# My Secret Santa thinks I'm a serial killer **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 20, 2000, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480 "2000-12-20T05:29:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![rocking\_chair](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rocking_chair/32/2918_2.png) [@rocking\_chair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rocking_chair)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2000, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/41 "2000-12-22T02:29:32Z")
a flashlight,hhhmmmm. the plot thickens. any mice in your abode? ---
**Author:** ![Siddhartha\_Vicious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/919ad9/32.png) [@Siddhartha\_Vicious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siddhartha_Vicious)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2000, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/42 "2000-12-22T05:00:10Z")
A poncho and rope. Goddamn, that’s funny stuff! I almost shit my pants, I was laughing so hard. It’s just so damn STRANGE. What next? A jar of Vaseline and a funnel? ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2000, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/43 "2000-12-22T15:15:54Z")
Okay, I have been waiting for the past three days to know: What was the final gift? The coup de grace? The grande finale? ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2000, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/44 "2000-12-22T15:35:34Z")
OK, my fellow Dopers. Listen carefully, since the voices are getting louder, and I’m not sure how much longer I can hold out. I walked into my office this morning filled with dread. I peeked in the darkened room apprehensively, and I delicately probed the entryway for booby traps. Seeing nothing untoward, but with great trepidation, I flipped on the light and nervously entered. The air was thick with debacle. I looked around carefully, but didn’t see any packages. “Whew,” thought I, “perhaps my Secret Psycho…I mean Santa…forgot to leave the final, sanity-shattering gift.” I walked over to my chair, which, of course, was facing away from me. I felt a thrill of apprehension as I turned the chair to face me, with good reason, as it turned out. There, sitting in the seat, and leaning against the back of the chair, was a long, festively-wrapped package. It looked as sinister and as ominous as a blood-covered axe in a kindergarten classroom. With shaking hands, I reached out, mentally reviewing the “gifts” I had already received this week. The poncho. The rope (WTF?!). The roll of film. The “Royal Fingerbowl” lemony-fresh wetnaps. The fresh fruit. The flashlight. My quaking fingers tore open the front, and I saw… I swear this is true… By all that’s good and holy, I **promise** this is the unvarnished truth… It was a machete. A **machete**!! It’s true! My secret santa really thinks I’m a serial killer! :::Runs around, hands in the air, screaming like a little girl::: ---
**Author:** ![Nymysys](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/f6c823/32.png) [@Nymysys](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nymysys)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2000, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/45 "2000-12-22T15:43:33Z")
ROFL Ogre, I’ve read this thread with great amusement. Now I laugh to keep from crying at the outcome. Jesus GOD, but this was funny. Disturbing, but funny. ---
**Author:** ![rundogrun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/5daacb/32.png) [@rundogrun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rundogrun)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2000, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/46 "2000-12-22T15:45:35Z")
:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2000, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/47 "2000-12-22T16:26:25Z")
Dude, there is only one thing to do: Put on the poncho, hang the fruit off your body like so many little grenades, tied the rope around your waist, open the wet-naps and place them on your head, pull out the film and wrap it around your body like a bandolier of ammo, strap the flashlight to the machette and go skipping around the office! Note: for full effect, you must wear only the poncho as clothing. ---
**Author:** ![UrbanChic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9dc877/32.png) [@UrbanChic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UrbanChic)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2000, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/48 "2000-12-22T17:27:19Z")
I’m in tears! This thread is so damn funny! OK. Once you’ve tied you’re victim to a chair in a dark room using the **rope** you can put a piece of **fruit** in his/her mouth to muffle the screams. As you’re hacking away at you’re victim with the **machete** you’ll need the **poncho** to keep your clothes relatively blood-free. You use the **moist** towelettes to wipe the blood from the blade and the **flashlight** to inspect your handiwork periodically. Or at least that’s what I would do, but I _am_ a serial killer… ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2000, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/49 "2000-12-22T17:34:21Z")
What kind of nuthouse-office do you work in?? ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2000, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/50 "2000-12-22T18:12:37Z")
I’m posting this from under my desk. I’m wearing my poncho, and the rope is tied at ankle level in the door. My machete (::shudder:🙂 is gripped tightly in my hand. I do work in a nut-house office, **Poysyn**. I swear to God somebody just went skipping by my doorway singing “Lolly lolly lolly.” More unvarnished truth. It’s frequently disturbing, but never boring. Well, much, anyway. I have strong suspicions as to the identity of my Secret Santa. He’s an engineer, and his greatest claim to fame is that the Secret Service wrestled him to the ground when he refused to hand over the sheathed knife he was wearing before entering the US Capitol Building. Somebody hold me. ---
**Author:** ![DAVEW0071](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e19b73/32.png) [@DAVEW0071](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DAVEW0071)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2000, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/51 "2000-12-22T18:13:04Z")
Now, you said in your OP that the secret Santa was supposed to reveal him/herself today. Who did this? And can you ascertain from this person why? Inquiring minds want to know. ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2000, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/52 "2000-12-22T18:16:04Z")
Here’s the thing: nobody’s fessing up! I (and some other frightened souls) have speculated that the aforementioned engineer is responsible, but he won’t admit it! No one else is stepping forward either. Mommy. ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2000, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/53 "2000-12-22T19:58:50Z")
This is the best. Really makes me appreciate the Chia Pet I got [sub](not that it isn’t going to be shattered into a million pieces, it is)[/sub] Ogre, I feel for you, but _man_ this is some funny stuff! ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2000, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/54 "2000-12-22T21:57:01Z")
Someone was singing “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly”? Obviously you have a Doper in your office who just read the Schoolhouse Rock thread. Bet that’s your Secret Santa, too. ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2000, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/55 "2000-12-22T22:15:28Z")
It was like some bizarre dream sequence. I was typing my reply, and suddenly someone went _skipping_ by my office door singing nothing but “lollylollylollylollylolly” over and over. Incidentally, now **everybody** in the office knows about my last gift, and I’ve been asked several times “what I’m going to do with it.” What the hell do you mean what am I going to do with it?! I’m gonna go drop the damned thing in the river before it possesses me! 🙂 Nobody’ll admit to it yet, either. ---
**Author:** ![rocking\_chair](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rocking_chair/32/2918_2.png) [@rocking\_chair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rocking_chair)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2000, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/56 "2000-12-22T23:10:21Z")
goodness, i just had to print this out. do you think that the knife in your poss. and the aforementioned knife in the dc tussle are one and the same? perhaps your coworker is helping you with y2k preparedness? i would keep the knife at hand, you never know when you need one in the office you work in. ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2000, 7:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/57 "2000-12-23T07:13:55Z")
I thought for sure your secret santa would turn out to be an intensely staring black man with an oddly lopsided afro, a glass cane, and extremely brittle bones. ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [December 25, 2000, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/58 "2000-12-25T19:13:19Z")
So, who was it?? The suspense is killing me!! ---
**Author:** ![scratch1300](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dfb087/32.png) [@scratch1300](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scratch1300)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2000, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/59 "2000-12-27T15:48:56Z")
What happened? Um, has **Ogre** posted to the board lately? Anyone know? Is this a good time to suggest a new forum: Straight Dope Obituaries? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2000, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/60 "2000-12-27T15:59:17Z")
**Ogre** , buddy, are you there? **Ogre**? Oh man, this is NOT good… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480.md?page=4)