# my parents want me to break off my engagement **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 9, 2010, 12:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-parents-want-me-to-break-off-my-engagement/528265 "2010-02-09T12:17:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2010, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-parents-want-me-to-break-off-my-engagement/528265/41 "2010-02-09T20:06:44Z")
> [@trapezoidal\_jellyfish](#): > > Whew. This has been one heck of a day. > > After reading all of these helpful thoughts, a session with my therapist and a talk with my fiance, we’ve come to something of an agreement. We’re going to postpone the wedding, probably for a year. We have to determine what we’re doing for the next year, but we now have some breathing room. Fiance readily agreed that this is the best thing for us at this time. I still have to talk to my parents, but life suddenly looks a lot brighter. > > thanks everyone. > > oh, and when was the last time everyone who replied to an OP pretty much agreed? That’s great news and yes, pretty unusual for so much consensus around here! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2010, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-parents-want-me-to-break-off-my-engagement/528265/42 "2010-02-09T20:08:36Z")
Well, that’ll teach me to wander off to have some lunch in the middle of composing a reply. Good for you. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Hamster\_King](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8edcca/32.png) [@The\_Hamster\_King](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Hamster_King)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2010, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-parents-want-me-to-break-off-my-engagement/528265/43 "2010-02-09T20:17:46Z")
> [@trapezoidal\_jellyfish](#): > > I still have to talk to my parents, **but life suddenly looks a lot brighter.** This gut response is a good indication you’re making the right choice. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2010, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-parents-want-me-to-break-off-my-engagement/528265/44 "2010-02-09T20:23:50Z")
> [@trapezoidal\_jellyfish](#): > > postponing is difficult to arrange. what do we do in the meantime? whatever it is, he’ll probably end up resenting me so much that I’ll feel guilty for the rest of my life, if we even end up together. Well, what my brother and his then-girlfriend did for seven years was speak on the phone for half an hour to one hour every day and meet on Saturdays… and they were both virgins in their wedding night, something which is definitely not a requirement in our social circle. Both our home town and the town where he was in university for the first year of their relationship are one hour away from her home town. He luckied out for his military service and did it in her home town, but they still couldn’t meet more than once or twice a week, between his duties and her studying. He stayed there for another year while writing his “Project” (a dissertation required for his degree) and then came back home. They set a date when he’d already passed the trial period in his first job; she’d finished the coursework part of her studies (med school) and needed to pass the state exam (which she did 3 years after the wedding, something which is quite normal - during those 3 years she held part-time jobs teaching aerobics classes). Just thought you’d like to know there’s other couples out there who need to take a relatively long time and somehow manage to not explode while waiting 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2010, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-parents-want-me-to-break-off-my-engagement/528265/45 "2010-02-09T21:25:32Z")
You made the right choice, and you sound like you’re dealing with this in the right way. Keep it up! ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2010, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-parents-want-me-to-break-off-my-engagement/528265/46 "2010-02-09T21:32:18Z")
> [@The\_Hamster\_King](#): > > This gut response is a good indication you’re making the right choice. Agreed - your reaction to a choice you make can sometimes be all the guide you need. I’m glad to hear you’re going to work things out a little better, **trapezoidal**. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2010, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-parents-want-me-to-break-off-my-engagement/528265/47 "2010-02-09T21:43:44Z")
> [@trapezoidal\_jellyfish](#): > > I’m just looking to vent, but sympathy and advice are both welcome, if you have any. (insert pitiful-looking-smiley here) > > Here’s the story: > > Fiance and I met 5 months ago, and have been engaged for 3. The wedding is planned for June. I know it sounds like this is happening incredibly fast, but in our religious community this sort of time frame is actually pretty normal. > > Fiance wants to be a Rabbi. Drop him like a hot rock. That’s all you need for a reason. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2010, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-parents-want-me-to-break-off-my-engagement/528265/48 "2010-02-09T22:23:10Z")
> [@trapezoidal\_jellyfish](#): > > My parents have offered to pay for him to see someone, at least for a while. I’ve tried to find him free clinics and things like that. I know as well as anyone, however, that you can’t force therapy on someone. If he’s not invested in it then there’s no point. \*\*He would do it for me, but it’s not really a priority for him right now. \*\* Instead of echoing all the good points in this thread, I’ll just ask you to re-read that sentence. Either you’re telling yourself he would do it for you if you _really_ wanted him to (as opposed to… whatever you want now?), or you haven’t told him it’s a priority. Either way, something’s got to change. ---
**Author:** ![Magicicada](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c67d28/32.png) [@Magicicada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magicicada)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2010, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-parents-want-me-to-break-off-my-engagement/528265/49 "2010-02-09T23:04:11Z")
> [@trapezoidal\_jellyfish](#): > > oh, and when was the last time everyone who replied to an OP pretty much agreed? When I originally read the title, I was going to come rushing to you & your fiance’s defense, and say a few words about parental interference. Then I read the post, and, yeah, pretty much what everyone else said. I do think it’s cool that you had the courage to face up to being unsure about your engagement and the willingness to ask for advice, and I really really hope everything will work out well for you. Best wishes. ---
**Author:** ![Gangster\_Octopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a8b319/32.png) [@Gangster\_Octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gangster_Octopus)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2010, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-parents-want-me-to-break-off-my-engagement/528265/50 "2010-02-09T23:45:34Z")
Nevermind, missed your last post. No more advice needed. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2010, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-parents-want-me-to-break-off-my-engagement/528265/51 "2010-02-09T23:47:32Z")
I think you’ve made a very wise, mature decision. ---
**Author:** ![Saint\_Cad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saint_cad/32/18907_2.png) [@Saint\_Cad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Cad)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-parents-want-me-to-break-off-my-engagement/528265/52 "2010-02-10T03:11:38Z")
Are there options for being a Jewish scholar rather than just being a rabbi? Could he get an advanced degree and become a teacher of religious studies or something? I think waiting is a good idea as well. Right now you can’t sort out if it’s nervousness about a huge life committment (you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t have some doubt) or a gut instinct that despite all of the bliss this is not a good match for the long run. Wait a while and see how things play out. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-parents-want-me-to-break-off-my-engagement/528265/53 "2010-02-10T03:27:33Z")
I thought of one other thing that every young person needs to know (and believe) - you can’t fix anyone else. I guess you need to decide how this applies to you and your fiancé. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-parents-want-me-to-break-off-my-engagement/528265/54 "2010-02-10T03:40:13Z")
Can you do something for yourself? Will you please remember that your fiance did NOT resent you, but listened and heard your concerns and came to an agreement with you? Your needs and concerns deserve to be voiced in all your relationships–but most especially in your marital one. Please remember that he did not do as you thought he would. And congrats on doing the best thing for all concerned. Good luck in future. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![GilaB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@GilaB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GilaB)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-parents-want-me-to-break-off-my-engagement/528265/55 "2010-02-10T05:22:06Z")
I am very glad that you’ve decided to postpone the wedding. Each of you needs time to get the rest of your lives together (jobs, school, psychology, etc.) before trying to deal with marriage. The beginning of marriage is **hard** for many couples, and you don’t need to pile that on top of all of the other things you’re trying to sort through. Be there for each other this next year as you deal with everything, and just keep being open with each other. It’s much healthier for both of you right now, and for your relationship in the long term. ---
**Author:** ![cerberus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@cerberus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cerberus)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-parents-want-me-to-break-off-my-engagement/528265/56 "2010-02-10T05:33:22Z")
[Blunt Assessment]Neither one of you is ready for a permanent relationship. Fix yourself first, then reassess[/Blunt Assessment] ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 8:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-parents-want-me-to-break-off-my-engagement/528265/57 "2010-02-10T08:40:53Z")
During the next year, take time for yourself! That’s not selfish at all. Getting through an episode of depression is heavy stuff. (I hope you know that it’s not your fault.) You need to have firm footing for yourself – especially if you are beginning a new career! Meanwhile, encourage your fiance to depend on himself, not you. For his own sense of well-being, he will need to be self-supporting as quickly as possible. Can he talk with his own rabbi for counselling – especially about his own career? As much as you love him, marriage is going to add a level of stress to the relationship. It can be wonderful, but that’s when things are falling into place. What kind of father would this man make? I’m go glad that things are feeling better for you. You really knew it all along, I think. Learn to listen to that voice inside. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 9:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-parents-want-me-to-break-off-my-engagement/528265/58 "2010-02-10T09:00:45Z")
> [@trapezoidal\_jellyfish](#): > > Whew. This has been one heck of a day. > > After reading all of these helpful thoughts, a session with my therapist and a talk with my fiance, we’ve come to something of an agreement. We’re going to postpone the wedding, probably for a year. We have to determine what we’re doing for the next year, but we now have some breathing room. Fiance readily agreed that this is the best thing for us at this time. I still have to talk to my parents, but life suddenly looks a lot brighter. Well done - I think you’ve made the right decision. Try to keep in mind though that this year isn’t really an inconvenient obstacle in the way of your relationship, it’s a precious _opportunity_ to fix things in whatever way turns out to be the best way. You have some problems to work through - the pressure of being married would just have been another problem - and a problem that would have exerted pressure on all the other problems. > [@](#): > > oh, and when was the last time everyone who replied to an OP pretty much agreed? It is nice, isn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 12:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-parents-want-me-to-break-off-my-engagement/528265/59 "2010-02-10T12:08:52Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > **If you walk through a valley of red flags to marry someone you will be beaten by every one of them on your way back out.** > > Postpone the wedding. Cancel it. Whatever. Get your life together first. And he needs to get his life together. It isn’t your job to pick up his pieces. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2010, 1:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-parents-want-me-to-break-off-my-engagement/528265/60 "2010-02-10T13:24:00Z")
Sounds like you’ve made a wise choice. Hope it all works out for you. > [@trapezoidal\_jellyfish](#): > > First- divorce is not taboo for us. it happens all the time. still, it’s a painful process that no one really wants to have to go through, just like in the non-religious world. You know, you can’t go wrong making choices as though divorce isn’t an option. 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-parents-want-me-to-break-off-my-engagement/528265.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-parents-want-me-to-break-off-my-engagement/528265.md?page=4)