# My partner won’t let my mother look after our baby **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 10, 2008, 10:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543 "2008-12-10T10:37:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/101 "2008-12-12T14:34:44Z")
> [@greatshakes](#): > > If your mother totally dissed the extended family class, she is much sharper than the usual family member. I got hooked into going to one. It is a totally idiotic ritual, something invented to take the place of videotaping a live birth, IMHO. Worthless, pointless, and useless, it is a huge time waster. Your partner should be horsewhipped for signing up your mother. A jillion dollars says your partner hasn’t gone to one. Make partner go to one and then send your mom…with partner. > Your partner is the kind of person that scammers and confidence people love. A good tale and partner goes out and puts all sorts of burdens on family members. 'Hey, I’ve got this great idea…for everybody else". Totally uncool. It reminds me of Janet on the Sopranos. > See **neutron star** and \*\*Marienee \*\*posts. > Leave mom alone. But do you have a view on this?😃 ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/102 "2008-12-12T14:42:18Z")
> [@j666](#): > > I believe the correct response is, “Who died and made him God?” He is the baby’s parent, you know. Who else should decide who is and isn’t allowed to care for the baby? As an aside on honey pasteurization, this [page](http://www.honeyrunapiaries.com/honey_faq.phtml) states that pasteurized honey is still not safe for infants. Honey pasteurization is at a lower temperature than other pasteurization methods, so that the honey isn’t damaged. Pasteurization of honey is intended to kill yeast, not C. botulinum spores. ---
**Author:** ![greatshakes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/58956e/32.png) [@greatshakes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/greatshakes)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/103 "2008-12-12T14:48:20Z")
> [@Cicero](#): > > But do you have a view on this?😃 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Marienee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/73ab20/32.png) [@Marienee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marienee)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/104 "2008-12-12T15:11:12Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > He is the baby’s parent, you know. Who else should decide who is and isn’t allowed to care for the baby? > > As an aside on honey pasteurization, this [page](http://www.honeyrunapiaries.com/honey_faq.phtml) states that pasteurized honey is still not safe for infants. Honey pasteurization is at a lower temperature than other pasteurization methods, so that the honey isn’t damaged. Pasteurization of honey is intended to kill yeast, not C. botulinum spores. Okay, I am going to try this again. Most honey is safe for infants. Much dirt is not safe for infants. There is no easy way to know what honey (or dirt for that matter) is safe and what is not. Honey can easily be eliminated for the infant diet while dirt cannot be. So the warnings on honey are sensible. This is based on a study in 1978 in California, which occurred because of some events in California in 1976 involving infant botulism. Banning honey though did not decrease the number of cases of infant botulism. It only decreased the number of cases traceable to honey. Inf ant botulism continues to occur and will continue to occur because it is a naturally occurring organism. The risk is not now nor was it ever great. Which is not to say that we should all go out and pour honey down babies. It is also not to say that we should stop putting up our own food, those of us who do anyway. My only point is that most of the “new parenting” is based on overestimation of risk. Slavishly following advice from “experts” is a bad idea, as is slavishly following the advice of grandma. Information is good; but condescention and judgmentalism which drives families apart is bad. The people running the class are not going to come over and look after that baby. The grandmother is. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/105 "2008-12-12T15:36:57Z")
Why don’t I try this again… > [@Marienee](#): > > Heat destroys botulinum spores. Pasteurized honey doesn’t have any. This is wrong. **W. R. O. N. G.** Wrong. Pasteurized honey contains just as many botulinum spores as unpasteurized honey, because the **pasteurization process used for honey does not kill botulinum spores** , it only kills yeast. Is that clear enough? ---
**Author:** ![Marienee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/73ab20/32.png) [@Marienee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marienee)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/106 "2008-12-12T15:46:07Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > Why don’t I try this again…This is wrong. > > [ I don’t know if it is or not, nor do I care. Back in 1978 when the study was done which targeted honey, the spores were only found in raw honey as I recall. However that they might in principle exist in pasteurized honey is okay with me. How many actual cases of infant botulism have been traced to pasteurized honey from a jar which was just opened (as opposed to later contaminated by spores present in the dirt)? Clear enough? ---
**Author:** ![ZenBeam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/3ab097/32.png) [@ZenBeam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZenBeam)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 2008, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/107 "2008-12-12T16:43:28Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > He is the baby’s parent, you know. Who else should decide who is and isn’t allowed to care for the baby? The baby’s other parent? Or maybe, I don’t know, both of them together? ---
**Author:** ![Lust4Life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecc23a/32.png) [@Lust4Life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lust4Life)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2008, 11:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/108 "2008-12-13T11:28:09Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > Let me get this straight…the child’s father seriously believes that the woman that birthed and raised you, and happens to be a pediatric nurse, needs a frakking class before being allowed to babysit his precious snowflake? > > That’s batshit insane. If I were your mother…well, I’d be rich as the world’s first male “mother”…but I’d also be righteously pissed off. Caring for a baby ain’t that hard. People have done it for thousands of years, and somehow the species has managed to avoid extinction. Completely agree with everything that you’ve said plus all the other posters who’ve expressed similar. A first time mother and her equally inexperienced partner have the gall to require the mothers EXPERIENCED mother who is also a medical professional to go on a course before she is allowed to do the new parents a the favour of babysitting for them? I’m suprised the Gran isn’t totally livid at the sheer cheek of it. I hope that when a few months have passed and the sleepless nights,the crying and all the other not so pleasant aspects of parenthood have kicked in and the Father is beegging Gran to give them both a respite she says no,and cites her non attendance of this bizarre course as her not being qualified to do so. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2008, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/109 "2008-12-13T12:05:22Z")
> [@ZenBeam](#): > > The baby’s other parent? Or maybe, I don’t know, both of them together? This is perfectly fine, I was just bristling about the statement that he was “out of line” or suffering from delusions of grandeur, because he made a bold and definitive statement (however misguided) regarding the care of his child. ---
**Author:** ![Lust4Life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ecc23a/32.png) [@Lust4Life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lust4Life)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2008, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/110 "2008-12-13T12:37:26Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > This is perfectly fine, I was just bristling about the statement that he was “out of line” or suffering from delusions of grandeur, because he made a bold and definitive statement (however misguided) regarding the care of his child. Just because he impregnated the mother it doesn’t give him some sort of magically instilled knowledge about parenthood,he may or may not aquire this with time and experience. The Gran obviously already has this as she has raised a child to adulthood and one who must be mentally,physically and socially healthy as this guy sees in the daughter not only someone he wants to be his partner but also the mother of his child. The Gran has a proven track record of competence in this field,he doesn’t. Children aren’t possessions or the subject of power plays(Though they frequently become so)they are human beings and what is best for them is what counts . He sounds more then a little like a control freak and is playing power games. I realise that he is not a young man but it wouldn’t do him any harm to grow up a little and realise what he doesn’t know about children and parenthood and bow to the experience of those who actually do. As to the idea of a Grandparenting course it sound rather ridiculous,I wonder what P.C. bright spark came up with that one? ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2008, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/111 "2008-12-13T16:55:43Z")
> [@Lust4Life](#): > > As to the idea of a Grandparenting course it sound rather ridiculous… OF course it does. OTOH, it’s the grandparents of today that produced the incredibly self-centered dysfunctional assholes who are parents today, so maybe some re-education is in order! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2008, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/112 "2008-12-14T00:45:41Z")
> [@Lust4Life](#): > > Just because he impregnated the mother it doesn’t give him some sort of magically instilled knowledge about parenthood,he may or may not aquire this with time and experience. Just because the mother spread her legs and got impregnated does not give her magically instilled knowledge about parenthood either. However, as the parents, these two ARE the ones who are in charge of the baby’s care, 100% and without reservation. It is not some sort of delusion that they have the power to tell anyone in the world that they are not allowed to care for the baby, it is their right as parents. Nobody “died and made them king” someone was born and made them parents, THAT is where the power to say “You don’t get to babysit my kid” comes from. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2008, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/113 "2008-12-14T04:42:38Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > Just because the mother spread her legs and got impregnated does not give her magically instilled knowledge about parenthood either. However, as the parents, these two ARE the ones who are in charge of the baby’s care, 100% and without reservation. It is not some sort of delusion that they have the power to tell anyone in the world that they are not allowed to care for the baby, it is their right as parents. Nobody “died and made them king” someone was born and made them parents, THAT is where the power to say “You don’t get to babysit my kid” comes from. Yep, _they_ as the parents get to make that decision. The reason people think he is out of line is because of this line in the OP: > [@](#): > > my partner was very annoyed that she didn’t go and now he’s said that he will not let her look after the baby without one of us present until she’s done that class. He’s not out of line because he doesn’t want Grandma to babysit. He’s out of line because it appears that he believes it is _his_ decision to make, not _theirs_. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2008, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/114 "2008-12-15T02:37:18Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > This is perfectly fine, I was just bristling about the statement that he was “out of line” or suffering from delusions of grandeur, because he made a bold and definitive statement (however misguided) regarding the care of his child. It wasn’t just a “bold and definitive statement”, it was a **unilateral decision** about one of his spouse’s parents. Not acceptable. ---
**Author:** ![maggenpye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecc23a/32.png) [@maggenpye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maggenpye)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2008, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/115 "2008-12-15T03:01:45Z")
I just wanted to wish \*\*Moglet \*\*a safe birth and happy Christmas, I’m sure she could do without the drama. Hopefully her SO is just a freaked out new dad. But I still want to know if his parents attended the same course. ---
**Author:** ![bengangmo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@bengangmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bengangmo)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2008, 11:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543/116 "2008-12-15T11:26:31Z")
I can’t help but wonder if this IS a deliberate powerplay by daddy. Grandma sounds great and a wonderful source of support, but maybe (just maybe I am not saying it is the case) she is offering a littel too much advice or Mr Dictator feels she has too much say over raising of bubba and is using this as a way to stamp his authority as “the daddy of the baby” early - rather than have to fight battles later. My own anecdote? I freaked out at my wife very early on. Grandma was carring 10 day old baby in the supermarket (with a wet floor) in one arm while wearing high heels (and grandma not the most ambualtorily stable person either). I am pretty easy going (I would give baby honey) but this just totally freaked me. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-partner-won-t-let-my-mother-look-after-our-baby/476543.md?page=5)