# My new dating strategy (which also won't work) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 16, 2015, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852 "2015-04-16T18:30:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Merneith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2015, 8:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/141 "2015-09-12T08:34:39Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > I appreciate that going out on a date doesn’t mean automatic blowjobs. However, if a girl I’m sweet on (who also knows I’m sweet on her) agrees to go out on a date to a show like Cirque, I’d hope her feelings toward me would be somewhat warmer than: How is she supposed to develop warmer feelings for you if you never ask her out - on a free ticket, no less! - because you’re worried that she doesn’t automatically like you well enough for blow jobs? That’s the whole point of the date! To find out if you like each other well enough to have a second date. What does Gene get? He gets knowledge. Knowledge is power. Dating is a process. You have to build up to the warm feelings and the eager sex. You have to get to know each other. That means you have to spend time together _before_ you develop warm feelings. You can’t skip the part where you find out if you’re even compatible, and - this is for the OP - you can’t find that out, all on your own, before you even go on one a date. You can’t skip ahead in a relationship. You have to go through the process. Unless what you really want is a blow job, right damn now, in which case - you’re in luck. Blow jobs are cheap and easy to come by. Stop wasting time dating people and go to the blow job store. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2015, 8:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/142 "2015-09-12T08:54:52Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > Depending on how long he was single and without a relationship, maybe this was a case of the saying, “As men get older, they get more dignified?” Or, as Lois CK put it (paraphrasing from memory here): “Everyone has their time. This… thing… is OK at 40. This is not a fun seventeen-year-old to be.” This is probably part of the solution to the mystery, yeah. There is a time for everyone. The skinny dweeb who who spends his time with computers at age 16, and is invisible to girls, is doing perfectly fine dating-wise, and is a good catch, when he’s a 30 year old IT professional. An unattractive teen or young adult can be a pretty dashing grown man, because his target audience is now grown women, not girls. And they have different criteria. Growing up: The revenge of the nerd. So maybe it was just a matter of crossing that particular event horizon, and then the game changed. Taking that into account, maybe the story isn’t all that weird, when I think about it. At least it goes a long way towards putting my mind at ease. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2015, 9:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/143 "2015-09-12T09:25:49Z")
> [@Merneith](#): > > What does Gene get? He gets knowledge. Knowledge is power. Maybe. If Gene is smart enough to use it. Thing is, though, I know Gene. He’s not the brightest bulb in the batch. He just takes the input and runs with it as best he can. The result is garbage in, garbage out. You really don’t see a potential problem with this dynamic? If you want to provide your date with knowledge, feed him reliable information. This shouldn’t be rocket science. This is how Gene interprets the data: “She went on a date with me. We hung out, and she could deal with it. She likes me. This is going great.” Here is what was actually going on in the mind of his date: “Free stuff! I don’t like Gene, but if I’m nice to him, maybe I’ll get more free stuff.” Seriously, why are people trying to give **Ann Hedonia** a pass here, and make Gene the bad guy? This particular debate isn’t about dating in general, it’s about **Ann Hedonia** ’s post in particular. I don’t really see how there can be a lesson here beyond: If you give a person free stuff, maybe they like the stuff, not you. And conversely: If you’re going on a date for the free stuff, make sure that the cards are on the table, and all parties at least know that this is basically a financial transaction. Saves trouble later. And learning that lesson, at least, gives us knowledge. Which, as you said, is power. The man isn’t always the bad guy. And certainly not just by default. Men aren’t just going around unreasonably requesting instant blowjobs. I mean, a lot of the time we are, sure, but not all the time. We have feelings, too. Shocker, I know. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2015, 9:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/144 "2015-09-12T09:37:00Z")
Also, this is why I prefer the coffee date over the Cirque date: It removes variables. If someone wants to hang out with you for coffee, they probably like you for you. Then you have more useful information, not less. It removes uncertainty about what the date is getting out of it. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2015, 11:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/145 "2015-09-12T11:41:56Z")
To the OP. Also work on being a good conversationalist. Learn how to listen and be interesting. Maybe read some good books on the topic. Learn to be a good active listener. My opinion - most women crave a man whom they feel free to talk to. ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2015, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/146 "2015-09-12T12:36:32Z")
> [@Clothilde](#): > > What type of women are you asking out? What are the qualifications you’re looking for? Yeah - that’s what I’m wondering too, **Boyo Jim**. If you’re so certain of rejection, maybe you’re choosing women you know will reject you. I also wonder whether you actually _don’t_ want that first date like you think you do - because second and third and fourth dates have their own challenges. I just figure that if I’ve convinced myself I need a wheelchair, why do I think I can climb a mountain? Is the mountain my motivator? Or just something unmissably huge to make me feel more insignificant? Confidence comes, I think, when you truly accept who you are - not who you wanted to be, should be, or wish you were. Flaws and all. I think until you do that, you really don’t know who you are, and what it is about yourself that no longer serves you. Then you’ve given yourself tangible options to break whatever useless cycles or beliefs that are keeping us exactly where we don’t want to be. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2015, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/147 "2015-09-12T17:46:03Z")
> [@Merneith](#): > > How is she supposed to develop warmer feelings for you if you never ask her out - on a free ticket, no less! - because you’re worried that she doesn’t automatically like you well enough for blow jobs? > > That’s the whole point of the date! To find out if you like each other well enough to have a second date. In this particular case, Gene knows Ann well enough to have a ‘little crush’ on her. Ann knows Gene well enough to say that she can ‘deal with’ an evening with him, and to know about the crush. Neither of them are trying to figure out if they like the other. Gene is trying to figure out if Ann likes him. Ann isn’t trying to figure out anything, she’s just going to see the show. > [@](#): > > What does Gene get? He gets knowledge. Knowledge is power. Ann could let Gene know if she likes him (which she doesn’t) right away, but that might preclude her from seeing the show, so she’ll wait until after the show to let him down. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2015, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/148 "2015-09-12T20:05:41Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > . I like coffee, but coffee shops are loud and full of people I don’t really like. And what will we talk about? Is he going to quiz me on my past relationships? Ask me about my sexual history? But Cirque du Soleil! He likes something I like… 😉 How crass… Personally I just ask the woman how many free events she’s managed to snag from men she can stand to be with for a few hours. ---
**Author:** ![Grim\_Render](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a87d85/32.png) [@Grim\_Render](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grim_Render)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2015, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/149 "2015-09-12T20:29:45Z")
OP, you are too afraid of pain. Yes, being rejected hurts, but it doesn’t hurt as much as all the fear of the pain of rejection. Or the beating yourself up afterwards. Its like being so afraid of discomfort at the dentists that you develop a phobia, never go, and end up with a mouth full of rotten stubs. Yes, some things hurt. Accept that and move on. Most of the pain is in the fear of the pain. Also, spend a lot of time at the gym. Getting into shape builds your self-confidence and sense of self-worth a lot. That has knock on effects. > [@Scumpup](#): > > Why don’t you just take a vow of celibacy instead? It will give you the same results. Doubt that. Some women take a vow of celibacy as a challenge. > [@Lowdown](#): > > The milquetoast sad-sack approach is not going to work at all, I assure you. This entire woe-is-me thread is one huge red flag. A thousand times this. ---
**Author:** ![jimbuff314](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c57346/32.png) [@jimbuff314](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jimbuff314)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2015, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/150 "2015-09-12T20:39:25Z")
> [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](#): > > Yeah - that’s what I’m wondering too, **Boyo Jim**. > > If you’re so certain of rejection, maybe you’re choosing women you know will reject you. […] Well now, that would just be self-defeating behavior, wouldn’t it? Who in their … Oh. Never mind. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2015, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/151 "2015-09-12T22:32:58Z")
> [@Grim\_Render](#): > > Doubt that. Some women take a vow of celibacy as a challenge. Such women are like servants who serve solely for love of their master. They, no doubt, exist. They are, however, much less common than fiction would lead us to believe. ---
**Author:** ![Grim\_Render](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a87d85/32.png) [@Grim\_Render](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grim_Render)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2015, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/152 "2015-09-12T22:51:46Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Such women are like servants who serve solely for love of their master. They, no doubt, exist. They are, however, much less common than fiction would lead us to believe. And yet! they are a myriad like lemmings in the grass, numberless like stars in the sky compared to the number of people his initial strategy would land. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2015, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852/153 "2015-09-12T23:00:35Z")
> [@Grim\_Render](#): > > And yet! they are a myriad like lemmings in the grass, numberless like stars in the sky compared to the number of people his initial strategy would land. There, I am afraid, you have me. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-new-dating-strategy-which-also-wont-work/717852.md?page=7)