# My niece has been raped **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 26, 2009, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-niece-has-been-raped/497632 "2009-05-26T00:47:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Gfactor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9de053/32.png) [@Gfactor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gfactor)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-niece-has-been-raped/497632/81 "2009-05-26T19:18:50Z")
The OP has asked for the thread to be closed. I’ll close it in 24 hours unless I hear objections. **Gfactor** Pit Moderator ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-niece-has-been-raped/497632/82 "2009-05-26T19:22:40Z")
> [@SnugTheJoiner](#): > > I have not seen my niece’s self-righteous douchebag father for many years–I don’t even know where he lives, How can he have this much influence over her, then? ---
**Author:** ![Washoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ecae2f/32.png) [@Washoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Washoe)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-niece-has-been-raped/497632/83 "2009-05-26T19:25:07Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > IIRC GHB stays in the system 72 hours, max. The half-life of benzodiazepines is much longer. If that’s what he used, and this is a distinct possibility, they can potentially be detected for _several weeks_ after the fact. It’s not too late to try to obtain clinical evidence that this event occurred. ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_MB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steve_mb/32/5339_2.png) [@Steve\_MB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_MB)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-niece-has-been-raped/497632/84 "2009-05-26T20:17:18Z")
> [@SnugTheJoiner](#): > > I should clarify: my niece was raped three days ago. I did not learn about this until this afternoon. She did not go to the police or complete the rape kit. She was discouraged from doing this by her father, who didn’t want her to besmirch the family name. We couldn’t have that. IMO, you need to explain to the “father” that he is now dead to you, and the reason why, and that if he shows his face to you again you will spit in it and/or punch it. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Fun\_Ball](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_fun_ball/32/17664_2.png) [@Happy\_Fun\_Ball](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Fun_Ball)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-niece-has-been-raped/497632/85 "2009-05-26T20:40:23Z")
> [@SnugTheJoiner](#): > > This is unfathomable to me. There was a time when people would stand up and fight for their children, to the death if necessary. Now it’s easier to pay a stranger to pretend to be their child’s friend and listen while she cries. I really don’t have anything useful to add, but I did want to chime in to agree with this. I cannot imagine my pride meaning more to me than my daughter’s wellbeing. Your sister’s family is fucked up! ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-niece-has-been-raped/497632/86 "2009-05-26T20:42:33Z")
I’ll second the advice about going to the authorities, both civilian and military, and at least trying to get justice. The young woman won’t be able to change what happened to her, but maybe she’ll be able to stop it happening to someone else. Her father is a jerk. Your niece did nothing to “besmirch the family honor”, she’s not “damaged goods” What is her _mother_ saying? And let her know she has other family members like yourself that don’t agree with the father. The only good thing that came out of the time I was raped(by a total stranger, home invasion), was the backup I got from my family, once they knew about it. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-niece-has-been-raped/497632/87 "2009-05-26T20:53:54Z")
> [@SnugTheJoiner](#): > > I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and constructive ideas, and yes, even criticism–when it was constructive. You others know who you are. > > Things aren’t going well here. I have tried to convince my sister (who is the only one I have been able to speak with about this) to get my niece to go to the authorities. I am now being fed a line of shit about how my niece “has to handle this her own way” and that I “need to respect her decision”–which is of course NOT her decision, but that of her parents. They’ve told her not to press charges and they’re going to hush the whole thing up and get her some “counseling.” My sister will not let me speak to my niece or ex-husband. She will not tell me the rapists’ names. “We have to put this behind us and get on with our lives.” > > Of course, the rapists will be able to get on with theirs, too. > > This is unfathomable to me. There was a time when people would stand up and fight for their children, to the death if necessary. Now it’s easier to pay a stranger to pretend to be their child’s friend and listen while she cries. > > I have not seen my niece’s self-righteous douchebag father for many years–I don’t even know where he lives, and no one’s telling me–but I ever meet him in the flesh again, things will not go well for him. > > I fucking hate this world sometimes. > > If the situation changes, which is unlikely, I’ll let you all know. In the meantime, let’s close this thread, please. Your sister is right. Your niece is an adult and they cannot force her to press charges. It doesn’t change the fact that her father should eat shit and die, but facts is facts. They have no right to force her to do anything. ---
**Author:** ![KSO](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f07891/32.png) [@KSO](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KSO)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-niece-has-been-raped/497632/88 "2009-05-26T20:55:08Z")
Given what you’ve said, I would go to the cops myself. I would be willing to never speak to my family again if it meant doing the right thing on behalf of my niece. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-niece-has-been-raped/497632/89 "2009-05-26T21:11:00Z")
> [@Kalhoun](#): > > Your sister is right. In theory she’s right about the “has to handle it her own way” part, definitely. But what it sounds like is the mother doesn’t want to make a fuss about it either because it’s unpleasant, and, let’s face it, the daughter’s kind of fault because she was at a party with these bad men. “We have to put this behind us and get on with our lives” means _the parents_ want to put it behind them and get on with their lives, and the daughter can go jump off a bridge. Maybe I’m crazy. But the father says he won’t go to the police and the mother says they want to put it behind them and that’s it. I doubt this is what the daughter wants. ---
**Author:** ![Cisco](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ccd318/32.png) [@Cisco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cisco)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-niece-has-been-raped/497632/90 "2009-05-26T21:13:31Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > Maybe I’m crazy. But the father says he won’t go to the police and the mother says they want to put it behind them and that’s it. I doubt this is what the daughter wants. Parents this selfish and uncaring often have their kids convinced that whatever they say is right, so she’s probably on board with them, unfortunately. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-niece-has-been-raped/497632/91 "2009-05-26T21:20:53Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > In theory she’s right about the “has to handle it her own way” part, definitely. But what it sounds like is the mother doesn’t want to make a fuss about it either because it’s unpleasant, and, let’s face it, the daughter’s kind of fault because she was at a party with these bad men. “We have to put this behind us and get on with our lives” means _the parents_ want to put it behind them and get on with their lives, and the daughter can go jump off a bridge. > > Maybe I’m crazy. But the father says he won’t go to the police and the mother says they want to put it behind them and that’s it. I doubt this is what the daughter wants. The sad part is that the daughter is under their thumbs to the point where she can’t even manage her own welfare as an adult. Of course, that’s what needs to happen. I don’t quite understand the whole “you can’t talk to your niece” thing, either. The whole thing smacks of some creepy house with a shackle room for the girl. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-niece-has-been-raped/497632/92 "2009-05-26T21:23:25Z")
> [@Cisco](#): > > Parents this selfish and uncaring often have their kids convinced that whatever they say is right, so she’s probably on board with them, unfortunately. Again, I think there is a lot more info to this story we are not getting and the OP is not getting. Too many elements don’t make sense. The most typical scenario where parent and child would be acting like this is where the daughter got blotto drunk (and possibly has a history of doing this) hooked up with a bad guy and then got assaulted. It doesn’t make the crime less heinous or less serious, but it would go a long way toward explaining why they don’t think they have a chance legally, don’t want to subject her (or themselves) to investigations, depositions etc., and just want to move past it. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-niece-has-been-raped/497632/93 "2009-05-26T21:30:27Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Too many elements don’t make sense. What doesn’t make sense? Do you just not believe somebody would not want his daughter to press charges in a rape case for that kind of selfish reason, or…? Granted, we don’t know all the fact in the OP’s case, and I don’t know if the OP knows them either, but these things do happen. Hell, we just heard about another one in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![Punoqllads](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d2c977/32.png) [@Punoqllads](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Punoqllads)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-niece-has-been-raped/497632/94 "2009-05-26T22:13:22Z")
**Snug** , my condolences on this shitty situation that you find yourself in, and the even shittier situation that your niece is in. I don’t know the dynamics of her familial relationships, so all I can really suggest at this point is to try to let her know that you love her, that none of this is her fault, and that you’ll be there for her if she needs your help. Maybe your sister would at least let you say that much to her. ---
**Author:** ![ParentalAdvisory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@ParentalAdvisory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParentalAdvisory)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-niece-has-been-raped/497632/95 "2009-05-26T22:14:03Z")
> [@Gfactor](#): > > The OP has asked for the thread to be closed. I’ll close it in 24 hours unless I hear objections. > > **Gfactor** > Pit Moderator We get a choice? In the past when the OP requested it be closed, y’all just did it. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-niece-has-been-raped/497632/96 "2009-05-26T22:17:11Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > What doesn’t make sense? Do you just not believe somebody would not want his daughter to press charges in a rape case for that kind of selfish reason, or…? Granted, we don’t know all the fact in the OP’s case, and I don’t know if the OP knows them either, but these things do happen. Hell, we just heard about another one in this thread. Anything is possible, but short of a scenario where the parents are first generation immigrants from a culture where the violation of a daughter “besmirching the family name” might be a relevant concept, in the vast majority of American households if your daughter comes to you and says she was drugged & raped you go to war. It is quite possible the woman who was raped might be too tramautized to want to pursue action, but for the _parents_ to be pushing this agenda of not reporting the rape and sweeping it under the carpet is downright bizarre. If a non-immigrant US citizen in 2009 gives me a rationale for not doing something that’s 50 to 100+ years out of step with current US attitudes and defies contemporary mores and common sense, then yes I’m going to cock an eyebrow at the explanation. So to answer your question sure it’s possible that it all went down like the OP’s sister relayed to him, but I wouldn’t bet the mortgage on it. ---
**Author:** ![Siege](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@Siege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siege)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-niece-has-been-raped/497632/97 "2009-05-26T22:39:13Z")
I’m a first generation immigrant from England and I’ve still been in that position. It’s all too believable to me, especially if **SnugTheJoiner** ’s niece lives in a small town. B]SnugTheJoiner\*\*, please talk to your sister again. I’ve got a bit of information which I think may be important. When I was 16 I was molested in a much, much milder fashion by an acquaintance. I told my parents. My father refused to do anything about it because he didn’t want to damage his standing in the community. The lesson I learned from that was I was worth less than his reputation, and it damaged our relationship rather badly. About 15 years after it happened, Mum told me she knows they did the wrong thing, and I think he regrets it, but the choice he made stands. Dad and I get on well these days, so the damage can be healed, given a decade or two, but your sister and her husband are teaching your niece something. They’re teaching her that she cannot rely on them to protect her or defend her, even when she’s been clearly wronged. They’re giving her a reason to heartily dislike them and mistrust them. They’re putting their reputations ahead of her physical safety. Is that something they really want to do? Fortunately, your niece is old enough to go the police on her own and she’s got you supporting her. She does indeed need to do what she needs to do to feel safe, and it can be hard to go against one’s parents. I wish her and you the strength and courage to do something about this and put her safety ahead of her parents’ reputations. Ask your sister which she and her husband would rather damage – their reputation or their relationship with your niece. ---
**Author:** ![Gfactor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9de053/32.png) [@Gfactor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gfactor)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-niece-has-been-raped/497632/98 "2009-05-26T22:42:54Z")
> [@ParentalAdvisory](#): > > We get a choice? In the past when the OP requested it be closed, y’all just did it. 1. That’s not entirely true. 2. Yeah. Now I’m giving people a chance to comment, get in a response or two, or talk me out of closing the thread in cases where it’s not an emergency (which is most of them). [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=11173361&postcount=188](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=11173361&postcount=188) ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-niece-has-been-raped/497632/99 "2009-05-26T23:12:14Z")
> [@Siege](#): > > B]SnugTheJoiner\*\*, please talk to your sister again. I’ve got a bit of information which I think may be important. When I was 16 I was molested in a much, much milder fashion by an acquaintance. I told my parents. My father refused to do anything about it because he didn’t want to damage his standing in the community. The lesson I learned from that was I was worth less than his reputation, and it damaged our relationship rather badly. About 15 years after it happened, Mum told me she knows they did the wrong thing, and I think he regrets it, but the choice he made stands. I don’t want to hijack this thread but I find it astonishing that you would forgive him, especially if he stands by his decision to this day. ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2009, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-niece-has-been-raped/497632/100 "2009-05-26T23:14:48Z")
In addition to calling police and presumably get a rape kit done, see if you can find out what unit he’s assigned to and write a nice letter to his commanding officer informing him of the assault. The CID may get involved as well. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-niece-has-been-raped/497632.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-niece-has-been-raped/497632.md?page=6)