# My patient's bizarre penis **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 31, 2004, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329 "2004-08-31T00:34:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Exgineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a88e4f/32.png) [@Exgineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exgineer)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/101 "2004-09-02T16:03:06Z")
How about jokes about ammendments to the Penile Code? ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/102 "2004-09-02T18:54:36Z")
> [@Smeghead](#): > > I know you can’t legally answer this, Q, so just cough or something if I’m right… …or turn your head and cough… ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/103 "2004-09-02T20:37:55Z")
> [@](#): > > I take it you were never a doctor’s kid then, **Broomstick**. **Elfbabe** knew the correct anatomic terms for nearly all body parts since elementary school. “No dear, it’s pronounced tray-gus. Not trag-us.” Am I the only one who finds this a turn-on? As regards **elfbabe** , that is, not **Quadgop**. Whom I am sure is quite on-turning, but isn’t my type. ---
**Author:** ![ltfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@ltfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ltfire)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/104 "2004-09-02T21:08:02Z")
You know that commercial that has the guy telling complete strangers…’Hi, I lowered my cholesterol’…I am picturing Q doing the same thing on the way home from work…’Hi, I saw the strangest dick today… Don’t you play golf? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Profane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e47774/32.png) [@Profane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Profane)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/105 "2004-09-02T22:31:45Z")
> [@Qadgop the Mercotan](#): > > I take it you were never a doctor’s kid then, **Broomstick**. **Elfbabe** knew the correct anatomic terms for nearly all body parts since elementary school. “No dear, it’s pronounced _tray-gus_. Not trag-us.” > > 😃 Well this student wishes she’d had you as a parent. I just opened my Atlas of Human Anatomy and I’m very very worried. :eek: Great story, btw. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/106 "2004-09-03T03:02:34Z")
> [@ltfire](#): > > You know that commercial that has the guy telling complete strangers…’Hi, I lowered my cholesterol’…I am picturing Q doing the same thing on the way home from work…’Hi, I saw the strangest dick today… > > Don’t you play golf? 😃 Played it for a while, over 25 years ago. I found my accuracy improved if I kept my drives down to less than 20 yards. And I don’t tell these stories in public to _strangers_! Although, I did get together with some old medical friends of mine, and recounted this tale and others, in a public area. The other people around us did get quiet and try to listen. BTW, I did not mean to imply in my OP that I was actually consternated by this penis. The scenario was interesting, mainly combined with the tale of his quest for a larger organ, how he achieved it, and how he found that indeed this was _not_ his heart’s desire. And I wanted to share! ---
**Author:** ![Call\_me\_Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Call\_me\_Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Call_me_Frank)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/107 "2004-09-03T03:17:23Z")
> [@Qadgop the Mercotan](#): > > What, no jokes about me working in a penistentiary? 😕 A penistentiary, eh? Would that be under the jurisdiction of the Department of Erections, then? ---
**Author:** ![roger\_thornhill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d9b06d/32.png) [@roger\_thornhill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/roger_thornhill)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/108 "2004-09-03T03:51:39Z")
If it’s the Dept of Erections, that would be jurisdicktion. ---
**Author:** ![wolfman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/109 "2004-09-03T04:01:14Z")
> [@](#): > > I take it you were never a doctor’s kid then, I made the mistake of being born to parents who were a Vietnam-tested doctor and a nurse/x-ray tech. Everything from Vaginal warts to scrotal abcesses to ingested buck knifes to magotts-in-the-hemmorage stories were a standard part of dinner tables conversation from the day I was born. Just try to freak me out, just try it I dare you! ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/110 "2004-09-03T12:47:05Z")
Well, I once had an email warning us about a new patient coming in who had a tendency to consume his own bodily excretory products. The warning began with the title **Beware**. This caused me to compose the following poem (with apologies to Coleridge!): _And all should cry, Beware! Beware! His flashing eyes, his floating hair! Weave a circle round him thrice, And close your eyes with holy dread, For he on ickypoo hath fed, And drunk the pee that’s not so nice._ It led to a dinner table recital of spontaneous poetry! Lovely quality time! ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Derfel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bb73d2/32.png) [@Lord\_Derfel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Derfel)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/111 "2004-09-03T13:23:08Z")
> [@wolfman](#): > > I made the mistake of being born to parents who were a Vietnam-tested doctor and a nurse/x-ray tech. > > Everything from Vaginal warts to scrotal abcesses to ingested buck knifes to magotts-in-the-hemmorage stories were a standard part of dinner tables conversation from the day I was born. Just try to freak me out, just try it I dare you! Ditto. My dad is a doctor and my mom was a nurse. As a result, when I was young, I knew I had an umbilicus. It was later on that I found out that I had a bellybutton as well 😉 Going fishing with dad? Anything we caught became an anatomy lesson. Found a dead bird in the backyard? Time for an autopsy! ---
**Author:** ![sangfroid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e0b2c6/32.png) [@sangfroid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sangfroid)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/112 "2004-09-03T14:06:38Z")
> [@Qadgop the Mercotan](#): > > An honest surgeon would probably say to the patient: “I’m not sure I can make you better, but I can sure make you different”. > > In short, if you want to continue f **king with your dick, _don’t_ f** k with your dick. And a tactless one would say “Holy Crap! A Bagel dog!” \*Sound free advice, BTW! \* 🙂 This is the time of year when those frozen treats start showing up in your grocers freezer section, in preperation for holiday parties and so forth. I will NEVER be able to look at those things again without laughing out loud. Honestly, I don’t know how you Docs can keep a straight face sometimes, facing what you do from time to time. It must be routine, routine, routine, then all of a sudden; He’s got \*WHAT \* up his rectum?!? I can only envision you guys saying; Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know \*how \* it happened! 😉 (See Doc, I was getting out of the shower, and I slipped, and…) :dubious: And thanks, **Q**! Threads like this are worth the whole price of admission! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Great\_Zamboni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@The\_Great\_Zamboni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Great_Zamboni)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/113 "2004-09-03T16:28:27Z")
The patient could go under the aliases of Dick Jerkins, Dick Thickens, Peter Long, Dick Payne, or Peter Hertz. 😃 I’m so glad I paid the $5. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2004, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/114 "2004-09-04T00:59:20Z")
I took care a patient with a multitude of home made tattoos. The Most Memorable was the F U C K S T I C K on his …well you know, in extremely shaky writing… In my most professional manner, I said "you have a lot of tattoos. Did they hurt much? He replied “some more than others” as he cast his eyes towards his stick. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2004, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/115 "2004-09-04T16:05:32Z")
> [@sangfroid](#): > > See Doc, I was getting out of the shower, and I slipped, and… I love that one. Like the excuses about how they got their penises (penes) stuck in a vacuum cleaner hose: “I was doing a little housecleaning in the nude and I slipped…” Yeah, right. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2004, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/116 "2004-09-04T17:51:30Z")
> [@Qadgop the Mercotan](#): > > Like the excuses about how they got their penises (penes) stuck in a vacuum cleaner hose… Heh. That reminds me of one of my favourite Chris Miller stories (from _National Lampoon_, sometime in the late seventies,) involving Bernie “Boom-Boom” Somethingorother, a hot date at an exclusive club that he couldn’t miss and would never have the opportunity to revisit, and poorly timed wank-session with a Hoover canister. Genius. I didn’t realize such things happened in the real world. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2004, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/117 "2004-09-04T19:29:46Z")
[**Penile injuries from vacuum cleaners**](http://www.totse.com/en/technology/science_technology/vacuum.html) From the _British Medical Journal_ 5 July, 1980. p 26: > [@](#): > > Case 1-- A 60-year-old man said that he was changing the plug of his > Hoover Dustette vacuum cleaner in the nude while his wife was out shopping. Lots more cases in the link! 😃😃 ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2004, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/118 "2004-09-05T02:08:02Z")
Just went grocery shopping with mrAru today and had a case of the giggles at the bagel dogs in the freezer case. I am sure he was wondering what I found so amusing… ☹ ---
**Author:** ![detop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@detop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/detop)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2004, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/119 "2004-09-05T04:12:16Z")
> [@Qadgop the Mercotan](#): > > I love that one. Like the excuses about how they got **their penises (penes)** stuck in a vacuum cleaner hose: “I was doing a little housecleaning in the nude and I slipped…” > > Yeah, right. :rolleyes: You had patients with more than one penis ??? :eek: Please do tell us more ! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2004, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329/120 "2004-09-05T04:34:26Z")
That was always so weird to me; I’m trying to picture a Hoover Dustette and failing. My vacuum cleaner (an Eureka) has a good metre and a half of tubes and another 1,5 metres of hose, none of which has moving parts, before you get to the canister. Not that I — well, I just — oh, God. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-patients-bizarre-penis/262329.md?page=7)