amazing, awesome advice, just like you’re getting here. I ended up severing a lot of contact with my family and going to a LOT of therapy sessions. It was the best thing I could have done for me, my husband, and our brand-new baby girl. It was a rough, horrid, tears-filled year, but I am so much better now. My parents are back in my life now, via the occasional Skype call and one (extremely supervised and very short) visit with my daughter. I couldn’t be happier. But I needed to take the bold step of giving my own mother boundaries – something I never would have thought possible. Your husband sounds like an amazing man, and you sound like you’re really willing to make a bold step to ensure the health and happiness of the family you are making with him. Not the family you were born into – the family you are now creating. Good luck to you! Stay strong, and remember: Your feelings, your husband’s feelings, and your child’s feelings ALL come before your parents’ feelings. smaje ---
**Author:** ![Ecamp1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cab0a1/32.png) [@Ecamp1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ecamp1)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2012, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-mother-is-delusional-and-my-father-is-enabling-her/629429/40 "2012-07-27T05:56:23Z")
Thank you for all the great advice. I need to let go emotionally from my insane mother and be happy with my own family. It was great to see that every answer was consistent which leads me to believe that the only choice, the right choice for my son is to sever all contact with my mother. I do appreciate all the advice. It has helped me tremendously 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-mother-is-delusional-and-my-father-is-enabling-her/629429.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-mother-is-delusional-and-my-father-is-enabling-her/629429.md?page=3)