# My partner won’t let my mother look after our baby **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 10, 2008, 10:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543 "2008-12-10T10:37:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/41 "2008-12-10T16:14:16Z")
I would go with the flow. Between a mid-December birth and a mid-January class, are either of you going to want to leave the baby completely anyway? She can be there to help, just not alone with baby. You will all be hunkered down with baby and this won’t really be an issue. ---
**Author:** ![legalsnugs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/45deac/32.png) [@legalsnugs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/legalsnugs)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/42 "2008-12-10T16:26:29Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > I would go with the flow. Between a mid-December birth and a mid-January class, are either of you going to want to leave the baby completely anyway? She can be there to help, just not alone with baby. You will all be hunkered down with baby and this won’t really be an issue. Yeah, and if she’s as great as she sounds, she’ll be there to take care of HER baby,\* not yours! \*that’d be you. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/43 "2008-12-10T16:31:57Z")
As a first time father of a 5mo old, I agree with gigi. In the first month of your baby’s life, there’s really no compelling reason for you to leave the child under the unsupervised care of someone else. If you’re breastfeeding, you have to realize that the baby will need to eat regularly, and will be eating directly from you. You can’t go out to a movie unless you have the baby bottle trained, which is not recommended until at least 3-4 weeks. It’s also true that hubby is overreacting. What will probably help is to have your mom come over to spend time with you and the baby, and she will be showing him how well she can care for him. My wife was convinced that she would never leave our child alone with her mother, but we’ve done it a few times already, because she has a much better feeling of trust after seeing her mom spend time with the little guy. ---
**Author:** ![YoudNeverGuess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a587f6/32.png) [@YoudNeverGuess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YoudNeverGuess)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/44 "2008-12-10T16:43:46Z")
> [@neutron\_star](#): > > Quite frankly, if I were your mom, I’d be very insulted that you signed me up for a class like that, and I wouldn’t show up.\ > > e: or, yeah, what **Smeghead** said. > > e2: actually, it made me a little bit angry just reading your OP and I don’t even know you, so I can’t imagine how your mother must feel. Agreed 100%. I’ve never even _heard_ of such a thing as a ‘grandparents’ class’. Sounds like an extremely patronising money-making scheme to me. It would be one thing if you came from a completely dysfunctional home, your mother was a substance-abuser or otherwise ‘not all there’ but to require any intelligent adult, let alone a person who has successfully raised children of their own, let alone _moreover_ a person who was once a nurse?!?!? I really do think your mother’s an angel and your partner sounds a little neurotic. He really needs to relax a bit or, as another poster said, no one will want to spend any time around your child. I’ve seen it happen where over-protective, controlling parents have made their children into social pariahs and have alienated their friends and family. Don’t let that happen. I’d be willing to bet money that you and your partner will be looking for advice from your mother soon, not the other way around. ---
**Author:** ![Atomicflea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/58956e/32.png) [@Atomicflea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atomicflea)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/45 "2008-12-10T16:44:49Z")
I’d say give it time. Once you’re sleep-deprived and starved for some time to yourselves, he won’t care if Grandma is a raging alcoholic as long as she pinky-swears not to drop the baby while he showers and naps. ---
**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/46 "2008-12-10T16:45:03Z")
Your “partner” needs a good swift kick in the nads. He’s being an ass. The rest of you with “Oh, you can’t do that now, this has changed… OMG! My precious little SNOWFLAKE!” need a metaphorical slap too. Kids are not china dolls. Kids are tough, kids are resilient, kids are a lot more durable than you think they are. Your kid isn’t going to die from eating ice cream or bouncing in a walker or even, Jesus Christ forbid, sleeping on his stomach from time to time. There is an entire industry out there devoted to feeding the panic and fears of parents. Don’t let them get to you. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/47 "2008-12-10T16:46:59Z")
Let me get this straight…the child’s father seriously believes that the woman that birthed and raised you, and happens to be a pediatric nurse, needs a frakking class before being allowed to babysit his precious snowflake? That’s batshit insane. If I were your mother…well, I’d be rich as the world’s first male “mother”…but I’d also be righteously pissed off. Caring for a baby ain’t that hard. People have done it for thousands of years, and somehow the species has managed to avoid extinction. ---
**Author:** ![phall0106](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/phall0106/32/5934_2.png) [@phall0106](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phall0106)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/48 "2008-12-10T16:51:47Z")
Did your partner say what specifically causes him to dismiss your mother? Perhaps he knows something (or saw something) that he’s reluctant to share with you. My mom raised my brother and I. Although she wasn’t around (lived across the country) when the Hallkids were babies, she now is around for my brother’s kids (now 5 and 8). That being said, I’ve seen my mom pull some stuff with my nephews that have caused me to think, “There’s no way you’d get ahold of MY kids.” Of course, it’s unlikely that any of what I’ve seen my mother do (or not do) would be corrected by a one-time class. ---
**Author:** ![truthbot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@truthbot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/truthbot)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/49 "2008-12-10T17:31:24Z")
I didn’t realize that I needed to audition to be a grandmother. Amazing that none of the five grandkiddies haven’t expired while in my care. Is there an online OldFart University where I can get the required certificate? ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/50 "2008-12-10T17:44:32Z")
You should definitely go with the flow, especially since your mom is trying hard not to turn it into a fight, even though your partner is overreacting. That being said (as someone who doesn’t have children yet but is planning to), if it were me, it would be World War III if my husband thought he could unilaterally deny my mother unsupervised access to a baby of ours over a grandparenting course. I would probably see it as some kind of power play on his part, since the grandparenting class seems like a BS excuse to me, and my overreaction to that would make his overreaction look like nothing. If he had a good reason, that’s something else entirely, but in the situation you describe (assuming my family and lacking other info- my mother never left us with my paternal grandmother, and she had reasons), I’d be irate. Of course, what I would do is not what anyone _should_ do. ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_T](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Gary\_T](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_T)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/51 "2008-12-10T18:00:34Z")
I was asked to wipe my hands with a disposable towelette before handling my cousin’s infant. I was surprise and somewhat offended. (I’ve handled Lord-knows-how-many babies without using a towelette first, none of whom have died.) As years passed, I came to realize that this was but one indication of said cousin’s hyperworrying/hypercontrolling instincts. My vote is to address the issue now, lest the attitude go unchecked and lead to further problems down the road. ---
**Author:** ![Marienee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/73ab20/32.png) [@Marienee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marienee)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/52 "2008-12-10T20:42:05Z")
> [@Atomicflea](#): > > I’d say give it time. Once you’re sleep-deprived and starved for some time to yourselves, he won’t care if Grandma is a raging alcoholic as long as she pinky-swears not to drop the baby while he showers and naps. I think actually this, er, evolution in parenting does not usually happen until baby # 2. Illustrative example: Eldest’s first food (other than whatever my mother and my MIL fed him which I most firmly Did Not Want to Know) was barley cereal at six months or so, then we moved up slowly, one food at a time…Youngest’s first food was, um, a potato chip. Well, his brother gave it to him, the baby was crying and he thought it might help… ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/53 "2008-12-10T21:24:59Z")
> [@TokyoPlayer](#): > > Once he’s gotten used to being up at 3 to 5 am trying to get her/him to sleep again, Daddy will welcome a little relief, even from an uneducated grandmother. Yup; give him three weeks and never mind demanding that Grandma have to study to be allowed to look after the kid, he’ll be happy to pay some street corner derro a bottle of meths in exchange for eight hours of sweet, blessed sleep. ---
**Author:** ![vix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a88e4f/32.png) [@vix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vix)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/54 "2008-12-10T21:32:25Z")
I do think he’s overreacting, but I can also see where he’s coming from. As many have said, there are some parenting recommendations that have changed over time, and there’s also the issue of personal parenting style and preference. I breastfed my son, but my MIL did not breastfeed any of her kids. The first time I traveled to visit her and my FIL, the baby was about six weeks old. He was nursing every 45 minutes to 1.5 hours or so. But formula fed kids don’t eat as often, so when he started to fuss a relatively short amount of time after eating, my MIL assumed he couldn’t be hungry and discouraged me from feeding him. She walked with him and bounced him and tried to get him to stop fussing. I let this go on for maybe a day, freaking out the whole time. First of all, new moms freak about everything, and secondly, my MIL is a wonderful, nurturing person who raised six kids and already had seven other grandkids: why should I doubt her expertise? Luckily for my sanity, my mom (who had breastfed) was there, too. She realized that my kid and I were suffering and gently advised me to feed him whenever he wanted to eat. I know a few other people who have had similar differences of opinion/experience with grandparents. It’s not THAT far-fetched an idea. ---
**Author:** ![Dublin11](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Dublin11](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dublin11)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/55 "2008-12-10T21:37:30Z")
Dictating terms is all very well if you’re a dictator. If you’re half of a partnership, it’s a big fat red flag for the other person. This baby is as much his as it is yours, why does he think he gets the whole say? ---
**Author:** ![SandyHook](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dec6dc/32.png) [@SandyHook](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SandyHook)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/56 "2008-12-10T21:58:43Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > Let me get this straight…the child’s father seriously believes that the woman that birthed and raised you, and happens to be a pediatric nurse, needs a frakking class before being allowed to babysit his precious snowflake? > > That’s batshit insane. If I were your mother…well, I’d be rich as the world’s first male “mother”…but I’d also be righteously pissed off. Caring for a baby ain’t that hard. People have done it for thousands of years, and somehow the species has managed to avoid extinction. I was going to quote Wierd Dave, the poster directly before Oakminster, and agree with him but Oakminster put it much better with, “That’s batshit insane”. Unless there is something going on with your mother that you haven’t mentioned yet I have to conclude that your partner is an idiot. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/57 "2008-12-10T22:07:19Z")
> [@SandyHook](#): > > Unless there is something going on with your mother that you haven’t mentioned yet I have to conclude that your partner is an idiot. If I were to assume for the moment your partner was not simply an idiot/insane, I would wonder WHY he specifically objected to your mother being a caretaker. Have you asked him, OP? ---
**Author:** ![BigNik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/73ab20/32.png) [@BigNik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigNik)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/58 "2008-12-10T22:09:00Z")
> [@faithfool](#): > > How does he get along with her? Is it possible that he sees this as her usurping his (or both of your) authority? Kinda this, but with less power play and more subtext. Do they really get along OK? Are you sure? I’ve got one friend whose husband still doesn’t realise that the reason she won’t let his parents look after the kids is because she finds his mother too odious to be around and too offensive to subject the kids to, but she plays nice around the mother-in-law (that she can barely tolerate) to prevent domestic disharmony. Could there be other issues that you’re not necessarily picking up? ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/59 "2008-12-10T22:46:20Z")
> [@Gary\_T](#): > > I was asked to wipe my hands with a disposable towelette before handling my cousin’s infant. I was surprise and somewhat offended. (I’ve handled Lord-knows-how-many babies without using a towelette first, none of whom have died.) As years passed, I came to realize that this was but one indication of said cousin’s hyperworrying/hypercontrolling instincts. My vote is to address the issue now, lest the attitude go unchecked and lead to further problems down the road. I don’t know. My friend’s daughter died of MRSA and it leaves me afraid of bugs and handling others’ babies. If anyone wanted me to be extra-careful, so be it. (She’s pretty laid back with her new baby and other daughter, actually!) I know the chances are tiny that I would happen to be carrying anything like that, and prevention attempts may not do much anyway, but I’m left paranoid after her experience. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2008, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/60 "2008-12-10T22:55:08Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > As a first time father of a 5mo old, I agree with gigi. In the first month of your baby’s life, there’s really no compelling reason for you to leave the child under the unsupervised care of someone else. If you’re breastfeeding, you have to realize that the baby will need to eat regularly, and will be eating directly from you. You can’t go out to a movie unless you have the baby bottle trained, which is not recommended until at least 3-4 weeks. > > It’s also true that hubby is overreacting. What will probably help is to have your mom come over to spend time with you and the baby, and she will be showing him how well she can care for him. My wife was convinced that she would never leave our child alone with her mother, but we’ve done it a few times already, because she has a much better feeling of trust after seeing her mom spend time with the little guy. I’ll disagree here. I suffered from PPD - getting out of the house those first few weeks probably saved my life. You may need to get away from the baby. You may choose to get away from the baby. New babies and postpartum hormones can be overwhelming. Even a newborn can go several hours without nursing, you may choose to use those several hours to leave the house. If you need to see a movie - bottle train the kid and screw the experts - it isn’t worth your mental health. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543.md?page=4)