# My patient's bizarre penis **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 31, 2004, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329 "2004-08-31T00:34:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![picunurse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@picunurse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/picunurse)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/21 "2004-08-31T03:14:58Z")
I guess that beats the Christmas tree tatooed on the glans of an unconscious gentleman I had the honor to admit one night. He never woke up, so we never found out _WHY!?_šŸ˜• :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Call\_me\_Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Call\_me\_Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Call_me_Frank)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/22 "2004-08-31T03:41:11Z")
Just out of curiosity, have you any thoughts as to what he had injected into his penis? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/23 "2004-08-31T03:50:59Z")
**QtM** , I donā€™t think Iā€™ve posted in one your anecdotal threads before but I just wanted to say that I always find them fascinating and endlessly entertaining. Have you ever thought of compiling some of your ā€œwar storiesā€ into a book? ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/24 "2004-08-31T04:17:40Z")
> [@Qadgop the Mercotan](#): > > The end result: A penis which was much larger around than it had been. But to the patientā€™s regret and consternation, no length had been added, the thing was not quite as aesthetically pleasing as he had expected, and it hurt like hell when he tried to use it in the traditional copulatory manner. So I guess his bitch had to assault himself? ---
**Author:** ![Jenaroph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e8c25b/32.png) [@Jenaroph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jenaroph)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/25 "2004-08-31T04:18:37Z")
> [@picunurse](#): > > I guess that beats the Christmas tree tatooed on the glans of an unconscious gentleman I had the honor to admit one night. He never woke up, so we never found out _WHY!?_šŸ˜• :eek: Hmmmā€¦ ā€œMerry Christmas honey, heeereā€™s your present!ā€ ā€œOh, George, you _shouldnā€™t_ have! No, really you shouldnā€™t haveā€¦ew.ā€ ---
**Author:** ![Ashes\_Ashes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/db5fbb/32.png) [@Ashes\_Ashes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ashes_Ashes)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/26 "2004-08-31T04:22:40Z")
> [@Diogenes the Cynic](#): > > **QtM** , I donā€™t think Iā€™ve posted in one your anecdotal threads before but I just wanted to say that I always find them fascinating and endlessly entertaining. Have you ever thought of compiling some of your ā€œwar storiesā€ into a book? Seriously. You could do for prison doctoring what James Herriot did for veterinarians. _All Penii Short and Wide_ ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/27 "2004-08-31T04:27:21Z")
> [@Qadgop the Mercotan](#): > > Iā€™ve not identified the patient. Iā€™m not identified by name, nor where I practice. Even if one identified where I work, 12,000 different patients pass thru every year, and each one of them has me as their doctor of record during that time. > > Reporting information on anonymized cases does not violate patient confidentiality. Was his dick injected with silicone? ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/28 "2004-08-31T04:37:41Z")
> [@Ashes](#): > > _All Penii Short and Wide_ Ahemā€¦ _penes_. ---
**Author:** ![Ashes\_Ashes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/db5fbb/32.png) [@Ashes\_Ashes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ashes_Ashes)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/29 "2004-08-31T04:46:27Z")
> [@Inigo Montoya](#): > > Ahemā€¦ _penes_. Dammit, I knew I should have checked. Piffly SDMB, full of smartypantses who know the plural of everything, grumble grumbleā€¦ ---
**Author:** ![duffer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duffer/32/1026_2.png) [@duffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/duffer)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/30 "2004-08-31T05:17:27Z")
Oh, prison penis stories. **QtM** , I have to ask if youā€™ve ever seen anything like this. Back in college I had a friend that had been to prison (I didnā€™t hit college till 24) and he told of a time he used a super-hot wire to burn a hole through his glans. It was a dare but I forget the money he made. Anyway, it was a great story, but when he first told me and my roommate, we immediately called bullshit. Lo and behold he dropped trou and sure as shit, there was one of those little tiny padlocks you sometimes see on a jewelry case. His g/f discovered it was a great way to keep him from cheating on her. This is not anecdotal. I saw the damn mutilation. Apparently he was lucky enough to not hit anything vital and he claimed no functional damage. So is this something that occasionally happens, or is he just a bigger freak than I ever imagined? ---
**Author:** ![roger\_thornhill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d9b06d/32.png) [@roger\_thornhill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/roger_thornhill)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/31 "2004-08-31T05:29:51Z")
> [@Qadgop the Mercotan](#): > > Iā€™ve not identified the patient. Iā€™m not identified by name, nor where I practice. Even if one identified where I work, 12,000 different patients pass thru every year, and each one of them has me as their doctor of record during that time. > > Reporting information on anonymized cases does not violate patient confidentiality. True, **Merc** , but you left too many clues. Someone with a penis fixation, who was ā€˜impecuniousā€™ and left you deeply ā€˜consternatedā€™. So now we know in which part of the States \*\*nonpolar \*\* resides. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 5:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/32 "2004-08-31T05:31:01Z")
> [@duffer](#): > > Oh, prison penis stories. **QtM** , I have to ask if youā€™ve ever seen anything like this. Back in college I had a friend that had been to prison (I didnā€™t hit college till 24) and he told of a time he used a super-hot wire to burn a hole through his glans. It was a dare but I forget the money he made. > > Anyway, it was a great story, but when he first told me and my roommate, we immediately called bullshit. Lo and behold he dropped trou and sure as shit, there was one of those little tiny padlocks you sometimes see on a jewelry case. His g/f discovered it was a great way to keep him from cheating on her. > > This is not anecdotal. I saw the damn mutilation. Apparently he was lucky enough to not hit anything vital and he claimed no functional damage. > > So is this something that occasionally happens, or is he just a bigger freak than I ever imagined? You donā€™t know the half of it. Google on the words ā€œpenis subincisionā€ and prepare for a full body cringe. ---
**Author:** ![duffer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duffer/32/1026_2.png) [@duffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/duffer)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/33 "2004-08-31T05:33:33Z")
> [@roger thornhill](#): > > True, **Merc** , but you left too many clues. Someone with a penis fixation, who was ā€˜impecuniousā€™ and left you deeply ā€˜consternatedā€™. > > So now we know in which part of the States \*\*nonpolar \*\* resides. You know, Iā€™ve seen drawings of people with their heads on the desk slamming their fist on it repeatedly in rapturous laughter, but Iā€™ve never actually done it. Until now. Forget the monitor and keyboard requests. **roger** , you owe me a new desk! :mad: ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/34 "2004-08-31T05:36:45Z")
The burning wire I donā€™t know about ( :eek: ) but for completenessā€™ sake, Iā€™d point out that there are a great variety of piercings of the penis that can be done in a more orthodox manner. ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/35 "2004-08-31T05:43:52Z")
I know you canā€™t legally answer this, Q, so just cough or something if Iā€™m rightā€¦ Was it Jack Dean Tyler? I always knew that Tug-Ahoy thing would cause something unpleasant. ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 5:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/36 "2004-08-31T05:58:38Z")
> [@](#): > > but for completenessā€™ sake, Iā€™d point out that there are a great variety of piercings of the penis that can be done in a more orthodox manner. I donā€™t know about you, but some of the, uh, after-market decorations Iā€™ve seen done to peniiā€¦ penesā€¦ penisesā€¦ dicks, would give you the impression that they were touched up with a chainsaw. ---
**Author:** ![ReBusEniGma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d9b06d/32.png) [@ReBusEniGma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReBusEniGma)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/37 "2004-08-31T06:22:24Z")
> [@picunurse](#): > > I guess that beats the Christmas tree tatooed on the glans of an unconscious gentleman I had the honor to admit one night. He never woke up, so we never found out _WHY!?_šŸ˜• :eek: Cā€™mon **picunurse** , _youā€™d_ be unconcious too if you just had a Christmas tree tatooed on _your_ knob!! :eek: ---
**Author:** ![picunurse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@picunurse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/picunurse)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 7:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/38 "2004-08-31T07:48:15Z")
> [@ReBusEniGma](#): > > Cā€™mon **picunurse** , _youā€™d_ be unconcious too if you just had a Christmas tree tatooed on _your_ knob!! :eek: The blunt object he was hit in the head with probably had more of an impact on his state of consciousness. (sic) I found it strange that it was his only tatoo. Of course, as I think about it, that may be why. ---
**Author:** ![duffer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duffer/32/1026_2.png) [@duffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/duffer)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 8:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/39 "2004-08-31T08:28:24Z")
> [@picunurse](#): > > The blunt object he was hit in the head with probably had more of an impact on his state of consciousness. (sic) > I found it strange that it was his only tatoo. Of course, as I think about it, that may be why. Thatā€™s one hell of a way to get into inking yourself. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 10:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/40 "2004-08-31T10:31:30Z")
Oh, man, I _love_ these stories! Keep 'em coming, **Qadgop** And I agree, you should write a book. If the writing part is an obstacle you can hire a ghost writer to help you out. But youā€™ve got the stories already. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329.md?page=3)