# My Secret Santa thinks I'm a serial killer **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 20, 2000, 5:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480 "2000-12-20T05:29:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2000, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/61 "2000-12-27T15:59:58Z")
OMIGOD!! They’ve killed him! ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2000, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/62 "2000-12-27T16:09:50Z")
I am, fortunately, still among the living, and after several days of shock therapy and post-trauma stress counselling, I’m happy to report that the doctors say I may one day be normal again. I still do not know which sicko around here gave me the machete, but my suspicions are getting stronger. No one’s admitting to it, and the woman who coordinated the event flatly refuses to tell me who my SS was. My latest clue: one of my co-workers was talking about Dian Fossey when I walked in this morning. :eek: This can’t be a good thing, really. I have a feeling that when I get to the bottom of this, it’ll be rather like an HP Lovecraft story, or maybe _Fear_ by L. Ron Hubbard…I’ll wish like hell I hadn’t. ---
**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2000, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/63 "2000-12-27T16:42:59Z")
Good to see that you’re still among the living, **Ogre**. If I were you, I’d lock myself in my office, and rig the machete up to the door with the rope, as a boobytrap precaution against both your Secret Santa, and that creepy “lollylollylolly” person. Something tells me that they both may be coming in for the killing blow as we speak. ---
**Author:** ![lurkernomore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@lurkernomore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lurkernomore)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2000, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/64 "2000-12-27T17:28:52Z")
Ogre, this fits your name. [Monster.com](http://Monster.com) Get out of that place… ---
**Author:** ![slowhand53](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a698b9/32.png) [@slowhand53](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slowhand53)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2000, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/65 "2000-12-27T18:44:02Z")
threaten a lawsuit (emotional distress and all that) and I’m sure she’ll fess up as to who your SS was ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2000, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/66 "2000-12-27T18:49:26Z")
Half a second. I’m not going to threaten a lawsuit over my Secret Santa. Talk about Grinchiness! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![slowhand53](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a698b9/32.png) [@slowhand53](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slowhand53)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2000, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/67 "2000-12-27T19:05:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ogre \* > \*\*Half a second. I’m not going to threaten a lawsuit over my Secret Santa. Talk about Grinchiness! 😛 \*\* this type of shit would be completely unacceptable to me. inside jokes are fun to have but they must end at some point. some people just don’t know when to stop and have a laugh. If this doesn’t really bother you Great! but from your other posts here it seemed to put you on edge. ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2000, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/68 "2000-12-27T19:13:25Z")
Jokingly on edge. I thought I made that perfectly clear in my answer to **rocking chair** , way back when. I’m aware that my Secret Santa does not think I’m a serial killer, and that there’s no real threat here. I’m having fun with a strange situation. Now look what you did. You ruined my carefully constructed aura of mystery, paranoia, and threat. I’m highly disappointed in you. Now where the hell did I put that machete? ---
**Author:** ![Breathe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/94ad74/32.png) [@Breathe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Breathe)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2000, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/69 "2000-12-27T19:17:08Z")
I swear, Ogre, your Secret Santa must be Quentin Tarantino. You say you work for [Monster.com](http://Monster.com)? Sounds like my kinda place, got any openings? 😉 Breathe “At least you didn’t get socks” Marhime ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2000, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/70 "2000-12-27T19:23:30Z")
Welcome to the SDMB, Breathe. I don’t work for [Monster.com](http://Monster.com). I think that was offered as a suggestion for finding a new employer. 🙂 Maybe Quentin Tarantino’ll direct it if I turn this incident into a screenplay. I’ll have Sam L. Jackson as a Secret Santa, and my final gift will me a machete carved with the words “bad muthafucka.” 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Breathe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/94ad74/32.png) [@Breathe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Breathe)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2000, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/71 "2000-12-27T19:39:19Z")
Dear lord, I’m a newbie! I was an avid reader of SD when it was on AOL, but I’ve since strayed from the flock. I just suck that way. And that last machete should have a bone handle, just for added effect. Can Steve Buschemi play my part? Breathe “Wait a sec, I’m a chick” Marhime ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2000, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/72 "2000-12-27T20:10:33Z")
Sure, Steve Buscemi can play your part. It doesn’t bode well for your on-screen image, though. “That’s one **ugly** chick!” 🙂 Lessee, who could play me? Someone devastatingly handsome, well spoken, and brilliant. Nah. Too bad Marty Feldman is dead. ---
**Author:** ![Breathe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/94ad74/32.png) [@Breathe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Breathe)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2000, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/73 "2000-12-27T20:48:05Z")
You: George Clooney. ('Cause he was suprisingly good in Dusk 'Til Dawn.) Your Secret Santa: Samuel L. Jackson. Your Cubicle Mate: Quentin, baby, Quentin. Your Boss: Bruce Willis. (He and Quentin may be swapped.) Guy At Water Cooler Who Talks About The Y2K Apocolypse And How Cat Stevens Is Jesus But Is Oddly Enough The Most Sensible Guy In The Office: Steve Buscemi. Me: Hmmm… Eye Candy: Angie Everheart (Everhart?). Mrrwor. ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2000, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/74 "2000-12-27T21:08:46Z")
See, I was thinking tht I could be Bruce Willis, because of that desperate, slightly confused character trait he displayed in _Pulp Fiction_. My boss: Harvey Keitel. And can we have a softcore lesbian eye-candy scene with Angie Everhart and Salma Hayek? You know, just to keep it edgy. No ulterior motives, of course ( ::pant pant:: ). ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2000, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/75 "2000-12-27T21:10:47Z")
Damn smileys. ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2000, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/76 "2000-12-27T21:17:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ogre \* > \*\*See, I was thinking tht I could be Bruce Willis, because of that desperate, slightly confused character trait he displayed in _Pulp Fiction_. > \*\* We need to cast the “Lollylollylolly” guy. Um…needs a sense of playfulness, hiding secret dark anger…hmmmm…plus, he needs to be able to sing… Rick Moranis, as per Little Shop of Horrors? Fenris ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2000, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/77 "2000-12-27T21:26:03Z")
Rick Moranis…a fine choice, but is he really disturbing enough? I’m drawing a blank…need someone innocent-ish, yet completely bonkers… ---
**Author:** ![Breathe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/94ad74/32.png) [@Breathe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Breathe)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2000, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/78 "2000-12-27T21:28:48Z")
Ahhh, good call on Bruce and Harvey. George can be the mailboy (or better yet, my cabana boy). But of course given this cast, we have to cast Selma Hayek (did I spell that right?) as the eye candy. She’s not to my taste, but you know, she fits. I’m not sure if Rick Moranis would fit in quite that well–but I can’t think of who else. Or, we could go in the other direction, have Rick be the alleged Secret Santa, Steve Martin be the boss, and Bruce Campbell can play Ogre. He does desperate and scared quite well. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2000, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/79 "2000-12-27T21:35:16Z")
But we still need to have Tarantino direct it. Somebody has to be messily slaughtered, and Tarantino does that very well. We could pull a page from _The Talented Mr. Ripley_ and make Matt Damon the Secret Santa/psycho. Naaaaaaahhhh. ---
**Author:** ![Breathe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/94ad74/32.png) [@Breathe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Breathe)\ **Post date:** [December 27, 2000, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480/80 "2000-12-27T21:44:31Z")
Matt Damon? I think not! He’s too Mirimax for _this_ production. And Keanu Reeves is out of the question. How about if we just get Kevin Smith to step in for the part? Something tells me he’d make a very interesting psycho… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/my-secret-santa-thinks-im-a-serial-killer/46480.md?page=5)