# My real mother died...on the 6th **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 16, 2014, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-real-mother-died-on-the-6th/698676 "2014-09-16T18:42:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-real-mother-died-on-the-6th/698676/1 "2014-09-16T18:42:49Z")
And the two chuckleheads that are my half brothers didn’t think to call anyone in the family or email them and let them know. Hell, we didn’t even know she was ill. My dad last talked to her in June and she seemed fine then. I found out this morning. I don’t know much information yet. Apparently they moved to my state this summer sometime. Dad thinks maybe for a doctor? I don’t even know how the news got out eyt. So dad is driving down there today to find out. I wasn’t close to my real mother, but she was still my birth mother. And they are my half brothers. I changed their diapers, wiped up their drool, and babysat. (They are ten+ years younger than me.) Mostly I am upset because I am at that age where I am slowly losing the older generation. My uncle, my adoptive mom (I was adopted by my real mom’s sister) and now my real mom, all dead. Out of the five children of that generation only my aunt and uncle remain. It’s kind of scary. It won’t be that much longer that I am the elder generation. I feel…adrift. ---
**Author:** ![Sattua](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sattua/32/11906_2.png) [@Sattua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sattua)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-real-mother-died-on-the-6th/698676/2 "2014-09-16T18:52:35Z")
I’m sorry sweetheart. I guess it’s one of the great mysteries in life that we never find a comfortable place in it to settle down. The one great constant is change, huh? ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-real-mother-died-on-the-6th/698676/3 "2014-09-16T20:21:15Z")
I know you had a rocky and complicated relationship with your birth mother. I’m sorry you’re going through this now. {{ hugs }} ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-real-mother-died-on-the-6th/698676/4 "2014-09-16T21:36:42Z")
I’m so sorry to hear this. It can be tough. My dad was killed just last Friday and there’s a huge hole where he used to be. Will you be traveling to see her gravesite? Did the half brothers tell you what arrangements were made? We are here to listen if you need to talk more. I’ll say prayers for you and your family. ---
**Author:** ![C\_K\_Dexter\_Haven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b2d939/32.png) [@C\_K\_Dexter\_Haven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/C_K_Dexter_Haven)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-real-mother-died-on-the-6th/698676/5 "2014-09-16T21:50:07Z")
Very sorry for your loss, and that it’s compounded by thoughtless siblings. I’m not aware of your prior story, sorry, but it seems to me that “birth mother” is not the same as “real mother.” “Birth mother” may be biologically correctl, but the “real mother” is the one who raised you. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2014, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-real-mother-died-on-the-6th/698676/6 "2014-09-17T00:51:47Z")
I’m so very sorry for your loss… ---
**Author:** ![BobArrgh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bobarrgh/32/2881_2.png) [@BobArrgh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobArrgh)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2014, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-real-mother-died-on-the-6th/698676/7 "2014-09-17T01:23:06Z")
**Anaamika** , I am so sorry for your loss and also for the way your half-brothers are acting. ---
**Author:** ![Pai325](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Pai325](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pai325)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2014, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-real-mother-died-on-the-6th/698676/8 "2014-09-17T02:53:50Z")
I’m so sorry. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2014, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-real-mother-died-on-the-6th/698676/9 "2014-09-17T03:05:54Z")
I’m very sorry Anamika. I identify with that feeling of being pushed, unwillingly, into the “older generation”, and it is both sad and a little scary. The sudden loss of your mother combined with the complex relationship you often had really compound what you must be feeling now and my heart goes out to you. > [@C\_K\_Dexter\_Haven](#): > > I’m not aware of your prior story, sorry, but it seems to me that “birth mother” is not the same as “real mother.” “Birth mother” may be biologically correctl, but the “real mother” is the one who raised you. With respect, I imagine that varies from person to person (and situation to situation). Different people give different weight to the word “real”, and for some it is a bio parent, while for others it’s the parent who raised them. I don’t think there’s a way of using the word that’s more correct or less correct. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2014, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-real-mother-died-on-the-6th/698676/10 "2014-09-17T03:05:57Z")
Hey Mika, I’ve been here long enough to know your family history. So sorry for your loss. We all get older and become the next generation. That’s just how it goes. My dad is gone, but mum and I are still close. We fondly remember dad. It’s the circle of life. Your half-brothers could have handled it better, but that’s water under the bridge at this point. Peace my friend. ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2014, 11:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-real-mother-died-on-the-6th/698676/11 "2014-09-17T11:49:10Z")
Im sorry for your loss, and for the situation. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2014, 11:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-real-mother-died-on-the-6th/698676/12 "2014-09-17T11:57:32Z")
My condolences to you. I know how complicated your relationships with your bio-mom and adoptive-mom were, but it’s still hard to lose them. Be good to yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2014, 12:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-real-mother-died-on-the-6th/698676/13 "2014-09-17T12:03:35Z")
I’m sorry to hear this; I know how the “thoughtless siblings” part goes. ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2014, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-real-mother-died-on-the-6th/698676/14 "2014-09-17T12:27:40Z")
I’m so sorry, **Mika**. I truly am. You’re in my thoughts. And here’s a hug, too!!! ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2014, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-real-mother-died-on-the-6th/698676/15 "2014-09-17T13:14:48Z")
Thank you everyone. We found a bit more but not much. I understand they want to be distant but they also need to understand that before she was their mother, she was someone’s sister and someone’s brother-in-law, not even to mention my mother. They are not answering anyone’s calls and haven’t even had the courtesy to put an announcement on facebook. After the initial round of (exhausting) calls I find I am more relieved than anything else. I mean, she wasn’t my mother, not for a very long time, and she was more wrapped up in her boys than she ever was in me. **Baker** , There is no gravesite to visit as we are Hindu and we cremate. I have no idea what they are going to do with her ashes. Everyone is really upset with them not telling except me…I mean, I am a little annoyed, but whatever. They were never taught these kinds of things. There’s a reason she’s not my mother and that’s because she always was a flake. She didn’t teach them the niceties of these things, and from past conversations it’s quite clear she poisoned them pretty thoroughly against the rest of the family. Some of it is warranted, some of it is not. My aunt broguht up a lot of the old bad blood and I just get tired of it. Like **Leaffan** says, all of that is water under the bridge. We could hold on to it, but it only poisons us. I just want to let go now and enjoy what I have. And yes, she was my birth mother, and ranked far below my adoptive mother in terms of status. It’s just a little more scary of how relatively young she was (early 60s.) I kind of would like to know what she died of - do I have anything to worry about? Also the sadness of almost all of my mother’s immediate family gone. Thank you all for your comments. ---
**Author:** ![Grrlbrarian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrlbrarian/32/4048_2.png) [@Grrlbrarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrlbrarian)\ **Post date:** [September 17, 2014, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-real-mother-died-on-the-6th/698676/16 "2014-09-17T14:13:09Z")
{{{ **Anaamika** }}} So sorry. It is not easy to lose a parent, adopted or biological; they’re just different kinds of losses. Sorry too that your half-brothers have behaved in a way that made it harder for you also. I hope you’re able to get the information you seek so you can protect your own health as needed. Good wishes for healing and closure for you and your family, birth and adoptive.