# My partner won’t let my mother look after our baby **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 10, 2008, 10:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543 "2008-12-10T10:37:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2008, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/81 "2008-12-11T13:18:42Z")
> [@kambuckta](#): > > The OP just made me so bloody sad. > > What has happened in this world? Once upon a time, new parents turned to _their_ parents (and other extended family members) for support and advice, and for the most part, the advice worked damned well. What’s happened is that parents have started listening more to doctors and researchers than to the “wisdom” of the grandparents. Grandparents only know what they were told by the great grandparents, or doctors of old, and a LOT of that information is suspect. Take one example, tummy sleeping. That used to be the standard of care because babies sleep better that way, and they won’t choke on spit up. Today, tummy sleeping is out because it increases the risk of SIDS, and makes no difference at all with choking. This change, along with other sleep choices (no blankets, etc.) beaten into the heads of parents over the last couple of decades has helped reduce SIDS from 1.5 deaths per 1,000 to .5 deaths per 1,000. One death per 1,000 infants, that’s pretty good for a simple change of technique. So, when people say “we survived just fine” that’s only true for those who didn’t die from the advice. The dead didn’t survive just fine, but they’re not here to argue the case. Link to SIDS incidence rates [Link](http://sids.org/nannualrates.htm) ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2008, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/82 "2008-12-11T13:27:26Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Even a newborn can go several hours without nursing, you may choose to use those several hours to leave the house. If you need to see a movie - bottle train the kid and screw the experts - it isn’t worth your mental health. Breast milk can also be refrigerated and warmed up later. Breastfeeding is no reason for a new mother to be able to leave the house every once in a while. Needing a sanity break and talking with actual adults don’t make you a bad mother. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2008, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/83 "2008-12-11T13:52:44Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Do you have a cite for this? Because this directly contradicts conventional wisdom about botulism, which is often referred to as “extremely heat resistant” and “immune to pasteurization”. > > Of course, I’m willing to believe we have more knowledge now, as it’s been my point all thread, but that would be seriously rewriting not just the honey recommendation, but a basic fact about botulism that’s pretty easy to test in the lab. > > As I was taught, the precautions in canning are for listeria, e. coli and molds. If you have a botulism problem, you won’t know it until they’re sealed in their oxygen free environment and start producing toxin, making the can bubble or the jar break its seal, at which point you throw the thing away! I know the 9pm news may not be the most quotable source, but according to them, every case of botulism in Spain in the last more-than-20-years has been linked to “improperly sterilized homemade preserves which weren’t detected or discarded”. When this came up in conversation with my-SiL-the-doc (who refused to use any kind of canned goods due to fear of botulism) she said she didn’t think it was true; we asked her to research it a bit (she has the best access of us to medical info)… she started using canned goods. Uhmmmm… ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2008, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/84 "2008-12-11T14:08:00Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > I’ll disagree here. I suffered from PPD - getting out of the house those first few weeks probably saved my life. PPD, or any other serious medical issue changes the picture. If mother, father and baby are all reasonably healthy, mom and dad do not necessarily need to have a night out together while someone else cares for the baby. Not during the first few weeks, at least. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2008, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/85 "2008-12-11T14:14:22Z")
Not to mention that I said, “not likely to want to” not that it’s not allowed or it makes you a bad mother if you do want to. Jeesh, way to twist a girl’s words, people! ---
**Author:** ![Marienee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/73ab20/32.png) [@Marienee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marienee)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2008, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/86 "2008-12-11T15:19:29Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > What’s happened is that parents have started listening more to doctors and researchers than to the “wisdom” of the grandparents. Grandparents only know what they were told by the great grandparents, or doctors of old, and a LOT of that information is suspect. > > Take one example, tummy sleeping. That used to be the standard of care because babies sleep better that way, and they won’t choke on spit up. Today, tummy sleeping is out because it increases the risk of SIDS, and makes no difference at all with choking. This change, along with other sleep choices (no blankets, etc.) beaten into the heads of parents over the last couple of decades has helped reduce SIDS from 1.5 deaths per 1,000 to .5 deaths per 1,000. One death per 1,000 infants, that’s pretty good for a simple change of technique. > > So, when people say “we survived just fine” that’s only true for those who didn’t die from the advice. The dead didn’t survive just fine, but they’re not here to argue the case. > > Link to SIDS incidence rates [Link](http://sids.org/nannualrates.htm) You know what? A lot of the advice from experts is suspect too. I am pretty sure that if I had followed the advice of my ped instead of my mother and aunties when Eldest was an infant, breastfeeding would have lasted about ten minutes. It was, simply, bad advice if I wanted to nurse. Tummy sleeping became the standard of care because of medical advice; it isn’t as though all those old wives made it up en masse. Prior to the medical advice, people put their babies to sleep in whatever position seemed to them to work, and mostly they slept with their kids – which either increases or decreases your SIDS risk depending mostly on the situation. It was not a simple change of technique; it was a number of changes to the modern method of infant sleeping (alone, with certain types of bedding and so on) which has existed for a very short time. And the fact remains that the risk of SIDS was and remains very small. In the mean time, hosts of parents are doing everything short of strapping their mobile babies down to keep them on their backs, even though the risk after a baby is mobile goes from small to vanishingly small. Not to mention the increase in skull malformation caused by remaining in the same position for extended periods of time. ---
**Author:** ![SandyHook](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dec6dc/32.png) [@SandyHook](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SandyHook)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2008, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/87 "2008-12-11T16:21:27Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Do you have a cite for this? Because this directly contradicts conventional wisdom about botulism, which is often referred to as “extremely heat resistant” and “immune to pasteurization”. The botulism spore itself is easily killed. The toxin it may have produced up to being killed is what is heat resistant. It’s the toxin, of course, not the spore itself that does the damage. ---
**Author:** ![Dottygumdrop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Dottygumdrop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dottygumdrop)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2008, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/88 "2008-12-11T16:33:44Z")
> [@Caffeine.addict](#): > > [hijack]I hadn’t heard the one about the feet at the bottom of the crib. Why does that make a difference? Ours is still in a bassinet, and he sleeps in the middle. [/hijack] If you put baby in his cot with his feet at the bottom, then he can’t wriggle down under the blankets and possibly suffocate. As to the OP, my mother was my lifeline and my saviour during the first 6 weeks after my daughter was born. She’s no nurse, but she is a mother of four and a grandmother to 6 (including my daughter), and willingly listened to all the expert advice about SIDS prevention, etc. Modern medical advice aside, my mother was exactly who I needed around because, unlike me, she knew what she was doing, but perhaps more importantly, she waited to be asked before she gave advice! ---
**Author:** ![yojimbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yojimbo/32/232_2.png) [@yojimbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yojimbo)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2008, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/89 "2008-12-11T16:48:56Z")
It’s his right etc. etc. etc. but IMO it’s an over reaction. My Ma would laugh at me if I ever did something similar. She’d go if she could but would break my balls about it first. In fact she could possibly go a different way, she could say that that’s grand as she’s obviously under qualified to look after the sprog and regrets the fact that I’ll have to spend extra money on child care because of it. She’d then break my balls about it and eventually go. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2008, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/90 "2008-12-11T17:54:16Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > But a handiwipe is not adequate protection against MRSA. No, I know, but I just mean I wouldn’t shrug off someone’s concern and if it makes them feel better than they may avoid any kind of bug, so be it. ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2008, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/91 "2008-12-11T18:19:01Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > We’re very, very happy that The Niece is #2. > > She’s a tummy sleeper like I was: if she’d been #1, her parental units would have been totally freaked out, but being #2, the first time she flopped over and started snoring within seconds they just went “oh, ok.” My wife and I joke that when Child #1 drops a cookie on the floor, the parent rushes over; tells the child, “No, that’s dirty;” and throws the cookie away. When Child #2 drops a cookie, that parent picks up the cookie, blows it off, and cites the five second rule. When Child #3 drops a cookie, the parent just sort of kicks the cookie over to the child. ---
**Author:** ![Marienee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/73ab20/32.png) [@Marienee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marienee)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2008, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/92 "2008-12-11T18:50:51Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Not to mention that I said, “not likely to want to” not that it’s not allowed or it makes you a bad mother if you do want to. Jeesh, way to twist a girl’s words, people! I by no means ever meant to suggest that you had said that, and if I hinted at it, I apologize most profusely. But that particular story makes me instantly nuts and you happened to be the one to take it up. Sorry. I am not the head of the national association of bee keepers or anything; it’s just that I think the current level of hysteria around parenting (which actually seems to be slacking off a bit, happily) is unhealthy. It’s unhealthy for extended family, unhealthy for the parents too. It’s scary enough to be a parent without every damn thing you do becoming a life-and-death risk to baby. It’s no wonder people get crazy. I have seen with my own eyes at least one person talking about the danger of honey to babies and the irresponsibility of allowing them to have any (apropos of somebody else natch) while coating a pacifier with corn syrup. erahem, I said… ---
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/93 "2008-12-12T02:56:29Z")
> [@Mollie\_Magill](#): > > My wife and I joke that when Child #1 drops a cookie on the floor, the parent rushes over; tells the child, “No, that’s dirty;” and throws the cookie away. When Child #2 drops a cookie, that parent picks up the cookie, blows it off, and cites the five second rule. When Child #3 drops a cookie, the parent just sort of kicks the cookie over to the child. My mom told me that when Child #1 drops his pacifier, the parent will sterilize it in boiling water for 30 minutes before giving it back to the baby. When Child #2 drops his pacifier, the parent will rinse it off under the tap for a second or two before giving it back to the baby. When Child #3 drops the pacifier, the parent will let the dog lick it off and then give it back to the baby. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Snnipe\_70E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5a626/32.png) [@Snnipe\_70E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snnipe_70E)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/94 "2008-12-12T02:57:22Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > He’s totally overreacting. It’s his first kid, uh? That is what I was thinking. “First child? huh?” ---
**Author:** ![leander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bcef8e/32.png) [@leander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leander)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/95 "2008-12-12T03:20:05Z")
> [@TokyoPlayer](#): > > The new father of a two-month old adorable baby girl checking in. Her hobbies are smiling and screaming. > > Sure, he’s over reacting, but what new-parent-to-be doesn’t? > > My advice. Don’t worry. New fathers don’t know shit until the baby is there. Once he’s gotten used to being up at 3 to 5 am trying to get her/him to sleep again, Daddy will welcome a little relief, even from an uneducated grandmother. This x1000. It’s the steepest and hardest learning curve I’ve ever had. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/96 "2008-12-12T03:32:35Z")
> [@Moglet](#): > > However, my partner was very annoyed that she didn’t go and now he’s said that \*\*he will not let \*\*her look after the baby without one of us present until she’s done that class. _[emphasis mine]_ I believe the correct response is, “Who died and made him God?” Now, I think all care-givers should have training courses; we don’t live in extended families were two or three generations of experience are readily available anymore. But your partner is way out of line to be issuing fiats against a grandmother and a nurse. Tell him he is wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Marlitharn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/779978/32.png) [@Marlitharn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marlitharn)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/97 "2008-12-12T04:19:00Z")
My only requirement when dropping my kids off at my mom’s house was that they still be alive and not on fire (and not have Kool-Aid mustaches - Kool-Aid mustaches on little kids just gross me out) when I came to pick them up. Does that make me a bad mother? Feed your kid, keep it clean, play with it, let it interact with other people on its own terms, and just _relax_. Babies are easy. It’s when they grow up and start asking questions about the world that it gets difficult. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/98 "2008-12-12T04:33:42Z")
> [@Dottygumdrop](#): > > If you put baby in his cot with his feet at the bottom, then he can’t wriggle down under the blankets and possibly suffocate. > > As to the OP, my mother was my lifeline and my saviour during the first 6 weeks after my daughter was born. She’s no nurse, but she is a mother of four and a grandmother to 6 (including my daughter), and willingly listened to all the expert advice about SIDS prevention, etc. Modern medical advice aside, my mother was exactly who I needed around because, unlike me, she knew what she was doing, but perhaps more importantly, she waited to be asked before she gave advice! I thought they weren’t supposed to have blankets at all? ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/99 "2008-12-12T04:59:19Z")
> [@Cazzle](#): > > Do not put malt on the baby’s dummy. I think I know what each of these words mean individually, but put together in that order, they baffle me. ---
**Author:** ![greatshakes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/58956e/32.png) [@greatshakes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/greatshakes)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/100 "2008-12-12T14:20:48Z")
If your mother totally dissed the extended family class, she is much sharper than the usual family member. I got hooked into going to one. It is a totally idiotic ritual, something invented to take the place of videotaping a live birth, IMHO. Worthless, pointless, and useless, it is a huge time waster. Your partner should be horsewhipped for signing up your mother. A jillion dollars says your partner hasn’t gone to one. Make partner go to one and then send your mom…with partner. Your partner is the kind of person that scammers and confidence people love. A good tale and partner goes out and puts all sorts of burdens on family members. 'Hey, I’ve got this great idea…for everybody else". Totally uncool. It reminds me of Janet on the Sopranos. See **neutron star** and \*\*Marienee \*\*posts. Leave mom alone. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543.md?page=6)