# My patient's bizarre penis **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 31, 2004, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329 "2004-08-31T00:34:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/61 "2004-08-31T21:08:07Z")
> [@DoctorJ](#): > > I was on call late Friday night when I saw a nurse rolling a gurney out of the ICU, the patient fully covered in a sheet–the universal sign that he is on his way to the morgue. > > I didn’t think much of it until it finally registered in my sleep-deprived brain that something just wasn’t right about it. As I got closer, it became clear that the recently deceased patient was sporting SERIOUS flagpole. That wasn’t the half of it, though–this sucker was GIGANTIC, well beyond the “unattractive porn star” phase and into the realm of genuine medical curiosity. > > I stared at it for a while as it was coming down the hall in order to come up with an alternative explanation. As I passed, I gave the nurse a “What the hell?” look, and she just gave me a nod that said, “Yep, it’s just what it looks like.” > > I caught up with the ICU nurses later, who confirmed that the patient had, indeed, swung crazy pipe, and that he died at full perpendicular. They had worked for some time to make it a little less obvious for the trip to the basement, but it just wasn’t going anywhere, and the guy’s body habitus made any other positioning on the gurney prohibitive. They finally just decided that it was late at night and they weren’t likely to run into anybody who would take offense. > > I love my job. You know, if I had a schlong that big, I’d put into my will that the damn thing had to be on display at the funeral, and invitiations _with my giant dead pecker in vivid color_ on the front sent to every woman who ever rejected me, with the caption, “Here’s what you missed out on.” below. ---
**Author:** ![Rabid\_Squirrel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Rabid\_Squirrel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rabid_Squirrel)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/62 "2004-08-31T21:20:00Z")
> [@](#): > > **Originally Posted by DoctorJ** > [SNIP] > I caught up with the ICU nurses later, who confirmed that the patient had, indeed, swung crazy pipe, and that he died at full perpendicular. \*\*They had worked for some time to make it a little less obvious \*\* for the trip to the basement, but it just wasn’t going anywhere, and the guy’s body habitus made any other positioning on the gurney prohibitive. They finally just decided that it was late at night and they weren’t likely to run into anybody who would take offense. > > I love my job. OK, I have to ask. How did they make it ‘less obvious’? Are we talking about ‘creepy dead-guy handjobs’ or using duct tape? ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/63 "2004-08-31T21:29:55Z")
I can only hope you ALWAYS come up with creative visuals like this for your students. I bow to your hilarity! Fucking Bagle Dogs! Yer killin’ me! ---
**Author:** ![partlycloudy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/partlycloudy/32/3114_2.png) [@partlycloudy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/partlycloudy)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/64 "2004-08-31T21:53:04Z")
> [@Diogenes the Cynic](#): > > You don’t know the half of it. Google on the words “penis subincision” and prepare for a full body cringe. _Holy Lord!!_ :eek: ---
**Author:** ![BlackNGold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/779978/32.png) [@BlackNGold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlackNGold)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/65 "2004-08-31T23:39:47Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > Oh c’mon, you can’t fool us with this ‘good nurse’ crap; here’s what really happened: > > **Nurse 1:** Hmmm… pupils dilated and bilaterally unresponsive; you know what this means? > **Nurse 2:** Yes, we get to look at his nob > **N1:** Shouldn’t we intubate and stabilise his neck? > **N2:** There’ll be time for that later, jeez! what the hell is _that_? A christmas tree? _sniff_ OK this comment and the OP have officially made the $5 (or whatever it was) worth it. I love this place… _sniff_ ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/66 "2004-08-31T23:45:54Z")
Just to show you how much things have changed in fifty years(when it comes to nurses and the handling of genitalia), my mother, a retired nurse, told me this story. Back when she was in nursing school, in 1951, she was the only married student in the school, and only the second the school had had. She married during training, and up until then a student who married had to quit school. Anyway, the administrators had finally decided that non-virgin students weren’t a threat, so mom got to stay. Admitted to the ward that the students worked on was a male patient with a serious wound in his crotch, a large gash across his scrotum that had to have the bandages changed twice a day or so. Now I know these girls were supposed to just think of the patient, but these were all young, previously sheltered women, in the 1950’s. So they pressured mom into that particular job “because you’ve got experience, you know how these things are!” Yea, right, she thought. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/67 "2004-08-31T23:52:10Z")
> [@SPOOFE](#): > > I don’t know about you, but some of the, uh, after-market decorations I’ve seen done to penii… penes… penises… dicks, would give you the impression that they were touched up with a chainsaw. Forgot to mention, the was once a thread, couple of years back, on body piercing. Someone submitted a link with a picture of a pierce penis. Man, was it pierced! Must have had as many metal rings and plugs as flesh! My response was “Good Lord! Was that thing human?” I only saw it once though, as the next time I perused the thread a moderator had edited out the link. ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2004, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/68 "2004-08-31T23:52:46Z")
> [@Rabid\_Squirrel](#): > > OK, I have to ask. How did they make it ‘less obvious’? Are we talking about ‘creepy dead-guy handjobs’ or using duct tape? Aw, come on, you _know_ every dead guy wants to be able to tell the other dead guys in whatever after-life there might be, “My dick was soooooo big that they had to give my _corpse_ a handjob to try and make it go down!” 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2004, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/69 "2004-09-01T00:29:56Z")
> [@DoctorJ](#): > > I stared at it for a while as it was coming down the hall in order to come up with an alternative explanation. As I passed, I gave the nurse a “What the hell?” look, and she just gave me a nod that said “Who’s up for some horseshoes?” ---
**Author:** ![chaoticbear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f07891/32.png) [@chaoticbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chaoticbear)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2004, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/70 "2004-09-01T01:06:53Z")
> [@Cervaise](#): > > “Who’s up for some horseshoes?” Hmm… there’s a dead ringer joke somewhere. ---
**Author:** ![miamouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ad7895/32.png) [@miamouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/miamouse)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2004, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/71 "2004-09-01T01:27:05Z")
ya know, I saw the link bageldog, and initially only saw ‘bagel’. And I thought: I don’t have to click there, I saw a bagel penis years ago. But then I clicked anyway. All shapes and sizes folks… ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2004, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/72 "2004-09-01T02:36:35Z")
> [@Qadgop the Mercotan](#): > > Glans piercing and tattooing is pretty standard. I’ve even seen organs flayed open along the dorsum, up thru the glans. But why anyone would want their generative member to look like something you’d order at Nathan’s deli (sprinkle a few poppy seeds on said member and they’re twins separated at birth) is beyond me. OK, NOW I’m curious (yeah, like that has never happened before) **Qadgop** , assuming the very hypothetical situation of a non-incarcerated person taking a similar situation to a non-prison doctor, what (if anything) could be done to reverse the procedure/correct the problem? ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2004, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/73 "2004-09-01T02:51:30Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > OK, NOW I’m curious (yeah, like that has never happened before) > > **Qadgop** , assuming the very hypothetical situation of a non-incarcerated person taking a similar situation to a non-prison doctor, what (if anything) could be done to reverse the procedure/correct the problem? Damfino, my dear **Broomie**. Refer to a urologist who specializes in penile reconstruction for consideration of debulking of whatever strange material is under the skin, along with revision of skin. The end result would certainly be smaller, I suppose. But I’m not an expert in this area. I’d have to think a lot of the sensation would be lost in attempts to undo the damage. An honest surgeon would probably say to the patient: “I’m not sure I can make you better, but I can sure make you different”. In short, if you want to continue f **king with your dick, _don’t_ f** k with your dick. ---
**Author:** ![Doobieous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/da6949/32.png) [@Doobieous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doobieous)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2004, 5:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/74 "2004-09-01T05:45:41Z")
I’ve seen quite a few things on a certain body modification website. Nothing really surprises me. There’s a rather smalltime porn guy who has purposely had silicone injected into his cock which has made the thing a LOT puffier than the bageldog dick man (and apparently the guy isn’t in pain). A few guys i’ve talked to have had: - Silicone injected into their penises to increase girth (sometimes to the extreme) - Silicone injected into the scrotum. One guy had serious problems with it, but they seem to be resolved. His balls are still huge. He also has hydrogel injected into his penis and his balls. - Bifurcation, subscisions, meatomies. Really fascinating (to me). - one even has split his scrotum in two, sewn up the split, and now has each ball in its own sack. - urethral reroute (through the perineum). The above make a PA look like nothing. ---
**Author:** ![roger\_thornhill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d9b06d/32.png) [@roger\_thornhill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/roger_thornhill)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2004, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/75 "2004-09-01T06:47:48Z")
> [@Doobieous](#): > > One even has split his scrotum in two, sewn up the split, and now has each ball in its own sack. But does the left one still hang lower than the other one? ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2004, 9:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/76 "2004-09-01T09:59:43Z")
You know, it wouldn’t surprise me if the back-alley surgeon had gone to a hardware store and bought silcone caulking, you know, like that stuff you use to the seal the seams on fish tanks. Because real docs inject people with silicone, right? Small tip: if the “surgeon” accepts payment in nosecandy, take your body elsewhere for modificiation. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2004, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/77 "2004-09-01T14:29:44Z")
Hey! I made _Threadspotting_ with this contribution! **My greatest recognition ever!** ---
**Author:** ![PetW](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d2c977/32.png) [@PetW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PetW)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2004, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/78 "2004-09-01T14:35:25Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > Small tip: if the “surgeon” accepts payment in nosecandy, take your body elsewhere for modificiation. You know, it’s because of people like you that refer to less-endowed men as “Small tip” that they go to these extremes in the first place. ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2004, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/79 "2004-09-01T14:50:01Z")
**QTM** , your thread title reads; “My patient’s bizarre penis”. That would be even funnier if I had read it correctly the first time as “My patient is bizarre penis”. Bizarre Penis should be capitalized if that’s the patients actual name. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2004, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/80 "2004-09-01T16:25:00Z")
Quoth **that\_darn\_cat** : > [@](#): > > I was hopiong it had a joint in it. Hey, we know that this was a backalley practitioner, who had a proclivity for illegal substances… Maybe it really _did_ have a joint in it! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329.md?page=5)