# My new dating strategy (which also won't work) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 16, 2015, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852 "2015-04-16T18:30:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2015, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/21 "2015-04-16T20:45:37Z")
It’s not “fake it till you make it”. If you can’t really stand yourself, well I guess that’s a whole other area you need to work on. But if you generally like yourself, and think you have a lot to offer as somebody to go out with, be in a relationship with, etc.; then you can be confident in that. Don’t let the fear of rejection squash that confidence…if they reject you, they are the one missing out on you. So offer yourself to some one else. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2015, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/22 "2015-04-16T20:46:46Z")
Being asked out via an email or text wouldn’t bother me (43/f), but I would _definitely_ leave out all of the “to avoid awkwardness” and “if you’re not interested let’s never speak of this again” stuff. That would put me right off, even if I thought you were cute/interesting enough to take a chance on. Just ask the woman out, and deal with the results. An email rejection should still be easier that an in-person rejection, and you won’t put off women who might otherwise be interested. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2015, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/23 "2015-04-16T20:46:49Z")
I get the logic in the OP. The pain from face-to-face rejection is high, while the pain from having someone simply not respond to an email is much less. The problem with this strategy is that it’s almost certain to just turn women off, so the chances of getting a positive response is close to zilch. Which means that you have to send out more emails than a professional spammer to have a hope of getting even one positive result. And rejection is like Chinese water torture. The pain from one unanswered email is small, but when you get to the first few hundred thousand, it adds up. So if the goal is to reduce pain, you’re probably better off just sticking with the face-to-face rejections. (Plus, occasionally, you may get a good slap in the face, or a kick in the nuts. At least that is some physical contact for your trouble.) ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2015, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/24 "2015-04-16T20:47:06Z")
The main thing I’m taking from this thread is that telemarketers are getting all the women. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2015, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/25 "2015-04-16T20:49:53Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > It’s not “fake it till you make it”. If you can’t really stand yourself, well I guess that’s a whole other area you need to work on. But if you generally like yourself, and think you have a lot to offer as somebody to go out with, be in a relationship with, etc.; then you can be confident in that. Don’t let the fear of rejection squash that confidence…if they reject you, they are the one missing out on you. So offer yourself to some one else. Listen to Omar Little. Value and respect yourself as someone that has something to offer someone else. If they pass you by, their loss. It sounds simple and glib I know, but it’s really the way to be healthy whether you are single or in a relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2015, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/26 "2015-04-16T20:57:09Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > fake confidence is not the same as real confidence. Who says? It’s not like guys exuding “real” confidence are going to tell you it’s fake, and admit they’re just as insecure as everyone else. Fake confidence is like going to the bathroom to let out a huge fart, instead of ripping right at the table. You’re acting like a person who doesn’t fart at the table, acting like a person who isn’t totally lacking in confidence. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2015, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/27 "2015-04-16T20:59:12Z")
> [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](#): > > Do YOU think you are a good person? Do you have good qualities? Does someone else think so? Parents, friends, siblings, pets, co-workers, teammates, schoolmates, someone? He may have all those, and more, but none of it is quite the same as one woman who wants to get you alone in the dark. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2015, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/28 "2015-04-16T21:02:20Z")
There is no way to avoid awkwardness in this situation, and setting yourself up doesn’t help. You will just have to get turned down often enough that it doesn’t bother you as much. It seems like it’s way too big a deal if someone goes out with you once, and that makes getting shot down for a second date too big a deal as well. You need to develop calluses on that part of your brain. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2015, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/29 "2015-04-16T21:14:11Z")
I think the problem with people like the OP is they see “rejection” as a failure. Others, like myself, see it as an accomplishment: That’s one more thing I won’t be regretting in my golden years because I didn’t have the balls to ask her out (face to face) and now have to ask myself: “what if?”. I’ll take the sting of rejection over the soul crushing feeling of regret any day. And even when someone does reject you, at least you can feel good about yourself knowing you had the balls to put yourself out there like that. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2015, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/30 "2015-04-16T21:20:40Z")
> [@Martian Bigfoot](#): > > (Plus, occasionally, you may get a good slap in the face, or a kick in the nuts. At least that is some physical contact for your trouble.) Meet in person, and bring a [cootie catcher](http://youtu.be/yWALknXmGaE) with “slap me in the face” and “kick me in the nuts” as options. If she demurs and only verbally rejects you, you’ll realize how that wasn’t really as bad as it could have been. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Joker\_and\_the\_Thief](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e79b87/32.png) [@The\_Joker\_and\_the\_Thief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Joker_and_the_Thief)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2015, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/31 "2015-04-16T22:21:11Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > The main thing I’m taking from this thread is that telemarketers are getting all the women. As someone who worked at a call center one summer, I can assure you that I’m just as incompetent on the phone or in real life as everyone else. ---
**Author:** ![pkbites](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pkbites/32/204_2.png) [@pkbites](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pkbites)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2015, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/32 "2015-04-16T22:50:05Z")
I was an absolute poon hound when I was young and single. Being confident and assertive always worked pretty well for me. If a girl rejected me I just went after the other fish in the sea. There are billions of them, OP. Thing is, I’ve been married to the same babe for 35 years now, so maybe I’m just talking out of my ass here. But are single people really this fugged up now days? What is the problem? Is it that hard to hook up? All these dating sites and personal ads. WTF? ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2015, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/33 "2015-04-16T22:57:43Z")
> [@pkbites](#): > > But are single people really this fugged up now days? Yes. Somehow our species continues to reproduce, but I’m buggered if I know how. ---
**Author:** ![leftfield6](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leftfield6/32/18780_2.png) [@leftfield6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leftfield6)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2015, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/34 "2015-04-16T23:03:41Z")
> [@pkbites](#): > > I was an absolute poon hound when I was young and single. Being confident and assertive always worked pretty well for me. If a girl rejected me I just went after the other fish in the sea. There are billions of them, OP. > > Thing is, I’ve been married to the same babe for 35 years now, so maybe I’m just talking out of my ass here. But are single people really this fugged up now days? > What is the problem? Is it that hard to hook up? All these dating sites and personal ads. WTF? Not sure I was say ‘poon hound’ since that might have a meaning I’m not 100% sure about, but I had my successes with the ladies in my younger days. Then married for 25 years. Now single again. So I’ll tell you it’s just as horrible as it ever was. The online dating world has not made it better, it’s made it, IMHO, worse. Think people put on a mask and present themselves in totally unrealistic terms in the singles scene? Holy crap, take that to a factor of 20 times for the online dating world. I’ve met two women that I liked enough to ask on a date, and only one of those did I go out with more than twice. Both I met in real life, not online. Boyo Jim, non one is saying you have to treat women like disposables, but we are saying you’ve got to build up some toughness to handling rejection. I have a ‘prospect’ that I think I’m going to ask out next week. If she says no, I’ll be disappointed, but I promise I won’t take it as a judgement of my worthiness. She doesn’t really _know_ me, and, if she turns me down, she will miss out on that opportunity. Her loss, not necessarily mine! ---
**Author:** ![pkbites](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pkbites/32/204_2.png) [@pkbites](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pkbites)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2015, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/35 "2015-04-16T23:22:21Z")
> [@leftfield6](#): > > Not sure I was say ‘poon hound’ since that might have a meaning I’m not 100% sure about, Think [Glenn](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8r6ReXWHSg). ---
**Author:** ![P-man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/p-man/32/3606_2.png) [@P-man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/P-man)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2015, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/36 "2015-04-16T23:40:20Z")
As socially awkward and insecure as I was as a single guy, I think that would have been too much even for me (and everyone didn’t have email 20 years ago when I was looking. I think I would have sooner taken out a loan for a billboard along the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2015, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/37 "2015-04-16T23:49:04Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > Thanks for the idea of using telemarketers as role models. > > I have no factual basis to be confident. I have loads of historical data that suggests pessimism is the most … accurate? … if perhaps not the most appealing attitude. > > I feel devastated when I’m rejected. I can’t pretend that women are different ice cream flavors and just move on to the next if the present one tastes bad. If there is any chance at all of me moving from woman to woman like a fuckin’ bee, it would be with an email like this because I’m certainly not going to do it in person. Would you rather not be rejected…and forge ahead with someone who isn’t attracted to you? How do you think that is going to go? Attraction is just a thing that is either there or not. It’s not a judgement of you as a person or a measure of your value. Think about a person who is attractive, funny, charming and kind hearted…happens to be a dude. He could be the best guy you’ve ever known and one of the best people on the planet. But if you aren’t into guys, it’s just not relationship potential no matter how great he is, and your rejecting him doesn’t reflect on him as a person. And it wouldbe make sense for him to be devastated about it. The potential was never there to begin with. The goal of dating is not to find a date, but to find a match. It’s to find mutual attraction that has a potential to grow. Rejection is integral part of that process. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2015, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/38 "2015-04-16T23:53:00Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > Thanks for the idea of using telemarketers as role models. Wow, there’s a sentence that I don’t agree with every day. Um… if you know what I mean. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2015, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/39 "2015-04-16T23:54:11Z")
Rejection is good. Be happy when you’re rejected – it means certainty. It’s much worse to have false hope. ---
**Author:** ![Clothilde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/439d5e/32.png) [@Clothilde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothilde)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2015, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/40 "2015-04-17T00:08:22Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > I have no factual basis to be confident. Wait a minute. Didn’t you win the Bulwer-Lytton contest a few years ago? Maybe the type of women you’re pursuing wouldn’t appreciate that, but A LOT of women would! I know I would, and so would a lot of other doper women. Non-doper women, too, I’m sure. What type of women are you asking out? What are the qualifications you’re looking for? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852.md?page=3)